[Kendyll]

The past couple of days have been kinda stressful for my BF, so there's been a lot more switching. So far we're all pretty cool...Last night I witnessed something I hadn't seen before. They've been trying to tell me, but I didn't understand. Now I do.

Jon and Jonathan have both told me that Jonny ("The Kid", as they call him) is a lot more powerful that I'd ever believe. I know that he was the one who took most of the abuse in the past, and I thought they meant emotionally strong/resilient. Umm, that too. Jonny and i were talking last night, and he didn't really want to step back quite yet...and he got angry. Except his isn't anger. It sounds more like Rage. There was a COMPLETE change... The other two are scared of that side of him, and I can understand a little why. That raw aggressive power made me nervous, too.

From what everyone's been able to tell me, Jonny is...master...of fear and insecurity and rage. Most of the time, he's quiet and shy and nervous. When he feels that anyone's being threatened, the pent-up rage takes over and he...I can't even describe it. He's the REAL Protector.

I don't want to be afraid - this is still the man I love. But to be honest, hearing that voice and seeing the look in his eyes frightened me. I don't ever want to be on the wrong side of him like that. I understand better now, and I want to understand.

[wanttoheal]

It's understandable that there would be such raging anger inside. Generally (though I've been told by others not always), DID is caused by some pretty rotten yucky stuff.

I hope he will be able to get to a T soon. It's really something a professional needs to deal with. Keep yourself safe.

[Kendyll]

I guess I'm not really surprised, either. I don't know the whole story (never will) but what I know is bad enough. I know he wouldn't have fractured if he hadn't needed to. And it makes sense to me that the youngest one would have the rage. I mean, with "normal" people, adults don't rage like children do. In theory, people learn to manage and regulate their anger as they grow up. Not too surprising (if I think about it) that the youngest one may not have learned that. Jonny is an adolescent, and rage can also be the realm of teenage boys.

How do I keep myself safe?
I don't want to be afraid. I still love him and trust him. I don't want to be afraid, but this side of him could hurt me. Would hurt me if I make the wrong mistake. Jonathan told me that this side of Jonny is the one who "delivers punishment. He's ruthless, merciless and relentless". But he doesn't come out without "damn good reason".
How do I keep myself safe?
How do I know I am safe?
How do I help him be safe?

[Atredies]

I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm dealing with the same stuff for my wife. She is scared of one side of me, that apparently threatend major harm to her should she mess up again. From my perspective I have told her many times, if this side comes out and attempts anything that she should do whatever she has to do protect herself. I would encourage your love and support to continue, but do not put yourself into harms way.

[Kendyll]

Well, at least we aren't alone.
If you learn anything else, would you let me know?

I'm just trying to understand and I understand Jonny a whole lot better now. When he's calm, he tells me I'm the first person to ever want to be his friend. They're so lonely, all of them. I just love him. It's not hard.

[Kendyll]

I found out where Jonny came from. He was "born" in a really nasty car accident he was in when Jon was about 12. Over a dozen reconstructive surgeries and a year or more of rehab before he could walk on his own again. He's still got scars and a limp...and that's when Jonny came. He handled the accident. He was the one lying on the ground in a pool of blood...He protected Jon then and ever since. He was the first alter and he's been around a lot longer than anyone else thought. Poor kid has really been through the wringer.

I'm not scared of him anymore. I've got a lot of respect for him(!) and I have no intent or desire to cross him, but I'm not afraid of him now. Neither is Jon, since Jonny told us his story. Jonathan is scared, though. Why would he be scared of part of himself?

Jonathan and Jonny were watching Jon dream last night. I could hear them talking about it. I think it was a good thing. Jonny is starting to understand about love and friendship. He just never understood before because he didn't believe in it because he never experienced it.

On another note, Jonathan wants to go out on a "date" with me. At first, I thought it might be an OK idea...but now I'm not sure. They are all the man I love, but they still don't all get along. Jonathan has told me before that he's been fighting Jon recently because he wants to spend more time with me. We thought setting aside some time just for him might help, but I wonder if that might not make the conflict worse. I mean, what if he decides he doesn't want to give up? Any suggestions?

[Kendyll]

OH, Jonny is growing up fast - too fast.
He was 17 on Saturday and he was 23 last night. Then back to 12, then 15 then 23 again. The switching is getting more intense, too. They're fighting more.
I'm worried.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((Kendyll))))))))))) Is his friend, who is a therapist, helping at all?

[Kendyll]

I don't think so. I don't know.
I don't think so.

Last night was calm again. Mondays are usually the worst.
Now that Jonny is getting older, I'm having a harder time telling he and Jon apart.

[wanttoheal]

If Jonny is getting older, maybe the brain overall is healing and integrating?

I'm glad last night was calm. I wish for many more calm days for you all.