Me

Breaking Dawn

Thank you, @stahrgeyzer, for a really good post. I hope you do find that special family. That would be wonderful. And your visualization of a farm sounds healthy. I use the visualization for many things, since childhood actually. Maybe it's possibly a form of daydreaming, but for me extremely valuable. It even is healing, in a spiritual way. Anyway, good luck with everything you're doing! I'm always wishing the best for you. Oh, & say hi to Sally for me?

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"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller)

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stahrgeyzer

Thanks Breaking Dawn! I told Sally you said hi

stahrgeyzer

Today is my 3 week celebration of not being suicidal and since hearing the voice that said "You will be purged," which caused an unimaginable amount of non-stop sneezing.

The present me can't even comprehend who that person was. I have the memories, but it seems and feels like a horror nightmare and not real. About 17 years of suicidal hell.

I was professionally diagnosed by a veteran psychologist with DID. He was really good, had a lot of passion for helping people and made a lot of effort to help me. Not perfect, but definitely the best overall psychologist I saw. I wonder what he would say about my recent experience.

stahrgeyzer

Update 1: Five minutes ago I was hearing a hateful voice and tried to expel it. As I type this now I'm going through non stop sneezing spells. Same thing happened yesterday.

Update 2: I feel like I'm going through the chrysalis stage turning into a butterfly. Two days ago while driving to my mom & dad's I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of being the person I was several decades ago. It was such a happy feeling of freedom, but it was the weirdest feeling ever. It felt like I've been asleep for decades. I was then hit hit with the overwhelming realization that this was true happiness and that it is possible to be that happy again. I spent the night at mom & dad's. It was hot and couldn't fall asleep so I got up and was walking around in the pitch dark living room and suddenly was hit was the overwhelming feelings of how I felt when I was a young child exploring a new world. It felt so amazing and joyous!

A lifetime study of my life experiences has brought me to the most important discovery that whatever sustains this reality has the need to push our buttons, if you will, for whatever reasons. It could be some type of school, idk. But one thing it doesn't seem to like is my recent realization for the need to be unattached to this reality, to not react emotionally. It's like it feeds off of pain and emotions. And then this morning it occurred to me that all of this is found in the world religions and teachings. It is the very foundations of Buddhism, foundations that are free of dogma and religion, where it teaches to not be attached. It is found in the Abrahamic religions where it teaches the devil fell from heaven and is presently the ruler of this world. I don't think our little brains can comprehend the nature of reality or what produces this reality, but we can get sense of what is happening. How one views their life doesn't have to be bad. Be in the world, but not of the world. Don't feed it. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

Breaking Dawn

That's very interesting, stahrgeyzer. A lot to think about.

__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller)

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stahrgeyzer

Today's my 1 month 31 day celebration of being free from suicidal ideation & suicidal planning after the purge. The changes can only be described as a miracle because I can't even begin to describe how different I am. I even see humans in a completely different positive way. It's not that humanity is evil. They're just learning and growing. Surely one day I'll make friends with people like me.


About 8 months ago I moved from California to Missouri and have hated every nano second of it, but due to financial issues thought I was stuck here for at least a few years. Thanks to not being a million percent depressed and suicidal and drained I'm so happy to have found a way to move back to Cali in 2 to 3 monthsand will be making money.

Thank you to the angel who purged me!!!!

Breaking Dawn

How wonderful, stahrgeyzer!! I'm so very happy for you!! Congratulations!!

__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller)

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Masks2many

Tender hearted, seeing much, helpless in fixing. I am not God, nor am I in charge of the world, town, or block, just one soul in a broken world. That's what I tell myself a lot because media makes me aware of more than I can emotionally handle. Minute by minute, I can relate to what is around me, make a difference, bring ease to my own heart and sometimes another...the only reality worth living.

Fuzzybear

I love the quote by Gandhi, thanks for sharing

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Fuzzybear

Welcome to the dissociative disorders forum on msf. I hope you find being here helpful

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Fuzzybear

Yep. We don't know enough about the plant world. We can't exist without them, for sure.

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stahrgeyzer

40 days since the purge event and feeling as whole and healthy as I was about 30 years ago.

Breaking Dawn

It's like a miracle, isn't it!

__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller)

* * * * * *

stahrgeyzer

I haven't been purged for a long time. I can feel them crawling everywhere inside of me but I don't care anymore.

stahrgeyzer

We're doing good lately. Was there a huge solar flare that hit Earth a few days ago. Was wondering if anyone felt a massive jolt to their forehead. I've never felt anything like it before. It was like a lightning bolt hit our forehead. TBH it felt exactly like a DID switch except 100 times stronger leaving our forehead in pain for awhile. Our eyes instantly rolled back so hard they also hurt afterwards and our jaw / teeth snapped shut nearly almost biting our tongue. There may have been missing time as well which is the scariest part because a lot of us know there are ones inside who are sneaky, disturbed persecutors who are filled with trauma and anger.


No more purging and we feel there's no more need. The remaining ones are parts / alters, not parasites / spirits possessing the body. Most of us have accepted our condition. Some are getting concerned because our condition seems to be slowly getting more noticeable with much quicker personality changes and faster switching but at least most of the time we have memory. It seems the parts who have their own memory switch at night.

stahrgeyzer

Anyone ever have a cuckoo alter? This is first time ever someone fronted and started making loud sharp funny sounds. Maybe it was a little. We have lots of them.

stahrgeyzer

I'm doing better for now but don't feel like typing much. Feels so dissociated and like I've been asleep for weeks. Take care, Paul

stahrgeyzer

I feel like too many people right now...

stahrgeyzer

Often I wonder why I've been diagnosed with so many disorders and I had the thought that maybe it's common with DID because of having so many alters.

Little Paul has been fronting a LOT lately. He helps us so much because of his curious jolly personality but like most of us he's very shy.

stahrgeyzer

Wish I or is it we knew who I was but truth is it's mostly a mystery. I haven't had therapy in over a year but things would change. My DID T wanted us to integrate. This system was afraid. But that's what most of this system wants now. We now see DID in a more academic sense. At least in the way my DID T did. He called us parts. We're really one mind, but shattered in countless pieces. We want to be whole again!