[ReveuseTroublee]

It took me so long to figure out I am allowed to call what I went through trauma, because everything was so deeply engrained and imprinted in me that it felt normal and like this is just who I am.
My mother and all her projections - I am none of that.
Neither you are but I get it... I still feel like everybody hates me even though people tell me they love to be around me or even missed me when I was gone for longer. Yes, I always had a high tendency to dissociate but I was made to be so easily hurt, so vulnerable.
I feel immensely guilty and worthless for no reason.
I never thought it was a problem. Dissociation seemed normal. Seemed to be part of me... I lost so much time of my life to living like this.
It was the key element in everything.
Now I finally see... How could I be blinded for so long?
I lived through narcissistic abuse from a very young age. I struggle to access all the memories - but I was constantly exposed to what she told me. The world is bad, we are special ... You are guilty, you are bad, you are wrong, failure, liar, disappointment, you are amazing, I love you, you are disgusting, you are evil, you are arrogant, you are a monster... Rage and everything...
I kinda have to figure out more...
So I can reprogram myself and learn that everything she said was wrong.
I am allowed to be outside of anxiety and OCD keeping safe and caged.
I am allowed to have an opinion.
I am allowed to express emotion like I please.
I am real.
Nothing is only good or bad.
I choose how I see the world and myself.
'Society made you ill.' No you did!!
I learned to manipulate myself, keep myself small, applied what she did to me to myself...
Everything falls into place.
Everything.

[Alatea]

Thank you @Breaking Dawn and @ReveuseTroublee,

It meant a lot to get a feedback yesterday, I just wasn't in the shape to answer right away.
I was encouraged by your understanding, and I shared some of my feelings irl today as well...well, it was more like bursting into tears, lol, but that has to be good as well, as I let emotions come out as they are.
Best,
A.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by Alatea

Thank you @Breaking Dawn and @ReveuseTroublee,

It meant a lot to get a feedback yesterday, I just wasn't in the shape to answer right away.
I was encouraged by your understanding, and I shared some of my feelings irl today as well...well, it was more like bursting into tears, lol, but that has to be good as well, as I let emotions come out as they are.
Best,
A.

You won't believe how proud I am of you. I know how hard it is.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I am really scared. I wish Monday was already there. I want to get that done.
I am much more in the presence.

[ReveuseTroublee]

.
.
.

.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I am so scared to lose days, months and years again. I am so frightened to get back to where I have been. I try to understand, but I am scared I can't keep it together. The memories will fade. This is why even if it is hard, I keep repeating in my head over and over and over and over again. The physical symptoms and mental symptoms are so overwhelming. But I can see, I can fight, I can defend, I can attack. I can't forget. I don't want to get into full blown denial. This my chance to get out of this and I never know when there will be another one and if I even have one. This step is so important for me. It determines wether I will slip back again or finally break free.
Now I can see, metaphorically and in real life? But when will the pictures get blurred again? Her reality become mine.

[ReveuseTroublee]

[ReveuseTroublee]

[ReveuseTroublee]

[ReveuseTroublee]

I also just noticed how I (almost) spammed this thread. I will try to reduce it.

[Breaking Dawn]

At least one of the voices seems to be horribly mentally ill. Some sort of malfunction in the brain. Very cruel. I need a medication to prevent his maltreatment.

[stahrgeyzer]

It seems a part likes to roam around & eat other peoples food in the refrigerator at the airbnb here at night when I'm asleep. So I got a motion detection camera to see what's happening. Besides that everything's okay.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

It seems a part likes to roam around & eat other peoples food in the refrigerator at the airbnb here at night when I'm asleep. So I got a motion detection camera to see what's happening. Besides that everything's okay.

Smart move. Yeah, I find filming and taking pictures really helpful...

[ReveuseTroublee]

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

It seems a part likes to roam around & eat other peoples food in the refrigerator at the airbnb here at night when I'm asleep. So I got a motion detection camera to see what's happening. Besides that everything's okay.

That's so interesting, how modern technology can see what's going on while you're asleep. Your software engineering background kind of makes you a detective, like Sherlock Holmes.

[ReveuseTroublee]

He believed me and called me multiple. I just want to vomit and hide behind under a rock. I hate myself. I am disgusting. I feel like I have to harm myself. I wish I could end it. I won't but I feel like I am obligated to do.

[Breaking Dawn]

Having coffee this morning seems to be lifting my spirits.

[ReveuseTroublee]

I feel better, just utterly confused and stuck in this brain fog.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Long and unstructured - mind dump

It is hard when you are perceived as so normal even by your psychiatrist and that is exactly what scares me.
How normal I seemed - how long I handled my life even though how mentally ill I was all throughout my life.
If most people would experience only 20% of my struggles maybe even less they would already storm the psychiatrist's offices.
This is not based on suffering. I don't think I suffer more than others. Mostly I am unaware which is quite dangerous for me.
But the broad variety of symptoms and strength of them is overwhelming. It is even hard for me to grasp let alone others.
I don't blame anybody.
It is just my life.
If he or any psychiatrist would have met us in school I probably would not have even mentioned my social anxiety and all the panic attacks and in elementary I would have never talked about my OCD. To me it was so normal... I would have seemed a little scared or shy maybe but otherwise fully normal. You can always have a panic attack/mental breakdown in the bathroom you know, later on. And I was just ashamed of it.
After school I thought life would be good now.
I blamed school for everything.
I usually speak of my issues in the past tense because it is hard for me to describe the present state.
But then everything went downhill from there.
The worst times of my life came when I hoped now it would get better.
And I kinda knew that... Because the outer circumstances did not matter a thing anymore at this point. I could have had the perfect life - I feel like my life was great back then and it still would have ended in desaster.
I can't tell you how many times I was told it was just a phase. How many times I believed it. I wanted to believe so desperately. I had a really bad gut feeling but I still hoped for the best.
I lost lots of time. I can't participate in life. I am so out of it. I wish these people would see me living. They would witness my breakdowns.
When you stop self-harming they think you are cured.
I am not.
That is the issue.
This appointment yesterday (it is 4 am here) and talking about my mother (honestly) is still in my head. I can't sleep.
What if he lied to me? What if he just told me what I wanted to hear?
What if he never believed me? If he just said this to me because he wanted to get rid of me?
What if nobody believes me? I don't even believed myself.
He talked about multiplicity like it was nothing. I have to live with this everyday whatever that is. It is not fun. I also told him I have high doubts but he did not have any. And this was so hard on me. I know he knows me for so long now. But still...
My mother drove me and I kinda remembered the smell of the car and such. I also recognized the exam rooms but it was more like I dreamed to have been there and a voice went 'look there is the bathroom in the back where I had all these panic attacks'. And I was not even shocked I could not even hold back a 'oh, it really happened/it is real' in that childish voice (I hate when that happens and I lose control of my body like this) and I said I could not orientate myself or sth (which is pretty normal but I rarely notice it when I am at home and I think I spent up to 4 months at home now). I don't remember and then the receptionist checked up on me. Of course everything 3rd person view in memory because that is how you enjoy life you know. From never participating from just watching. Sassy. I honestly have no idea.
The issue is I believe it myself sometimes. I am so used to severe mental illness symptoms like regular panic attacks that I can have one in the bathroom and come out maybe only 15 minutes later and be like nothing ever happened. I can't construct days now. I cam't tell really it is just so unchronological and sometimes it just 'leaves my brain. I sometimes can't even differentiate between all the different symptoms. I can sometimes only even say it is a good or a bad day. Sometimes even not that. I am so disconnected from myself it is astonishing. And the amount of times I thought I was magically cured by glasses, meds and even if I just had not self-harmed or thought about it for one day or had a good week... It just leaved my mind. My whole life leaves my mind. My vision and hearing improve and worsen like they please. My cognitive abilities and such - I can't depend on anything. I do things with ease and suddenly struggle with it. You can tell me something 20 times, I will ask 20 times and I won't register it. Good, it is usually maybe just 4 or 5 times (don''t even know for sure) :') but it I won't even register and then I have to rely on my intuition.
I feel like I am really intuitive because I can't rely on my body and mind a lot. I have to analyze and so on and learn from experience to be able to tell things. Thankfully I also have vivid dreams which I can use too. Sometimes even they are more useful then my own memories. I don't remember it unless I take notes and with self-harm I would forget it too. I might look withdrawn and exhausted after I had an episode or sth. but you would never guess anything.
Most people don't know I ever self-harmed.
I would not believe myself if I did not keep all these pictures in my gallery and on my skin and so on.
Sometimes it angers me how I always try to keep it invisible because I want to see it. I want to feel it and know it and be able to recall everything about it. Not just provoking physical symptoms and some blurred visual pieces which I call my small memories. But they are just chunks, third person or dream-like and I have to organize everything. Then they leave, something new pops up but also leaves. Everything just leaves. I am scared to fabricate memories in the process of kinda trying to put them together.
But I more and more learn about ways I harmed myself or things that where planned on to harm myself and I am in disbelief and I wish I would have been on drugs or just physically ill.
I saw this bottle of a cleaner and I suddenly - I just knew something again. And it got disturbing for me. I just can't comprehend this gravity. This severity.
Anything I can grasp. Anything I can easily comprehend.
It just extremely difficult to think about it.
Also the amount of times I tried and maybe still try to believe myself I was faking. And I never succeeded and then you fall down into that deep hole because you realize you truly have struggles. Nobody would fake anything for as long as I did if that person does not have issues. So even if I would fabricate everything I would still have to deal with it.
Because this is dangerous.
I feel so nauseous I want to vomit. I just can't sleep and I can't process anything.
Maybe I should have asked for medication...
But I guess there is no one to make you feel energized and none that takes the somatic symptoms away.
I can't stop thinking about purging.
It would be such a relief.
Everythibg is incredibly dream-like you know. And as much as I would like to make myself believe it was not that bad reall which is easy if it does not feel real or you can't associate yoirself with it.
I also almost got made to run into traffic by one of the people in my head/voices/parts... I FORGOT about that I just remember now that I am back home. So the thing was that I felt like I could not have the apppointment because I was not able to get the steps done to ring the bell, open the door and speak. I quickly took over and managed it for that child at least she behaves like one... But this is dangerous.
How careless I get, how little I can sometimes do, how little I perceive myself and my surroundings. I don't notice what is going on insude but neither outside.
I find notes that describe dissociation before it was even picked on by professionals before I even knew what went on. To me it was so normal. OCD was normal only when things got disabling (the only thing my parents ever picked on usually) then it was an issue.
If I would not have these severe self-destruction habits that are more and more showing artificial disorder tendencies - I would never gotten help.
It is sad but it is true.
I think back then I self-harmed because I felt like that is the only way to get help. Embarrassing I know but I was frightened. Looking back from what I know now there was no life.
At some point I could not leave the house anymore.
I can fill you a book with diagnoses I had... I literally was diagnosed with almost everything you can get diagnosed with.
I am not proud of this.
But it shows what happens if you don't get help or way too late. I did not want help, I was too proud to admit to it at that point but I had no choice - even though I could not talk so I had to find ways to verbalize it. I had so many rules for myself. Things I was not allowed. The way I had to behave and so on. It is ridiculous. Basically being forced to be perfect. Don't ever show flaws, be a good girl, deny and repress. Even though I felt obligated to behave like an adult at 13. I felt like now I was grown up.
It is disturbing to know how long all these issues I have now date back to. I have my diary and such where I can kinda read that. I have multiple diaries in fact. And it is disturbing to me. I just kept it as evidence for what went on.
So I would believe myself.
I am so similar to my psychotic mother.
Her reality is warped.
But mine I just can't even connect to it.
I really struggle with all of this.
I am scared to never leave this fog.
I am scared to kinda get bad again.
After seeing how much I struggled after that appointment.

[ReveuseTroublee]

Nothing feels real. I hate myself and I don't know what to believe.
The anger knows no boundaries. I want to end it so so badly.
I am disgusting liar.