[stdkd93]

Last week my husband told me that he wanted a seperation. I was totally shellshocked!! 2 weeks before that he did tell me that he didnt know what he wanted and that he didnt think he could give me what I needed but I never thought this was in his mind. We have been together since we were teenagers, married 15.5 years with 3 kids. He talked of getting his own place and me staying here where I am with the kids but after further discussion he says hes not looking to get his own house/apt but to go to an extended stay hotel. I have been a stay at home mom off and on thru out the marriage and working part time the other time(usually after one of the kids were born). He tells me I am too needy, that I depend on him too much and with his job and the pressure that is its just too much on his shoulders. There is a past of him being unfaithful when we were dating and first got married and I feel that I have always let there be a black cloud lingering over our marriage because of it. I never threw it in his face but it comes out in my actions like when he gets online or is on his phone he says he can see the look of discust on my face etc. I have very bad self esteem and self worth and he is tired of hearing me put myself down when he says that he is ok with how I look and so on. I asked if he would go to councelling and he said no that he didnt think councelling worked for him and that he just didnt want to try working things out at this time. Right now we dont have the money for him to move out but he was suppose to be getting some at some point soon and needed to contact the place but as far as I know he hasnt done that yet. The things that have me so confused is the fact that we hardly ever argue and fight. Sometimes over little things but it never gets bad. Neither of us are abusive in anyway. He tells me he loves me since that night even if its usually prompted by me saying it first. He kisses me goodbye when he leaves for work without me prompting him. If I sit next to him he doesnt move or pull away. I went to a friends this past weekend just to get away(which I rarely do) and when I called just to let him know what I was doing he asked if I was coming home and asked me to call him just so he knew. Anybody that I have talked to says they dont think he knows what he wants at times I dont think he does either but he said he doesnt take decisions like this lightly so...??? He denies there being anyone else or that this is so he can live his own life and be a party animal again.
I feel like it has lit a fire under my butt as far as working out the issues I have in my own head. I have been going to see a T for 3 weeks now and have been put on and anti-depressant(this started after the fist conversation about him not knowing what he wanted). I have been doing ALOT of thinking for myself as far as being positive, trying to see that my inperfections are not as bad as I make them out ot be etc.
I know alot of people on here have been thru seperation and divorce and I was just hoping for someone that could relate to what Im talking about cz I really am confused. i think its a huge mistake on his part if he does go through with the seperation. We have a wonderful family, amazing kids and I feel that I am a very good woman for him despite my emotional issues(that Im trying to work out!!!). This is just one of my biggest fears, having my family split apart like his was and mine was when we were young.....
please anybody.....I just dont know what to think or how to feel. One moment I feel the sadness overwhelming me the other Im feeling good cuz he is acting like normal so I see things as normal. I dont wan tthis AT ALL!!!!!