[Breaking Dawn]

Hi! I am Breaking Dawn. I may or may not be who I think I am, at least some of the time, periodically, but I think I'm usually me most of the time. I can't really know anything, because in spite of my education, "they" keep changing their minds. But what is a mind actually in the first place? "They" are using their (so called) minds to determine how good our minds are. Very frustrating.

[stahrgeyzer]

We have to move to another airbnb today and Paul has been struggling and feeling depressed even some SI but then light a lightning bolt we have a sudden personality change so no worries because we are feeling so good energized happy and ready for the next adventure no matter what it is.

Wishing everyone the best. Remember all of us are always together and separation is illusion of Maya the reality we exist in. Our thoughts are one and are together at the subtle finer realities, always. I am

[stahrgeyzer]

We don't know who we are now. It's not fair! Much anxiety.

[Breaking Dawn]

Today has been a nightmare so far, as many days are. One or two voices (two at a time sometimes) has/have made my life an extremely painful existence. I need to get to the store today. I'm running out of all my essentials. I keep crying off & on. I have faith & hope each day & keep wishing for things to start being better again. CBT can't work sometimes. Pure endurance is all I have in my corner right now.

[lemonSys]

Whew.

Whirlwind of what seems like eons.
[ so much ickies comin up ]

First night in awhile I can stay focused enough to read and post.


TY all for being here/hear.
I’m reading you, too.


— lemonSys

[stahrgeyzer]

@Breaking Dawn Hang in there & stay strong!

@lemonSys here you there. It's like a roller coaster.

We got to sleep around 3:30am got up at a few hours later so this body doesn't seen to need sleep lately. This morning was difficult but then I switched here and was feeling like a million dollars as they say even though I feel horrible inside that so many people are suffering at the same time. We went for a very long walk here. It's in the mountainy area with lots of trails and wilderness so Paul will be so very happy about that. Most of us avoid humans like the plague which I just really do not understand. I had a good chat with a dad and his children on the walk back. He was in the driveway so.... Oh boy, sigh. It's sad feeling what seems like a city of alters deep in inner world suffering. What can we do??? I feel like running a marathon and socializing and working so hard to help the world but there is so much pain in the world. We have each other though.

Thank you @lemonSys for suggesting I put ice on the back of neck. I feel like it worked much better than just holding the ice.

[stahrgeyzer]

I/we are so tired of feeling not part of humanity there are no words to describe it. We can hardly wait to find our family. On this entire planet there must be at least a dozen people like us.

[Breaking Dawn]

In this thread, & thank God for of it, I feel less strange. Thank you so much for this place to be.

[lemonSys]

@Breaking Dawn and all thread folks —



glad y’all here/hear, too

[Breaking Dawn]

Thank you.

[lemonSys]

Last time we see Tdoc…big ickies shared

many confused and say
“ [… ? … ] “
And breath 2 fast

Some stare down n glare n warn

Insides of all types and me scared n nervous 2 see her 2day

[stahrgeyzer]

I just want to hide. Before me there was someone in the body who was self harming. He or she didn't want to be here. Maybe they don't know how to move the body but I have memories of them make so many mistakes like knocking over a drink. I have many other weird memories long ago. After we ended therapy last year we went on our usual daily walk. This short woman about 4.5 ft came walking fast from our left. When she got in front of us she just stopped, 1 foot. She looked so nervous. She was just kinda looking down at the ground. She didn't strike us as our therapist but she looked so similar. We thought it was rude and strange of her. She just stood there frozen but we walk around her and didn't look back. We wonder if we were hallucinating. She looked so real. I bet if we took a photo of her it would show up in the camera.

Earlier today someone went for a walk in the cold windy weather with a lot of pain. They kept thinking pain is good to be prepared for the big storms. I'm so confused! I don't remember who I am except I know my personality and that I'm a female in inner world. I feel new to this world..................................and feel like screaming for help!

[Breaking Dawn]

My voices/alters? are physically hurting me again. Aspirin & tylenol (extra strength) are not helping. One of them keeps saying he doesn't care if I suffer. One of them claims he can feel the pain sometimes but can't do anything about it. The two main ones are sort of friends & take turns causing the muscle & nerve damage. Ironically, the younger of those two sometimes scolds the older one, but then joins in again. I hope someday I can find a doctor who knows how to block the pain from registering, like a drug that puts a blocker in the receptors? Hopefully a drug that blocks the voices entirely. I cry a lot, wishing & hoping for my freedom. I remember my freedom & all the things I loved, like reading wonderful books & plays, & enjoying movies, & birding, & having my thinking room up there in my mind private.

[Doffy]

I am new to this thread. I think that my posts still need manual approval

My homework from 2 clinics is difficult

Trying to decipher what comes first out of fear, voices and dissociation

Does fear trigger the chain reaction, or is dissociation first, or voices?

Does that make sense?

Part of the problem that I am having is that by nature, dissociative experiences impede memory. So by the time I am conscious of it it's just murky

[Breaking Dawn]

Hi, @Doffy! Welcome to our check-in thread. I'm so glad you're joining us. I think the dissociation acts like a buffer, or a shield from harmful & scary things. But I don't remember what I thought & felt while completely dissociated. It always seems like it was someone else that left evidence behind that I'm finding. Like finding I've been in the kitchen & ate something.

[stahrgeyzer]

Welcome to MSF, @Doffy!

Our system dissociates from too much pain or trauma. We trigger easily when suffering.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Welcome to MSF, @Doffy!

Our system dissociates from too much pain or trauma. We trigger easily when suffering.

Hi, @stahrgeyzer! Does "our system" mean all of us?, or just your system? I guess I have my system, too.

[stahrgeyzer]

Yes everyone has their own system. Paul was just referring to our system, not anyone else's system.

[Breaking Dawn]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Yes everyone has their own system. Paul was just referring to our system, not anyone else's system.

Thank you, @stahrgeyzer. God bless you.

Today was much calmer than yesterday. It was difficult but so much better than the extremely painful, terrifying experience of yesterday! I kept pleading toward God, but I realized that worse things were happening elsewhere. Nevertheless, extremely sad & full of painful fear, etc.