I am so confused. I posted this a few weeks ago i think. Before i went to therapy i was unaware of DID or anything like it. I know there is a very hurt child inside of me still, she sometimes writes poems or posts but i am aware she is around, my t calls this co-consciousness .... but in my life i am so paranoid, hyper sensitive, touchy, think that it's my fault when something goes wrong. Then i have days or hours when i go into auto mask (i call it)to help me cope with people, situations ... i still have to rely on friends and my kids to go places with me i am slightly agraphobic ..... i do leave the house, but i cant go on public transport by myself or shopping i just wonder if there are several different parts to me. I really dont know who i am anymore . I can get up and sing in front of loads of people, yet i cant get on a bus why cant i just be easy going, sorry this is in no way meant to offend anyone at all, just my thoughts on myself. In my whole life i hav never been so confused. Maybe there aren't any more of me, maybe there are a few, i just dont know anymore. I numb out so much, this weekend we were at a music festival with a group of friends we dont know too well, and my best friends. When i was talking i was going off .... but this woman is quite controlling with her family and makes sly underhand comments a lot (not just me that noticed this)i feel she is not a good person to have around right now but i dont want to hurt her feelings .... she has M E and is in a wheelchair most of the time. Her kids are lovely and so is her hubby, they all run around after her all the time yet she can be so cutting to them .....

Going off topic here, but she reminded me of my mum in her ways and that's why i was numbing out a lot i think. sigh

Sometimes i wish things were easier ... but then a lot of people are worse off than me i know that ..... just, oh i dont know what i'm trying to say ..... my mind knows but my mouth doesnt ...... Jin

[JudeeB]

You very well may have more than one other part. And that is OK.

My advice is to relax. The more I was fearful and struggled in my mind with acceptance the worse it felt.

I've said this before and may many more times. If we have alters or parts it's a coping mechanism we developed to get through something painful or frightening. It's not BAD. It's just how our minds found to get through something when we were too young to even have a say in it.

For me the worse thing was treating the parts as enemies instead of getting to know them and appreciating what they did for me. They needed t and healing and thankfully I was able to do that for them.

I had a wonderful artist named Emily. She integrated and no matter what the books say I did not become the artist she was.

I also have one named Jynx who is great at public speaking and I am so glad she chose not to integrate because her talents help in what I do in recovery groups.

It is all very confusing and for me it was that way for years in t but it finally made sense and I was blessed with a T who knew what to do. May you be gentle with yourself during your journey. You are not bad or crazy or any of those negative labels. You are very special and things can get better.

Judee and Company

((((((((((((((((((Judee)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thankyou for replying ...... yes i see where you are coming from. Your advice is very good, i do need to relax a little. The trouble with me is that i want everything yesterday, ie recovery, peace, healing ..... my T told me to slow down. I've seen her today ..... she also said i probably have a few 'others', it makes sense looking back. The only one i'[m really aware of is a younger me, around 8/9 when the abuse started but i tend to act like a teenager a lot sad but true .....

please take care and ty so much, hugs, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((jinny)))))))))) Hang in there.