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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: east of the sun, west of the moon
Posts: 2,259
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Nov 30, 2008 at 03:09 PM
#1
my spouse is on a business trip and the house feels too empty with a wild wind blowing coldly outside and the too quiet home around me.
my sweet in-laws invited me to drive to stay with them for a few days in oklahoma. i feel bad that i do not want to drive there by myself and stay and then drive home again by myself. i feel like a coward and i am angry with me because i remind myself of my mom and that is NOT a good thing to me. she refused to travel. she made it to my marriage but never again traveled to see me even when i had my babies and needed help so much. i'm afraid even though i know nothing that bad is going to happen to me if i travel for 4 hours away from home. i'm getting older and seeing now how much of my life has been stolen and sacrificed to my past, burned up on the altar of abuse. i'm getting older and now i see how much time i lost while i kept thinking "soon" or "later on" or "not now". if i do not change the next trip might be the one where i just get old and die like a potted plant withered in some corner of the room. i don't want to end my life with a sigh; i'd like to go out like fireworks - sparkle, heat and a small glow after. leslie and her pixies __________________   HEALING HAPPENS
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,438
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Nov 30, 2008 at 04:42 PM
#2
(((((((((((( leslie and all ))))))))))))))
sending warmth 
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 multipixie9
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Moderator
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Member Since Feb 2005
Location: Southwest of Northeast
Posts: 33,346
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Dec 01, 2008 at 08:35 AM
#3
(((((((((((( Leslie & Pixies )))))))))))))))))
 I think there are many folks out there that think they wasted some of their lives waiting to do something....unsure of what or how....maybe waiting for something better to surface. I know I did that for a long time myself. Learning to take chances is not an easy thing to do. Just remember one important thing my friend....we do what we can to the best of our abilities. If something doesn't work and we want to change it, then taking small, safe steps to make that change can feel so good....like we're finally accomplishing something. Sometimes we even have to change our course along the way and that's ok too. Please don't be too hard on yourself hon. Make a plan....but keep it loose enough to make changes to it if need be. Don't box yourself in with absolutes....that's when it gets more difficult   sabby |
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multipixie9
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Elder
Member Since Mar 2004
Location: Running on the wheel
Posts: 5,681
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Dec 01, 2008 at 09:50 AM
#4
((((((((( multipixies )))))))))))
Implementing changes are hard ... and 4 hrs is a long way to travel when you don't normally go out, so maybe to build up the confidence maybe you could start by choosing a place on the map to visit (an hr away) and drive there ... then somewhere 2hrs away ... etc, so you get used to driving further distances. This would build up your confidence, you'd feel you were doing something, and you will be able to drive those 4 hrs ... when you're ready 
__________________ That's why it's such a serious thing to ask a Centaur to stay for the weekend. A very serious thing indeed. - The Silver Chair |
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multipixie9
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: east of the sun, west of the moon
Posts: 2,259
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Dec 01, 2008 at 04:03 PM
#5
 (((((((fuzzybear)))))) (((((((sabby))))))) ((((((((silverqueen))))))) thank you for your comforting words and kind support. it helps so much and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy and i like you a lot!!! me an the pixies!   
__________________ HEALING HAPPENS
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Wise Elder
Member Since Aug 2005
Posts: 8,106
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Dec 01, 2008 at 10:06 PM
#6
((((((((((((((((((Leslie and the Pixies))))))))))))))))))))))) Maybe it doesn't seem like it to you but you have been adventuring out more since you have joined PC. Maybe not physically but you are gaining so much inner strength in yourself. That is quite an adventure in my book. Possibly now you can look at expanding that to outside issues such as travel, hobbies or whatever you find yourself interested in. I am sorry that you feel so much of your life has been wasted. You have become the warm, compassionate person partially because of your past. Please don't selll yourself short. The "soon" or "later on" or "not now" are things that you can work on. After all you have recognized them now. Maybe try one small thing and build on it. Maybe pick the thing that you most want to do and feel capable of doing right now. Then another and another until you feel more satisfied with your life. You are not out of time; your just beginning. I hope you find some things that bring you happiness.
BB __________________  |
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multipixie9
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Magnate
Member Since Jul 2008
Location: east of the sun, west of the moon
Posts: 2,259
16 |
Dec 02, 2008 at 08:33 AM
#7
thank you bipolar bear, you have given me some things to think about. a lot of things have been going on inside of my mind and maybe things are about to expand externally too.
i ran across some information online here that i think may help, something i had never thought of before. there is a book called something like "the highly sensitive person". i think this book is going to give me some new info and perspective on how to better accomplish self-care for me and my alts. i ordered the book and workbook, used online from amazon.com and it makes sooo much sense to me. i was derided for sensitivity as a child and my family sort of tried to slap the "weakness" out of me. i honestly think that i have been too harsh with myself, attributing my sensitivity to weakness, lack of recovery, character flaws. plus i am very excited by another book on a related subject that may explain some things about my youngest daughter that have puzzled me her whole life and puzzled her too. it is sort of related, the book is "too hard, too bright, too loud, too tight" - what to do if you are sensory defensive. i am so happy i ran across this because she and i have privately been discussing her traits that we thought were vaguely "autistic" and they fit into this books explanation. so we both may get some psych. insight and relief for Christmas this year...LOL! i am so happy about this that i am sort of giddy about this - of course that may also be because i have missed my last two nights of sleep because phil is gone. i am never really relaxed when he leaves the country....silly me. ok, i'm off my rant and blathering now. it's nice to be happily rambling on for a change. have a good tuesday!!! leslie and happy pixies ! __________________ HEALING HAPPENS
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Legendary
Member Since Oct 2004
Posts: 10,842
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Dec 04, 2008 at 11:03 AM
#8
((((((((((((((((Pixies)))))))))))))))))
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multipixie9
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