The DID World of SprinkL3

SprinkL3 · Nov 14, 2021 at 02:26 AM

I'm creating this thread here to describe my DID world one small step at a time. I share this in emails with my T, but I need to just let some things out and process here. Some of my stuff may come with trigger warnings, so I will try to be cognizant about that and the PTSD that tends to come along with DID.

My mother retrospectively told me that I was a "peculiar child." She said those exact words were what the doctor told her I was when I was two years old. I can only remember as far back as age 3, but I do have a baby in our system. The baby is very shielded and protected by at least one caregiver - maybe more - and a maze with many protectors that surrounds it. So, those are two inner lands so far.

I don't remember a concurrent flow of my childhood, but I do recall bits and pieces. I did lose time in preschool, kindergarten, and throughout my life, really. I had no idea it was "losing time" because I grew up with this, so I thought it was "normal."

I had an imaginary friend when I was 3. She helped me deal with things. She's never went away. But there's another alter who is 12 years old with her same name. They aren't the same person, but they both have the same name.

I had no idea they existed as alters all this time. I just thought that my imaginary friend stood by me for my entire life, and that the others inside my inside world were like imaginary friends - only, they were in the forms of voices and thoughts about "strangers" at the time, since I had no idea they were alters that were behind my losing time (i.e., dissociating).

I was constantly stressed out as a child. Life was chaotic in my home.

And so here is one of many of my traumatic memories pieced together - by therapy for DID - that I can finally recall, with the help of a few alters inside. This is also the beginning of my story, though there are additional memories that happened in between, which I'll eventually write out in this thread. I need some place to process all this. I'll also copy and paste this in an email to my therapist.

Possible trigger:

Constantly screaming, my father was unpredictable. My mother played the victim role really well, too, only, I felt bad for her. I loved them both, but it was tough growing up in that environment. My father would say racial slurs about some people who weren't white like him, and my Asian mother would just take the abuse. There were also painful things that were said about me, and I was also abused. But like intimate partner violence, I was a child who experienced some apologies and periods of kindness from my parents. It didn't last long though.

I always thought that my blacking out and losing time was due to my way of coping with the screaming and my painful, chaotic life at home. I thought this was just "normal," and I thought that I could never tell anyone what was going on. Threats were normal in our household - so normal that I thought it was just part of parenting and what kids go through.

Flash forward to my preteen years, this is when my first clue to having alters began. I switched schools a lot, so I lost track of the number of elementary, kindergarten, and preschools I had attended. I do know that I attended two Jr. High Schools and three High Schools. Making friends was short-lived, due to our frequent moves. I learned quickly to not form attachments. Ghosting became a thing before the word was socially invented.

One of my friends during this time kept calling me by a different name. But she, too, would call herself by a different name. Initially, I thought we were bonding over similar traumas that we had experienced from our families. I felt connected with someone for the first time in my life, and I really loved her. I didn't understand my feelings, as I'm a cisgender female. She didn't have feelings for me like that, but I think she accepted me the way I was. We both admitted to one another that we were sexually abused by certain family members. And we would both lie to our parents about staying the night at one another's homes, just so that we could hang out together. We frightened our parents a lot.

On the nights we went out, we'd use our "made-up names." The problem is, I dissociated so much that I couldn't keep up with my friend telling me about things that I couldn't recall. She's always ask me (well, actually, it was my alter, but I didn't know it was an alter at the time), "You don't remember?" I knew then that something was really off with me, and that my name meant something vastly different than her name. Still, we could have both been dissociators and not have realized it.

I felt like I finally found a friend I could connect with on a deep level! We still had our arguments, and there were some not-so-healthy things that arose from that friendship, such as ditching school. But she also encouraged me to do well in schoolwork, so I did. I found a teacher who cared, but I dared not say a word to her. Instead, the teacher just guessed that I came from a troubled home. I was failing my courses, so she offered to tutor me. My friend at the time thought that was great, though it temporarily pushed us apart.

I started having similar feelings for my teacher that I had for my friend. I didn't tell my teacher that, but I just knew it felt similar. I didn't know what that meant. I feared at the young age of 12-going-on-13 that I was a lesbian. But I didn't know if that's what I wanted or liked. I liked boys, too. But I also loved the idea of "Starman," a television show I used to watch when I was younger - probably around 10, though I can't remember fully. The television show was about a boy who was half, like me, only, his half wasn't a race but rather being half-extraterrestrial. I thought to myself, I could fall in love with a boy like that - with an extraterrestrial. I think it was then that I knew I was pansexual.

The problem is, I hated the "icky" feelings I'd get from my having experienced sexual abuse. I also felt like I was having out-of-body experiences all the time when I was very young (age of 3) and throughout my life after that. I never told anyone about that until years later.

I kept living life as though there were multiple dreams and multiple thoughts, dimensions, and angles to my life. I had no idea that this was all part of dissociating, a connection between my lost time and alters. It was just a weird feeling I got.

When my grades improved, I started spending more time with my friend. We called one another "best friends." I felt really special at that time. I wanted to do more at the time, since I got my grades up and was feeling a little better. I also got sick of being impoverished and wearing thrift-store clothing. So, I convinced my parents to allow me to be an underage worker. I earned money, but boy did my parents pay the taxes on it. My parents allowed me to keep all of my earnings, which was nice. They never told me how to budget, however, which wasn't so nice. My father was both strict and loose as a parent, and he was also confusing. My mother rarely spent time with me, and so I felt distant from her my entire life. I loved them both, despite the abuse I suffered from both of them at times. I was so confused about that, and I was so hurt many times, but I couldn't remember why. I figured, if I got a job, I'd get out of the house, feel better about myself, perhaps make my parents proud, and then hear less screaming. I realized then that I was blaming myself for my parents' behaviors. Nothing changed, no matter what I did.

I still worked as hard as I could, and I bought new clothes. My best friend and I would go shopping and sometimes ditch to go on outings during the daytime. I tried to keep my grades at least average while we did this. We even went out to nightclubs once in a while. We learned to drink alcohol at a very young age because my best friend's uncle took us out. I had no idea how much of a pervert her uncle was to both me and her. We both had that in common - perverted, pedophilic uncles (only, my one was very scary and threatening, whereas her one was kind and giving). Her uncle would drive us around all over the place and introduce us to different men. Without going into much detail, my alters took over to handle all that - or at least most of it, since I could barely recall my memories of that time we were probably trafficked and/or exploited without knowing it.

I'd still work and go to school like normal, but I lived the life of an older teen, despite my being only 13 years old at the time.

My best friend and I had an argument over a boy, I think. I became close to her boyfriend, who was in his 20s (my best friend was just barely turning 15 when I was still 13). I didn't know that was wrong at the time, and neither did she. We both thought her boyfriend was really nice, but she kept cheating on him. He wasn't the type to harm her physically, though he was sick enough to date a minor. And his family allowed it, so they were just as sick. Anyway, I became friends with both of them as they were dating, and then she kept hurting his feelings. I don't know why I defended him, but that caused a riff in my relationship with my best friend. My best friend broke up with him and me as her best friend. So I stopped talking with both of them.

There was also a third friend in the circle, who probably fought for more attention from my best friend. We all tried to consider one another as a trio of best female friends, but I knew that my friendship with my best friend was growing apart. So I just let my best friend spend time with her new best friend. The problem was that I think the new best friend knew some pretty dangerous guys or nightclubs or both.

A few months after not speaking with my friends - not one of them, they called me out of the blue to invite me to hang out with them at a new nightclub. They knew how to drive without a driver's license, and they invited me to ride in their new truck with them. I had to work that night, so I declined. I was also periodically seeing and talking with my former best friend's ex-boyfriend, who wound up helping my father and his worsening conditions. My father hired my former best friend's now ex-boyfriend to live with us and help him out. I thought it was weird how my father just allowed us to sleep together in the same room, but we grew a friendship out of that. He also cautioned me not to go out that night with his ex and her new best friend. He said that it didn't seem genuine, or that something was up.

So I went to work as usual.

About three days later, I received a visit from my former best friend's half-sister. She announced to me and my family and my former best friend's ex that she was murdered. She was shot in the chest by a man who followed her and her best friend home. Her best friend, I later found out, was pregnant, knew the man who followed them from the nightclub, and allowed her to live. Out of fear for her life and safety, her best friend who survived that never said who did it. The newspapers put the story in the paper. It didn't make national news, but it did make a very brief local news story. Once in a while, I'll go back and find that story and read it - sobbing. The alter who spent time with her was never the same from then. It became impossible for any of us in our system to get close to anyone else.

And that's where our childhood memories stood out the most, though there were other traumas within my family and by that former best friend's ex who became out boyfriend after she was murdered. That whole scenario was twisted. I don't know how my father allowed this, but he and my mother did. My parents didn't know anything about what happened to my former best friend, but I had always felt that I would have been murdered had I gone out that night.

During this time, I was in shock and just simply couldn't believe this was happening. Her funeral would have been the first funeral I had ever attended. All the gross men that were involved with us were there. It was sick. It was like a "mafia" of sorts. That's how this whole ordeal felt.

I still had no idea that this was far from normal. I honestly thought that this was the kind of life that city kids go through. I had no idea that we were so abused from so many different people. Attending her funeral was a huge eye-opener.

And yet, I still didn't realize that my worsening blackouts - lost time - were abnormal. I just thought that was about me feeling grief and loss. I had no idea it was me experiencing the worst emotional pain ever.

Anyway, that's just one of many traumatic stories I can remember, with the help of a few alters inside, including the one whose name was called only by my now late best friend. I never had a best friend after that. Ever.

I want a best friend some day, but I kept thinking that I'm cursed. I kept thinking that everything bad was my fault, even though I wasn't there with her. I also kept thinking that maybe we could have fought the guy off or something, that maybe my best friend would still be alive today. That's all magical thinking - all distorted.

Anyway, years later, I learned that the voices and images of other people inside my head were alters. I learned that all the traumas compacted on top of one another throughout my life were making my dissociation worse and yet more visible to me. The amnesiac barriers were thinning, and so I could see glimpses of what some of the alters were seeing and experiencing with each and every trauma anniversary. This is just one of many painful trauma anniversaries that my alters and I experience.

And looking back, just to be able to write this here meant that the therapy helped somewhat. Although, I'd rather not know anything, to be honest. Part of me wants to go back and lose time again. It was painful to process this the first time I was diagnosed with DID and learned how to be co-conscious with the others. It remains painful to discuss, but at least I can discuss it more fully now. Before, it just seemed like pieces in a horror story, or from a horrific nightmare that made no sense.

I'll probably process more traumatic memories here. I just wanted to start with this one for some reason. I kind of know the reasons, but my arms are hurting from typing, so I need to stop here and just rest. It's also very emotionally taxing, too.

SprinkL3 · Nov 14, 2021 at 03:59 AM

I'm embarrassed and don't know why I wrote this with my alter. I think it will be easier to write with actual alter names, but I won't feel safe to write then. And we have over 40 alters in our system, so it's hard to keep up and write about every single one of them.

We also don't want our story to be copied by someone else on the forums. So we'd rather keep it very anonymous.

There's a lot of details that are too sickening to even put a trigger tag to it.

Also, I know religion is forbidden to speak about, but there are many spiritual and ritual-like abuses that other alters have experienced. It's unclear if those contexts are allowed to speak about - with the trigger tags hiding them.

I feel horrible. Writing this out makes me hate myself. I feel icky.

I wish my life were different.

My alters are the ones holding the pain this entire time. For me to become even partly aware of it makes it seem more painful than what they experienced directly. I know somehow that they are all parts of me, but my brain seriously still sees it happening to them, and me only feeling the emotions of it - like empathy on steroids.

Princess Zelda · Nov 14, 2021 at 06:01 PM

My young alters and 16 year old alter hold memories of my brother who is not alive I don’t know how he died and I don’t know his name sometimes it’s Zelda speaking we understand how you guys feel but I don’t want to remember it’s to painful that’s why some of my alter are 16 because I was when he passed that about all I know the 16 year old are frozen in time hope you understand

-Zelda

SprinkL3 · Nov 14, 2021 at 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Princess Zelda

My young alters and 16 year old alter hold memories of my brother who is not alive I don’t know how he died and I don’t know his name sometimes it’s Zelda speaking we understand how you guys feel but I don’t want to remember it’s to painful that’s why some of my alter are 16 because I was when he passed that about all I know the 16 year old are frozen in time hope you understand

-Zelda

Awe, Zelda. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I totally understand. It's painful to remember. I'm still in shock that I even wrote this with my alter. My alters need to take turns but also be patient, because we can't have our whole system be overwhelmed at once. Our alters are frozen in time with their ages and stuff, too. They are learning to cope better though. We're all learning from one another, as we have a good therapist helping us. But it is hard work. We take breaks from this stuff once in a while.

(((safe thoughts and safe hugs, Zelda & Co.))) We're so sorry you struggle in the same way, too!

SprinkL3 · Nov 15, 2021 at 11:22 AM

My alters are all triggered now, and so am I.

There are just too many triggers during this pandemic, and so many key words, as if I'm trying to be lured in to the mind control game again, or some cult, or some brainwashing technique. Whenever I see words from comments or the news, it just sets off different alters inside. This is me today - which is a long cry from what was expressed earlier. Yet, what was expressed earlier was triggered by things today.

I lost a friend to Covid-19 last year. I knew him for over 20 years, but we lost touch until around 2019. But then the pandemic hit in 2020, and he went out to celebrate his birthday. A few days later, he died from Covid-19 at the San Antonio VA. His wife, who survived, said he had a good funeral. But back then, there were restrictions.

My alters were all triggered by that.

They still are.

And then we get retraumatized with certain insensitive words being spewed out in various places online. We try to escape them, but they keep haunting us, as if they were bullies trying to get us to die or to leave "their country," even though I served and was born here, despite whatever they may think about my multiracial Asian appearances or adherence to mask wearing, vaccinations, and social distancing. I'm not directly in their face yelling at them; I'm expressing my hurt and pain from all of the bullying going on though, which is my right to express. They don't need to hear it, as I almost always try to find a safe space to share with like-minded people. But that's even getting harder to find, as they keep infiltrating and trying to do mind control and brainwash other people - or at least tire them out for some reason. That's completely mental abuse, psychological abuse, victim-shaming, victim-blaming, hate-based politics, and gaslighting all into one mind-control technique that they learned from their masters, and that they keep abiding by their masters to try to enslave me and the alters.

We won't have it. We can't have it.

SprinkL3 · Nov 16, 2021 at 03:38 AM

My alters and I are not all in agreement with this healthier lifestyle business.

But, we are trying to communicate with one another, and we plan on discussing these issues with our therapist this week.

Here's some thoughts that have been happening lately.

Some alters want to change for the better, but they don't want to do it because someone else suggested it. They don't want to be told what to do. So they are hesitant.

Other alters, like the littles, feel like they are being punished. It's hard to tell them that they really aren't. But they still experience this transition as a huge loss.

The older alters are feeling more connected with me lately, as I approach their age. It's as if they were waiting for me to catch up to their weakened bones. There's even a "crippled old lady" in our system. Poor thing has been hurting since what seems like forever.

The teens still feel like they are invincible. They don't like people telling them what to do either, but they do want to protect our system, too. So they abide by the rules on their terms - and on their terms only.

The protectors and the depressed ones (all ages) are struggling with all this. They see this as another doom-and-gloom moment before our tragic traumatic end begins. They scare me. And I hurt their feelings when I say that they scare me. I'm sorry, I just don't know how to deal with the really intense emotions of depression, suicidality, anger, and rage - sometimes all combined into one, it seems. But they are trying to work with us and do the right thing. They are truly struggling, but the rest of the alters and I accept them as part of the "me family." We all hold these painful memories of the collective life we've shared together for 47 years so far and counting.

It's hard to take that first step.

I've done the losing weight thing before. I'm sick that thinness is praised, as opposed to being praised along the way for other accomplishments, and despite my looks and appearances. That's a huge trigger for me - appearances.

When I was about 16, I went down to about 78 pounds. I didn't eat. No one noticed, except for my coworker at a grocery store. She tried to help me, and she did. She was one of the nicest women I have ever met. I lost touch with her over the years, but I'm sure she's out there somewhere making a difference in the world.

My T said that I was anorexic when I was a teen. I had no idea. I was on the drill team for a short while before I quit my last half of the semester of my senior year. I wasn't exactly pressured into being thin. I just simply didn't want to eat. I was depressed. That's all I'll say about that.

There are a few alters that hold similar feelings inside - one is 16 and the other is 19. They both hate my body (or what we call "the body" - since my body is an alter and land/system of its own). They both contributed to the anorexic stuff.

But my coworker helped me to eventually eat again. I think she helped my alters, too, but I didn't realize I ever had alters really. The alter with the best friend that died (whom I described above) was silent during my later teen years, and other alters took over, I think. I just didn't know that other alters took over until a very long time afterward - well into my 30s - when I was first diagnosed with DID. Until then, I just thought all the stuff I dealt with regarding lost times and strange emotions were "normal." I also thought that every teen goes through a phase of not wanting to eat and becoming super thin. I had no idea.

At the time, food grossed me out. It was like someone was stuffing me in the same way I felt "stuffed" and "smothered" with sexual advances and

Possible trigger:

sexual penetration

. So, eating became a trigger in and of itself. Feeling fat on my body also felt triggering, as I thought "curves" meant that I would be more prone to be sexually harassed.

Flash forward to my later adult years, when weight gain became an inevitable thing due to my many disabilities - and I saw the opposite pendulum swing where being obese meant that I would ward off sexual harassment. In a strong sense, yes, it does. But so, too, does age. So it's unclear which one - age or obesity - are "protective factors" against being sexually harassed. Nevertheless, I do also understand that anyone of any shape or size or gender can be sexually harassed and/or assaulted. But, like they teach in certain stats that certain groups are more prone to certain victimizations, the thin females and the young females often get sexually assaulted, whereas the shapely older females and thin elderly females and Asian females in general often get sexually harassed. Statistics reveal likelihood, which does not help in my case.

Somehow weight - whether thin or obese - becomes a factor in all this. It's scary to think about weight as being a defense mechanism against sexual victimization. But that's been how me and some of my alters have been thinking lately - or since forever.

We know that's a distortion.

We don't have a diagnosed ED, but we may have been ruled out as having an ED not-otherwise-specified, before the DSM-5 began their spectrum-based disorders. We will ask our T about this.

For now, we're trying to deal with our feelings.

We wishes that people weren't so controlling, pushy, bossy - when it comes to how you should eat, how you should dress, how you should feel, how you should vote, how you should do this or do that. It's all too much, and it all feels like the cult all over again. It feels like spiritual abuse, and it hurts. It hurts so bad that I wonder if there is

Possible trigger:

a Satan, an Anti-Christ, mind-controlling demons, etc.

.

There's a lot more to this story, but I don't feel comfortable sharing here. I'd rather share with my T.

stahrgeyzer · Nov 25, 2021 at 01:09 AM

Sorry to post late. I haven't read hardly anything at this forum in a long time, but just read this thread. I feel bad for all the trauma you went through. It just bothers me that humans on Earth don't seem to have much passion to help others in a big way. Helping others in a big way is all that I ever dream about, but childhood trauma keeps me running away from everything.

Anyhow, reading about those areas of your life was sad but at the same time it was helpful to kinda experience through your eyes. I never had much human to human experiences in high-school, or ever.

It must be horrible to be aware of losing time so much. It doesn't happen to me that often, but it's no fun when it happens. Not sure why but DID has always been very hidden from me. The way it usually turns up is seeing alters take photos or people accusing me of things I didn't do or say. How can I lose consciousness and not be aware of it after gaining consciousness? It seems common in DID, though. Maybe it's because I daydream so often. So while I'm daydreaming and out of it I guess it's hard for me to notice I've been gone for awhile. It's easy for me to zone out while daydreaming or whatever it's called.

It seems your alters are nice to you. My alters call me a persecutor and for the most part want nothing to do with me. It makes me feel like a slave for them stuck in this horrible outer world body very alone. They don't seem too concerned if I threaten to end the body. Some have said I can't end myself because they won't let me.

Your out of body experiences sound interesting. I remember having those in early childhood. Although they were frightening and I just hid under a desk in the lucid dream or whatever they are. Then in 20s I used to get them a lot. In the lucid dream world there's a guide who watches over me. She's very nice to me which feels good. Sometimes she would gently grab me from behind and take me to heavenly worlds.

SprinkL3 · Nov 25, 2021 at 01:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Sorry to post late. I haven't read hardly anything at this forum in a long time, but just read this thread. I feel bad for all the trauma you went through. It just bothers me that humans on Earth don't seem to have much passion to help others in a big way. Helping others in a big way is all that I ever dream about, but childhood trauma keeps me running away from everything.

Anyhow, reading about those areas of your life was sad but at the same time it was helpful to kinda experience through your eyes. I never had much human to human experiences in high-school, or ever.

It must be horrible to be aware of losing time so much. It doesn't happen to me that often, but it's no fun when it happens. Not sure why but DID has always been very hidden from me. The way it usually turns up is seeing alters take photos or people accusing me of things I didn't do or say. How can I lose consciousness and not be aware of it after gaining consciousness? It seems common in DID, though. Maybe it's because I daydream so often. So while I'm daydreaming and out of it I guess it's hard for me to notice I've been gone for awhile. It's easy for me to zone out while daydreaming or whatever it's called.

It seems your alters are nice to you. My alters call me a persecutor and for the most part want nothing to do with me. It makes me feel like a slave for them stuck in this horrible outer world body very alone. They don't seem too concerned if I threaten to end the body. Some have said I can't end myself because they won't let me.

Your out of body experiences sound interesting. I remember having those in early childhood. Although they were frightening and I just hid under a desk in the lucid dream or whatever they are. Then in 20s I used to get them a lot. In the lucid dream world there's a guide who watches over me. She's very nice to me which feels good. Sometimes she would gently grab me from behind and take me to heavenly worlds.

@stahrgeyzer - so sorry your alters are mean to you. Our T helped my "persecutor" alters realize that they are really protectors. She would allow them to be angry - with limitations, and she allowed them to speak with her. They now respect my T because my T accepted them when they were angry. No one else did that. So that showed the rest of our system to also accept our "angry/persecutor" alters, too. They just needed to learn how to communicate differently, as well as protect differently. It takes time though. My alters worked with my T for over a year now, so it took at least that long for them to not be so mean and angry all the time. But we did all realize how they were protecting us.

((( safe hugs

))) - if you're in therapy, you will likely improve. Sometimes I wished I still lost time, but other times I'm glad I didn't. It's hard to be co-conscious, but I'm learning that there are benefits to this dissociation business, too. Like it helps with the loneliness a little, and it definitely helps in times of distress. But I'd rather not be lonely or distressed. It's just that the world seems too threatening.

Anyway, thank you for stopping by this thread and replying.

I'm sorry you struggle with DID, too. I hope you have a good T to work with all this.

stahrgeyzer · Nov 25, 2021 at 11:19 AM

Your so fortunate to have a good T! So many people post how they would love to find one. I know you've gone through a lot but it must feel nice to have someone who really cares about you and the others. My 1st T was amazing but one day I went to a bridge, and after being so scared after looking down I called her. She put me in a psych ward and called me there the next day to say she' so sorry but has to terminate me forever. Ever since then it's been downhill with Ts. My next T was horrible. Third T cared a lot but wasn't nearly as good as 1st T. She had me see a T who specializes in DID. My system really liked DID therapist. Several of them actually looked forward to therapy and fronted for him. But he started pressuring me to get SSDI/SSI or whatever it's called, telling me I have DID and can't care for myself. He was starting to be aggressive about it so I didn't what I'm best at, ran away. I also left my other T but sometimes want to go back.

Co-conscious has it's benefits. It helps deal with so much, but it's also frustrating because it's hard to know who I am. People have called me chameleon. Most of our system consists of littles but there are some adults who are insanely different and intense. Some only think about science. Some are very spiritual, etc. It's not easy changing into different people especially of such extreme personalities. I hope it's better for you! ...Sorry to ramble! I'll stop now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

SprinkL3 · Nov 25, 2021 at 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Your so fortunate to have a good T! So many people post how they would love to find one. I know you've gone through a lot but it must feel nice to have someone who really cares about you and the others. My 1st T was amazing but one day I went to a bridge, and after being so scared after looking down I called her. She put me in a psych ward and called me there the next day to say she' so sorry but has to terminate me forever. Ever since then it's been downhill with Ts. My next T was horrible. Third T cared a lot but wasn't nearly as good as 1st T. She had me see a T who specializes in DID. My system really liked DID therapist. Several of them actually looked forward to therapy and fronted for him. But he started pressuring me to get SSDI/SSI or whatever it's called, telling me I have DID and can't care for myself. He was starting to be aggressive about it so I didn't what I'm best at, ran away. I also left my other T but sometimes want to go back.

Co-conscious has it's benefits. It helps deal with so much, but it's also frustrating because it's hard to know who I am. People have called me chameleon. Most of our system consists of littles but there are some adults who are insanely different and intense. Some only think about science. Some are very spiritual, etc. It's not easy changing into different people especially of such extreme personalities. I hope it's better for you! ...Sorry to ramble! I'll stop now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

You're not rambling. I "ramble," too. LOL. But seriously, Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

I am very fortunate to have a good T. I might have had other good T's too, but I wound up running away and ghosting them. I told my current T about my habit of ghosting, which I probably would have done during this pandemic, but then my being isolated has helped me stick with one T. We made a pact that I wouldn't ghost her, and that I would talk things through. It really helped, but it is scary at first.

A good T will understand you and not be afraid to handle the suicidal ideation and attempts. I have a T who used to treat veterans, as I'm also a veteran, and she moved on to private practice after that. She also treats refugees and other immigrants. She's really open and understanding, so she's seen and heard it all. She doesn't fear what other T's fear in terms of lawsuits, malpractice assumptions for suicide cases, "treatment-resistant" clients, etc. She works with many people where they are at. It helps that she was also a military psychologist back in the day, and that she was also an officer in the Army and had consulted for the FBI at some point. She has a really good career record, so she rarely terminates unless she's being threatened or stalked by a client. She's only had to terminated one client, I think she said. I was afraid of termination, too, since I've had many T's in the past terminate on me because of different reasons. Sometimes it's not you; it's truly ethics and their lack of competence in treating our disorders. Sometimes they consider "dissociative identity disorder" cases as something they can "convince" otherwise, as opposed to believing in the validity of the disorder and treating it.

There are too many inept, incompetent therapists who don't know how to treat complex trauma, treatment-resistant depression, comorbid disorders, and suicidality (not a diagnosis alone, but very much a symptom with the list I mentioned). There are even more who don't treat DID or any dissociative disorder, for that matter, which is a very extreme and complex form of trauma. Such therapists should pre-screen so that they don't waste our time and copayment dollars or even our tax dollars if we're on any programs. They should not get our hopes up and then demand that we don't feel a symptom in order for them to treat us because that's not how mental illness works. We need help to get to that point, so if they only want "easy clients," they should NOT be in the business for treating trauma, severe depression, or dissociative disorders at all. They'd be best with just clients dealing with grief-and-loss alone, adjustment disorders alone, non-clinical depression (largely due to adjustment or loss alone), relationship problems alone - but definitely no comorbidities. We consumers have to do our best with screening mental health professionals, too. Many will claim they can treat trauma and dissociation, but they can't. Their abandonment and failure to see treatment through the bitter end, and their lack of acknowledging the need for long-term treatments for complex trauma and dissociation, is enough to show their incompetence.

So don't feel bad. You are struggling in similar ways that many of us do. It took me years and mere chance for me to find the T I have now. She's the best. I wish I could share her with all of you. But she will be retiring in a few years, so I will eventually be in the same boat as all of you are when that time comes. It will suck, but hopefully I will be more healed to handle that transition. I will most likely freak out and cry and panic though. I just hope she stays healthy and safe for a few years, and I'm hoping to be able to see her in person one day. I've not seen her since March 2020. I could see her anytime, but I'm too afraid of either of us getting Covid-19. I can't have that guilt on my shoulders. So, I do the isolation and video thing as a form of self-protection, other-protection, and civic duty.

Anyway, I'm struggling today with my blurred vision. It could be my 15% humidity (very low) causing dry eye, or it could be my thyroid, or it could be my prediabetes, or it could be a combo of them all, or it could be something else that has went undiagnosed. I am struggling a lot with that. It could also be that another alter is out with me, but sometimes I'm too dissociated to realize until the alter lets me know that they are out with me.

I'm weird.

Anyway, I hope you are doing okay today!

stahrgeyzer · Nov 27, 2021 at 06:21 PM

Thanks. I agree with all that.

I used to run away from therapy so often by canceling it forever that my 1st T made a deal with me that if I end therapy that we would have at least one final session. It worked great for her, but it didn't work for me on my suicide day when she called me at the psych ward to terminate me forever. When I got out of the ward I emailed her for closure, but to my shock she didn't reply. After two months of emailing her about a dozen times I finally gave up. Nobody will ever know how much trauma and pain that gave me. It was like my mom terminating me. The first 3 months that's all my mind would let me think about. It took about a year before it wasn't that painful. Maybe that sounds strange to most people. She just really cared for me and made me feel like someone actually thought I was worth saving. She could have prevented all of that by giving me a 5 minute phone call for closure.

Anyhow, online telehealth video therapy is awesome, IMO. At first I went in person with 1st T but then covid got bad so we started doing telehealth video. I actually like it a lot because it eases my anxiety. But I miss person to person therapy. My DID therapist made me see him in person. He was kind of far away.

Speaking of Ts, my system wants to do therapy again. Awhile back I was looking into IFS Ts and came across this lady. She called me on phone & seemed very enthusiastic to give me therapy. Only thing that concerns me is on her profile under Focus it says "faith-friendly/Christians." I'm not against religion, but since it was shoved down my throat like crazy in childhood it's something I don't want. Besides that she seems very nice, and she's level 3 IFS.

Audrey Davidheiser

Audrey Davidheiser | IFS Institute

Hope your vision is better!

I actually used like calling myself weird. After years of therapy I kinda want to be normal. It must be a product of therapy. :/

SprinkL3 · Nov 28, 2021 at 02:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

Thanks. I agree with all that.

I used to run away from therapy so often by canceling it forever that my 1st T made a deal with me that if I end therapy that we would have at least one final session. It worked great for her, but it didn't work for me on my suicide day when she called me at the psych ward to terminate me forever. When I got out of the ward I emailed her for closure, but to my shock she didn't reply. After two months of emailing her about a dozen times I finally gave up. Nobody will ever know how much trauma and pain that gave me. It was like my mom terminating me. The first 3 months that's all my mind would let me think about. It took about a year before it wasn't that painful. Maybe that sounds strange to most people. She just really cared for me and made me feel like someone actually thought I was worth saving. She could have prevented all of that by giving me a 5 minute phone call for closure.

Anyhow, online telehealth video therapy is awesome, IMO. At first I went in person with 1st T but then covid got bad so we started doing telehealth video. I actually like it a lot because it eases my anxiety. But I miss person to person therapy. My DID therapist made me see him in person. He was kind of far away.

Speaking of Ts, my system wants to do therapy again. Awhile back I was looking into IFS Ts and came across this lady. She called me on phone & seemed very enthusiastic to give me therapy. Only thing that concerns me is on her profile under Focus it says "faith-friendly/Christians." I'm not against religion, but since it was shoved down my throat like crazy in childhood it's something I don't want. Besides that she seems very nice, and she's level 3 IFS.

Audrey Davidheiser

Audrey Davidheiser | IFS Institute

Hope your vision is better!

I actually used like calling myself weird. After years of therapy I kinda want to be normal. It must be a product of therapy. :/

I, too, cannot stand religion being crammed down my throat. I have agnostic/spiritual beliefs, but I'd rather be free from institutional religion.

That said, the T's website stated that she was "friendly" to Christianity, which might mean that she is able to understand the Christian-based needs in counseling, though she might also be open (but not as well trained) in other religions or non-religious stances (such as agnosticism and atheism) as well. The best thing to do is inform her about your concerns and ask her what she meant by that. More often than not, it's really put there because she has experience as a spiritual counselor as well as a psychotherapist, but she may be ethically bound to respect all religions (though some counselors are not, so it is best to ask up front, such as those who are part of the LGBTQ+ community who have been turned away by "Christian" therapists - who are licensed to practice but are nonetheless putting religion over their private practice ethics that should be open to seeing all people in need or find a lower-paying position as a spiritual/Christian-based counselor instead, or do what this woman has done by declaring that as a stance, which may be her right in that jurisdiction). Either way, it is sad when religion and politics have infiltrated the ways in which we have access to mental health care (which is called "social determinants of health" in the social sciences that study diversity issues, cultural competency, critical race theory, privilege, inclusivity/inclusion, equity - over and against equality, etc.). There are many minorities by race, age, disability, sexual orientation, nationality, and religion/non-religion that have been turned away by therapists or have been mistreated by therapists. That becomes what victimologists call the "secondary victimization," in terms of both unsubstantiated and substantiated victimization traumas (including, but not limited to, harassment, discrimination, hate, bigotry, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, spiritual abuse, and even therapy abuse, medical traumas, medical malpractice, iatrogenic effects, etc.). Secondary victimization is a direct form of trauma (not to be confused with vicarious/secondary trauma, which are indirect forms of trauma that impact individuals nonetheless). When secondary victimization (i.e., retraumatization) occurs in the form of the therapeutic dyad among persons who were spiritually, religiously, or ritualistically abused, faith-based counselors will sometimes unintentionally and thus iatrogenically harm their clients with such histories of specific forms of trauma. Trauma heterogeneity hasn't been studied well enough to understand how the therapeutic dyad itself can lead to retraumatization and thus affecting the ways in which misdiagnoses happen, mistreatment happens, malpractice happens, and worsening conditions happen. Some people were so gaslit by spiritual counselors that they wound up with new symptoms that weren't there before, and the worsening of symptoms based on past traumas.

Like politics, religion ought not have a place in therapeutics or medicine. Religious tolerance is one thing, but promoting religion within private practice is another. For instance, self-soothing is a coping mechanism, and some people may use masturbation as a way to relieve stress. A Christian may see that as being "lasciviousness" and therefore a "sin" and something not to be spoken about or even tolerated in treatment for utilizing coping skills. Some people may even be diagnosed with a sexual dysfunction or paraphilic disorder because of a person's religious and/or political beliefs, especially when the clients are minorities and possibly seen as being more prone to things like "abortion" in the future. Sadly, there have been many people hurt in therapy from such types of conversations with therapists.

Another sad example is when certain therapists try to convert non-binary and non-heterosexual cases into binary and heterosexual ones. Conversion therapy has been banned, from what I believe, but the therapist may still bring about phrases and conversations that are tantamount to such therapies, or may even misdiagnose the person with some sort of odd behavior or otherwise "sin" if their political and/or religious beliefs have infiltrated their attitudes and their therapeutic approaches to minorities.

It would be helpful for more people to be trained in diversity, inclusivity, and equity, but those things are now controversial and therefore not as available in training arenas and/or grad school as they once were - albeit still rather scarce before politics have changed the ways in which therapists have been trained, and thus what has been made available to the growing number of minorities in communities such as the LGBTQ+ communities. Religious beliefs from the therapist should therefore not cause harm to their clients, and being exclusively available to only those willing to conform to the Christian way, or any other religious way for that matter, is excluding (not including) many clients who don't believe in that and will be inadvertently harmed by that if that means that their lack of assimilation to their therapist's cultural practices and religious or political beliefs will send a negative message to clients who are struggling with mental health concerns that involve direct challenges to certain religious beliefs and political practices among therapists. There have indeed been studies done on these scenarios, which largely include the ways in which structural violence has played a role in narrowed ecological systems.

Clients of any background should receive the same, good, effective level of care from therapists of any background. Politics and religion from the therapist should not influence how the therapist practices, even though the client may present what the client has experienced (but not the therapist). It is an area that psychology has been trying to advance, but there's now a dwindling of courses and training available to do so. Sadly.

Nov 28, 2021 at 09:03 AM

first off, great thread. I am glad this thread exists and that you have somewhere to vent (you have the entire forum to post in, but you know what I mean!)

therapy experiences for me have been more harmful than good, with one encouraging the negative thoughts, and one, rather than be supportive, told me that she was going to " break me"

I don't know what that meant, but it didn't last long

it was also hard to seek help when I lived with my mom, she hated me going to therapy- even threatening the therapists and scaring them in to dropping me as a client.

it's been hard..

Nov 28, 2021 at 09:05 AM

I am so annoyed with my experience of mental health care, and not just therapists, either

it seems to me that people just have no interest or respect for me

SprinkL3 · Nov 28, 2021 at 10:30 AM

@raging vortex

I'm so sorry that you've had really negative therapy experiences. I have, too. And, BTW, what your T said about "breaking" you sounds harsh. First, you're not a horse or some animal that needs to be broken. Second, unless you have a condition that warrants "attack therapy," she shouldn't be trying to "break you" (like they do in the military). Third, that therapist is no good; find another one.

In the meantime, this might help you feel validated and understood a little more. Author Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson penned a book called Against Therapy: Emotional Tyranny and the Myth of Psychological Healing. It might be worth checking out.

I still have yet to purchase the book and read it. I was going to, but then I found a really good therapist. I really lucked out. I haven't lost hope in therapists, but it was a battle for the past 2.5 decades (or 25 years)!

Hang in there.

Oh, and thanks for the complement on this thread. I try. I think I and my alters get ourselves in trouble sometimes for speaking our minds. We really have trouble following certain rules. We're trying, but we're kind of raw and angry at the moment - that is, pandemic trauma angry.

stahrgeyzer · Nov 28, 2021 at 10:50 AM

A T saying she/he is going to break you sounds crazy. That would be my last session there.

I think I'll hold off on therapy again.

Nov 30, 2021 at 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SprinkL3

@raging vortex

I'm so sorry that you've had really negative therapy experiences. I have, too. And, BTW, what your T said about "breaking" you sounds harsh. First, you're not a horse or some animal that needs to be broken. Second, unless you have a condition that warrants "attack therapy," she shouldn't be trying to "break you" (like they do in the military). Third, that therapist is no good; find another one.

In the meantime, this might help you feel validated and understood a little more. Author Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson penned a book called Against Therapy: Emotional Tyranny and the Myth of Psychological Healing. It might be worth checking out.

I still have yet to purchase the book and read it. I was going to, but then I found a really good therapist. I really lucked out. I haven't lost hope in therapists, but it was a battle for the past 2.5 decades (or 25 years)!

Hang in there.

Oh, and thanks for the complement on this thread. I try. I think I and my alters get ourselves in trouble sometimes for speaking our minds. We really have trouble following certain rules. We're trying, but we're kind of raw and angry at the moment - that is, pandemic trauma angry.

I'm sorry about the late response (thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, depression) all really difficult this time of year- I'm spending christmas alone, so it's extra hard... I don't have a family. how many people can actually say that. that they don't have a family that wants you

anyway thanks for the reply and I will check out that book.
validation is such an important word isn't it in mental health care and treatment, but I'm starting to wonder if validation is.. well, beyond my reach

10 therapists later and I'm still ****ing suffering. now worse than ever.

no family, no friends.. I might see if the wall wants to talk about it

SprinkL3 · Nov 30, 2021 at 11:55 AM

@raging vortex

I'm so sorry you are so lonely. I know it's not the same to say you have us online here, or you're not alone in the struggle; I know how it feels to still feel that lonely when no one is available.

I'm alone for Christmas (and most holidays). I've been alone most of my adulthood life. My family rejects me often, too.

((((safe hugs)))))

I wish there were a safe land for us all to go to and live with one another, free from harm, just nothing but love, caring for one another, so that none of us are alone. No toxicity, no politics, no nothing but a really peaceful place. I suppose that's my fantasy, but I still wish that for all of us. We've lived a life of real hurt, and it is tough to feel this way a lot.

We do hear you and acknowledge your pain. We hope your T is kinder to you, or you find a new, better T.

Hang in there.

stahrgeyzer · Nov 30, 2021 at 12:29 PM

Loneliness sucks but I'd rather be alone than be with earth humans. My sister bugs me to go to all kinds of family meetings. Past few years I use the covid virus as an excuse to not go.

You guys may like being with humans but hate it!

stahrgeyzer · Nov 30, 2021 at 12:31 PM

When I see an an animal, a dog, cat, even a squire I feel like crying with happiness. I feel love with them. They're defenseless victims against earth human evil sickness.

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Anonymous32451 Guest Posts: n/a	Nov 28, 2021 at 09:05 AM #14 I am so annoyed with my experience of mental health care, and not just therapists, either it seems to me that people just have no interest or respect for me
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stahrgeyzer Magnate Member Since Feb 2018 Location: literally hell Posts: 2,331 6 5,648 hugs given	Nov 28, 2021 at 10:50 AM #16 A T saying she/he is going to break you sounds crazy. That would be my last session there. I think I'll hold off on therapy again.
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stahrgeyzer Magnate Member Since Feb 2018 Location: literally hell Posts: 2,331 6 5,648 hugs given	Nov 30, 2021 at 12:29 PM #19 Loneliness sucks but I'd rather be alone than be with earth humans. My sister bugs me to go to all kinds of family meetings. Past few years I use the covid virus as an excuse to not go. You guys may like being with humans but hate it!
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stahrgeyzer Magnate Member Since Feb 2018 Location: literally hell Posts: 2,331 6 5,648 hugs given	Nov 30, 2021 at 12:31 PM #20 When I see an an animal, a dog, cat, even a squire I feel like crying with happiness. I feel love with them. They're defenseless victims against earth human evil sickness.
	Reply With Quote