[littlebitlost]

Financially, emotionally, anything.

It's def going that way, how can I make it any better, and save as much of myself as I can?

[AvidReader]

I would say, get an attorney, and find a good divorce support group. Not sure if this helps; sorry I don't have more specific suggestions.

Good luck

[Big Mama]

Get in to Therapy before the do do hits the fan. You will have guidance, a friend, and someone who cares about you. T's can help advise you legally or save you from making costly errors. Have you tried marriage T. It might help. I don't know what the issue is. I started T myself because if my marriage was not going to work I wanted to know I did everything within my power to make it right and I tried to fix the issues that I had that were contributing to the problem.

I still don't have the answers I'm looking for either. Stay or go. What to do to protect my self before I go. I guess I'll figure it out or screw it badly. There's a 50/50 chance I'll get it right and a 50/50 chance I'll screw it up. I guess the odds are not so bad. Nothing is 100%.

[eskielover]

A lawyer is the only one who can help you not mess it up financially, but only if you have one who is looking out for your best interest....or in my situation (out of state) nothing can really be done financially, but at least I will be free from any future financial destruction & other than personality, his issues are all financial stupidity.

Emotionally, I don't know....I would say a T if you are really having emotional issues.....I will be so glad to be free from the jerk after 38 years of being stuck with this jerk that I really have no emotional issues other than it will be JOY & RELIEF. I haven't had any emotional feelings for him for so long, I wouldn't know what it felt like to have any other feelings than relief when I can finally be free.......sometimes I think that's the best way to go because then you don't have all those emotions messing with your mind about how much you love this guy you really can't stand in the first place or you wouldn't need a divorce if the marriage was good.

For me, when I left him 5 years ago, was the first time I was able to fine the real me in 33 years (the marriage has now gone onto 38 years on paper). I think when the marriage is bad, getting free from it & allowing yourself to be the person you really are, not co-dependent on who they are.......it's the best feeling in the world because you can really learn who you are all over again & get to know yourself....not dependent on what someone else makes you or demands you to be or who you give into being to please them & not make waves.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by littlebitlost

Financially, emotionally, anything.

It's def going that way, how can I make it any better, and save as much of myself as I can?

Good for you for wanting to make the divorce better. Divorces can be OK, if the spouses cooperate to end things, resolve to be civil and amicable, etc. I recommend going to see a divorce lawyer who does mediated and collaborative divorces. Then you will have a choice of what kind of divorce aligns with your goals, values, and individual situation. The traditional divorce is adversarial. It pits one spouse against the other and can cause a lot of problems! (However, if one spouse is totally uncooperative, bitter, vindictive, unfair, want revenge, etc., this may be your only option.) Then there is mediation and collaborative. Your lawyer can explain the pros and cons of each approach to you. Here is the website for collaborative lawyers if you need help finding one in your area: http://www.collaborativepractice.com/_loc.asp

I recommend meeting with your lawyer, getting educated on your options and rights, and then working on the other stuff. You will have the relationship with the lawyer in your back pocket, so you have someone to turn to quickly if things blow up.

Find a good therapist, hopefully one with a lot of experience with marriage and divorce. Many people don't know that an individual can go to a Family and Marriage therapist on their own. The therapist can help you protect your self and keep what is near and dear to you about yourself from getting lost or damaged. It is worth it! One of the things I asked of my therapist was to help get me through my divorce with my Self intact. He did a great job for me.

It might also be helpful to see a couples therapist with your spouse. Is the marriage truly unsalvageable? Could the therapist help the two of you work it out? Even if you don't plan to stay together, it can be helpful to get some of the worst resentment or anger out of the way, and learn good communication skills and practice them in the office with the therapist there. This will really help you in the divorce process. If there are children involved, this is even more important.

Financially: become really familiar with your family's finances. Copy key financial documents, such as tax returns, retirement plan statements, savings and investments, mortgage info, deed to your home, etc., so in case things head south, you will have the information you need for the divorce.

Good luck.

This book was really helpful to me in keeping my eyes on the "prize"--an amicable, healthy divorce that did not traumatize anyone: The Good Divorce by Constance Ahrons.

[eskielover]

Some states like KY don't offer anything but a lawyer based divorce...they don't have mediation available....so it depends on your state as to how the divorce is handles.

I'm doing an out of state divorce which is more complicated in some ways because all my assets are still in the state my husband is living in & negotiating other than via mail, he can't even serve him with divorce papers.....it's all done through the mail. I am sure there are some things that I have told my husband will be negotiated like his retirement fund that's being used to pay off the IRS mess he made on my inheritance......but after that is paid off, then it will be split & that is non negotiable on my part since he has everything I owned that I can't get back to get because he financially messed it up so I couldn't get an equity loan on my farm.....but then I need to hide the home anyway because of the foreclosure he managed to pull on the home we owned together.

When things are a financial mess, it makes the divorce a real mess also.

[sunrise]

When you see a lawyer, littlebitlost, he/she can explain your options for your state. You may divorce collaboratively, using a collaborative divorce lawyer, in all 50 states, so even if mediation without a lawyer isn't possible in your state, a possibility eskielover mentioned, there is always collaborative divorce. Plus, many lawyers do mediation themselves. I chose collaborative over mediation--it seemed superior to me for my situation, but not for everyone. I just didn't want an adversarial divorce. Good luck.