[sunnysky07]

This is the first time on this site.
I am not sure if this is the right area to post this. I am not sure where to start. I have read though most of the posting here and didn't read anything like what I am experiencing with my husband. I really don't know what to feel or think. It is a long story so I will try to shorten it up. My husband lives in another state, do to his job, and I live where it is warm due to some health reason. I also desided to stay year around due to his drinking problem. I was told by a counseling that, by leaving it might get him to finally get help with his drinking.
When I was gone for the winter, we would talk 2-3 time a day, he would come down and see me. I would come back in the summer. We really where best friends when he was not drinking. When he starts to drinks, he has a hard time stopping. He has try a lot of times to stop, but falls back to drinking. Drinking was killing us and him too. Well he final started to get help, it has been about 3 months. I have been pretty happy in the last 6 months, I felt our life was finally coming back together. But In the last 3 month I have not been feel good, thought it was a yeast infection, but to my horror I got Trick. I had know idea what it was. When I was told, I was in shock, I could not believe, I could have a STD. Jeff is not one to even think about cheating on me. He has a problem in that area, and has for sometime. He does not know how or when, this could have happen. He has experience many blackouts, where, his does not remember talking to me or what happen, or where he was. It has been a big problem in are marriage. but I never through, he would have sex with someone, and not know he did. How the hell does that happen? I can't seem to put my mind around that, he can't get a hard on, without drug, and when he drinks, it doesn't work at all. I am having a very hard with, this, I am sick inside. I have gone from shock, being sick to a point I throw up, angry, pain, sadness, I start crying.. just don't know what to think. I am not sure what to believe, he said he would never knowing have sex with someone. He told me he is sorry, and is as stock as I am. I just don't know where to go from here. I am so in embarrass and feel dirty inside. He is going to counseling, and so I am I. I hope I can finds some answers, should I stay? I don't know what to do? I am very confused we don't have any kids, I am already living away from him. We been together 14 years and marriage 1o years, I love him and I hate him at the same time. We had a good life when he was not drinking, which he was finally get a handle on it. So what to do? I know it will help once I go to counseling, I hope to get some answers then.

[portlandiagirl]

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I can offer you perhaps a bit of support because I, too, am married to an alcoholic/addict. I remember the feelings of chaos, that your world is crashing down around you. It's terrible and frightening. Counseling will help. It's so great that you (and he) have already started counseling. I've also found that Al-Anon helps a lot. (It's technically against their beliefs to try and "recruit" people, but I just want you to know it's out there and is very helpful to many people.)
I hope you will be able to take care of yourself and your needs first. Please try not to feel embarrassed at all. You are doing nothing wrong and are trying your best.
Sending you well wishes and know that you are not alone.

[sunnysky07]

Originally Posted by portlandiagirl

First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I can offer you perhaps a bit of support because I, too, am married to an alcoholic/addict. I remember the feelings of chaos, that your world is crashing down around you. It's terrible and frightening. Counseling will help. It's so great that you (and he) have already started counseling. I've also found that Al-Anon helps a lot. (It's technically against their beliefs to try and "recruit" people, but I just want you to know it's out there and is very helpful to many people.)
I hope you will be able to take care of yourself and your needs first. Please try not to feel embarrassed at all. You are doing nothing wrong and are trying your best.
Sending you well wishes and know that you are not alone.

Thank you, I am looking into Al-anon groups. It is so hard at times wanting to get out of the marriage but, when he is not drinking he is a good man. It is hard to forgive what he has done to us, this time. I am glad I found this site, because I do feel alone in my pain. I can't talk to any of my friends, it would be just to embarrassing. I start counseling on Tuesday. I am hoping I can get some peace.

[Leed]

I'm glad you're looking into Al-Anon. Those meetings can REALLY help you, and teach you how to cope with an alcoholic without losing your OWN life to the disease. It teaches you now NOT to enable him too. That's important.

I hope he can come to grips with his drinking. He's killing himself. I'm a recovering alcoholic (18 years sober) and I know what drinking can do to you. If he's a "blackout" drinker, all kinds of things can happen when he's in that state.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[portlandiagirl]

Originally Posted by sunnysky07

Thank you, I am looking into Al-anon groups. It is so hard at times wanting to get out of the marriage but, when he is not drinking he is a good man. It is hard to forgive what he has done to us, this time. I am glad I found this site, because I do feel alone in my pain. I can't talk to any of my friends, it would be just to embarrassing. I start counseling on Tuesday. I am hoping I can get some peace.

It is so hard. I totally and completely understand you. It sounds a lot like you are describing the cycle of living with an alcoholic - when it's good, it's good...but when the drinking comes into play, it gets terrible. It's very confusing. I wish I had more to say to help you. I hope you can find some peace. And, again, you are not alone; the number of people dealing with this type of issue is probably huge. I am one of them. Take care of yourself.

[sunnysky07]

Originally Posted by Leed

I'm glad you're looking into Al-Anon. Those meetings can REALLY help you, and teach you how to cope with an alcoholic without losing your OWN life to the disease. It teaches you now NOT to enable him too. That's important.

I hope he can come to grips with his drinking. He's killing himself. I'm a recovering alcoholic (18 years sober) and I know what drinking can do to you. If he's a "blackout" drinker, all kinds of things can happen when he's in that state.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee, for the message, it is good to know, their maybe hope for him. He as been drinking all his life, he started at age 14 and now is 53. He has tried to stop many times. He has cut down on his drinking over the years from 7 days to about 3 days a week. Then down to 1-2 day a week. The big problem, is he can't stop once he started drinking. He always tells me that he when to have one drink, but then a friend came in and he had another drink and on and on. It is always the same story, with the same ending.
I am starting to feel better, I appreciate your input.

[Sloane]

B"H

dear sunny...

you are not alone, it is not your fault, and there is nothing dirty about you. do not let his inability to control himself alter your perception of yourself in any fashion. I understand the natural inclination to feel dirty due to contracted an STD. but, your husband gave it to you. you were not out tramping about. not that I would judge you if you were. I see a healthy and adaptable woman trying to keep her marriage together while competing with alcohol for her husband's attention. unfortunately, until you surrender to your lack of control over your husband and his actions. he needs to clean himself up and stop drinking completely before you can proceed with him. for now, you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. I imagine you got medicine to heal yourself from the std. now, the counseling needs to help guide you to a healthier perspective on what is going on between you and your husband. while alanon is a great program, I would recommend you use it in conjunction with private counseling to get the one on one attention you need and deserve. you are not alone in his world. there re dope here who care, aside from your personal friend and family relationships. perhaps ou cannot talk to your friends and family about this as it is embarrassing. you have a safe pace here with many people who have lived through or watched your experience happen to them or someone they knew. first things first, none of this is your fault or blame.

I wish you all the best in your counseling. may it bring you the peace and understanding you need and deserve. never forget that loving someone who has faults such as his does not reflect badly on you. his actions are his alone. your love for him simply maes you human. unfortunately, with addiction, you can be dragged down with the addict I you do not kep your head straight. you seem to get that insofar as you recognize you need help too. in no way oes your need for help make you a weak person. rather, it shows your strength. good luck. be well and stay well. take care.


sloane

[sunnysky07]

Thank you everybody for all the kinds words. I will be happy when Tuesday comes and I am able to talk to a counselor.