triggering... a viewpoint on DID

triggering..








This is my opinion... for my life... not for any.. any other DIDer's out there..

I repeat... this is for my life ONLY....

I put this post here... because if pain... could kill... I would not be here.... that is the amount of pain that I am in...



I did not choose to be DID..... I didn't do anything.. in life... to choose DID... I try to live my life responsibly... I try to be consistent for my friends... I try to keep my pain... my past pain from them.... because.. they do not want.. not can they bear to hear it..

I cannot be consistent.... I just cannot be.... I have alters... and my alters are very very different from each other... it has always been that way... people notice... yes they do.. when I worked... people noticed... big time... and my manager would call me in and say... that others noticed that I was so very differerent on different days..

I made my self "the best"... at work... progamming... specialized myself... so that I could have job security.. if they couldn't find anyone else to do what I did.. then they made consesions... for my differences... I hid myself in a profession of people that were "known" to be different anyway..

I don't want to be DID... the people around me... I hurt... yepper... because I cannot be.. the alter they want me to be... and I cannot control that.. I am not that good... and the host... is not around... my DID is on the severe range... so alters led "my" life... I talk as I am the host - but I am not.. I am an alter.. a powerful alter... but an alter all the same...

so.. I also... do very out of control things..

the T view... is that alters seek to put themselves in the same position where they were hurt in the past... and that will allow them to work out a more successful solution...

IT SUCKS.... beyond hurting me... and putting me in terrible danger... I also deal with people judging me.. by standards that I cannot possibly met...

sooooooooooooo today... if a person could die from sheer pain... then I would not be here..

I, too, am thankful one does not usually die from sheer pain.

Yes,I am sure that having your parts split apart without good communication and without a common understandable goal can be frustrating.

IDK that your alters seek to put themselves in position, but that perhaps they are stuck in time and don't realize they are not still in that position of hurt? This is one reason that building some way of communication helps over the long run... to continue to assure them, all of you, that it isn't happening now, that you are safe now, and everyone's "job" can change for a better purpose.

((((safe hug))))

Thank you... I wish I could.....I wish... that communication... and better yet.... agreement would happen... but it doesn't..

Simple.. things.. seem impossible... my alter.. that had no coat as a child... goes all winter.. wearing no coat.. no hat.. no boots... and... she does not get cold... but the rest of us do... 19 degrees... and no coat... never a coat.....the T.. tells her.. wear a coat... we are cold.. she listens not.. we cannot overcome her decision.. she is not cold....can't force a coat.. or hat.. doesn't work like that...

That.. is just a simple thing... the complex things.. are more impossible.. and cause.. the imense pain of the past.. to be in the present..

and who really cares.... I mean really.. who really cares...

and sometimes.. I do wish that the pain would just make me die....seems like a solution... the world.. would have one less person to judge.. to try ... to convict.. to find wanting.. and useless...

Just so very.. very much pain.... and no relief... no T.. for another week.. and even if he was here.. what could he say....work harder.. try harder...

tired... bone... tired...and found "wanting"... by the people that love me...

But it will happen for you... it does take time I believe.

See? You already know some of the issues your parts have.... that is progress.

I think that maybe you have a part that makes you wish to die, maybe that's that part's entire purpose... that when you feel all else fails, die?

Take your time, you're on the right path. (((hugs)))

one day at a time, free, that's all any of us can do. can you keep a coat in your bag so that when you switch, you can have one? maybe if the situation is complicated, come up with complicated solutions to get ahead of the game....

it is always easier to see answers for others than it is for ourselves.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks guys... I so appreciate your concern and suggestions...(((hugs)))

I don't think the people who care about you are judging or finding you wanting so much as frustrated that they cannot help more. It hurts them too that you hurt and they cannot help . . .

Buy the little one a light, soft, snow white "shawl"? Tell her it is just for her, for her "job".

yes - perhaps the little one can have a shawl and pretend she's acting; either Snow White or "The Little Match Girl"... just don't let her sit in the cold and die of a broken heart.

Hugs, Kiya

Freewill - I can understand your feelings I have been that wy before. I think the shawl idea might be worth the try. We always have to try other things that other people wouldn't even think of doing. I hope things get better soon.

Tobey

((((((((((( freewill ))))))))))))

People do care about you my friend....I certainly care! I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you and the others at times. I hope you know that I accept you for who you are....all the time....no expectations.....no rules or regulations. I'm always here to be a sounding board if you would like.....just a pm away my friend.

*Gentle Hugs* to all of you
sabby

((((((freewill))))))))

((((freewill))))

I hear you my friend and I hope you know I care. I understand what you are saying. My heart goes out to you. Know that I am here if you need me. I love you my friend.

cami

i agree with you alot. but i like what you are saying,, "This is me...this is US....." Take it or leave it.

If emotional pain could kill, i would have died at a young age. Im amazed my heart still beats sometimes. Sometimes it's as though i 'm just waiting for this body to grow old and die like my mind feels like sometimes (and my heart).
Hang in there........You are good as you are.