children of divorced parents?

cutebagaddict08 · Nov 13, 2010 at 09:48 AM

Hello- I'd like to speak/share with other children of divorced parents. My parents got divorced after 23 yrs of marriage. They've been divorced for 7 years now but it is still hard for me to accept. My sister and I were totally shocked when my mom told us, I remember the day pretty clearly. I didn't realize how much anger and emotion I still carry with about their divorce still I started seeing a therapist to help with the PMDD anxiety issues. My sister and I are both in our 20's, I married last year, and I think alot of their divorce issues came up around that time for me. I get sad still when I see my friends' parents or my husband's parents together. It's still weird for me to go to my in laws and see them having a 'family dinner' b/c i haven't had that in like 10yrs (at least not with my father and mother.) Things have changed between me and my sister alot also, we used to close and since their divorce we've grown apart, and we couldn't be in the same room together when I lived at home without screaming at eachother. I think we took our anger and saddness out on eachother bc we couldn't on our mom and dad. My sis and I do see and talk to our dad occassionally, but our relationship has defiently changed since the divorce. It's so frustrating and emotionally draining at times, that parents sometimes don't realize how much kids are affected by their divorce, even if they are at an older age and can understand a bit more-it still hurts.
Does anyone else have a story about dealing with divorced parent's?

madisgram · Nov 13, 2010 at 10:14 AM

sometimes for whatever reason adults divorce. it's usally stemming from a mutual agreement when they have been married longer.
when i read your post the first thought i had was at your age my father was dead-he was 45 when he died.

i had 2 younger sisters that were in elementary school. so while your parents are not together anymore at least you have both of them to enjoy. rather than struggling with something you can't change, try to look at the positive, you have both parents living.
i'm sorry this has happened to your family and clearly this is troubling you. it must be difficult to understand...i don't know if you know the circumstances of their decision. talking about your grief will help you so i'm glad you posted.

but hope you will see that many of us didn't have the joy of being young adults having both parents. to me that is a bigger loss, imho. it doesn't lessen your sorrow but i hope it will give you a more positive perspective. i'm sure you wish that both your parents be happy. if they were unfulfilled being together still their decision to part was a good one.

cutebagaddict08 · Nov 14, 2010 at 02:22 PM

First I'm very sorry for your loss.

I think the issue with my parent's divorce I deal with most was because it came out of no where and my mom said 'she waited till we (me and my sis) were older to divorce my father'. I know bits and pieces why they got a divorce. I am trying to be closer to my father. I am grateful I have parent's, my good friend's father recently died suddenly and it made me realize how precious life with your parent's can be, even if you don't get along that well. Thank you for post also! It is good to see it from another perspective.

Elana05 · Nov 15, 2010 at 10:00 AM

Hi cutebagaddict08,

"It's so frustrating and emotionally draining at times, that parents sometimes don't realize how much kids are affected by their divorce, even if they are at an older age and can understand a bit more-it still hurts."

This sounds so hard, my heart goes out to you. My parents' divorce was super difficult for me as well, and they divorced when I was only 4! But I also left my childhood home then... I'm in my 30's now. I think what was especially hard was that both my mom and dad also suffer from (untreated) depression. As I was growing up they would always tell stories about one another, both good and bad. But it made it seem like they were still pining after each other. Plus my mom never remarried or even found anyone else. So it's like after all this time they still have emotional ties and I'm stuck in the middle. Although I'm trying not to be anymore - with a lot of therapy.

While I don't have any brothers or sisters I can totally, deeply understand your experience of having a hard time communicating with your sister during and after the divorce. I think one hallmark of divorce is that we kids sort of become silenced. We get overshadowed by the divorce and take up the role of not wanting to be a bother or cause any trouble... I can relate to the notion of having a lot of bottled up anger with no outlet for it...
I just wanted to add that I have found seeing a therapist very helpful. I was thinking... would you and your sister ever consider going togther? Even just a few sessions. It might help you understand or regain some of the communication you lost, help you both feel stronger in the face of the difficulty of this big change in your family and feel more like you still have one another to depend on...

Sending supportive thoughts your way... thanks for posting on this difficult topic.

E

sunrise · Nov 15, 2010 at 07:05 PM

My parents are not divorced but I recently divorced myself and have two children. I can't answer your question from the perspective you are looking for, cutebagaddict, but I thank you for sharing your story.

I think when my XH and I were getting divorced that it actually helped us to get through it by trying to put our kids first. It helped get us out of the negative mindset of a failed relationship. Because even if the marriage ends, parenthood continues forever, so let's try to do the best we can with this. It's like a jewel worth treasuring that you find in the midst of the ashes of your relationship.

alangston · Nov 16, 2010 at 10:48 AM

I recently separated from my husband and I have to small children, ages 4 and 6. I feel so much guilt for separating them from their dad and breaking up their (what they thought) happy home. Will they ever recover from it? After reading the posts, I'm not sure. How do you know if what you've done is the right thing? Do you stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids' sake, or do you try to find some sort of happiness and do everything in your power to make sure the kids are emotionally taken care of? I just have so many thoughts and unanswered questions in my head that I have no idea what to do next.

sunrise · Nov 16, 2010 at 01:58 PM

alangston, after the divorce, we are all so much happier, kids included. However, my kids were older than yours before I got divorced. I did stay in the marriage for a long time with the kids being an important factor. If you or the kids are in danger of abuse, then you should move on now. If that is not the case, I think with such young kids, it is really important to try hard to save the marriage. Do you know for sure it cannot work? Could it possibly help to go to a marriage counselor? Best of luck.

Momo92 · Nov 16, 2010 at 03:30 PM

Firstly, I want to let each of you know that my heart goes out to you. Whether your parents divorced or if you, yourself, got divorced. I know this is a very difficult thing to go through as well. And Madisgram, My heart goes out to you too. I couldnt imagine going through that as a child.

Well, I know im only 18, but I have personally been through this and am still going through this currently. My parents divorced when I was about 5 years old. I can still vaguely remember the day my dad left and it hurts. I completely understand where you are coming from cutebagaddict08. I have two brothers who were affected in this divorce as well and our relationships are not as good as I wish they were do to the strain of living through a divorce. I do still see both my mom and dad, but our relationships are not great either. Im not mad at them for divorcing, because I know it was better for the both of them, but I do resent the fact that both my mom and my dad still to this day talk horrible about one another trying to make me and my brothers not like the other parent.

As for what you asked, Alangston, A lot of children come from divorced families and do just fine. Dont let any one experience make you think that they wont 'recover'. It all depends on how the children feel about the situation and how they are able to handle it. My advise would be to talk to them about it. I know they are young, but I wish my parents would have sat me down to talk about it. I think things would have went a lot better for me,as the child, if they had just talked to me about it.
I also am dealing with my dad and my step-moms marriage that is on the rocks. Being older now, I know they should divorce but for now they are staying in the marriage for my little brothers sakes. So, my opinion on this is if their is a marriage to save, then I think you should. But also, dont stay if your not safe or if you're truly that unhappy. My dad and step-mom are constantly fighting and arguing. My dad doesnt even sleep in the bedroom with her anymore. He has been sleeping in the reclining chair for months now. This is what they call staying together for the kids and I must say this is more damaging to everyone than getting a divorce would be. I have talked to my brothers about it and they have told me, crying, that they wish mommy and daddy would just split up so everyone could be happy and not upset all the time. Personally it breaks my heart to see my brothers feel this way, so I would advise that if your relationship sounds like this then you should talk with the kids because sometimes it is better for everyone if parents divorce as well.

Lastly, I wanted to say that even though I have gone through both a divorce and a marriage that is being held together for the childrens sake, I love my parents with all of my heart. I wouldnt be me without them and I am very thankful I have them. All three of them.

I hope this helps..

Momo.

darco · Nov 22, 2010 at 06:31 PM

Hi

Just an update...My dad died when I was very young and then my mum divorced my stepdad which at the time was a real asshole!! (I could not say anything because he was really good to my younger sister and brother) at that time that is all that mattered! I am the eldest and in our society you suck it up and get on with life because as the eldest your job is to look after not only your siblings but also your mother! Make no mistake I have been great......but the emotions have caught up with me..and I am struggling.....so MOMO here is another peom!!! xxxxx

Love
Affection
Marriage........
You loved her and he loved you!
then there was me..
You still loved her and he loved you!

It changed??....
There still was me..

You don't love her anymore
You don't love him anymore

But there is still me...!

Momo92 · Nov 23, 2010 at 07:50 PM

And again. I like it.

OneMinute · Dec 01, 2010 at 02:30 AM

Hey- I'm also an adult child of divorced parents. Everyday I wake up to a physical reminder of what happened and have to find my own way to face up to that. The divorce itself is out of sight and out of mind. Even discussions like these don't bother me at all and for that I'm very grateful. Just wanted to offer my sincere heartfelt condolences to everyone.

cutebagaddict08 · Dec 08, 2010 at 10:34 AM

Thanks for your reply. I do actually see a therapist already- and it does help. It helped me realize how much emotions I was still having regarding my parents' divorce.

cutebagaddict08 · Dec 08, 2010 at 10:36 AM

Thank you for your reply and sharing your personal story as well.

cutebagaddict08 · Dec 08, 2010 at 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alangston

I recently separated from my husband and I have to small children, ages 4 and 6. I feel so much guilt for separating them from their dad and breaking up their (what they thought) happy home. Will they ever recover from it? After reading the posts, I'm not sure. How do you know if what you've done is the right thing? Do you stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids' sake, or do you try to find some sort of happiness and do everything in your power to make sure the kids are emotionally taken care of? I just have so many thoughts and unanswered questions in my head that I have no idea what to do next.

Thanks for your reply and sharing! I think the most important thing when kids are involved is to be as open and honest as possible with them when they are older and can understand a bit more.
Although most of how my parents' handled the 'aftermath' issues of the divorce I give them alot of credit- My sister and I never heard them screaming, etc at eachother. My mom always stuck up for my sister and I when my dad wasn't thinking of how his choices still affected my sis and I. The one thing I dont' agree with is my parents were relaxed about the aftermath- or at least that's the front my mom put on. I don't think they realized that because I was older I could form my own opinions and worry more about what I thought was the reason. 7 yrs later, I still don't know why parents got divorced....I know bits and pieces from my mom and maybe she is protecting my father in some way but it's very frustrating to think my mom woke up one moring and was like 'i'm divorcing your father.'
So, I believe allowing the kids to understand the amount the parent is comfortable with and talking to the kids helps alot.

cutebagaddict08 · Dec 08, 2010 at 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Momo92

Firstly, I want to let each of you know that my heart goes out to you. Whether your parents divorced or if you, yourself, got divorced. I know this is a very difficult thing to go through as well. And Madisgram, My heart goes out to you too. I couldnt imagine going through that as a child.

Well, I know im only 18, but I have personally been through this and am still going through this currently. My parents divorced when I was about 5 years old. I can still vaguely remember the day my dad left and it hurts. I completely understand where you are coming from cutebagaddict08. I have two brothers who were affected in this divorce as well and our relationships are not as good as I wish they were do to the strain of living through a divorce. I do still see both my mom and dad, but our relationships are not great either. Im not mad at them for divorcing, because I know it was better for the both of them, but I do resent the fact that both my mom and my dad still to this day talk horrible about one another trying to make me and my brothers not like the other parent.

As for what you asked, Alangston, A lot of children come from divorced families and do just fine. Dont let any one experience make you think that they wont 'recover'. It all depends on how the children feel about the situation and how they are able to handle it. My advise would be to talk to them about it. I know they are young, but I wish my parents would have sat me down to talk about it. I think things would have went a lot better for me,as the child, if they had just talked to me about it.
I also am dealing with my dad and my step-moms marriage that is on the rocks. Being older now, I know they should divorce but for now they are staying in the marriage for my little brothers sakes. So, my opinion on this is if their is a marriage to save, then I think you should. But also, dont stay if your not safe or if you're truly that unhappy. My dad and step-mom are constantly fighting and arguing. My dad doesnt even sleep in the bedroom with her anymore. He has been sleeping in the reclining chair for months now. This is what they call staying together for the kids and I must say this is more damaging to everyone than getting a divorce would be. I have talked to my brothers about it and they have told me, crying, that they wish mommy and daddy would just split up so everyone could be happy and not upset all the time. Personally it breaks my heart to see my brothers feel this way, so I would advise that if your relationship sounds like this then you should talk with the kids because sometimes it is better for everyone if parents divorce as well.

Lastly, I wanted to say that even though I have gone through both a divorce and a marriage that is being held together for the childrens sake, I love my parents with all of my heart. I wouldnt be me without them and I am very thankful I have them. All three of them.

I hope this helps..

Momo.

Thank you! Also I agree I think it helps when the parents talk to the children about what's going on and how to hadle the situation.

Dani717 · Dec 08, 2010 at 01:42 PM

I disagree with staying in a marriage for the sake of the child(ren). I got married in '02 and my son was born in '04. Looking back, I should have left when he didn't know any better. He just turned 6 and he is tortured by the fact that he misses daddy (even though daddy wasn't around much anyways). I blame myself for the pain that has caused him because I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to work things out. If I had just left then, he wouldn't have known the difference. IDK thats just my two cents.

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Momo92 Junior Member Member Since Sep 2010 Location: In my dorm. :) Posts: 13 13	Nov 23, 2010 at 07:50 PM #10 And again. I like it.
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OneMinute Member Member Since Sep 2010 Location: tennessee Posts: 25 13	Dec 01, 2010 at 02:30 AM #11 Hey- I'm also an adult child of divorced parents. Everyday I wake up to a physical reminder of what happened and have to find my own way to face up to that. The divorce itself is out of sight and out of mind. Even discussions like these don't bother me at all and for that I'm very grateful. Just wanted to offer my sincere heartfelt condolences to everyone.
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cutebagaddict08 Veteran Member Member Since Oct 2010 Location: The beach Posts: 340 13	Dec 08, 2010 at 10:34 AM #12 Thanks for your reply. I do actually see a therapist already- and it does help. It helped me realize how much emotions I was still having regarding my parents' divorce. __________________ ~Smile, and Get it over With~ (Eeyore) ~Candy cures my boredorm!~ (me)
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cutebagaddict08 Veteran Member Member Since Oct 2010 Location: The beach Posts: 340 13	Dec 08, 2010 at 10:36 AM #13 Thank you for your reply and sharing your personal story as well. __________________ ~Smile, and Get it over With~ (Eeyore) ~Candy cures my boredorm!~ (me)
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