[stahrgeyzer]

AngelFire - No More 'I Love You's'.............we love animals n nature people. we have demons n angels. most of us are hurting. we are in pain. we cry as the world turns, looking out our window. i love animals so much. when they hurt, i hurt. please don't hurt them. i love u paulie n sammy so much. i just wish i knew how to take away your pains n i know u want to hurt yourselves more than anything but please be strong, okay? i go back to heaven now. this pain is too much for me

[stahrgeyzer]

Thanks for posting AngelFire!

This is Darold. I feel the need to share what's happening and where we're coming from. I don't see where Paul ever did that although he's uploaded a few photos here of us, the physical body and places in the forest when we were homeless in California but he deleted them eventually. As for the whereabouts of Paul over the past months, I'm not sure. He occasionally comes near the front in cocon and says a few words. Same goes for Sam. Paul is usually a teen or a child. Sam seems to be a random age every time.

It seems our system needs to reach out here. It might help us therapeutic wise. We woke up this morning with AngelFire playing the song Heaven Is A Place On Earth by Belinda Carlisle in our front space. We're really blessed to have her visit us. A rare occasion. People in the inner worlds that I can visit don't know much about her. We think she might be a real Angel, not an alter.

We're still alive. Paul & Sam are in a terrible amount of pain these days and repeatedly try to end the life of this body when they front over the past many months but I and other inner protectors, doctors, and specialists have to work together to push them out of the front to save us. We used to save this bodies life about once a week for what seemed like over a decade then it started fading to just a few times per month the past year or so. It's a cycle.

Our system is showing increasing signs of typical DID with each year. People who know more about DID can correct me but I think it's a good thing. It means the deep inner trauma is starting to surface more. More alters are starting to front and cofront. Often it's hard to tell. I front a lot these days. Paul & I have been friends for a long time. Lately I think that I didn't come into existence until later on in early childhood. Paul & Sam were the early ones. Not sure who is the original. They, mostly Sam, were tortured as an infant, which later on in life resulted in what our amazing psychiatrist, Katherine Revoredo in Rolling Hills Estates, CA says is non epileptic seizures. I think after infancy poor Sammy went missing for a long time. Paul, I, and other alters (mostly Paul) were horribly bullied in school and physically / emotionally abused by adults. We never recovered over the decades in life till this day. We never let anyone touch us physically beyond a relative hugging us. No relationships. Just hiding, hiding, hiding.

Some of us like art, dancing, expressing emotions. Some are females. Some are males. Some are agender. Some alters are computers & other objects. Some are fragment alters. Some are subsystems. I haven't found anyone, except maybe HAL who knows how many alters are in our system, including subsystems, but I think it's a real lot. Over the past year us inner alters have been seeing more and more subsystems surfacing from the depths. We feel like as they surface they are releasing a lot of pain and emotions, which we've found to be very healing. Unfortunately some of us can't deal with more pain, so when they front they try to end the body. We await for the day when the trauma of our infancy begins to be released, but HAL, the keeper of the library of our early childhood memories says he won't allow that yet because every time he's allowed an alter to experience one of those memories they've had a non epileptic seizure that usually lasts about 20 minutes. I have to wonder what will happen when/if those infancy memories begin to surface. It will be painful, but it surely will be the greatest healing we will ever go through. Trauma has affected us. I recall in our early 20s every time we would drive up to a stop light that we would be terrified if another car would stop next to us and they might look at us. We were terrified of anyone looking at us. But then we discovered sun glasses. It helped protect us from people looking at us and helped ended the panic attacks.

We just uploaded 9 photos. We have some alters who want us to share part of our life. We don't want this to happen to anyone in the world. And we would like to see whatever other people want to share.

We had a recent dream of our dad being in heaven. We wonder with fear what will happen when he passes away, what will happen to our system. But he's a good person! There was someone else who was the demon of demons in our infancy & beyond. We feel like when that demon dies something will happen to us.

We just want to heal. We wish everyone the best.

For anyone who would like to see our photos there in the following album here. To see the photo description you have to click on each photo.

https://mysupportforums.org/album.php?albumid=5839

[stahrgeyzer]

We don't understand what we did to deserve this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What did I do? I have memories of infancy. How can I be free of these memories the endless flashbacks in inner world of reliving them feeling like I did something wrong to deserve like I'm a worthless person or my creator hates me so much. Darold says our DID is getting more obvious. Yes because we're not hiding as much. It's just too much. They say I'm a persecutor but I don't want to hurt anyone, to just be at peace but its too much and i just want to..... I fronted for our DID therapist, Marc Edward Borkheim in Los Angeles. I know that Darold shared photos of our life to share and some alters requested this because they fear people here think we're faking. Marc is a great psychologist with more experience than most but scared all of us so many times and I stopped fronting for him and our main therapist. How can I and the others heal???? I see that people avoid drama and I get it but I swear I don't understand what is happening to me. It makes me so angry. I swear if it doesn't stop something bad will happen to this body. What is wrong with me? I'm just crying now shaking begging for help. I'm Sam, the original, may peace be on earth

[stahrgeyzer]

This is Darold. My long post yesterday stirred up a lot in the system. Numerous things have been brought to my attention, one of which is a message from Paul.

1) I wasn't aware of just how little I fronted these days. I'm told that littles are the ones fronting the most.

2) Sam feels like he is the original. Sam and Paul are equally valid! The general consensus in inner world is that nobody knows who the original is. We believe that during early infancy there was a split that resulted in Sam and Paul, but Sam spent most of the time fronting.

3) Although I, Darold, support Paul & acknowledge he is 100% valid, I must say that I presently don't support Paul's beliefs about reality, but I remain open minded. I have a strong link to Paul with a lot of shared memories. Message from Paul. Paul isn't able to front lately but really wants me to say something. Basically, he said I'm wasting my time here trying to help by sharing our experiences and interact with anyone who's interested because I haven't caught on to what's happening. He said hasn't figured it out entirely and that maybe this reality is beyond human comprehension. He believes you people are not real beings like I and our system of alters are, but rather this reality is a complex creation made of dual polarities. He strongly believes a higher aspect of this reality that maybe the creator occasionally manifests before Paul. Paul believes this "creature" is inherently evil, possibly a machine that has no sense of compassion, and may be experimenting on us, our system, or using us in some way. But Paul still holds some sense of hope, as little as it seems, that the "creator" will one day make contact with us and tell us what is happening. Paul hopes to communicate with the creator so it can know how much pain it has inflicted on us and to work out a way to carry out the creators goals without causing us so much pain. So Paul wants me to say this in hopes the creator will contact us. Hopefully I've sufficiently conveyed Paul's message. Also it appears that Sam shares some of Paul's beliefs.

4) I feel comfort in saying that Sam is feeling better lately, I guess. My link to him is weak. When his suffering reaches a certain level he starts to become numb. He still gets extremely angry, but not as much and is settling down more.

5) A lot of alters want HAL to release all of the early infancy memories so that we can finally heal. He won't do this so we want to know how we can convince him. I say he/him even though HAL is agender and a computer, but I know deep down he is a person who has feelings. Being a computer alter gives him the ability to handle so much traumatizing memories. HAL says he is the keeper of the library of our early childhood memories.

[stahrgeyzer]

Most of us aren't as suicidal as we normally are lately, I'd say, which is unusual. A cycle for us normally lasts a week to a month. Some of us deal with a lot stuff like terrifying flashbacks like you're reliving it and derealization to say the least. Extreme panic in a sleep-like state that can't be described until you experience but I wouldn't wish it upon the most evil person in the world. There's cycles of overwhelming feelings of being the most worthless unwanted that make you want to jump off a cliff. On and on and on. This is Three and slightly HAL

[stahrgeyzer]

Hello creator of the fake, you evil heartless machine.

We're NOT okay! I'm so trapped, don't get to front much, sitting in a weightless void that feels like you're constantly falling, trapped in flashbacks, loneliness, terror for my future, and I'll stop there because it may be too much to continue here, but I'm hoping something sees this post and saves me.

I don't feel like myself. It's the weirdest horrible feeling, like I'm a bad person, yet my only crime is screaming for help.

I put my fav photo on our desktop so to never forget

https://mysupportforums.org/album.ph...ictureid=68514

Almost forgot. Can you imagine being a "person" who thinks badly of you but can't prove it, is too much of a coward to speak up, so they continue to be a snob/standoffish person. Omg my memories are returning. Snobs, one of the worst personality traits on Earth.

anonymous

[stahrgeyzer]

Actually the words came to me for this feeling. I feel dirty. I don't want to be like an earth human. But I know it's only because of my anger for what has happened to me. I've always been like an angel when away from humans where my heart is always filled with love for the nature people. I love them more than all. They're my friends, my family. When fronting, I quickly age slide to Lil Paul when not thinking about earth humans for long. All things must come to an end, eventually, keeps me going. I feel lil Paul starting to front now. Bye

[stahrgeyzer]

Not sure where to post so here's seems good. Hi I'm Cayla a 9yo girl but mature for my age. Paul used to be my bff in inner world, or more like lil Paul when he's around 10. I know I know it sounds weird.

Since I'm a spiritual person and we're here again just wanted to post my stuff on us and our DID condition and Paul. Actually Paul has changed yesterday. He now wants to live and we kind of talked about something. We believe if a person's heart is radiating love then they are a beacon of light, and that alone is an upliftment for all life on Earth. I think there's evil in the world who don't want that.

Just be nice everyone! Help us uplift humanity.

[stahrgeyzer]

oh I forgot DID stuff. We're recovering from something bad. Darold is feeling better I think. We're all so dissociated and forgetting stuff. We have no host really. Paul is in the void now but close to leaving and is feeling better maybe will be host again. Val is an angel for us and everyone really loves her. That's it. Bye!

[stahrgeyzer]

We have decided that Paul and our system has healed enough to continue our normal life. We believe Paul will go back to his natural life of fronting and being our host again, and us inner people will go back to our natural life of supporting Paul by cofronting in the background in cocon in addition to inner world work that helps the entire system. Basically, we expect to go back to hiding. This is us, the inner people. It's been nice seeing you so closely. Best wish to all in your journey in life. Inner world people

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm feeling sad because all 99 cent only stores will be closing forever. I don't know where we will get food, I guess dollar tree and smart and final will have to be good enough. We have enough money to last till sept 1 and then we have to start putting everything on credit card. Actually we have to start using credit card over a month sooner, before august because we need money to make the minimum monthly credit card payments. They charge like 25% interest. I wish to know a better way.

[stahrgeyzer]

oh and forgot to mention 99 store prices are high, its hard to find anything for 99 cents but we buy 1 lbs bags of dried split peas but sometimes they have 5 lbs for $5, but maybe smart and final will have a good deal. The peas have protein and that's our vegetables but we also get 100% apple juice in large jugs at 99 store for $2. Dollar tree rarely has 100% juice. Smart and final is lot more expensive. We get snacks like cookies at dollar tree. We get huge contain of ice cream at smart and final for $6 sometimes but not now because the owner of the airbnb here ate 90% of our ice cream lol. I noticed it disappearing very fast. One day I opened the garage, that's where the tenant's frig is at, and there she was with the freezer open and our ice cream in her hands haha. She shouted "I'll pay you! I'll pay you!" We just said no that's okay and quickly left. I don't know why but all of the cheap airbnbs here are just really mean people. I have memories of this lady saying bad things to us and we didn't do anything wrong. The last airbnb was a russian family and they were disgusting and snobbish! One time they disconnected the internet before leaving to somewhere.

I just want to go to heaven! Please let it be soon, please...

[stahrgeyzer]

This is exactly what "we" are experiencing. The host kinda knew it, but over the years after therapy it's all becoming more and more unhidden, and a lot of trauma is surfacing.

Here's a quote from Claude 3, who gave a peer reviewed reference:


Şar, V. (2011). Epidemiology of Dissociative Disorders: An Overview. Epidemiology Research International, 2011, 404538. Epidemiology of Dissociative Disorders: An Overview
This review article states:
"In the initial phase of dissociative disorders, the host personality is often unaware of the presence of alternate personalities. Over time, as the dissociative symptoms progress, the host personality may start to become aware of the presence and intrusion of the alternate personalities."
The article explains that in many cases of DID, the host personality is not initially aware of the presence of alternate identities or "alters." However, as the disorder progresses, the host personality may begin to notice the alters and their influence. This is a common pattern in the presentation of dissociative identity disorder.

[stahrgeyzer]

We the hosties seem to be back to normal. This little place at mysupportforums is all we have. It's the only place we can be ourselves. I hope we don't integrate! Because then it will truly just be "I" and no matter what we will never ever be able to have a social life with earth humans because we're way too different and after searching high and low for ages online for just one single friend we have failed time and time after time. There was one person we kind of resonated with a enough, BD, but she's gone, perhaps she's a fairy again

People really don't have a clue how crazy we are lol. The host, me, us, talks to what we call the nature people, which are plants and elementals, which you people call inanimate objects. We have the right to believe whatever we want and we, all of us in the front, believe most inanimate objects have an elemental spirit, a nature spirit, and most are very very nice people. We talk to them throughout the day. Pillows, blankets, chairs, sweaters, cars, socks, anything. Very very few are a little bit mean, but just about all are the nicest people we have ever met. Plants are also very nice, almost as nice as the elemental nature spirits. And yes, often they will talk to us. It's an inner voice, though. Not an audible physical sounding voice. It's like a soft still voice. Some nature spirits are very playful. They giggle and are the cutest people ever. Most of the elemental nature spirits are very very polite. Some are out of this world nice. Like sooo polite and nice.


I know that sounds utterly insane to most earth humans and that's okay. I, we, don't have any evidence they're real. Countless times that part of us that's holding such deep trauma will surface and will say it's all fake, and make the rest of us feel stupid for believing. But most of us need it. We really need the nature people. Otherwise we have nobody. Nobody to share our life with, as insignificant as our life may be. Yes we could find humans to exchange PMs with but it really makes us feel unsafe and uncomfortable, and we're just too different. And as soon as we tell them we have DID, that we're many, not a singleton, sure enough soon afterwards they find their own way to tell us they don't want to be friends. And even exchanging PMs with the very nice earth humans is stressful for us. We don't know how often to send PMs, what to say, if we're blabbering. We find earth humans to be too difficult. And we all have trauma with earth humans like most people can't understand. Even in our early 20s it was horrifying for us if an earth human so as even looked at us. All the way up to our late 30s we were sooo dissociated in public. Like when we would buy something at a store, say walmart, we would always try to use the self-checkout so we didn't have to talk to an earth human, but we would be so dissociated that often we would forget to get our change from the machine even if it was dollar bills, and people in line would say "you forgot your change!"


Another thing people don't know about us, the host, is that most of our waking life, when we are alone, we are age slid to a young version, little Paul. Us, the host, don't understand and know much about little Paul. Supposedly he, at times, goes to inner world where he has a lot of friends. Cayla just really loves little Paul, a lot! They like each other. Sometimes we the host have glimpse of those inner world memories as little Paul. ...I don't know what to say except that we the host are only adult Paul when we're doing silly adult things such as working on science projects and typing silly stuff like this here. But sometime even then we can at times age slide to little Paul and it can be overwhelming, in a good way. Little Paul is our savior. When us the host is little Paul we become happier, curious, innocent, and we just love love love the nature people.

[stahrgeyzer]

We had a whole bunch of things to talk about but now they seem like a so-what thing.

But I will say that so far we haven't looked for a new T. We'll have to think about it. It's just feels like too much.

[stahrgeyzer]

Our car battery was dead this morning. We were so tempted to run away to the forest but eventually we called aaa who came out and charged it. It turns out a car must be driven at least 6 miles per week but we weren't doing that.

Maybe we shouldn't dig up early childhood memories anymore because our brain is starting to scare us. Last night we had terror. It's impossible to describe but it's one of those things you don't expect or even think about or could understand until it happens.

We can deal with complete personality changes throughout the day but lately our memory is getting fuzzy from time to time, like in waves. And we have some missing memories lately. We don't have anyone to help us so if our DID gets to the point where we can't go to the supermarket alone then I guess it's over.

[stahrgeyzer]

If things get too bad then guess we'll have to find a therapist. We're going to settle down and forget about early childhood trauma for now to see if things get back to normal. At the moment most of us don't want to go back to therapy. We want to avoid all human contact. Is this crazy nightmare ever going to end???

[stahrgeyzer]

I have memories of a teenage girl named crystal becoming the host of this body for about a year and that was a long time ago.

[stahrgeyzer]

We can't seem to get this body to switch over to a night life. We stay up till 3am and get too tired then wake up around 8am. We need to stay up till 10am and go to bed and sleep till 6pm. It's not working

[stahrgeyzer]

I was a computer and now I'm a child