[ACrystalGem]

Yesterday during therapy I felt a new & weird feeling coming to the fore. 2 of my alters thought it was a new personality, and I was so freaked out & upset that I started crying and I haven’t really stopped since. I don’t ever want to reject my alters, no matter what they do or say - I feel like we can always work things out. But the thought of a new alter was just so overwhelming for me - it might not even be a new one, anyway. The real reason I felt so bad is that I felt ashamed at how broken I was, and that I’ll never be ‘cured’ or at least be a regular human (not that I’ve ever felt that way my entire life).
So now I feel doubly ashamed because I’m supposed to be fair to my inside people, but reacted so badly to the possibility of a new one. And I’m ashamed that I was hurt so much in the past that I fractured into a zillion pieces. I thought I was dealing with things better, but one obstacle and it all fell apart.
I feel like a terrible host; even when some of the alters tried to help me yesterday, I found it physically painful to let them talk and reassure me. It’s a tendency of mine to push positive things away when I’m very down. There’s an awful pain in my head and a feeling of panic when someone tries to be nice at these times.

I’m not asking for anyone to solve this for me - I just really needed to get it out of my head. But thanks for reading anyway.

[FearLess47]

Hi Gem,
I propose that all of this, while painful and confusing, is a good thing. Perhaps it is someone that has been "unknown" until this time. Or perhaps someone new. Either way...it makes perfect sense to me that it would be scary or distressing at first. And the "WHAT NOW!" reaction is strong. When a person is trying their best to bring together their pieces....it can be a kick in teeth when something new pops up. Maybe take a couple of deep breaths and say hello to the part? Ask what it might need... There is always hope. I think we just need to get used some surprises along the way, and to try not to beat ourselves up (too much) for whatever reaction arises.

FearLess47

[ACrystalGem]

Thank you so much for this reply. It’s made me cry again!

[FearLess47]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

Thank you so much for this reply. It’s made me cry again!

YAY for a feeling!!!!!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

Yesterday during therapy I felt a new & weird feeling coming to the fore. 2 of my alters thought it was a new personality, and I was so freaked out & upset that I started crying and I haven’t really stopped since. I don’t ever want to reject my alters, no matter what they do or say - I feel like we can always work things out. But the thought of a new alter was just so overwhelming for me - it might not even be a new one, anyway. The real reason I felt so bad is that I felt ashamed at how broken I was, and that I’ll never be ‘cured’ or at least be a regular human (not that I’ve ever felt that way my entire life).
So now I feel doubly ashamed because I’m supposed to be fair to my inside people, but reacted so badly to the possibility of a new one. And I’m ashamed that I was hurt so much in the past that I fractured into a zillion pieces. I thought I was dealing with things better, but one obstacle and it all fell apart.
I feel like a terrible host; even when some of the alters tried to help me yesterday, I found it physically painful to let them talk and reassure me. It’s a tendency of mine to push positive things away when I’m very down. There’s an awful pain in my head and a feeling of panic when someone tries to be nice at these times.

I’m not asking for anyone to solve this for me - I just really needed to get it out of my head. But thanks for reading anyway.

one thing that has helped me when ever a "new" alter seemed to appear was something one of my treatment providers told me...

getting a diagnosis does not change anything DID related all it does in relation to the DID is that it puts a name on whats already been going on since the very first altered creation before I was 5.

that meant no actual new as in newly formed alters would be created and what I had for alters and problems associated with my having DID was what I had.

the one thing that would change with diagnosis was my treatment options and how I perceive myself and my alters and my world. in short I would become more stable and able to handle things.

When ever I thought there was a new alter, it always turned out to be an alter that has been there my whole life time, that it was just by perception had changed... rather than being unaware, unfeeling, unfocused on what was going on in my body I began to be more aware of whats going on in my body, have more feelings related to what was going on inside, and focus more on what was going on in my body and what / how to meet those needs of myself and those alters that resided with in my body.

my treatment provider and I never called it rejecting the alters or pushing them away. I mean its all one body so of course there was no real physical rejection and pushing them away.

when ever I learned of an alter that was new as in new to me but there all my life time my treatment provider and I called it co consciousness. we called that time frame between finding out that there was this alter there and the time that I felt ok with it "an adjustment period" my body, mind and perceptions were just adjusting to learning something new about myself and my internal system. like one does when someone finds out they are pregnant or any other addition to the family. there is always an "adjustment period" to go through.

not saying its easy, it takes time to work out all the ups and downs of an adjustment period.

what I would do during my and my internal systems "adjustment period" was journaling, coloring, painting and any other forms of expression that allowed me to release all those confusing and new feelings I was having about my self and my internal system.

maybe you can talk with your treatment providers and or find a way that works best for you on what you and your internal system needs to get through this adjustment period.

Suddenly a couple alters were asking our T what T felt like to be SPD.Oh, that's his term for normal - single personality disordered! He answered without hesitation. Some like who keeps your house clean? We have an OCD alter. What does it feel like? One alter decided the questions were getting too personal. She asked why all the questions. The response was they believed we would finish therapy and be like everyone else. They were devastated. Then a whole range of other emotions set in. Our abusers did this to us & it can't be fixed. Now when a issue comes we can often hear *they did this to us too*.Besides the tears, they recycle thru all the feelings again. Thought our T should have lectured on how it would be better, or benefits of DID, etc. He simply said..yes they did.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by cavaliers

Suddenly a couple alters were asking our T what T felt like to be SPD.Oh, that's his term for normal - single personality disordered! He answered without hesitation. Some like who keeps your house clean? We have an OCD alter. What does it feel like? One alter decided the questions were getting too personal. She asked why all the questions. The response was they believed we would finish therapy and be like everyone else. They were devastated. Then a whole range of other emotions set in. Our abusers did this to us & it can't be fixed. Now when a issue comes we can often hear *they did this to us too*.Besides the tears, they recycle thru all the feelings again. Thought our T should have lectured on how it would be better, or benefits of DID, etc. He simply said..yes they did.

There is so much grief to feel when healing from DID. There were so many things that went wrong and were done wrong to an innocent child.
Gentle hugs to you if you want them.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by ACrystalGem

I thought I was dealing with things better, but one obstacle and it all fell apart..

I have found new alters when I was making progress, never when I was back-sliding. We have come to realize, in our life, that seeing and knowing more about our self is a sign of progress - not of falling apart.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by yagr

I have found new alters when I was making progress, never when I was back-sliding. We have come to realize, in our life, that seeing and knowing more about our self is a sign of progress - not of falling apart.

THIS EXACTLY!! I feel like new ones only make an appearance when they feel safe enough.

ACrystalGem - your original post was beautiful and poignant.

"The real reason I felt so bad is that I felt ashamed at how broken I was, and that I’ll never be ‘cured’ or at least be a regular human (not that I’ve ever felt that way my entire life)."

I wrestle daily with these same feelings. I'm trying to believe that you have to go through **** to get to something better. The lotus grows out of muck and mud, and it's flower is far from 'regular'. In fact, it's one of the most beautiful flowers in the world.