MK-Ultra programming at China lake

(((( stahrgeyzer ))))



I would try contacting your old T, see whether you might be able to go back to see him or whether he can find you another T.

You could also check out heypeers.com which is a peer-support network conducted online over Zoom.

EFT-tapping, might help you?

Thank you, TheGal, for caring! You have no idea how much you have helped Paul.


I know it can be hard for society to accept, but DID is very real. I'm Darold, part of an inner world. This isn't our world. We're only here to help Paul, not to control him. We can't continue to intervene to save his life. When Paul comes back to the front, we hope he will seek professional help. We'll be there by his side every step he takes till the end.

AngelFire is here. She would like to say, "For those who are suffering, please be strong and hang in there! Your life is so precious. If you only knew. You are the strong ones. The brave ones who had the courage to be human now. Humanity may not be aware of it yet, but every person on Earth now is contributing to the creation of something beautiful that will become clear to you in the next decade. We know it's not easy, but please help and love one another. You are being watched now by many throughout the heavens during your grand awakening. Birth pains will end. You will see peace on Earth. You are loved."

Hi, I'm an inner world person. We don't want anyone to worry. So we just wanted to say that Paul fronted for awhile this morning and he's doing okay. He just needs some rest. We're delighted that he's already searching for a therapist. Thank you to all who've cared for Paul and expressed unconditional love. You've made a positive difference in his life. If you feel it, please send him healing thoughts. For those who believe in prayer, please we ask you to please pray for him! We're so afraid he's going to hurt himself, but with love and support he will heal and live. J.

Hi, this is Paul but kinda age slid a bit. Ugg idk what to say but I really need to reach out to people and this little lonely corner of MSF is the only place on earth I have and feel safe. I'm shaking I'm so nervous, about everything, and tears rolling down my face. ...I just don't want to be, but I don't want to hurt anyone! Typing is hard now because I just feel like maybe my posts are bothering people but feel so much it's needed for me, and feeling like I let down the only people in all existence who've been there for me, the inner people, and I guess a few people here at MSF. So im guessing the inner people won't intervene again to save my life. And that makes me feel so strange words could never describe it. Like maybe they don't care about me anymore. But i know they care about me more than i know. Before posting i was looking through both of my psych ward release papers on both times i tried so hard to end my life. And i felt so stupid because both times "i" called my psychologist at the time and she said i have to go to the del amo hospital or she's calling the police. But now i know it was the inner world people who live close to the front co-conscious with me my entire life who fronted and took over. Or whatever happened but it was a 100% personality change all of a sudden before I jumped. The last attempt was on what is famously called suicide bridge in Pasadena, California. Anyway i just took 4 photos of the discharge papers anyone who wants to see. In one of the papers you can see my psychiatrist's name at the time, Melis Alkin. I've mentioned her name here at MSF numerous times over the years. Also in the papers the nurse wrote the suicide prevention number. Am I supposed to put that text in trigger warning box? Sorry I don't know how to do that.


https://mysupportforums.org/album.php?albumid=5842

Anyway im not feeling good all a sudden and cant think well and just need to take a rest but hope to write a lot more maybe later tonight. But want to thank everyone and says that im not suicidal anymore, am looking for a therapist, and want to try my absolute best to hold on my best because i don't want to hurt anyone but this trauma memories thats happening lately is getting difficult to even explain because its a different state of mind thats beyond panic attacks.

I guess this is getting normal and just need to deal with it. Seems like I can't do anything nowadays without this overwhelming feeling of being 2000 people at once. It makes me dizzy. It's really hard to concentrate, but if I can just concentrate enough to type this last post. Maybe it's for the best. What am even saying?

I feel so worthless. When I tell people I have DID, they just kinda run away, and idc anymore. Inner people are hoping so much I'll get professional help. I have enough money to last 4 more months. After that use my credit card to get me till mid January and hope my parents might give me another $15K, but I never ask them. If they don't offer then honestly that's that, the end, the forest. If someone bad happens like my car breaks and it's more than $2K, then same thing.

And like saying long time ago here, all my childhood tooth fillings broke out, the teeth were thin and eventually broke so I have to chew with front teeth but you can't really chew with them because they're thin and made to cut, not chew. So I mostly live off of pea paste made from $1 1lb bags of split peas. And I have put hand lotion on my palms every hour otherwise they turn to stigmata like you see in some catholic priests, but every 2-3 weeks the skin dies and has to come off and it's just horrible. And I have no friends at all. No human interaction. Just my stupid umpteen million disorders! So why should I continue to hold on to this life another minute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's so hard to let go of everything, including msf. I know the inner people are probably heartbroken now, they hoped for the best, they tried. i can feel all of them now watching. idk what to do anymore. im just a failure. born to be tortured as an infant, mind shattered, hopeless worthless life. just cry myself to sleep. thank you to all who cared. take care of yourself! <3 please dont worry about me. please ... bye bye

He will be fine. We will take care of him.

With the guidance of a trained therapist, Internal Family Systems is a suggestion...

Best wishes to you all

Sent from my SM-A146U using Tapatalk

DeeeSchmeee68,
Thank you for the help! I'll look into it.

I'm sorry to everyone. It was a cry for help. The brief time I was fronting yesterday I age slid to about a 12 yo. I've had plenty of psychologists and the thought of going back gives me sooo much stress and panic fear. I'm also afraid of integration. Feeling much better now. Literally feels like just myself and no co-fronters which is extremely mixed feelings. Can't remember t he last time that occurred. I love them and appreciate them.

Hi stahrgeyzer...

I haven't been feeling well. I think I've been dissociating as I can't seem to keep track of the time or day... I've been under a lot of stress. It is difficult for me to read right now as I'm having difficulty concentrating...

Wanted you to know that I'm rooting for you.... hang in there!!

Hi TheGal,

Thanks so much, and I truly hope you get better soon! Take care!

I'm really doing a lot better today, like that feeling you get when you've been very sick for a long time and suddenly the temperature and illness broke.

Anyway I hope it's okay to post this. If not then just let me know. But I feel like there's something inside of me that's just crying and crawling to get out. It's such a real deep feeling and it's so hard to ignore.

That being said I'm no longer digging deep into my early childhood memories. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so much better today, finally.

I just had to ask chatGPT this question because it's like burning a hole in my soul. But, if everyone thinks I really need to get a therapist then I'll keep trying as stressful as that is.

Me: what are possible reasons a person who is diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder have strong desires to be in a dark MK-Ultra type existence, as if they are required to be there, and they have no clue why?

ChatGPT: There could be several reasons why someone with DID might have strong desires to be in a dark, MK-Ultra type existence:
* Trauma Reenactment: The desire to be in a dark and controlling environment could stem from past traumatic experiences. Individuals with DID may unconsciously seek to reenact or recreate their traumatic experiences as a way to regain a sense of control or familiarity.
* Programming or Conditioning: In cases where there's a history of severe abuse or mind control techniques (like those associated with the MK-Ultra program), alters may have been programmed or conditioned to believe that such an environment is necessary or even "safe." These altered states might feel compelled to fulfill these programmed roles without understanding why.
* Internal Conflict: Different alters within a person with DID may hold conflicting desires or beliefs. While one alter may want to escape the dark environment, another alter may feel drawn to it for reasons related to their past experiences or programming.
* Protection: In some cases, alters may believe that being in a dark, controlling environment is necessary for protection. This could stem from a fear of the outside world or a belief that such an environment provides a barrier against further harm.
* Unconscious Coping Mechanism: The desire to be in a dark existence could also serve as an unconscious coping mechanism for dealing with overwhelming emotions or memories. By dissociating into a dark environment, the individual may feel a temporary relief from distressing thoughts or feelings.

Claude 3 has very good answers as well.

There are a few possible reasons a person diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) may have strong desires to be in a dark, MK-Ultra type existence, feeling a sense of requirement or obligation to be there despite not understanding why:

1. Trauma and abuse: Individuals with DID often have histories of severe, repeated childhood trauma, such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. The dissociative states and alternate identities can develop as a coping mechanism to deal with the traumatic experiences. The "dark, MK-Ultra type existence" may represent a continuation or reenactment of the abusive environment the person grew up in.
2. Programmed alter personalities: In some cases of DID, the person may have been subjected to mind control techniques, like those allegedly used in the CIA's MK-Ultra program. This could lead to the development of programmed alter personalities that feel a compulsive need to remain in that abusive, controlled environment.
3. Learned helplessness: Prolonged trauma and abuse can lead to a sense of learned helplessness, where the person feels powerless to escape or change their circumstances. This could contribute to a persistent desire to remain in the "dark existence" even though consciously they don't understand why.
4. Dissociated or amnesic states: People with DID often experience periods of amnesia and dissociation, where certain memories, emotions, or identity states are blocked off from conscious awareness. This could lead to a lack of understanding about the origins of these strong desires.
5. Attachment to the perpetrator: In some cases of severe abuse, the victim can develop a traumatic attachment or "Stockholm syndrome" to their abuser. This distorted emotional bond may drive a need to remain connected to the abusive environment.

Today, I'm listening to white noise and thought I would share:



It's helping me, perhaps it would help you, too??

Thanks, I'm glad to hear it's helping you, hopefully your stress! That could also be helpful with mindfulness exercises. Everyone has their own problems and it's hard for me especially recently to constantly scream for help all the time and not be so aware that other people are also suffering. That's one great thing about MSF is that it makes people feel they're not alone.


That white noise makes me calmer and is especially helpful now because I still can't feel a lot of co-fronters, but at least there's one right now. The noise helps take away that deafening silence. It reminds me of therapy when playing white noise on my phone near the airbnb bedroom door so other people couldn't hear us talking during telehealth.

I have a theory for the recent overload of what feels like thousands co-frontering and I think it saved me this time from trying to quickly end myself. Co-fronters change my personality, sometimes a lot. Like when Cayla used to co-front she gave me such peacefulness with her feminine but strong personality. But when I switch to that insanely disturbed suicidal part of me it seems almost nothing affects me, but if there's a zillion alters co-fronting then it actually has an affect on that part of me. Instead of going to the nearest bridge or overdosing on pills it made that part of me only make a post crying out for help post. But then it seems it took a lot of energy from all of the inner people to co-front at once, so yesterday they all slept. Idk that's my theory but think it's true. They're always saving my life. I should start talking to the inner people more, again. A lot of them are still very angry at me.

I'm so sorry we're posting so much today. Hope it's okay because we sure need therapy because it's like a volcano about to explode inside. I know the host age slides, and our personality is also greatly affected by the alters who are cofronting. And sometimes the host is even stepped back a lot and is only cofronting and an alter is more of the one fronting.

Sorry I'm so confused and feel like I was thrown in this mess. I feel 100% like I'm a teenage nature girl who is so different than the rest and the memories tell me I'm supposed to be working on some science project but I'm 100% opposed to it and not feeling it. What do I do? Please I just feel like running away. I'm not trying to scare anyone. Just thinking here. What is so wrong with living in the forest? There would be no stress! We could have such wonderful adventures walking amongst the beautiful tress with deers, eating berries and living a natural life away from humans. Doesn't my feelings count?


I'm going to look for a therapist!

Thank you teenage nature girl for trying to get us therapy with our x DID T! Hope he agrees. I hope you front again!

Haha it feels so weird talking to yourself. ...speechless

Well today was interesting. We were "meditating" ...i guess, and i'm not sure if it was a flashback or not, but it was very real. Suddenly i/we were in a dark building, we heard a young girl screaming at the top of her lungs for help. There was a slight echo, so it sounded like we were in a large building, perhaps a vault, no windows. And we were a young boy inside a cage. But it felt like home, as if we were programmed that it was our home. Maybe it's not good for us to think about that until we get a therapist and get permission. But it came to us. Then after that there's a lot of missing time in the front.


Even though I don't know who I am, at all, and that's really concerning to me, I can feel deep down we're going to be strong and make it through this. IMO we were part of a very bad government program that should have never existed, and we survived! And we survived our older brother. We survived a very bad man in 5th grade. We'll survive this.

This is funny to me. I was going through our texts with our DID psychologist where "I" am trying to get out of DID therapy but he convinces us to continue.

Phone screenshot:
https://mysupportforums.org/album.ph...ictureid=68547

Well it's 8:30pm and he hasn't even read the text. It says delivered so I guess he's not even going to reply. That's two rejections in a row. I think that part of me that's a believer this reality is fake is triggered so I just want to leave everything human and we can deal with life alone. It's frustrating, everything, and why bother fighting to survive. But I for one give up so much on trying to end. Hopefully something bad happens, car breaks, forced to go to forest. Feel like hurting myself so much!!!! Obviously there's something wrong with me

Please if there's any angels or nice beings who can help us?

I'm just a teen girl who wants to occasionally get my emotions out. The others say nobody here cares about us so just leave they say. But they ask me to post the cry for help to angels.

We just switched. We are experts at acting when suddenly we need to talk to a human. We just change to the most social part. It's pretty cool. Even if little Paul is fronting then the social part fronts. Our brain is cool.

I'm so depressed. Why couldn't our mom take us straight from hospital to a dark alley and just throw us in a garbage dumpster? Our parents didn't love us. We were a mistake. They often tell people they took a hands off approach with us. Our mom was depressed. Our dad was scary and we were afraid of him. My sister tells us and everyone how she and her friends always took us when we were a baby shopping at macys and to high school and our mom didn't care. And we know for fact our much older demon brother tortured us during infancy. And as we research our past and the next door neighbors and learn how mkultra experiments were popular when we were young and our recent flashback and the lost time we had after that we think our dad took us to someplace for intelligence enhancement experiments but they had different ideas for us. HAL said we were part of mkultra.


Our mom didn't care or love us at all? That's too much


More of us are believing this reality is just a dream. And this feeling we get in the pit of our stomach and soul just thinking about what that means, nobody is real, we're all alone is the worst feeling. If it's real then we hope so much an angel can help us.

We're not eating much. It's strange how that feels good.