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Old 02-15-2021, 09:36 PM   #1
FrozenHeart21
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Default My Therapist

(Although I've been a member on here for 3 years, I haven't posted on here once till now, so forgive me if I mess this up somewhere. Also wasn't sure where to put this because of what my therapist had said, but hopefully I'll get answers here)

Hello. I should say in advance that my main issues at the moment are Depression and Autism. I'm high functioning, so I mostly grasp what people say and what they mean.

In any case, I'm trying my best to remember all that I need to say, because it still bothers me and I have no answers. I will be getting a new new therapist (a 3rd one, because I couldn't afford to see the 2nd anymore due to my insurance changing and this will talk about the 1st one), but it would help a lot of I had some insight on this. I don't wish to offend anyone by going back and forth on an issue I'm not sure I have.

As a young child, I was very lonely due to not having any siblings or a lot of friends. Most of the kids in my school didn't like me because I was nice to the more "mentally challenged" kid. One kid would even pull my hair, while the rest ignored or avoid me. I don't know why they had this clique-like mentality at like the age of 6 or whatever, but it still hurt. I should also mention that I was blind to the marital problems my mother and adoptive father had until mom pointed out they were getting a divorce.

A good majority of the time, I had no one to play with, including my parents. My mom would be busy at work, while he would be in the garage and be anti-social mostly to me. And when I was that age, I had these parts of myself come out and I could see them in my head as reflections of me, like those angel and devil on the shoulder characters you see on tv. I would talk to them out loud at first, but then the other kids would notice, so I talked to them in my head.

At some point, they did vanish, but there was a point where I had this "imaginary friend" based off of a movie character (The Little Vampire was the title, if I remember. His name was Rudolph?). I'd point him out once on the rooftop of my playhouse, but my parents brushed it off as mere nonsense. This may not count, but I also once saw a shadow person in my doorway as a child that vanished when the lights turned on. There's also a lot of memory problems, spacing out constantly, unable to focus driving on the road and not remembering where everything is even though I should. Those are just a few examples.

And for a while, my head was quiet, except for the negative internal criticisms that I thought came from me.

So years pass by and I'm in middle school/high school. And I start to hear a voice. This voice, oddly enough, was one I could physically sense, as it would hug me from behind and lean its head on my left shoulder. This wasn't the mean voice, quite the opposite. This voice would sometimes go silent, but when it talked, it would encourage me to do my best and whenever I was sad, I would feel it hug me.

Eventually, he got an appearance in my mind and a name similar to my own, the twin sibling I never had. At first and some other times, I thought he was a guardian angel. But at the time (and I still don't), I didn't really believe in God. But I didn't pursue finding an answer because I was busy with a lot of schoolwork and problems at home.

I mentioned him to my mother, who also thought he was an angel, but I still didn't feel that was a definitive answer. I did at one point, but not now.

But then there were more of them.

And instead of being reflections of me, they took on appearances of completely different people. One was a fatherly figure, another was a young child, even an alien appeared! And while they weren't as talkative as my twin and I couldn't physically sense them either, they remained and talked to me in my head as real people.

There were doubts of course that I was just imagining all of this, but I had a gut feeling. And it could be wrong, but what if it isn't?

And this therapist I had been seeing for a few years (we'll call her 1)...I had mentioned all of these feelings and concern I had for what was going on internally. I definitely didn't feel like myself, I didn't even feel like I knew who I was to begin with. She had known me for a while at the time and I had been diagnosed with Depression first and eventually got my diagnosis of Autism. So we got one of those papers with the signs of DID and discussed it a bit.

She also tried to recommend me to see this person who specialized in DID, but the other woman said she also wasn't sure what was going on exactly and couldn't diagnose me from a simple phone call, even saying she couldn't help me. And at some point, 1 suggested that what I experiencing wasn't DID or even OSDD, which I looked into as well.

She said that it was all a part of my Autism.

She said that "coming up with characters is a part of being autistic and that it's very common amongst those who have it", but that didn't sound right at all to me. (Of course, I saw her for like 5-6 years, maybe she just wanted me gone, I dunno) At another point, I changed from 1 to the 2nd therapist, who I had to stop seeing because of my insurance changing. So I plan on seeing a 3rd therapist in this mental place that will accept my insurance. But I have to wait till at least next month to get that started.

And the "voices" (or whatever they're supposed to be, I'm still not sure) come and go, but I can still hear them. Even when I've taken meds to make the mean ones go quiet. And when looking into both DID and OSDD, I seem to might have the latter, perhaps 1b? I believe that's the one without amnesia, but I'm not a doctor so please correct me if I'm wrong.

But yeah, I'm still very confused and not sure what else to do. The 3rd therapist could recommend me to a different specialist, but I'm not sure if my insurance will cover that as well. I've questioned this for so long and while I want an answer, I'm also very afraid. Because if it really is my imagination messing with me, then what is it really? Is it truly imagination or is it something else that I don't know about? Like schizophrenia?

I'm just scared and I don't know what to do or if this topic relates to this part of the forums. What's the point in researching if I can't get a diagnosis? I'm sorry for venting, but I feel like a total fraud of a person. That people will laugh at me for sounding or being stupid. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of memory problems and depression and even anxiety over the littlest of things, but I'm still human.

I may not find an answer on here either, but could I at least have some comfort? I just need to know that it'll be ok. Sorry for the long wall of text, I needed all of this off of my chest.
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Old 02-15-2021, 11:37 PM   #2
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Default Re: My Therapist

I'm glad you're posting after all these years. It must feel good to have all that off your chest, even though you don't have all the answers yet. Please don't apologize for venting, & no, you're not a fraud. I hope others with autism or DID can guide you in your search. Keep pounding that keyboard.
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Old 02-16-2021, 01:17 AM   #3
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Default Re: My Therapist

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrozenHeart21 View Post
(Although I've been a member on here for 3 years, I haven't posted on here once till now, so forgive me if I mess this up somewhere. Also wasn't sure where to put this because of what my therapist had said, but hopefully I'll get answers here)

Hello. I should say in advance that my main issues at the moment are Depression and Autism. I'm high functioning, so I mostly grasp what people say and what they mean.

In any case, I'm trying my best to remember all that I need to say, because it still bothers me and I have no answers. I will be getting a new new therapist (a 3rd one, because I couldn't afford to see the 2nd anymore due to my insurance changing and this will talk about the 1st one), but it would help a lot of I had some insight on this. I don't wish to offend anyone by going back and forth on an issue I'm not sure I have.

As a young child, I was very lonely due to not having any siblings or a lot of friends. Most of the kids in my school didn't like me because I was nice to the more "mentally challenged" kid. One kid would even pull my hair, while the rest ignored or avoid me. I don't know why they had this clique-like mentality at like the age of 6 or whatever, but it still hurt. I should also mention that I was blind to the marital problems my mother and adoptive father had until mom pointed out they were getting a divorce.

A good majority of the time, I had no one to play with, including my parents. My mom would be busy at work, while he would be in the garage and be anti-social mostly to me. And when I was that age, I had these parts of myself come out and I could see them in my head as reflections of me, like those angel and devil on the shoulder characters you see on tv. I would talk to them out loud at first, but then the other kids would notice, so I talked to them in my head.

At some point, they did vanish, but there was a point where I had this "imaginary friend" based off of a movie character (The Little Vampire was the title, if I remember. His name was Rudolph?). I'd point him out once on the rooftop of my playhouse, but my parents brushed it off as mere nonsense. This may not count, but I also once saw a shadow person in my doorway as a child that vanished when the lights turned on. There's also a lot of memory problems, spacing out constantly, unable to focus driving on the road and not remembering where everything is even though I should. Those are just a few examples.

And for a while, my head was quiet, except for the negative internal criticisms that I thought came from me.

So years pass by and I'm in middle school/high school. And I start to hear a voice. This voice, oddly enough, was one I could physically sense, as it would hug me from behind and lean its head on my left shoulder. This wasn't the mean voice, quite the opposite. This voice would sometimes go silent, but when it talked, it would encourage me to do my best and whenever I was sad, I would feel it hug me.

Eventually, he got an appearance in my mind and a name similar to my own, the twin sibling I never had. At first and some other times, I thought he was a guardian angel. But at the time (and I still don't), I didn't really believe in God. But I didn't pursue finding an answer because I was busy with a lot of schoolwork and problems at home.

I mentioned him to my mother, who also thought he was an angel, but I still didn't feel that was a definitive answer. I did at one point, but not now.

But then there were more of them.

And instead of being reflections of me, they took on appearances of completely different people. One was a fatherly figure, another was a young child, even an alien appeared! And while they weren't as talkative as my twin and I couldn't physically sense them either, they remained and talked to me in my head as real people.

There were doubts of course that I was just imagining all of this, but I had a gut feeling. And it could be wrong, but what if it isn't?

And this therapist I had been seeing for a few years (we'll call her 1)...I had mentioned all of these feelings and concern I had for what was going on internally. I definitely didn't feel like myself, I didn't even feel like I knew who I was to begin with. She had known me for a while at the time and I had been diagnosed with Depression first and eventually got my diagnosis of Autism. So we got one of those papers with the signs of DID and discussed it a bit.

She also tried to recommend me to see this person who specialized in DID, but the other woman said she also wasn't sure what was going on exactly and couldn't diagnose me from a simple phone call, even saying she couldn't help me. And at some point, 1 suggested that what I experiencing wasn't DID or even OSDD, which I looked into as well.

She said that it was all a part of my Autism.

She said that "coming up with characters is a part of being autistic and that it's very common amongst those who have it", but that didn't sound right at all to me. (Of course, I saw her for like 5-6 years, maybe she just wanted me gone, I dunno) At another point, I changed from 1 to the 2nd therapist, who I had to stop seeing because of my insurance changing. So I plan on seeing a 3rd therapist in this mental place that will accept my insurance. But I have to wait till at least next month to get that started.

And the "voices" (or whatever they're supposed to be, I'm still not sure) come and go, but I can still hear them. Even when I've taken meds to make the mean ones go quiet. And when looking into both DID and OSDD, I seem to might have the latter, perhaps 1b? I believe that's the one without amnesia, but I'm not a doctor so please correct me if I'm wrong.

But yeah, I'm still very confused and not sure what else to do. The 3rd therapist could recommend me to a different specialist, but I'm not sure if my insurance will cover that as well. I've questioned this for so long and while I want an answer, I'm also very afraid. Because if it really is my imagination messing with me, then what is it really? Is it truly imagination or is it something else that I don't know about? Like schizophrenia?

I'm just scared and I don't know what to do or if this topic relates to this part of the forums. What's the point in researching if I can't get a diagnosis? I'm sorry for venting, but I feel like a total fraud of a person. That people will laugh at me for sounding or being stupid. I mean, yeah, I have a lot of memory problems and depression and even anxiety over the littlest of things, but I'm still human.

I may not find an answer on here either, but could I at least have some comfort? I just need to know that it'll be ok. Sorry for the long wall of text, I needed all of this off of my chest.
you are right you will not find your answers here.
we can not tell you if you have any disorders.
it is you that tells us what you have.
we cant change your autism diagnosis.

in your post you said

"She said that it was all a part of my Autism."

we cant change that.

you will need to talk with your therapists. they will talk to you again about why you are diagnosed Autism and not DID or OSDD. they have probably already explained to you the differences to you but can explain to you again.
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Old 03-20-2021, 11:20 AM   #4
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Default Re: My Therapist

I'm not an expert on DID either but wanted to offer you support and offer my own perspective... which may or may not be right for you. Have you ever tried to engage with the good voice? have a conversation and ask why it's there? I'm not familiar with autism and hearing voices but I know some people who believe in spirit guides (very much the same as guardian angels) and engage in conversation with them. I'm not suggesting it is but even if the voice is from within you, you can have a conversation with it.
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Old 03-22-2021, 05:03 PM   #5
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I understand your fear of schizophrenia, I have that fear too. I have visual hallucinations once or twice a year (which I understand is uncommon for schizophrenia) and when I drink (even if it's just a bit), I sometimes/rarely loose time, though I generally regain it after a few days, as far as I know. As such, I also understand your ponderings about DID.
I have a therapist now, I've had her for the past 7 weeks. These things only came up at the beginning and I never mentioned the specific diagnosis. I figure it's just a box and if she can help me it doen't matter what I have.
I tend to think that maybe a specific diagnosis will not help me. My uncle is diagnosed with schizophrenia and he has been institutionalized since childhood, so far as I know. I sometimes think getting that diagnosis would make me weaker, less eager to fight for my independence.

That being said, you have clearly been searching for answers for longer than I have and I certainly hope your new T will be able to give you the answers you seek. Keep us posted and good luck
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Old 05-03-2021, 10:02 PM   #6
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For me, being diagnosed with DID took a whole slew of psychological tests and an interview with someone who specialized in trauma. Since then, the diagnosis has been confirmed by 2 psychologists with experience with DID. So as someone already said, it would be just wrong for any of us to assign such an extreme diagnosis. But I can share my experience.
For me, I don't experience my parts as voices. Before I started therapy, I would just be one part. The parts were mostly unaware of each other, although I did learn about the "inner child" that we are all supposed to have and could relate, somewhat. But my parts come with feelings (often very strong ones) and actions that differ from part to part. Some dress in a certain way or prefer certain activities. Even now, with some co-awareness of my parts, I don't just hear their voices-I feel their feelings. As an example, today I was upset at my therapist. My "self" was aware that a strong protective part was in charge. I know that more from how my body feels when she is in charge. My body and my mind feel different when she is in charge; kind of hard and pushing people away and suspicious. I do now (after many years of therapy) have times where two or more parts will have opinions and feelings about stuff, but as I said there is always a strong feelings component. So it is not just hearing.
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