[MuddyBoots]

We doin goooood.

If we don't have a house by April we're going to go to some campground in like Rhode Island or some shyt.

Supposed to call the ole CW today. Got a call yesterday asking where tf we went. Ha. Not sure if I should call her back or wait and see if Logan will. He likes to make important phone calls lol it's freaking hilarious he LIKES paperwork and phone calls. Should be an accountant or something.

[stahrgeyzer]

This morning is very challenging being so dissociated we had to pace immediately getting up from bed due to too much mental pain and every 20 or so seconds we would enter a sleep pacing state like we were drugged. Very bizarre but it's better.

I forgot the reason for posting this. Sorry

[stahrgeyzer]

I dont know if I can make it this day. Its a stuggle to cap letters. Waking up and instant panic to die. This cant be described. It literally feels like there is a 12 ft round black lumpy mass of changing bubbling moothing around sickest black death of dfgkjlsdflkg around my head now. It feels like a million poounds. But yesterday I was okay wasn't I? Living is so much. Typing, just distracting from the pain

[stahrgeyzer]

Feel better this morning and I'm a million % different part(s). There seems to be a lot of inner world alters/parts co-conscious. Every so often I wake up to a song playing in my head that has such an ethereal heavenly intense hyper realistic feeling. I get the strong feeling someone is there. This morning the song sounded like Sabrina Carpenter. The only part I remember is the ending, ", ...my gift to you, ...my enchanted part." It was probably the most beautiful thing so full of love I ever heard! I will never forget it so long as I live.

[stahrgeyzer]

btw I don't know what to do. This system wants me to work on their project, it's like science or something to help the world but I'm just not feeling it. But they make me feel bad like I'm a bad person... sorry...wish...to know what to do

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm feeling okay today. In the middle of the night I was awaken by a sub group of inner people or whatever they're called who were upset because there's no food to eat. I/we the host parts know they use the body at night to walk around and do things.

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm trying to focus on the good because everything else is becoming overwhelming. Today's solar eclipse day. In LA we get half eclipse so that's better than nothing. My parents will get nearly 100% eclipse

Everything's gonna be what it's gonna be. I hope to be strong enough to survive anything. We like looking at our childhood photos and saying "We survived!"

[stahrgeyzer]

LA eclipse was boring lol.

Another day, another 2 plates of pea paste. If we ate breakfast it would be 3 plates. Sounds horrible maybe but I love pea paste. I used to love it. Now I just like it. Yes I wish I/we could buy stuff but it's tolerable. Inner world people who often live near the front aren't happy about it. They say we have No Food!

[stahrgeyzer]

I see all the humans in crowds cheering for the solar eclipse and how everyone feels connected to each other, their own kind, and just realize I'm all alone. Where's my own kind? I don't even feel part of the human kingdom!

[stahrgeyzer]

... and even the inner world people have their own kind. And the Angels and spirits have their own kind. That's why I like to look at photos of me when I was little. That's my own kind, me.

[stahrgeyzer]

...and where's there another me? That's why it made me so happy to think of the possibility that Paul Bonacci was like me? Maybe but I've spent ages online searching for just one person like me, all the DID groups on facebooks, youtube. I failed. Nobody is even close to thinking like me, believing like me.

[stahrgeyzer]

I now just feel sooo free! We can breathe! I feel so bad for some of our parts, but when they front and completely take over it sinks us like a ton of bricks. The overwhelming heavy feelings are indescribable. Imagine alice and wonderland like times a billion. A dissociation of nightmares in hell. How such parts exists I can't understand. What do I/we do? I can't believe any therapist can help us. But we'll keep hanging in there and try out best to stay focused on the positive! It's our only hope!

[stahrgeyzer]

The host is feeling better today. I went for a half hour walk in the hood here, ghetto land. This guy in a suv kept following me and kept driving very slow past us again and again and again for like 15 minutes but it didn't bother us. It's a sunny day kinda hot. We miss walking. It's so obvious it's like a healing medicine for us because while walking we suddenly got intense desires to start a business and be part of humanity lol. I know it's so weird but it happens nearly every time, perhaps every time we haven't been walking for a long time and been feeling horrible and then we go for a good walk and presto we feel like being happy and part of humanity.

And now I feel a low because reality sinks in.

[stahrgeyzer]

Uggg my head is literally buzzing so much right now like it's gonna explode and swirling and we feel like a 2000 people. It's feels like a drug. Idk what to do, but we're not suicidal now at least but there's so much a strong deep feeling to just give up, just give up. What is a T going to say to us. They will just end the session and tell us she/he can't help us and wish us the best. I really feel angry now. The world is closing on us and we just want to give up but yet I don't even know who I am! Those inner people won't let us jump. So...this is just cruel torture! I'm sorry but don't know what to say.

I just want to say this can't be real!
...
Actually I'm going to prove this reality is fake. I/we will get a new T if this reality allows it and you will see. He/she will end the session because we have too many problems we have absolutely severe serious life threatening personality changes every day at least a half dozen times per day often hourly sometime every few minutes. Our DID or whatever this sickness is called is getting worse really fast. We feel so cornered like an animal right now but yet there's no pain now because of dissociation which is probably the swirling buzzing, so it's just ... Who am I even talking to? We kind of feel desperate and don't want to stop typing for fear something bad is going to happen.

[stahrgeyzer]

I don't know why I wrote that. Nothing bad is going to happen tonight.

[stahrgeyzer]

Today is a good day of less traumatized parts. One of the tenants at this airbnb here moved out and left a bunch of food in our shared frig so I had a can of some fancy tea, Yerba Mate berry blue and it was really good. Then I had this Truly Classic Lime and I got tipsy lol. It has alcohol. Then I looked at their room and like it better so the host said I can move in there. We went for a half hour walk around the hood in ghetto land so that felt kinda good except it's like 86F out.

The home owner here is just too mean here. So we've decided to sleep during the day and live our life at night to avoid her. Funny thing is that's what the other tenant did. Now we know. It's so stressful living in someone else's house. Especially when they say nasty things to you out of the blue like You're using my electricity and costing me money! She is so negative constantly and complains how the tenants steal her things. If anything goes wrong she blames it on me. She has memory issues and often burns her food. If I nearby I'll turn it off and tell her but like 5 minutes later she looks at me and says things like Someone stole my food but the truth is her food is a bunch of black charcoal at the bottom of the pan.

Anyway it's just life. I should think much about it otherwise we get so depressed and suicidal.

[arich62]

I get the DID from time to time. It is escapism from reality for me I suppose. Kind of a combination of gender dysphoria and autogynephelia

[stahrgeyzer]

I can't believe once again here typing and I feel 100% singleton, not multiple. It's kinda scary. I hope they're okay! The silence is deafening. I really really don't like it. Integration is no good, IMO. Maybe I'll call out to one of them to see if they respond, something I haven't done in ages, because long ago I was determined to have nothing to do with them for a lot of reason. But I feel bad about all of that, going our separate ways, if you will. Ugg I hate this feeling. Seems like I'm never happy But anyhow, they talk to me throughout the day. It's not an audible voice. I always describe it as a thought blast, sometimes a thought nuke lol. I feel good, at peace tbh, such a quite calm, and it's so weird and foreign feeling, but I can't lose them! They're all I have, and all I've ever known.

I just called out to Darold and Ryan and only heard a faint "We're sleeping." Maybe they need a break from me lol. Glad they're okay.

[stahrgeyzer]

but there are like a zillion alters in there. How? Maybe I only hear & feel the ones who are co-fronting, for the most part.

[FooZe]

The new thread is here: dissociative disorders check in thread #5