[Lilly2]

I wish I could speak with professionals who have DID, like Robert B. Oxnam and Herschel Walker. I wonder how they were able to be successful, despite their dealings with a dissociative disorder. I wonder how they continue to manage their disorder, and if they ever integrated. I wonder how they dealt with the negative backlash they've experienced from skeptics who've reviewed their memoirs.

I also wish I could speak with veterans who have dissociative disorders. I've not met one (yet), but I've read about a few veterans with dissociation from the Vietnam era. There are many veterans who have dealt with childhood traumas prior to their successful or even unsuccessful military careers. It would be great to hear from those veterans, too.

I've met a few people in real life who said they were diagnosed with DID. We were never close friends, but we did get to meet and share our experiences. There were times that we freely "switched," and we were totally okay with that, even though we also felt awkward. Surprisingly, there are no live support groups that offer in-person group therapy for dissociation. It would be great to hear from anyone on PC who has had the same experiences for any of the above.

I also wish I could speak with a therapist who truly understands DID inside and out. For instance, it would be great to speak with Bethany Brand, Richard Kluft, or Colin Ross. Their articles on DID really help, I think.

I'm grateful for speaking with therapists who do understand DID, even if they aren't trained in DID. I've spoken with a few online and in person. Some were my therapists at one point, while others were not my therapists but instead were therapists by profession. It helps to know that there are those who understand DID, even if they weren't specifically trained to treat or diagnose DID.

Who would you like to speak with?

[Amyjay]

All the parts of me, maybe?? Idk.
I don't know if there is anyone "famous" who has DID that I would like to speak with, necessarily. I would like to be able to speak with every day Joe Bloggs who has DID... just to normalize the experience. You know how "normal" people get to share stuff about common experiences (Idk, relationship issues, friendship issues, I have no idea what, but I am sure other people get to share common experiences with other people, or at least I have always felt like I am missing out on shared relationship experiences) … any way I would like to have that sense of "Oh, I KNOW what you mean, I hate it when that happens!" about every day dissociative experiences that crop up to make life.... "interesting".
So yeah... just your average Joe Bloggs/Jane Doe DIDer would suit me.
Actually I'll stick with Jane.

fyi, kathy broady does phone consultations, if that helps any.

I am a professional with DID. I am successful in my job.But for a long time, probably ten years, i was a mess. Thankfully those days are long behind me now. Not integrated, but our DID doesnt interfere in our life any more.

[Amyjay]

Actually, for that matter, I suppose I am a professional who is successful in my career, as well, although I don't think of myself as such. I have marched up through the ranks much quicker than most and had professional articles published in national magazines and journals for my profession. Although, when I say "I" I don't actually mean "me", personally.
So there's that.

[Lilly2]

All of you are professionals, and all of you ROCK!

Thank you!!! I just needed hope that I can get out of this rut. I've met so many wonderful people who are disabled, but I'm trying to be a functional disabled person, if not a professional in the end.

I could use all the support I can get.

Last time I tried, I did well and aced all my courses, but I failed when it came to working with one professional, even though I've worked better with other professionals. Getting an education is easier than actually attempting to work. It was so hard to maintain my system, and to keep a professional appearnce when parts of you want to be goofy, play, miss social cues, etc.

Thank you... @Amyjay and @Starry_Night

[Lilly2]

Can I speak with you guys? On PC? About how you guys managed your systems while in grad school and at work?

[Amyjay]

I was diagnosed post education and after I had "become" successful. Since diagnosis our work has definitely suffered. So I don't know that I would be much help. The year leading up to diagnosis and since then has been quite messy. We obviously still have it in us to do good work, but personally I most often have no idea what I am doing and it all feels WAY too hard.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I was diagnosed post education and after I had "become" successful. Since diagnosis our work has definitely suffered. So I don't know that I would be much help. The year leading up to diagnosis and since then has been quite messy. We obviously still have it in us to do good work, but personally I most often have no idea what I am doing and it all feels WAY too hard.

@Amyjay

Do you think I can ever successfully complete grad school? My mentors don't know (and will never know) about my DID, but they all recommended me, and one is in the process of writing an LOR this weekend. I only have my personal statement to write (which is taking me some time) before I complete my application. I've already interviewed with two people who really like me. I'm afraid of failing after I get in.

And then, even if I do graduate successfully and go onto a doctoral program, I worry about that. And then, even if I successfully graduate from a doctoral program, I fear about my ability to actually work. As a veteran, I get priority hiring for governmental jobs, but the kind of work I'd be going for is high-ranking, though I'd only want to work part-time in my role or find employment through non-profit organizations, unless I start one myself and work with external IRBs. --Those are my dreams, but I'm scared of having my dreams squashed. I want to be supported, but I'm scared.

Maybe undergrad was easier for me, since I did well and got honors, etc. But grad school is another thing, more professional. And then careers are even more taxing, so I can understand how people with mental disabilities have difficulties when it comes to their embarkment on early careers, etc.

I feel like a little child in and older person's body who is walking into every arena like some wide-eyed girl in pigtails; the person I knew before military trauma is gone.

I'm not brave or strong anymore. I've been stuck in this little girl phase ever since. I cannot see myself as an adult unless I'm doing bills or standing up for myself, and even then, there are alters who switch over and show me how it "should be done."

I don't know what happened to me.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Big, big, big hugs to you

[Lilly2]

@Amyjay

(((safe hugs))) (((lots of hugs)))

I'm sorry you struggle now, and that your struggles affect your work.

When I read Oxnam's book (A Fractured Mind), I think he went through a rough patch and took some time off before returning to his government (or government-like) job. I hope he's still alive and okay. I haven't checked. He was an inspiration to me because his story brought me hope for myself and for others with DID, like you. Maybe you will get through this rough patch and then succeed in your line of work.

I don't know what to do at this point in my life, but one of my mentors said that, at my age, I need to do it now and keep moving forward. One of my mentors is a retired social worker and researcher, but he doesn't know about my DID. He only knows of my PTSD.

My other mentors in different fields are all supportive, but they don't know about my DID.

The one mentor who did know about my DID, who also happened to disbelieve in DID, never supported me. I knew then to never disclose DID. It's hard enough to disclose PTSD, but DID - that's too controversial, as are other disorders. I was asked to disclose my disorders by this mentor, however. I was never asked to disclose anything by my other mentors, which worked out much better for me.

And I'm not even at the level of working.

I've deteriorated for the past five years, largely due to retraumatization from multiple people. I moved far away from them to rehabilitate. Those mean people hurt me, which worsened my conditions. I would have been fine had it not been for them stunting my progress in therapy.

Anyway, I hope we are both able to heal and grow from all this. Maybe all of us could use some advice from one of the famous DID-ers who pushed through and found meaningful and successful careers or ways of life.

It's nice to hear from you, too, because you are successful! I wish I had your skills. I'm not there yet.

[Lilly2]

Thank you! @purple,Violent,Blue

(((safe hugs)))

[lizardlady]

Lilly, I've been reading some of your posts about DID and wanted to offer you encouragement. I have/had (?) DID. I'm integrated so I'm not sure what tense to use.

Anyway..... I returned to college as an undergrad in my 40s, went on to complete grad school and became a licensed therapist. I never told any of my professors about my diagnoses, but I did tell a couple of classmates who became friends. I'm told by clients and coworkers that I'm good at what I do. I firmly believe that my own struggles help me empathize with clients.

My advice is to go for it hon. I was scared at times. I wondered what the "heck" I thought I was doing a lot. I kept coming back to a story a lady in the non-traditional students (code for old farts) office told me. An 80 year old lady applied for admission. Her friends told her she was crazy because she'd be 84 by the time she graduated. Her response? "In four years I'll be 84 whether I go to school or not." She went on to earn her degree.

Going to repeat myself... go for your dream hon.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

Lilly, I've been reading some of your posts about DID and wanted to offer you encouragement. I have/had (?) DID. I'm integrated so I'm not sure what tense to use.

Anyway..... I returned to college as an undergrad in my 40s, went on to complete grad school and became a licensed therapist. I never told any of my professors about my diagnoses, but I did tell a couple of classmates who became friends. I'm told by clients and coworkers that I'm good at what I do. I firmly believe that my own struggles help me empathize with clients.

My advice is to go for it hon. I was scared at times. I wondered what the "heck" I thought I was doing a lot. I kept coming back to a story a lady in the non-traditional students (code for old farts) office told me. An 80 year old lady applied for admission. Her friends told her she was crazy because she'd be 84 by the time she graduated. Her response? "In four years I'll be 84 whether I go to school or not." She went on to earn her degree.

Going to repeat myself... go for your dream hon.

@lizardlady

Thank you so much!

I decided to do research instead of clinical training. I'm scared of the clinical training because I'm scared of secondary trauma, or being a horrible therapist.

I also decided to change majors to another field because I completely had a falling out with my clinical psychology mentor, who wasn't so ethical with me in the sense that he was trying to act like my therapist, and also in the sense that he doesn't believe in DID. We butted heads. He also doesn't like to actually do therapy; he only likes doing research and teaching. Anyway, he had me sending him emails about my trauma, and then blamed me for practically freaking out over the emails I was sending him, and then blamed me for him burning out, etc. I was doing great until I had lack of supervision (mentor neglect) on my post-bacc work for research, no writing help, brain drain from writing "journals" in emails to him for about three years, and getting constantly triggered with things that I shared with him and not even my own therapist. Then he said that I reminded him of his early childhood trauma, and that he'd never recommend me for clinical psychology. I think he spoke with my T at the VA, so then my T at the VA told me that I'd never be a T. I left that T and reported her for that, because I had wasted all that time for nothing. My condition worsened, and I felt really sad. The whole three years was crazy-making to me. The mentor had counter-transferrence issues with me; I thought that only happened in therapy. I freaked. I can never show my face again. I quit the APA membership as a student-affiliate, and I was depressed for nearly two years. I never went online to any groups, and I felt bad for having DID and other things that nobody believed in. I also felt bad that my trauma story triggered my mentor, who now hates me - literally, he does. I published with that man, too, which makes it all the more embarrassing for me to have to explain to anyone who asks why he isn't one of my referees. I feel ashamed and can never go into any psychology field.

So, I chose a different field, and I have good mentors from other fields.

I do have a really nice professional development mentor, but she's short-term and a clinical psychologist (research mainly). She has helped me with the transition out of psychology, though she did state that it's possible for me to still try for clinical psych. The thing is, I'm so traumatized from the therapy abuse in the distal past with some lady that had me spend the night, and have sessions in her bedroom, that I think I'd suck at clinical training, and maybe that's why I failed with the clinical psych mentor, even though he was also unethical, as I found out from another T I had at the VA.

I was doing great as an undergrad and got awards and honors with nearly all A's. I don't even know now if I could pass a class in grad school let alone get back to the same academic I was about 5 years ago. I'm sad and scared of everything.

It helps me to know that you are a therarpist and have DID. But I'm not fully integrated. I don't know if I can ever get integrated. I feel like I've failed at that, too. I tried to be my own therapist at times, but then I'd wind up speaking with an alter for help. LOL, but seriously. I just want to be well enough for research at least, since the clinical psychologist mentor scared me out of the psych field.

I have some hope now. Thank you!

[Lilly2]

@lizardlady

In my emails to that cp mentor, I switched, and my alters were writing the trauma history for me. Some of the littles liked the mentor because he was a good dad to his kids. Some of the teen alters were mad at him, however, because he said something negative about his teen kid. I freaked because I thought I had my DID under control in school, since I got great grades and all, but then that all happened. Then there's me (real name hidden under pseudonymn "Lilly2", "Lilly" (the internal helper/inside therapist to us all), Claire (the older secretary/admin who fused with an alter named Mr. Writer), a baby alter (preverbal), and other alters, including protector ones. They are all still there. They all helped me in school and throughout my life, really.

As long as I'm not asked about my own traumas, I'm good. It was having to disclose my traumas that made the experience weird and scary.

I have more respect for therapists now though.

[lizardlady]

A so called therapist had you do therapy sessions in her bedroom! OMG! Sounds like you had rotten luck with therapists. Sadly there's a ton of them out there who should not be seeing clients. I don't understand therapis working with someone when they don't believe in the diagnosis. They should refer the person.

I NEVER talked about my traumas in grad classes or with professors. I dealt with it in personal therapy sessions. I also had a totally awesome clinical supervisor for licensure. I didn't get into specfics in supervision, but could talk to her about how things from my past were impacted by client's stories.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by lizardlady

A so called therapist had you do therapy sessions in her bedroom! OMG! Sounds like you had rotten luck with therapists. Sadly there's a ton of them out there who should not be seeing clients. I don't understand therapis working with someone when they don't believe in the diagnosis. They should refer the person.

I NEVER talked about my traumas in grad classes or with professors. I dealt with it in personal therapy sessions. I also had a totally awesome clinical supervisor for licensure. I didn't get into specfics in supervision, but could talk to her about how things from my past were impacted by client's stories.

Thank you, @lizardlady

I wish I had met you and this forum before I did post-bacc "training." Back then, I thought that everyone had to disclose. I had no idea that there were kinder training environments like the one you went through.

Thank you for validating my words and pain.

[Lilly2]

Wow, 84! That is amazing! So inspirational!

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

You are inspirational, Lilly2

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with Purple that you're inspirational, Lilly ((( safe hugs )))

[Lilly2]

Awe, thank you guys! You are both inspirational to me, too! @Fuzzybear and @Purple,Violet,Blue

So many people on PC are inspirational, too!

Life is meant to thrive, not merely survive. It would be great for us to all thrive in the midst of our disabilities, or given our limitations. We all have so much to offer the world. We may not feel it, see it, or know it yet, but every single one of us here, no matter the disorders we hold, have something good to offer the world. We learn from one another, we encourage one another, we accept one another when we're feeling anything other than what society calls "normal." When we step outside of our comfort zones and into the realms of attempting happiness, or fulfilling a dream, the journey (not the prize) becomes rewarding. We thrive at the moment we decide, "I'm good enough." We are all good enough, right where we're at. It's that first step toward thriving, no matter how painful or scary that step may be, that counts.

There may be people who knock us down or put up barricades when we take that first step, or even before we even lift our foot off the ground, but there are other people who are there to guide us, help us, and even offer us a cane to make that step happen. There's no shame in having a cane, or a person by your side to help you walk. There's no shame in having a prosthetic leg, or a wheelchair to guide your steps. Thriving is moving forward, learning from the past, and embracing each moment of the journey - all feelings included. Thriving isn't "happy" all the time, but thriving is moving forward with a belief that could turn into a reality. Thriving is accepting the tears, the pain, the anger, and everything that comes with us on our journey. Thriving is accepting the journey.

And then there are some people like @lizardlady who help give us tools to take that journey toward thriving, and who have had overcome the barriers in their own lives in order to take that journey. They are inspirational, too.