[kimmydawn]

I had t last nite. It was hard. I don't remember, but I still feel the affect today. T wrote on my card that everything went fine, which simply means that we didn't act out in a bad way. however, I know that stuffs came out because I'm still feeling such an after affect.

I always have such a hard time when we hit on certain things in t. I feel so bad. I feel like a bad person and that I'm in trouble...something bad is going to happen because I'm so bad. I feel so stupid, fat, ugly...a freak. I feel like everyone's staring at me because of it. I'm such a freak that everyone stares. I stand out in a room...like I'm the only thing color in a black and white room...not color in a good way either. I look at pictures of that little girl and she was none of those things, but she still feels she is and it bleeds over to me so bad...that's how I know what we talked about.

How could a pretty little girl be so singled out and hated? Why? How could a child represent everything that they hated so much? I don't understand. I hate myself for allowing them to still get to me like this. I hate them. I hate that I hate.

I'm glad I survived, don't get me wrong. I would just think that after everything, I could survive without so much pain...In times like this, I'm not a survivor. I'm still a victim and I HATE it.

thank you for listening.

kd

[SweetCrusader]

((((((kimmydawn))))))

I have a lot I want to say to you, and I will. I have to work on studying for my finals right now, but I WILL get back to you ok?

I just want to point out, in the meantime, that this is past programming telling you these bad things about yourself. You really are a LOVABLE, WONDERFUL person and you were a precious and GOOD little girl, too.

LOTS of *safe hugs* for you

Love,
Angela

[nothemama8]

Kimmydawn yes you are a survivor, your alters are all there to help you through everything. You are a good girl and everyone cares about you here.
{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}} if you want them.
Angie, Reah, Marie, Laura and Amy
( We're survivors too)

[wisewoman]

Kimmy, you are so very precious and deserved love and protection. You are my friend and I am very selective. You are so good and loving. life is not fair and I am sorry. Seems like we are all in this place. you are a kind, conscientious soul. You are grand.

[RhysMadison]

I'm glad that you can get these things out w/ your T & also writing about them here. You're a wonderful person more than a survivor/ victim.
Love,
RhysMadison

[SweetCrusader]

Kimmydawn, my sweet wonderful friend,

Your words sound so familiar to me. Why is that? Hmmm.... A few of them I said about a week ago and you were there to understand and comfort me. You were there because you are such a kind and giving soul.

All the bad things that you keep thinking about yourself have been put there by the people who have hurt you all your life. You are living in emotional memories. This is your past coming back to bother your heart. It isn't the present. And it isn't the truth. They made terrible mistakes and they took their pain out on you. You never deserved one minute of it. You never deserved to get hurt- NOT ONE TIME, NOT EVER. You should have been held and looked at with loving eyes, and rocked, and told every single day just how wonderful and precious and priceless you really are. You should have had that. You were not one of the lucky ones, and now your heart aches. But it was never your fault that things happened to you the way they did. Look at that precious little boy you are taking care of. Can you imagine a tiny little child, like him, deserving the pain that was put on you? Of course not. You had all the innocence and beauty and worth that he does- AND YOU STILL DO.

Kimmydawn, you are beautiful inside and out. And you are a loving soul in a universe filled with pain, anger, and hurting. You're a positive force in the world in spite of all the forces that conspired against you and tried to tear you down. They didn't tear you down. You Survived. You SURVIVED!!! and you bring new life and love to all around you. Your family and friends. I know you touch my heart just about every day.

Working through the scary and the painful feelings that lurk in the memories is sooo hard. It's like breaking your little hearts all over again. But you can all get through this together, and you have a support system of people here who can understand why you THINK you're bad but who also KNOW that you most certainly are NOT BAD. We all love you here, and we will all be with you every step of the way.

Take care, my friend. You WILL get through this. One step at a time. And remember this (even though it's a cliche, it's SOO true): It's always darkest before the dawn. The sun will rise again, kd

*safe, warm, cozy, loving hugs*
Angela

[kimmydawn]

Thank you all so much. ((((((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))))

I know they're here to help me through. They helped me through so much. I so appreciate my insiders. Because of how they helped me, they hold so much emotion from the things that they dealt with. It's only right that I ease their burdens now...today. I feel bad for whining about it.

In times like this, I do not wonder why I have DID...there was no other way. Thank you for being here for me and her. I think she's a good girl too I pray someday she'll know that.

thank you again,

kd

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ww )))))))))))))))))))))))))

as much as i feel some of that child's pain, I feel your kind words right now.

you are a blessing to me. thank you.

kd

[kimmydawn]

RhysMadison,

Thank you for your affirmation. Yes, we have survived in many senses of the word. I needed to read that.

You're so right about being able to get things out and to ppl that care! i'm sorely blessd.

thank you again,

kd

[misty]

I have no words right now just safe hugs that you deserve all of you (kimmydawn and all)))))))))))))))))))
larx

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((( Angela ))))))))))))))))))))))

I sat here and read your post and cried the entire time ( i was already teary eyed from the prior showing of care and support)...in a good way.

Thank you so much for saying that. We need to read that...over and over. I am going to cut and paste all of these responses to post to be read at any time by anyone inside who will read them. So much of me needs to accept what you all have said here...and it's very hard. It's hard to go against that raising, ya know. Thank you again. Your words brush over me like I would imagine angel's wings would do...thoughtfully, caringly, lovingly, sweetly and any other good way.

Words can't express my overwhelming gratitude and pure appreciation that i feel right now. My now life is indeed blessed.

love,

kd

[kimmydawn]

larks,

sometimes there are no words, but actions says it all. thank you for the hugs ((((((((((((((((((larks)))))))))))))))))

love,

kd

I'm at a loss for words to respond to this currently. I offer up supportive hugs ((((kd)))) in their place.

thank you for sharing so much. I think it will only lead to more understanding within the lighthouse.

you are good, intelligent, your body looks very pretty (fat is not an adjective I'd ever come up with to describe you), beautiful, and most certainly not a freak!

letting this hate out isn't easy nor comfortable but it will make room for more love to come in. someday you'll be able to love that little girl and how wise she was to come up with an ingenious way of surviving.

Victim? no. Victims do not express themselves with the clarity and honesty you've shown here. You're no victim sweetie. You're a survivor who holds the light up for others along the way. And when you're unable to hold your light up high just reach out and you'll see that many others have been on this path before and they are holding their lights high so that you and all others on this healing journey do not lose the way.

((kd)) sending you love for all parts and ages of you.

(some loss for words, eh? lol)

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( zen ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i really AM at a loss for words right now. how very true...what you've stated here. how very special that you shared with me what we cannot invision right now.

the doors to the lighthouse are opening just a bit i think. the blinding light is spilling out into the dark hallway in which i've stood too long. My eyes weren't prepared for and hurt from the light, but they will adjust and i won't have to recoil and squint...soon. adding to the lighthouse analogy, i hope that made sense.

thanks to you...more than i can say.

kd

[kimmydawn]

thank you all so much for your support and kind words! i'm feeling some better today...further away from the ugliness of childhood.

i'm dealing with majorly high anxiety as there's much going on in my life right now. i need a break from things and i don't see one anytime soon, so until then i'll take good care of self physically and try to grab some time when i can.

the feelings from yesterday are still there, but they're not all consuming. i'm so grateful for the friends i have here that helped calm that little girl for now. it was hard for her to read those kind things...it does not make sense to her.

it's a much calmer day and i thank all of you for your role in that. now, i can deal with the father and other major stressors that need my attention...without losing it.

love to all,

kd

[SweetCrusader]

((((((kd))))))))

I'm SOOOO glad things are a little better today! I hope you will follow through on your idea to print off the kind responses so that all those inside can read them when they want to. It applies to ALL of you.

*safe hugs!
Love,
Angela

[kimmydawn]

thank you ((((((((((( angela )))))))))))))

i already have.

thank you again

kd

[fgh]

<font color="purple"> Hello. Do you know the little girls name that lives in the bottom of the lighthouse? Can she come out and play? jj

[kimmydawn]

hi jj

i appreciate your asking about baby. her name is baby. she's five and not really a baby, but everyone calls her that

no, honey, she won't come out to play. she's only come out to one person and that's my cousin, and she came out to her twice. in fact, cousin was the one who told me i was multiple...she's comforted baby, colored with her and played dolls with her ( i never knew any of this until later and she finally told me ). baby is too afraid in this world and all others seem to be there just for her...it seems that everything revolves around baby and keeping her quiet and protected.

i have other children in here tho shelley has come out several times to ppls and is quite the happy girl. she's nine. i don't know any of the others. i do know some names and ages, but don't know anything else. it's what we're working on in t. someone journalled some names and ages for me and that's how i know some of it.

i am going to print out what you posted if it's alright and put it in journal so maybe shelley will see and come around to say hi to you. that would be fun huh? she needs a friend to have fun with.

be safe jj and thanks!

kd

[cat_eye]

(((((((((kimmydawn)))))))))))

I'm glad that you can talk with your T about this. I'm not very educated on DID, but I do know how to spot a very brave person, and you are one of them :-)

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((( cat eye ))))))))))))))))))

what a wonderfully kind thing for you to say to me. thank you for that.

kd

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((KIMMY)))))))))))))))))))

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((((((( jen ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you so much