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Old 12-04-2021, 12:53 PM   #661
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

@SprinkL3

Thanks for the info! It's a lot so I'm still processing it and will need to reread it a few times. Sorry you had to go through homelessness. It's a lot of hardship. Been there and done that enough. Hopefully I'll a permanent place next year but at least now I have access to things like a bathroom and kitchen. Thank goodness a refrigerator! No frig is horrible. Being 100% homeless and sleeping on benches in cold weather is the worse, though. I only had to do that for about a week. A homeless guy got in my bag and took things like a knife and later on said he was going to kill me. It didn't bother me because the thought of dying was like thinking about getting the best christmas present ever. That's how I still feel.


I'm glad you have an amazing T who cares a lot about you. Thought I had that with my 1st T. She was the best, but when life exploded and I found myself on a high bridge I called her for one last sliver of hope. She was furious on the phone, not caring at all. She yelled at me saying if I didn't go to the car now she's hanging up on me. I almost hung up on her and jumped, but she then said things to make me think she cared and was going to help me. She lied to me on the phone just to get me in a psych ward and then called me the next day in the psych ward to say she's permanently terminating me. Anyway I can't ever trust Ts again!! I tried opening up to my final T. She, I think, finally got frustrated and gave up on me and started giving lot of hints she wasn't able to help me. But she hung in there fear of hurting me knowing how much abandonment from my 1st T killed me. I ended therapy a few months ago.


My last T taught me DBT. Only problem is that if one doesn't want to live then it doesn't seem to work, at least for me. Every week or so my brain seems to change making me very suicidal and often do planning and self harm. The one and only thing that keeps me alive is fear that there's an afterlife. Religion was shoved down my throat in childhood and I was very spiritual most of my adult life. Everyone taught me that suicide leads to either permanent torture in a lake of fire or like 1000s of years in the pit of torture. No amount of rational reasoning can get me to override those beliefs/fears.


Anyway, I left my last T a few months ago. Few months ago I talked to an IFS therapist. She tried to get me to do therapy, but I chickened out. My parts beg me to go. People say nothing but good things about IFS. But I can't. Not sure if I'll ever be ready for therapy again. I'm probably permanently traumatized from 1st T. 2nd T was horrible and rarely spoke. Third T was young and inexperienced and gave up on me and made me feel anger toward her for not caring. DID T was out right scary to me. He would ask me weird scary questions. He was forceful and aggressive, had horrible eye contact always looking at ground or away, talked to other people on the phone or laptop in middle of therapy, sometimes for like 10 minutes straight. Besides that he was a very knowledgeable experienced "clinical neuropsychologist" who seemed to want to help me. I like how every week he would checkup on if I meditated, cooked my own meals, went for walks, etc. Made me feel like he cared.


Well, maybe some people can't be saved. Maybe that's why my last T gave up on me. A few things do help me. PRetending I'm an emotionless robot. Going on 1 to 2 hour long walks every day. Meditation. Cooking. Cleaning. And thinking that ultimately it really doesn't matter. That it's all pointless. Everything is relative. That in all the infinite, I'm nothing and I don't matter. That pain is just a perspective, a point of view, an illusion. That hardship and pain is no worse than wealth and happiness. ...I guess that's Nihilism. I do have a little bit of hope that one day I'll be fixed and see light at the end of the tunnel, actually be happy, lose nihilism. I think one of the worst things that ever happened to me was losing spirituality. That was like the nuke of all nukes.

Oh, and maybe this sounds weird, but for some reason for my entire adult life the only thing I can think & dream about is helping the whole world in a big way. It's kind of a curse though, maybe.
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Old 12-04-2021, 02:27 PM   #662
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Heart Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

@stahrgeyzer - I've answered each section of your reply...

Quote:
Thanks for the info! It's a lot so I'm still processing it and will need to reread it a few times.
Take your time. I write a lot, so I know it is a lot to process in one setting. But if you are in a good place to journal, you could perhaps get creative and write lists down based off of what I shared. You know yourself best and what works for you and what doesn't, so take what works and chuck the rest. You can always revisit and read the post again if you need more ideas, or ask questions here.

Quote:
Sorry you had to go through homelessness. It's a lot of hardship. Been there and done that enough. Hopefully I'll a permanent place next year but at least now I have access to things like a bathroom and kitchen. Thank goodness a refrigerator! No frig is horrible. Being 100% homeless and sleeping on benches in cold weather is the worse, though. I only had to do that for about a week. A homeless guy got in my bag and took things like a knife and later on said he was going to kill me. It didn't bother me because the thought of dying was like thinking about getting the best christmas present ever. That's how I still feel.
I'm so sorry you are currently struggling with homelessness. I figured as much from your posts and descriptions. It's one of the most depressing places to be - even if you have some shelter. Homelessness is traumatic in and of itself. It encompasses traumatic loss, traumatic grief, increased safety concerns (even if you feel suicidal or self-harm), traumatic identity shifts, traumatic lifestyle changes (adjustment problems), and increased anxiety. All of that is enough to wear someone thin.

Being exposed to danger and then having the negative thoughts within reinforced is not a good cycle at all for recovery. I once was a psych major and student affiliate of the APA in the U.S. There is a psychologist who is also a painter, and he spent time in California's Skid Row homeless area to interview some of the homeless there while also painting them. He published a book. I'll need to find it and share it sometime. It's interesting because there's diversity among homeless persons. One used to work for the government as the scientist/doctor who assisted with capital punishment. He couldn't handle the stress of that job (perhaps guilt, trauma of being an active participant in ending human lives - albeit per the law), so he decided to become homeless (not because he didn't have money, but rather because that is what he thought he deserved). He died before the book was published. It's a sad life to live.

Please, whatever you do, please seek safe friends, safe social networks, good therapy, etc. It's sad how there's few therapists who will reach out pro-bono (if legal) to the homeless, who often lack health insurance, money to pay copays, and/or identification. Please also take advantage of applying for any government aid or assistance while also seeking rehabilitation, if you are a high-functioning person with mental illness. If you aren't able to rehabilitate back into work, then do what you can to get on a program so that you have a more stable living situation. That's what I did. It took a while, but I was able to do it. It's not easy though.

Quote:
I'm glad you have an amazing T who cares a lot about you. Thought I had that with my 1st T. She was the best, but when life exploded and I found myself on a high bridge I called her for one last sliver of hope. She was furious on the phone, not caring at all. She yelled at me saying if I didn't go to the car now she's hanging up on me. I almost hung up on her and jumped, but she then said things to make me think she cared and was going to help me. She lied to me on the phone just to get me in a psych ward and then called me the next day in the psych ward to say she's permanently terminating me. Anyway I can't ever trust Ts again!! I tried opening up to my final T. She, I think, finally got frustrated and gave up on me and started giving lot of hints she wasn't able to help me. But she hung in there fear of hurting me knowing how much abandonment from my 1st T killed me. I ended therapy a few months ago.
I'm so sorry you struggled with T's. I'm not sure what the legalities are concerning T's and their clients with suicidal ideation and attempts, but it seems rather unethical for a T to just abandon you like that. It seems like maybe the T has some unresolved issues of her own to abruptly end therapy like that. If she was in fact incompetent to handle your case, and/or if she felt like her malpractice insurance fees would increase or something (which might be an issue, I don't know, but I'm guessing), then there should at least be some alternative care in place so that she doesn't just abruptly end treatment with you. She could have had one final session with you while introducing you to a new T who could take over, or she could have done something different so that she was more ethical. People seek therapy when they are struggling with suicidal thoughts and attempts, but it's sad when therapy rejects such cases if they don't follow the rules enough, etc. People in society are told to seek therapy when they are feeling suicidal, but what they don't understand is that therapy often rejects them and only the authorities are called for a psych hold, which feels like a punitive lockdown instead of actual therapy that can treat suicidal tendencies. The system lacks care in this area and makes psychologists more prone to reject such clients. It's sad.

But don't give up on therapy. There is a good therapist out there who will treat you. It's a matter of being persistent. I found mine by mere luck.

Quote:
My last T taught me DBT. Only problem is that if one doesn't want to live then it doesn't seem to work, at least for me. Every week or so my brain seems to change making me very suicidal and often do planning and self harm. The one and only thing that keeps me alive is fear that there's an afterlife. Religion was shoved down my throat in childhood and I was very spiritual most of my adult life. Everyone taught me that suicide leads to either permanent torture in a lake of fire or like 1000s of years in the pit of torture. No amount of rational reasoning can get me to override those beliefs/fears.
I/we struggle with those very same things concerning religion being shoved down our throats and being used as a caution, warning, judgment, as opposed to a beneficial solution, comfort, community-based cohesion, and form of social support. It's sad when religion gets misused in that way, and even more tragic when spiritual abuse and/or ritual abuse become part of a person's past trauma history. I'm so sorry you went through that, too.

Your reasons to live list - if you decide to create one - should not include something that makes you feel obligated. Although it would comfort the living who would rather see you alive, the point of you healing for you is for you to feel safe and comfortable within your own skin and within this life. It is very painful and difficult at times, so I am now validating you on the struggles you deal with. But you can do it.

DBT is designed to help people with personality disorders, but it has also been expanded for use among those with PTSD, CPTSD, and military traumas. Not everyone can follow DBT in its entirety, however. If you struggle with brain fog, the acronyms will just mesh together and be too much. Also, if you don't struggle with a personality disorder, then some of the stuff mentioned in such treatments may seem like "common sense" items - or things that just don't seem to jive with what your needs are. It's really designed to help you regulate your emotions for yourself and with others. But it's not for everyone. I explained to my T how it really didn't work well for me. And the groups offered would sometimes exacerbate trauma-related disorders when there are deviant members in the group who become violent or dangerous (which was my experience), so I was able to leave such groups entirely and focus on CBT for trauma only. CBT helped me better than DBT. That might be the case for you in terms of you struggling with suicidal ideation and attempts. You can always ask a therapist to work with CBT instead of DBT and see how that goes for you.

Quote:
Anyway, I left my last T a few months ago. Few months ago I talked to an IFS therapist. She tried to get me to do therapy, but I chickened out. My parts beg me to go. People say nothing but good things about IFS. But I can't. Not sure if I'll ever be ready for therapy again. I'm probably permanently traumatized from 1st T. 2nd T was horrible and rarely spoke. Third T was young and inexperienced and gave up on me and made me feel anger toward her for not caring. DID T was out right scary to me. He would ask me weird scary questions. He was forceful and aggressive, had horrible eye contact always looking at ground or away, talked to other people on the phone or laptop in middle of therapy, sometimes for like 10 minutes straight. Besides that he was a very knowledgeable experienced "clinical neuropsychologist" who seemed to want to help me. I like how every week he would checkup on if I meditated, cooked my own meals, went for walks, etc. Made me feel like he cared.
Yeah, that T doesn't sound like a good, safe T for you, and he is certainly not a good fit for what you need in therapy. You do need a T who specializes in both dissociation and trauma, which is challenging to find these days - but not impossible. You can prescreen them via an initial phone conversation when you mention that you need specific treatments for dissociation, and that you also have had bad and traumatic experiences recently (not just in childhood) and that you have also had triggering therapy experiences as well. A good T will sound comforting and validating; a not-so-good T will sound judgmental with questions that seem more like gaslighting or interrogations. You'll get a good sense after interviewing some T's on the phone. You don't have to make a commitment to seeing them, but get used to calling them and being empowered to interview them. After all, you are hiring them to fulfill a service; you are a consumer - the patient, the client, and you have rights. Feel empowered by doing so, which will help you and your parts/alters feel safer in approaching therapy again, eventually. You might even have jokester parts who can laugh after completing an interview with a therapist. We did that a lot before finally agreeing to see a therapist. It was our way of saving money from copays on one- or two-time visits before ending or ghosting the therapists.

Quote:
Well, maybe some people can't be saved. Maybe that's why my last T gave up on me.
Your last T gave up on you because your last T was incompetent and bordering on unethical when abandoning you. That should never be a reflection of who you are or your self-worth. It's not that you need saving or rescue, though that is sometimes what us trauma survivors crave sometimes. But it is that you need validating, comforting, caring support that will help you heal, grow, mature, and find meaning and purpose in this life again - when so much has been stripped from you in the past. (((safe hugs))) hang in there!

Quote:
A few things do help me. Pretending I'm an emotionless robot. Going on 1 to 2 hour long walks every day. Meditation. Cooking. Cleaning. And thinking that ultimately it really doesn't matter. That it's all pointless. Everything is relative. That in all the infinite, I'm nothing and I don't matter. That pain is just a perspective, a point of view, an illusion. That hardship and pain is no worse than wealth and happiness. ...I guess that's Nihilism. I do have a little bit of hope that one day I'll be fixed and see light at the end of the tunnel, actually be happy, lose nihilism. I think one of the worst things that ever happened to me was losing spirituality. That was like the nuke of all nukes.
It sounds like you struggle with ambivalence, a lot of painful emotional storms in the midst of surviving, and pain amid hopeful feelings. That's all part of the subtle nuances of grief - grief from how we feel when juxtaposed to the hope we really crave and desire (even though we're afraid to feel hope). My T reminds us that it's okay to feel negative emotions and feelings, and that it's okay to process that in therapy or even by ourselves and with the help of our parts. My T says that we weren't allowed to feel or express emotions as children, so it makes sense that we feel this struggle now - with the adult selves and the littles still being littles and handling all that pain inside.

Hold onto the hope. It sounds like you are off to a good start with coping skills by distracting and using some mindfulness meditation on walks, etc. Keep doing that, even though you may not be able to feel pleasure from such things. What I don't think most professionals get about traumatic sequelae is that it numbs us and almost gives us anhedonia - the inability to feel pleasure, which is possibly why there are treatment-resistant trauma client as well as treatment-resistant depression clients. It's hard to treat something that includes components of pleasure (such a with CBT or otherwise) when you have no pleasure feelings at all, or when you do feel slight pleasure but are afraid and otherwise conditioned to not feel them. It's a matter of helping you to feel those things again, and sometimes it begins by allowing yourself to feel the negative emotions that surface along with the pleasure emotions. Eventually, the pleasure emotions will become stronger, but it takes time to deal with the coexisting dialectical nature of trauma. You can do it, but you have to keep working at it. It's like training a muscle, only you are training your brain. That's what coping skills do - is help you with that. So, when you are able to process traumas with your T, you will know how to cope with the feelings better - you and your alters/parts inside.

Quote:
Oh, and maybe this sounds weird, but for some reason for my entire adult life the only thing I can think & dream about is helping the whole world in a big way. It's kind of a curse though, maybe.
I think that is an awesome dream, and maybe that is your PURPOSE in life! You can do many things to help out the world. If you're good at science, for instance, you can help out the world by doing research and finding either pathways, etiologies, or treatments/cures. If you are good with helping others, despite your struggles with helping yourself, a career in psychology might be another option. If you are good at organizing, artwork, numbers, math, etc., you can help the world in many ways based on your (a) skill set and (b) passion. Don't give up hope on that, and don't consider that a "curse." It's a desire and dream of yours, and that is important to hold onto. The fact that you have a dream means that you can find pleasure again in some meaningful way, even if it is a struggle to feel pleasure.

Don't give up. I hear you, and I'm sure there are many others who will hear you and help you, too! We all need support and cheerleaders in our lives to help us achieve our own personalized goals - whether it be to heal emotionally, lose weight, get trained for a new career, or just live life.

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Old 12-04-2021, 02:31 PM   #663
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Heart Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Quote:
Originally Posted by raging vortex View Post
I tried the reasons to live list, and could not come up with 1 reason
not one
@raging vortex

We felt the same way when we first started this with our T.

It was challenging to find reasons to live, and sometimes we'd feel compelled at times to cross off some of the reasons. But we were open and honest with our T about those feelings. She helped us by reminding us how much life we had left, how much strength she saw in us, and how our goals that were lost in the past were still achievable, but perhaps in different ways now due to our newfound limitations. But it take starting somewhere. The fact that you acknowledge that you struggle with finding one item for that list is something you can bring up in therapy. It's something you can work on as a start.

Please don't give up. Please hang in there.

You have purpose in life, but it's a journey to find it. And sometimes we have to find our purpose over and over again, depending on life circumstances. And that's okay, too.

Each of your parts inside have a purpose in life.
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Old 12-04-2021, 02:33 PM   #664
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Heart Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Quote:
Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn View Post
I don't have a therapist at this time. I plan to find a good one when covid is gone. My voices & all the outer world difficulties are extremely overwhelming. I am learning new strengths from here & from other parts of my brain. I so very much love & appreciate MSF & all the people that make it possible. It's my very best place these days. Thank you, everyone.
We're glad you are learning new strengths, @Breaking Dawn

Sometimes finding a therapist is a journey, and it takes time to do so. I'm glad you are able to find support on MSF and through your strengths.

Hang in there.
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Old Yesterday, 11:38 AM   #665
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I think we dissociated yesterday. I certainly can only remember bits and pieces. I'm okay though.
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Old Yesterday, 08:15 PM   #666
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I'm feeling very nervous and anxious lately and have that desire to run away from society. My siblings are acting very strange lately. It's to the point where my heart goes racing throughout the day so I have this feeling I'll end up in the forest within a few months. Only sad part is I don't know who to give Sally away to. She's my only friend, a lucky bamboo plant.
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Old Today, 05:39 AM   #667
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

@stahrgeyzer, is Sally happy where she is?
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Old Today, 12:49 PM   #668
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Breaking Dawn, not sure but a few of her leaves have been dying the past few months. Plants are sensitive so maybe she's not happy lately.


If I have to go to the forest I could give her to my cousin nearby.
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Old Today, 12:53 PM   #669
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

Yesterday I was getting a lot of those very deep "knowing" feelings that I'm trapped in some creatures simulation type of a reality being probed and studied. Words could never put it in words. It makes me feel like nobody is real in outer and inner world.
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Old Today, 01:17 PM   #670
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Default Re: dissociative disorders check in thread #4

I've had feelings like that lots of times throughout my life.
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