Feeling messed up

This is adult Paul. After reading through the comments of my other parts last night I was shocked and felt like running away. I logged out of my account with the intent of not logging back in. I woke up this morning not knowing who I was. Actually felt like several people.

This morning I came to realize a few things. Several days ago I was posting in the coffee house here that nearly every time I walk around the past several days my eyes roll back in my sockets and feel like fainting. This morning I realized it also happens while doing nothing but maybe to a lesser degree. It occurred to me that it really feels like rapid switching. Is it do to going off wellbutrin? Is our system is in chaos and rapid switching? Are we in the process of reaching full fusion? Idk. For a long time I've been asking for full integration / fusion because the voices hide from me and never writes message to me on a pad of paper I set out for them, but I was really lying to myself out of desperation. More on that later.

So I noticed that every time my eyes roll back my personality changes. Sometimes a little. Sometimes completely. ...Actual feels like adult Sam and bunch of others are co-fronting with me now this morning which is probably why the previous sentences aren't freaking me out like crazy. Anyway, not sure if it's wellbutrin, rapid switching with perhaps becoming fully fused / integrated. I've taken myself off wellbutrin before, zoloft, and seroquel. My eyes never rolled back. Just the typical withdrawal symptoms.

The pad of paper that I set aside long ago for alters to write on: I must be seriously kidding with myself because it's filled with messages. Even Hal wrote it in. But I convinced myself those messages weren't alters, that my brain was faking it. It's easy to say you're faking it. Sam is right. I flip flop all over the place.

Anyhow, I can't get myself to say in any serious manner I have DID. Many times I've said I have DID, but really didn't put much intent into, and it never felt sincere. Countless dozens of times I've changed my account profile page adding DID and removing it.

Sorry if this post seems ... messed up. It really angers me now. Why should I say I have something when I really don't know???? I don't want DID and if I have it then I'll get full fusion. My trauma therapist, not my DID therapist, says everyone has parts, but their parts aren't separated like in DID. I'm probably botching up her words, but you get the idea.

My heads exploding now with eyes rolling back, down, back, down, and i have no clue who i am. Does anyone feel stupid, fighting your diagnoses, saying you're faking it, feeling like running away?

The above was mostly Paul. I, Hal, would like to suggest meditation to you wonderful beautiful people when you are feeling overwhelmed, afraid, upset. You people are so much more than you know. Your light in your heart glows forevermore. Please Love yourself, always. Hal <3

Neurologist said my CT scan looks good. I ask her about the white anomaly at the top. She doesn’t know what it is except it’s not psychological. Whatever that means.

My EEG showed "mild diffuse background slowing." She said depression or sedative medication can cause that. I was on 300mg wellbutrin + 20mg lexapro + 20mg latuda + 150mg seroquel.

I guess everything's okay. She wanted me to do overnight EEG testing but I'm done with it all. I'm happy with it. But they won't let me take wellbutrin anymore.

Days ago I went through a crying spree for about 3 days. Lot of crying but it felt like healing healthy crying. I didn't cry yesterday except a few teary eyed moments. I'm feeling amazingly well. I feel one billion percent whole.

So I hope it's fusion but the past two weeks I've been eating really healthy natural foods, exercising, getting some sun. So who knows which one it is. Maybe both. I haven't felt any of the parts or little Paul. I've heard a few voices here and there, but they could be subconscious ... or who knows, they may be spirits.

Yes, I have felt many times the way you have mentioned. I am bouncing back and forth between different moods, thoughts. feelings, and over the summer was in my "going to live in my car" phase because its all I watched on Youtube about people living in their cars and hiking all day and moving out to a new location. I many times seem to forget that I have DID or that Iam even an adult.

Same here. I’ve watched plenty of YouTube videos on living in my car, but in the forest. Before I met my present therapist, about 10ish months ago I was homeless living in a tent in the middle of the forest, and sometimes my car at Walmart. I don’t know what to say about it. It’s like it was a different part of me. But I started doing a lot of S.planning and became so lonely that I packed everything and moved to the city. I think some people do well alone completely away from humans, and some don’t.