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Old 10-01-2021, 09:54 AM   #561
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Question Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Very strange dissociating episodes recently.
I don't know if it's another me that's doing things or myself just not recording an activity/experience. If it is someone else, he/she never talks to me or leaves a note. None of the voices remember these things being done or who did them. But yesterday morning an unknown voice was singing "I made a sandwich for you" over & over. Later when I went to the kitchen I found a half eaten sandwich, which I had no memory of. I ended up finishing the sandwich, & I'm still feeling bewildered about it.
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Old 10-01-2021, 05:44 PM   #562
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Feeling like im watching myself in a movie lately. I feel like im not present anymore. I have mixed emotions right now.
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Old 10-01-2021, 06:07 PM   #563
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

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Originally Posted by Cheryl27 View Post
Feeling like im watching myself in a movie lately. I feel like im not present anymore. I have mixed emotions right now.
Oh my goodness, @Cheryl27, I know this feeling so well, since I was a child. And I know we are not alone. Thank you so much for being here with us! P.S. Hi to Princess!
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Old 10-02-2021, 10:20 AM   #564
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

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Oh my goodness, @Cheryl27, I know this feeling so well, since I was a child. And I know we are not alone. Thank you so much for being here with us! P.S. Hi to Princess!
Thank you for letting me know im not alone and im so glad we have this forum here.
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Old 10-02-2021, 10:23 AM   #565
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Heart Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Me, too!
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Old 10-05-2021, 01:54 PM   #566
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I'm tired of this endless manic depressive cycles every week. Last night was bad so somehow Little Paul came out. I wish he would stay out all the time.
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Old 10-06-2021, 12:50 PM   #567
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Hi everyone! I feel stupid to rant, as I am not in such a terrible state that I was in last year...but...

I am afraid that my professional part took over, and keeps distracting all other needs or wishes by maintaining a tight work schedule.

I saw my mother in the street and hid from her. For two months after that, I was shaking internally day and night, to the point of not being able to stand it any longer. I took something to calm me down, but it didn’t work, until I tried to talk internally. I also used a really powerful image of a ray of light, and I turned it in my imagination into a glass-like waterfall, that washed right through me, and the shakings were gone.

There were other things too, the abuser who calls himself my father sent me a FB request, again.

The next door neighbour, after I asked her to mind the house regulations, insulted my way of life in every possible sense, calling me mentally ill, childless, friendless, family-less, jobless, reclusive, isolated and selfish. She also called me autistic, as that is apparently an insult in her mind. I never had an opportunity to hear such things about me from someone who apparently hates me, it seemed so irrational to be insulted on the basis of being discrete. I first thought nothing of it, but I think it influenced me on some level that I am not able to translate to feelings yet.

After that, I heard that my mother went to see my husband’s parents, whom he doesn’t talk to either, as they were as abusive as mine. I know it should not bother me, but I keep seeing such acts of agression as a continuation of the abuse I already suffered.
Grr.

Thank you for letting me rant...
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Old 10-06-2021, 01:31 PM   #568
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Thank you, @Alatea, for joining us!
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Old 10-07-2021, 11:40 AM   #569
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Little Paul’s kinda close to the front, and Clara’s been watching me lately. She’s like a nurse in that she’s very caring. No idea where cayla and the rest are.

I want to make an appointment with primary care dr for blood test just to see if all my symptoms are from cancer but I won’t because then they’ll want to treat me with chemotherapy.

I want to ask T on Monday if it’s ok & normal to not want to live. I haven’t wanted to in the last decade. Can’t even imagine what it must feel like to want to live. Must feel amazing.
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Old 10-10-2021, 10:00 AM   #570
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheryl27 View Post
Feeling like im watching myself in a movie lately. I feel like im not present anymore. I have mixed emotions right now.
I feel like I am watching myself a lot. I also feel like my house is foreign too.
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Old 10-10-2021, 02:58 PM   #571
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

It's been awfully hard lately. I try to talk positive to myself. I keep trying to talk to them, but that seems to be a waste of time. One of them, the worst one, keeps getting worse, very cruel. I cry a lot & pray. I'm always wishing he would disappear. I could put up with the others & get my life back. That would be so wonderful.
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Old 10-13-2021, 06:02 PM   #572
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I'm trying hard to stabilize to end horrible manic/depressive cycles. I finally ended my therapy. Monday was sad because that's when therapy is but I didn't have therapy. T seemed very hesitant to end therapy. Something just doesn't feel right. I think the problem is that I think about my problems too much and just need a break from therapy. That was the plan, at least. I just got an email from a therapist asking for my phone # to talk about therapy. I'm nervous because I'd like to know who contacted this therapist. Maybe Clara.

I just can't seem to do important things without one of the others stepping in and stopping me! One thing I learned years ago is that I can't even end my own life because one of them steps in and stops it. It makes me feel like this isn't even my life. I get it. They're just caring for me. That's what they say.
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Old 10-15-2021, 09:48 PM   #573
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Smile Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn View Post
Very strange dissociating episodes recently.
I don't know if it's another me that's doing things or myself just not recording an activity/experience. If it is someone else, he/she never talks to me or leaves a note. None of the voices remember these things being done or who did them. But yesterday morning an unknown voice was singing "I made a sandwich for you" over & over. Later when I went to the kitchen I found a half eaten sandwich, which I had no memory of. I ended up finishing the sandwich, & I'm still feeling bewildered about it.
I have littles inside who love to eat that which I shouldn't be eating - like too many sweets. When I wasn't as co-conscious, I used to dissociate and get scared about what I did or didn't eat. The littles think it helps everyone cheer up when they're feeling scared or down. I think what you're feeling is common when you aren't yet fully co-conscious with the others inside. It'll eventually get easier. We try to negotiate and keep each other in the loop now. Sometimes there's a lot going on, so the inside people try to help us out.
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Old 10-15-2021, 09:56 PM   #574
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

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Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn View Post
It's been awfully hard lately. I try to talk positive to myself. I keep trying to talk to them, but that seems to be a waste of time. One of them, the worst one, keeps getting worse, very cruel. I cry a lot & pray. I'm always wishing he would disappear. I could put up with the others & get my life back. That would be so wonderful.
My T helped me with the "angry alters" inside. She accepted them and wanted to hear from them. Eventually, they came out and said some things. She calmly listened but sternly set some boundaries so that they could have a conversation (instead of them just yelling and wanting their way). It was really challenging for me to be co-conscious with all that. Sometimes I lost time, but I eventually got used to it. It helps, too, when seeing your T twice a week, so perhaps that made a huge difference. After a few months of this, or maybe a year, the angry alters finally felt understood and were able to find a new way to protect us. Their goal is really protection, or perhaps feeling a sense of betrayal trauma. They need healing. My T would suggest that they were feeling scared, but for the longest time, the angry alters claimed they weren't "weak" and therefore weren't scared. But over time, the angry alters were able to find peace in feeling scared. They still want to prove they are tough though, but they are learning different ways. It gets scary seeing all this unfold, but it's all a part of healing. Like my T said, anger is not bad; it's a feeling. My T also said that anger is not the same as violence; violence is an action, whereas anger is a feeling. She explained how we can choose how to respond to anger when we feel it. It's a process, and it takes time to cope with those strong emotions. But the emotions are okay. Hang in there.
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Old 10-16-2021, 12:53 PM   #575
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I am not feeling well right now emotionally. I went to my session on Thursday and 5 mins into it til supper, everything was a blur. I phoned my t yesterday and left a message explaining to her that I am in a middle of a dissociation episode and feel overwhelmed.

This is the first time I have asked for help when i am this way.
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Old 10-16-2021, 05:16 PM   #576
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheryl27 View Post
I am not feeling well right now emotionally. I went to my session on Thursday and 5 mins into it til supper, everything was a blur. I phoned my t yesterday and left a message explaining to her that I am in a middle of a dissociation episode and feel overwhelmed.

This is the first time I have asked for help when i am this way.
It's good that you were able to acknowledge what dissociation you were experiencing, and it was good that you were able to ask for help! It's not easy, and it gets scary sometimes, but it may mean that you have a part who is willing to share some things in therapy and acknowledge how that part is protecting and helping you, too. It takes time for the parts to get to know you, and for you to know your parts. Hopefully your T helps you to feel less anxious and scared about the dissociation, and hopefully your T helps you and your alters to get to know one another when you all feel safe to do so.
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Old 10-17-2021, 03:49 AM   #577
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I had flashbacks of my mother's abuse yesterday

ugg. she doesn't leave me alone even though she'sno where near me.

hate flashbacks
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Old 10-17-2021, 06:20 AM   #578
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Raging Vortex,

So sorry you had flashbacks yesterday. We hate flashbacks, too.

Hope you feel better.
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Old 10-17-2021, 08:43 AM   #579
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Quote:
Originally Posted by SprinkL3 View Post
It's good that you were able to acknowledge what dissociation you were experiencing, and it was good that you were able to ask for help! It's not easy, and it gets scary sometimes, but it may mean that you have a part who is willing to share some things in therapy and acknowledge how that part is protecting and helping you, too. It takes time for the parts to get to know you, and for you to know your parts. Hopefully your T helps you to feel less anxious and scared about the dissociation, and hopefully your T helps you and your alters to get to know one another when you all feel safe to do so.

I am starting to understand myself. For many years I always thought it was anxiety crisis mode. Now I am understanding that it's part of dissociation and it might mean I have parts too. I am relieved that im starting to come to terms, it's scary. I think my therapist is trained to help
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Old 10-17-2021, 08:44 AM   #580
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

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I had flashbacks of my mother's abuse yesterday

ugg. she doesn't leave me alone even though she'sno where near me.

hate flashbacks
Those flashbacks are very hard, I have them to everytime I have to talk to my Dad or Step Mom
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