[veritassmurf03]

I am having a week from hell. My ex is calling constantly wanting me to reconsider us. NOT HAPPENING! Sabrina messed up the relationship I was having so I have not talk to him in like 2 weeks. It hurts to cause there was deffinately something there. Oh well, thanks Sabrina! My nephew we found out has ADD and he is to young for med, thats so much fun. My brother is having an awful time with baby momma drama! My mom lets him vent but tells us to just keep quiet so we don't upset him. HA! The bad theing is that I live with them and can't get away! I am trapped! When is it my turn to fall apart? I am still not working but have got to find a job soon cause the only good thing in my life is that I am going to go back to school in May, but that comes with monthly payments for what isn't included in my grants. Yippeee! So it is a good verses evil. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I cry alone alot and then Sabrina comes out and ends up getting things more confusing me and more things to right. She has no sense of what I need from her. Yes, I have talked to her ,wrote her, everything I can to try and get her to calm down this party girl in her and its not working! I want someone to just hold me and let me get it all out, but we are exspected to be the strong ones, us of all people have to keep it together for everyone else and always have a smile. I am tired of smiling just to smile, I want to smile because I am happy and everything is good. Why do I have to be like this ? Why can't I just be normal? I hate having alters. I hate them lately and that scares me, I have had them since I was 14 and I am ready for them to go away for ever.

[multipixie9]

i know sometimes i feel a lot like what you shared. life as a DID person works best in childhood and by adulthood DID stops being a lifesaver and starts being a problem. that's why getting help when you can is so important.

what i really wanted to remark on is your family. sometimes families try to squeeze us into boxes and expect us to always be what they want us to be. you do not have to do that. it is hard to break out of the box but it can be done and you matter as much as every other member of the family and that is a fact.

i heard Whoopie Goldberg say something to a small girl in "Corinna, Corinna" when the child was afraid to go into first grade. She told her to say "There is nobody in there who is better than I am" and it was like a lightbulb went on in my head. I live with constant rejection and belittling from my spouse and I took it for way too long because those who abused me tried to train me to be compliant and be bullied by them. But the truth is there is NO ONE better than me in the whole world. i matter and you matter. what other people think is not as important as the truth about you and me. as you learn to respect yourself, others will do so also! so start telling yourself the truth! those people are NOT better than you are.

hugs from leslie and her pixies