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confusedbyself
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Unhappy Dec 19, 2020 at 10:01 AM
  #1
I posted more details in the therapist group but some things I didn't say there because I don't think most people would understand but I think you guys would.

My T had to have surgery and will be gone for weeks. I have no close people in my life and the few I just know do NOT know me. The only person that knows me is my T, been with him over 5 yrs now but we just started talking about the DID a few years ago. I am still confused by a lot but I understand more now why I have always felt these things that seemed so different then the rest of the world especially what was always so humiliating in extreme pushes of infantile like desires and behaviors. He has told me that he has spoken with a very young child and over time I have noticed that when his and my relationship is good that deep inside (which I am understanding may be bleeding through of feelings or something like that), but I start to have a safe and better feeling for a while and when the relationship is having trouble, that panic and pain is horrible. I say all of this because my rational brain right now is trying to tell what is a chaotic terrified storm in my to calm down he will be back. T was going to text while he was home recovery to help me get through but then the other day he sent a text that he was only going to text if he gets a chance which triggered this panic of change that proves to me in every way that he didn't really care and even though he knows how bad I am struggling it didin't matter. I made it worse by sending panicked texts and then yesterday he took it all away and said he will talk to me when he returns to work. I feel like someone is stabbing me contanstantly with the worst pain knives in the world, and that emberassing child feeling inside is in so much pain and I feel completely abondoned and like I can never go back with him again when he comes back because he just showed me that it wasn't true that he really cared and now that he knew the real me and saw how bad I was he said he didn't care enough to help. I feel like I have lost the only person that understood me and helped me feel better for the only times in my life. I have prayed so much, I have called prayer lines for prayer and anonymous prayer groups online and I don't know what to do with this pain. It is torturing me and I want out so bad and if I can get my thoughts to tell me he will be returning, it feels like there a 50 people inside me screaming and crying that no never he abandoned us and it is over. It feels like there are so many people that I am trying to calm down and if feel like I get close to calming the pain someone else just starts screaming and crying louder. I know it sounds crazy but I can't even think well enough to describe it but I am in bad shape and the only person that has ever helped is the one that left me to deal with it alone. somebody please understand and tell me how I can stop this pain
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Default Dec 19, 2020 at 03:16 PM
  #2
Please do try to stay as calm as you possibly can. Your therapist will Hopefully come back soon and you'll BOTH be able to sort this out. i am assuming he decided to stop to avoid you becoming co-dependent on him, but i can't be sure about that. Please stay calm, distract yourself, do whatever you can to hold yourself together. Things will get better soon, just try to be patient. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @confusedbyself, your Family, your FriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones and alters! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!
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Default Dec 19, 2020 at 04:17 PM
  #3
Hello there. No, it doesn't sound crazy - it sounds NORMAL under the circumstances. It all sounds perfectly normal for a person who has experienced attachment trauma (just as a start - you almost certainly have experienced other forms of trauma, but attachment/relational trauma is definitely one of them). It all sounds perfectly normal for someone at your stage of healing when the therapist, the healing attachment figure, has suddenly left you and then - in changing the parameters of the texting - has suddenly left you AGAIN. In this context, all the fear and pain and anguish and hopelessness you and your parts are experiencing is perfectly normal. The reactions are typical and almost expected in this scenario. This is all to assure you that you are definitely not "crazy". But you definitely are traumatized, and you definitely are suffering.
To all those little ones in there... T is coming back. T has not abandoned you. T has had something come up (surgery) and he needs to take care of himself until he can come back to you again. You are not bad for wanting and needing him. You are not bad or awful for reaching out to him. He is not rejecting you or pushing you away - he is just taking really good care of himself. He is not there for you right now and it hurts like heck. But T IS going to come back. He is not going to abandon you. He does not think you are awful. He is taking very good care of himself so he can come back and be fully healed and ready to support you again. He is doing what most therapists do in that situation... it isn't unusual for them to go no contact when dealing with hard stuff. It really isn't a rejection of you, it is just him taking the very best care of himself.
T will come back. He will get better and then he will come back.
In the meantime, what can you all do to help you? Who can look after those little ones and reassure them that they are good they are worthy, they are safe? What can you do to help them feel safe? Do they have special toys you have bought for them, or do they like special comfort food or blankets? Do they have a pet they can cuddle? What little things can you do that will make even the tiniest difference for them?
Take care. T will come back when he has recovered. While T is taking care of him, do lots of little things to take care of you. Then when T has recovered, he will be back in his office again.
He will come back.
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Default Dec 19, 2020 at 06:11 PM
  #4
good post by Amyjay. It doesn’t sound crazy.

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Default Dec 20, 2020 at 02:46 PM
  #5
thank you guys and ttried to be ok and I not not could and I went hospital yesterday back home today and it all starting back again so bad and i know he coming back but it its all broken and i hate hate all that stupid stuff inside and he my t helped them get to to have a specfial blanket but that bad one takes them way and then not can have them back and i cant do it myself i hate i hate them i feel them in my blood and make me cry all time i just want it to stop hurt so much and i dont have any bodys that no me just t just t no me that all and now alone so try to make it better here i called that that hotline for mergency but she did not understand and just say said stop crying
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