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Heart Nov 30, 2021 at 01:59 PM
  #641
It's very hard. I wish, & I plan, & I let myself down, over & over again. I keep trying. I'm trying again today. I'm wishing. And I'm deeply sorry for everything all of you are going through! I'll be wishing for you, too!

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Heart Nov 30, 2021 at 02:12 PM
  #642
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn View Post
It's very hard. I wish, & I plan, & I let myself down, over & over again. I keep trying. I'm trying again today. I'm wishing. And I'm deeply sorry for everything all of you are going through! I'll be wishing for you, too!
((( safe hugs @ Breaking Dawn )))

I'm so sorry you are struggling, too! Thank you for wishing us well, even as you yourself are struggling.

I let myself down a lot, too. I'm dealing with a ton of issues at the moment. I'm prediabetic, so it's hard for me to let go of the sweets. I'm OCD, but I can't seem to get out of the apartment to walk during the day, or stop washing my hands so frequently. I freak out over everything. But, like my T says, just one tiny step at a time - and to celebrate the little victories. So, that's what I'm trying to do. It's hard though. I make many mistakes along the way.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 01:54 AM
  #643
I just watched the movie Amelia 2.0. I forgot that most people want to live and love life so much. That seems so foreign and unfathomable to me. It makes me wonder if it's possible for people like me to be like that. Until then, life is just a living nightmare.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 11:47 AM
  #644
I didn't do anything today.

was meant to put up the rest of my christmas decorations, but you know.... didn't,.

I have so little drive to get anything done
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 02:45 PM
  #645
I swear I'm stuck in some lucid dream or simulation and there's an overseer who continuously pushes me to the brink with one bad situation after the next, and then just when I'm about to permanently snap and honestly find the nearest tall cliff things just magically become all peachy and nice as if everything's fine and dandy.

A lot of people in modern spirituality say earth is a school. If true, then I think it's the most barbaric inefficient evil way of teaching living beings. I'll take modern school approach of making everything known, not hiding behind the scene. Sometimes I think we're all in a Big Brain as alters living in a lucid dream type reality, and most of us just aren't aware we're alters. I told that to my DID neuropsychologist and he found that to be very interesting.

I'm done rambling/venting but still not okay. It's not okay to torture people for the sake of learning! BTW headline news says the first omicron covid case was just detected here in California.
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Default Dec 01, 2021 at 10:09 PM
  #646
We had a nightmare today. We're so tired, and we only slept 3 hours.

The nightmare was about death. It was horrible.

We have an alter named "Brains." He helps us to think when it is foggy for us.

Life is living hell; I think it's just cognitive dissonance talking when people suggest that life is like school. I've even said it, admittedly, which helps to cope with reality in a different way. But what if we are just lying to ourselves? What if life is really hellish, dangerous, corrupt, and what if things were meant to be better? It would mean that we deserve justice we never got, that people are responsible (but not us), and that the pain of being a victim in this cruel world is all the more real. --That reality hits home as I process some (not all) traumas, and deal with the grieving process one little bit at a time.
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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 11:38 AM
  #647
Sometimes just feel like I'm losing my mind. A few weeks ago I removed a rug that was glued/taped onto the hardwood floor here in my airbnb room, which left four long streaks of glue stuff that was difficult to remove. After spending hours removing two of the streaks I decided to leave the other two for another day. This morning I wake up and they're gone except for a leftover two inch section. Did I hallucinate the whole thing or did a part/alter get tired of it and remove it? Nobody left notes on the pad of paper, as usual.

Only thing worse than DID is when you're an unwanted isolated part!
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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 11:46 AM
  #648
Forgot the part how the neighboring airbnb has permanent drug addicts and dealers who decided to have an entire night yelling and fighting with each other. Even physical violence. I always wondered how they could stay up the entire night nearly every nibht talking at 1000 mph. They usually go for 5 or more hours where two of them talking loud to each other non-stop. They're probably taking speed. Wish I would have video recorded it and showed it to my T to see if it's real or if I'm just hallucinating.
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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 12:12 PM
  #649
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Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer View Post
Forgot the part how the neighboring airbnb has permanent drug addicts and dealers who decided to have an entire night yelling and fighting with each other. Even physical violence. I always wondered how they could stay up the entire night nearly every nibht talking at 1000 mph. They usually go for 5 or more hours where two of them talking loud to each other non-stop. They're probably taking speed. Wish I would have video recorded it and showed it to my T to see if it's real or if I'm just hallucinating.
Why are you in an Airbnb? Are you okay?

I have those dissociative moments when things get moved around and I forgot that one of my parts told me they moved it for our protection or something else. That doesn't happen as much with me, but it does on occasion.
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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 12:34 PM
  #650
I wake up to things that have been done all the time. If I have parts or alters, they never talk to me. I have voices all day long every day, but all of them claim that they don't know anything about these mysterious things being done. By the way, while I was typing this, they were yelling at me. Just now they're arguing with each other.

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Default Dec 02, 2021 at 06:35 PM
  #651
@SprinkL3 Thanks, I'm okay. Airbnbs aren't as private as an apartment but it forces me to talk to people every so often. It's a 4 bedroom airbnb shared house. It's like getting 4 different roommates every month or two. Some people make me feel comfortable. Some are scary, but I can always hide in my room.
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Default Dec 03, 2021 at 06:38 AM
  #652
body hurts (really hurts) from showering

ow ow ow

numb
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Default Dec 03, 2021 at 02:58 PM
  #653
What's good about triggering? It makes me depressed & do SI. And lately I'm learning that it might make other parts front and do things I'm not aware of. Somehow I just need to stop triggering!

When I used to talk to the voices, Cayla once told me that in inner world I'm 10 yo and she's 9. That's so confusing. Can the host be a different age than the body? If that's true then why do some of the parts call me an adult? Feel like I'm getting the worst part of the deal. They use the body whenever and for the most part do not want to interact with me.

Ever so often I have vivid memories that look and feel so real like they're real life memories but have no idea if they're inner world memories. They're not outer world memories.
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Default Dec 03, 2021 at 10:48 PM
  #654
We purchased a lot of gifts for our close friends, local acquaintances, and a few close relatives. Also, the littles wanted Snoopy, one of the new Care Bears, and a very expensive bear set, so we got them those things.

You could say that we used IFS coping to deal with retail therapy during the holidays. It feels good to give and to reach out.

We reached out to an ex. We hope he has a new girlfriend because we just couldn't be in a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter. We feel safest alone, but we love him as a friend, so we got him some gifts. He struggles like us with some depression stuff - maybe also PTSD. He's a professor, so we worry about him. But he plays it safe, and he loves cats. We purchased a few cat-themed things for him, including a cat board game (for humans, but the cats could still walk all over the board gams in the same manner that the walk on our laptops, LOL - Meow!).

We're avoiding some feelings, but we are also freaking out over possible future laws and changes, covid surges, etc. So, we're doing what we can now to enjoy our time and perhaps stock up.
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Heart Dec 03, 2021 at 11:18 PM
  #655
Quote:
Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer View Post
What's good about triggering? It makes me depressed & do SI. And lately I'm learning that it might make other parts front and do things I'm not aware of. Somehow I just need to stop triggering!

When I used to talk to the voices, Cayla once told me that in inner world I'm 10 yo and she's 9. That's so confusing. Can the host be a different age than the body? If that's true then why do some of the parts call me an adult? Feel like I'm getting the worst part of the deal. They use the body whenever and for the most part do not want to interact with me.

Ever so often I have vivid memories that look and feel so real like they're real life memories but have no idea if they're inner world memories. They're not outer world memories.
Have you tried grounding techniques to cope with feeling overwhelmed and anxious when too many intrusive thoughts and trauma triggers occur among you and your alters?

Have you also tried internal family systems therapy and coping (aka "IFS")? This is where you learn to communicate with your alters inside and hold meetings with them so that you are cooperating and working together - especially when dealing with triggers and making major life decisions. How we started out was in a trauma treatment facility, where our assigned therapist (who happened to be the director of the program) asked us to write in a journal and have the alters respond back. It was amazing how the alters began responding back! Soon, I became more familiar with their voices and what they looked like in the "inside world." I learned to use art therapy to illustrate parts of my inside world and parts of my alters. I became more and more familiar with who I was and who my alters were. It was scary at first, but we got used to one another. We still have a lot of internal chaos from time to time, but we generally get along now. We're more co-conscious, which means that we don't lose as much time. The trauma treatment facility we attended in the past considered this "managed dissociation," because our dissociation never really goes away. It's a unique disorder where we are pretty much managing our dissociation instead of trying to eradicate it. For some, integration is a goal, but for others, co-consciousness is the ultimate goal. We chose to stick with co-consciousness as an ultimate goal, since there are too many dangers in the world that keep our dissociation and internal identities intact.

What helps is if you have a good therapist who can see you once a week or more, and if the therapist validates all of your parts and gives all of your parts room to speak in session. It also helps for the host/main person to be able to be co-conscious with those conversations, but it is also part of therapy if your system doesn't allow for that yet. Your T should be able to help you work on that - one small, manageable, and measurable therapeutic task at a time.

When there are other comorbidities involved, such as self-injury (SI) or suicidal ideation and attempts (SUI), then a safety plan with your T will help. The safety plan may include a combination of IFS coping and grounding techniques to deal with the dissociation and panic/overwhelm, respectively. However, a safety plan includes the following:

1. When you feel like harming yourself or considering suicide, call a crisis line or, when in distress, call the ER to see if they have room to take you and/or call your local emergency number (in the U.S., it is 9-1-1).

2. Let your T know via voice mail or email (if email is allowed) that you are in crisis and that you would like to schedule a session if possible, in addition to perhaps explaining whether you will call the crisis line and/or go to your nearest ER.

3. If you are able to manage your crisis, you can still do so with the help of a crisis hotline at any time - esp. as you are waiting for your T to arrive.

4. Use any of the coping skills your T has taught you, whether it be to distract, to use some CBT skills, to use some DBT skills, to use art as an expression (art through painting, drawings, sculptures, poetry writing, creative writing, blog writing, and/or music), to find supportive friends or family to speak with, to rest, to self-care like take a shower and/or give yourself a mani-pedi, etc.

5. Write a "reasons to live list" that you and your T have on file. This will be part of your safety plan, in addition to utilizing the coping skills your T has taught you. This is the list you will read whenever you are considering self-harm or suicide. My reasons to live list comprises my T (whom is my favorite person in the whole wide world right now), my daughter (whom I adopted and still have yet to form a relationship, now that she's an adult), my future goals (even though they seem quite unattainable at the moment, due to this ongoing pandemic), my desire to leave behind a good legacy, my desire to be happy about the things I can explore while on earth and living, etc. You can be creative with your reasons to live.

6. Form a safety contract with your T and yourself and your alters - this combines IFS coping along with making a pact with your T, as you are also in relationship with your T, and your T cares about you. The safety contract could include the safety plan, the reasons to live list perhaps positive affirmations, perhaps pacing-and-containing techniques, etc. You are important in this world - and even to us online here. Writing such affirmations down, even if you don't immediately believe them, can help you remain emotionally connected to those who do actually care about you, and to remember that which we sometimes forget when we have tons of pain we're dealing with. You could say that your T encouraged you to live when your T said ____, for instance. The contract is another way for you and your alters to be accountable to one another and with your T.

7. Make an emergency contact list that you can call during certain occasions, such as when you're in need to distract, you can call certain people. When you need to vent or talk about deep stuff, you can call certain safe, validating people only. Having a list with names and numbers for special crises will help you visualize what to do when your emotions are all over the place. You will have your safety contract, your safety plan, your reasons to live list, your affirmations, and your emergency contact lists in one place - perhaps a decorative notebook or framed artwork of some kind - so that you can easily read those things. That routine of reading those things while also using other coping skills that work from CBT or DBT or this tapping thing I hear others using, etc.., might help.

8. Continue processing with your T and with us online here. We're here to help, too, so utilize us here. Share what you feel, but also be proactive by trying to figure out what works best and what doesn't. Sometimes none of the coping skills work, and sometimes the coping skills will only work with certain things. Make a journal about that, too, so that you get to know what works with what circumstances and perhaps with certain alters.

9. Broaden your social network and increase your social capital. Many studies have shown that validating emotional social support in particular helps to protect against traumatic symptoms worsening and/or traumatic sequelae. Social capital also helps us to prevent both self-harm and future victimization from others. We have to choose our social support wisely, but emotional support is more than instrumental (it's more than seeing your T or getting financial or practical help from, say, a caregiver or a family member). Emotional support entails opening up and having a good balance of give-and-take in relationships. Interpersonal effectiveness, assertiveness training, and more will help in these areas of social skills. Increasing your social network will help build on your go-to list for crisis or emergency contacts. You might have a short list now, but you can journal and figure out ways to increase your list in the future. Don't give up on this. It's great that you're online here which is one form of social support. But we're all anonymous (for the most part), and we aren't in real time (we only show up online when we are able or have time, so you might not get an immediate response). You would get more of an immediate response from local friends or those you can call nationally by phone or through Zoom. Video conversations through Zoom or other platforms will help because then you can see at least another human instead of just hearing their voice or reading the words on a computer screen or via text. But it may take you time to get used to using all these tools. Just don't give up on making more friends and building closer relationships. It takes time.

Hope these suggestions help. Hang in there. Tell us how your T is working out.
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Heart Dec 03, 2021 at 11:24 PM
  #656
Quote:
Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer View Post
@SprinkL3 Thanks, I'm okay. Airbnbs aren't as private as an apartment but it forces me to talk to people every so often. It's a 4 bedroom airbnb shared house. It's like getting 4 different roommates every month or two. Some people make me feel comfortable. Some are scary, but I can always hide in my room.
Are you homeless? Homeless also includes those who don't have a permanent residence, such as those living in hotels, motels, friend's couches or spare rooms, and Airbnb's, etc. Many people don't realize that this method of temporary living is considered a form of homelessness. Thus, you might qualify for some benefits as a homeless person.

I was homeless in many different ways in my past. I lived in my car for a while and had to use some public shower somewhere for free when I was waiting on disability to get approved.

I was also homeless when I used to be on Section 8 and had to live in homeless shelters or on friends' couches until the next apartment finally got inspected and approved for me to move in. Thankfully, I was in a better position to leave that program, but it was there when I needed it. If you are in the U.S., you might qualify to get on the Section 8 waiting list. It's not immediate, but it's worth it to get on their list if you are still in the same situation a year or more down the road. Just make sure you keep checking in with them periodically, and you keep your address and phone number current with them.

If you can find a more permanent solution, such as renting a room from a person or family with a house or finding roommates, then you will be able to get out of homelessness by having a more stable living situation.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with all this. That would be anxiety-producing!

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Heart Dec 03, 2021 at 11:29 PM
  #657
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn View Post
I wake up to things that have been done all the time. If I have parts or alters, they never talk to me. I have voices all day long every day, but all of them claim that they don't know anything about these mysterious things being done. By the way, while I was typing this, they were yelling at me. Just now they're arguing with each other.


I am so sorry that you and your system are struggling, @Breaking Dawn

We struggled like that, too. But we have a good T who accepted our angry parts and listened to them. Our T also helped the rest of us to understand how to get along with our angry part and vice versa. The angry part is now more of a protector, though there may be some arguments here and there. It's basically a way that our brain is processing a lot of stressful information from the world, and how triggers can bring about a lot of anxiety and other feelings inside. It's hard to decide which direction to go when we are overwhelmed with triggers and/or potential danger. The different parts are probably just doing their best to protect and handle those triggers and/or dangers, some of which we may not even be aware of, which is why we get confused sometimes.

Internal family systems (IFS) therapy has helped us to work together by talking with one another, journaling with one another, etc.

Have you spoken with your T about ways to cope with all the internal stuff going on? It sounds like you and your alters are in a lot of pain right now.

((((safe hugs)))))

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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 11:12 AM
  #658
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Originally Posted by SprinkL3 View Post
Have you tried grounding techniques to cope with feeling overwhelmed and anxious when too many intrusive thoughts and trauma triggers occur among you and your alters?

Have you also tried internal family systems therapy and coping (aka "IFS")? This is where you learn to communicate with your alters inside and hold meetings with them so that you are cooperating and working together - especially when dealing with triggers and making major life decisions. How we started out was in a trauma treatment facility, where our assigned therapist (who happened to be the director of the program) asked us to write in a journal and have the alters respond back. It was amazing how the alters began responding back! Soon, I became more familiar with their voices and what they looked like in the "inside world." I learned to use art therapy to illustrate parts of my inside world and parts of my alters. I became more and more familiar with who I was and who my alters were. It was scary at first, but we got used to one another. We still have a lot of internal chaos from time to time, but we generally get along now. We're more co-conscious, which means that we don't lose as much time. The trauma treatment facility we attended in the past considered this "managed dissociation," because our dissociation never really goes away. It's a unique disorder where we are pretty much managing our dissociation instead of trying to eradicate it. For some, integration is a goal, but for others, co-consciousness is the ultimate goal. We chose to stick with co-consciousness as an ultimate goal, since there are too many dangers in the world that keep our dissociation and internal identities intact.

What helps is if you have a good therapist who can see you once a week or more, and if the therapist validates all of your parts and gives all of your parts room to speak in session. It also helps for the host/main person to be able to be co-conscious with those conversations, but it is also part of therapy if your system doesn't allow for that yet. Your T should be able to help you work on that - one small, manageable, and measurable therapeutic task at a time.

When there are other comorbidities involved, such as self-injury (SI) or suicidal ideation and attempts (SUI), then a safety plan with your T will help. The safety plan may include a combination of IFS coping and grounding techniques to deal with the dissociation and panic/overwhelm, respectively. However, a safety plan includes the following:

1. When you feel like harming yourself or considering suicide, call a crisis line or, when in distress, call the ER to see if they have room to take you and/or call your local emergency number (in the U.S., it is 9-1-1).

2. Let your T know via voice mail or email (if email is allowed) that you are in crisis and that you would like to schedule a session if possible, in addition to perhaps explaining whether you will call the crisis line and/or go to your nearest ER.

3. If you are able to manage your crisis, you can still do so with the help of a crisis hotline at any time - esp. as you are waiting for your T to arrive.

4. Use any of the coping skills your T has taught you, whether it be to distract, to use some CBT skills, to use some DBT skills, to use art as an expression (art through painting, drawings, sculptures, poetry writing, creative writing, blog writing, and/or music), to find supportive friends or family to speak with, to rest, to self-care like take a shower and/or give yourself a mani-pedi, etc.

5. Write a "reasons to live list" that you and your T have on file. This will be part of your safety plan, in addition to utilizing the coping skills your T has taught you. This is the list you will read whenever you are considering self-harm or suicide. My reasons to live list comprises my T (whom is my favorite person in the whole wide world right now), my daughter (whom I adopted and still have yet to form a relationship, now that she's an adult), my future goals (even though they seem quite unattainable at the moment, due to this ongoing pandemic), my desire to leave behind a good legacy, my desire to be happy about the things I can explore while on earth and living, etc. You can be creative with your reasons to live.

6. Form a safety contract with your T and yourself and your alters - this combines IFS coping along with making a pact with your T, as you are also in relationship with your T, and your T cares about you. The safety contract could include the safety plan, the reasons to live list perhaps positive affirmations, perhaps pacing-and-containing techniques, etc. You are important in this world - and even to us online here. Writing such affirmations down, even if you don't immediately believe them, can help you remain emotionally connected to those who do actually care about you, and to remember that which we sometimes forget when we have tons of pain we're dealing with. You could say that your T encouraged you to live when your T said ____, for instance. The contract is another way for you and your alters to be accountable to one another and with your T.

7. Make an emergency contact list that you can call during certain occasions, such as when you're in need to distract, you can call certain people. When you need to vent or talk about deep stuff, you can call certain safe, validating people only. Having a list with names and numbers for special crises will help you visualize what to do when your emotions are all over the place. You will have your safety contract, your safety plan, your reasons to live list, your affirmations, and your emergency contact lists in one place - perhaps a decorative notebook or framed artwork of some kind - so that you can easily read those things. That routine of reading those things while also using other coping skills that work from CBT or DBT or this tapping thing I hear others using, etc.., might help.

8. Continue processing with your T and with us online here. We're here to help, too, so utilize us here. Share what you feel, but also be proactive by trying to figure out what works best and what doesn't. Sometimes none of the coping skills work, and sometimes the coping skills will only work with certain things. Make a journal about that, too, so that you get to know what works with what circumstances and perhaps with certain alters.

9. Broaden your social network and increase your social capital. Many studies have shown that validating emotional social support in particular helps to protect against traumatic symptoms worsening and/or traumatic sequelae. Social capital also helps us to prevent both self-harm and future victimization from others. We have to choose our social support wisely, but emotional support is more than instrumental (it's more than seeing your T or getting financial or practical help from, say, a caregiver or a family member). Emotional support entails opening up and having a good balance of give-and-take in relationships. Interpersonal effectiveness, assertiveness training, and more will help in these areas of social skills. Increasing your social network will help build on your go-to list for crisis or emergency contacts. You might have a short list now, but you can journal and figure out ways to increase your list in the future. Don't give up on this. It's great that you're online here which is one form of social support. But we're all anonymous (for the most part), and we aren't in real time (we only show up online when we are able or have time, so you might not get an immediate response). You would get more of an immediate response from local friends or those you can call nationally by phone or through Zoom. Video conversations through Zoom or other platforms will help because then you can see at least another human instead of just hearing their voice or reading the words on a computer screen or via text. But it may take you time to get used to using all these tools. Just don't give up on making more friends and building closer relationships. It takes time.

Hope these suggestions help. Hang in there. Tell us how your T is working out.


I tried the reasons to live list, and could not come up with 1 reason
not one
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 11:13 AM
  #659
filling my face with christmas candy.

candy I don't need, but it's their, so..

watched a pretty good christmas show today called christmas in storyland. defenetly a fun one

nothing else
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Default Dec 04, 2021 at 11:58 AM
  #660
I don't have a therapist at this time. I plan to find a good one when covid is gone. My voices & all the outer world difficulties are extremely overwhelming. I am learning new strengths from here & from other parts of my brain. I so very much love & appreciate MSF & all the people that make it possible. It's my very best place these days. Thank you, everyone.

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