[Dgutes]

Hello Everyone,

I am a 24 year old male, with a 26 year old brother. Our mom has a dissociative disorder. She has had it for years, worked with many different doctors and been to various clinics. She regularly goes to therapy and takes meds. Her disorder was discovered while recovering from bulemia and annorexia.

My questions is how hard to push my mom to recover. The whole family has been very hands off with my mom. We listen to her and engadge in constructive dialogue when she wants to speak more detailed about it. Otherwise, we just treat her regularly and respect her privacy.

For years she has required a lot of time alone and has always been extrememly sensitive and emotionally fragile. She has missed many occasions due to her illness including missing her own fathers funeral. Now my big brother is getting married and she has been avoiding meeting his fiances parents. This has been ongoing and has frustrated my brother and soon to be wife, though they generally keep it to themselves in order not to set off my mom. My mom is very sweet and loving.

About one month ago, mom commited to a lunch in, where the parents would finally meet after many failed attempts. Now it is two days away and my mom is trying to pull out. She wrote a very heartfelt and sad letter about her guilt with not going. Except this time, rather then knod are heads, bite our tounges and say we understand I came back at her. I explained via a response e-mail, the importance of this lunch to my brother/her son and how skipping this also increases the odds that she might skip out on the wedding as well. In my e-mail, I somewhat forcefully encouraged that she go to this lunch. I told her that I think she is strong enough to stick it ou jsut for a lunch but that she'll have to try hard. I placed an emphasis on it's importance and how it will hurt my brother and her in the long run if she doesn't go. It was long, so that's a basic summary.

I love my mother and we've always been very very close. This e-mail was the first time I can remember where I really challenged her disability as an excuse to bail on anything. She hasn't responded yet and I'm sure she is very upset, possibly mad at me. The problem is that for years, we could never respond that way because we don't know what is like to be her and because we don't want to further upset her. I don't know if that had been the right thing to do, or if this new way is. Does anyone with this illness have an idea of how to handle this? Is the dissociation and the depression that comes with it, so bad that you must constantly leave yourself out of things...even those occasions of high family importance? How would you want to be convinced to do something you don't want to do?

Thank you,

Dgutes

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((Dgutes)))))))))))) Welcome to PC. That's a hard situation to be in. As a dissociative, I often need gentle reminders but face on stuff triggers me oftentimes and makes me miss more than I was before. The thing about being a dissociative is that it's not something I want to do and it's often at very inopportune times. But, that's not to say that it can't be worked on to learn new coping skills.

Does your mom see a therapist? If not, I would encourage her to get some support through a therapist. Change comes from awareness. Awareness takes as long as it takes and it's different for each person.

My children get frustrated with me at times. Before they (and I) realized what was going on, they would get angry at me, which in turn made things worse in my head. I am doing the very best I can and I love my children more than life itself. Some things though that seem easy- I can't do. Likewise, some things that others find difficult, some part of my brain breezes through it. I wish there was a rhyme or reason (and there might be but I have not figured it out), but the bottom line for me is that I'm doing the best I can.

It sounds like your mom is a very special person and I'm glad you guys have a good relationship. My advice would be to support her. Give her gentle reminders as you can, but I'll bet she already feels bad enough without anyone getting in her face about it. Sometimes the solution to things are not the obvious. For me, I have to feel safe. That's vital. If I can feel safe, I'm more likely to follow through with things and stay connected to the present. I think it's appropriate to have a heartfelt talk with your mom and do some problem solving as to how to make her feel safe. Once she feels safe, then new things can be added, such as new people, etc.

I know it's hard on both sides. I'm sorry you're all struggling with this, but I'm really glad to hear how supportive you guys are of her. She sounds like a wonderful person and you guys do too.

Please keep us posted. Hopefully some others will have some other suggestions as to how to help.

[multipixie9]

your mom must have done some things well because you sure turned out as a great son. i know she's very proud of you too.

i sympathize with you and her. i'm like your mom and i have an extremely hard time with social events and meeting new people. i'm not at all sure why it is, but it can be terrifying and the guilt when i let my family down is gut-wrenching. i feel so much safer at home, even though it makes me very lonely as well.

last summer i had a chance to go to italy with my spouse in june. i wanted to go very badly but was also extremely scared to be so far from home. SO, i talked to my doc and got some anti-anxiety medicine. while it did not take away all the fear, it did make it more manageable. i also used it to get through my husband's Christmas office party which usually makes me want to run away from home. my husband chooses to not believe mpd/did exists. his inability to support me makes social events even harder because i can't ask him to help me with things or map out what to expect and how to handle it. so i feel scared and self-conscious; i fake it and sometimes it gives me stress migraines, stomach pain and back pain.

because of the extreme abuse, fear, pain and horrors in my past i am kinda fragile. when i need to talk to people sometimes i don't know enough "small talk" and different alters may get triggered and some weird stuff may be going on in my mind even if i dont look like i'm suffering. but i get uptight concerned a young alter may suddenly decide to speak up. one of the things i learned during those hideous years of abuse was how to "pass for normal". my abusers threatened me with slow, painful death if i ever let on what was happening to me. so i was horribly afraid of slipping up and letting something out and so tired from the stress of pretending to be ok when i was anything but ok.

from infancy i began to put my mind somewhere else when bad things were happening to me and it was a brilliant way to escape as a child. the older i got, the less brilliant of a way to live it became - it interfered with all my adult responsibilities and and opportunities, it made many conflicts rise up in me over who i wanted to be and how hard i worked to be and how badly i failed to be a productive, full member of society and even more importantly how i failed to be a FULL member of my family. my problems took up way too much of my life's energy, leaving me too little left over to grow and become more as an adult.

i hate so much every bit of pain, embarrassment, confusion, distress and anger i caused and continue to cause my children and my spouse and extended family.

it is just that sometimes the fear is so extreme that i end up choosing the guilt of failing my family than the tearing fear of pushing myself and my alts to do things that scare us so badly - even though the things that scare us may seem lame or dumb or weird to regular people.

** i think you were right to tell your mom how you feel and how her choices are hurting/embarrassing/disappointing you and others. i would say to try and keep it as gentle as you can manage while being straightforward in confronting the issue. i would tell her that you will help her do whatever you can to make her feel secure and protected and that you will limit the time as much as possible. but this is a big deal in the family and you're right, she will regret it later and be more likely - from shame - to avoid the wedding if she doesn't meet the in laws to be. if it takes going to the family doc to seek some medicine to help blunt the fear, that might not be a bad idea.!!

it is ok if she gets mad, you did not do anything wrong, the anger is just her feelings - it doesn't make you the bad person. when she calms down perhaps you could ask her what it is that makes her so afraid in THIS particular situation - not all situations or the discussion may last for hours or trigger her on other stuff related. if she knows where the meeting is, how she is expected to dress and if you could perhaps rehearse social chit chat she might feel less insecure ( yes, i know i'm asking a lot of you for her sake).

i do want to tell you that i think you are a remarkable man. i have two remarkable daughters who are like you in their acceptance of my dissociative disorder. they have forgiven a lot of my failures and loved me better than my whole past relatives put together. i love them more than i can say and we are doing the "meet the inlaws to be" right now - so i sympathize with you all in this. i do not know if you would find this helpful, but i am willing to pm with you or your mom if it could help in any way to reassure or help. i wish you all success in overcoming her fear so she can be a part of the joy of your brother's marriage and the new family.

leslie and her pixies