[eskielover]

Feel so good .....this was 38 years in coming (from the day we were married). I haven't lived with him for 5 years, but financial issues made it almost impossible when I first left to get a divorce or even the legal separation. He nailed the final nail in the marriage coffin however when he said nothing about not paying the property taxes, nothing about not paying the house payments & then lying to me about the amount he paid for tax purposes.

The house we both own is in foreclosure now but he finally decided after I confronted him about lying about trying for a loan modification to try for one. He has always been such a lier & a jerk about everything....left a letter unanswered to the IRS for 10 months....only reason I got it was because we have the mail forwarded to my farm when we all spent the first Christmas together.....& I left the mail forwarded because I wanted to know what was going on.

He's always been full of those don't tell, it's not a lie then kind of crap......always makes himself look like the poor little boy & the victim in everything.

Lawyer said, he's been draging me around with his financial crap since he's known me about 4 years ago when he sat my farm up into an LLC & got my husband's name off the deed (no mortgage). Somehow KY is a wierd state with a dowery law where even if it's your inheritance, the other person is entitled to 1/2.....so my stbxh was willing to sign the quit claim for me.

Signing the quit claim for the Ca house still leaves me liable for the discrepancy between sale price & loan amount on Ca house.....could mean my farm....so will have to deal with that if anything happens that way. However I'm using the quit claim to get some answeres from him as to why the retirement fund went lower last year & more information on the car title loan that he use his car for & also the title to my car which I only gave him to drive...he could end up in deep trouble...those loans are illegal in most stated for a good reason....they are nothing but run by loan sharks that will let you have it before they take the car. Glad my daughter & I aren't anywhere close to him right now.

He isn't answering this set of questions as quickly as the other, but for me, I am just putting the puzzle together because he won't....so the longer it takes....that's just the way it is. I didn't realize after I lost my career that all the suicide attempts were more because I felt trapped in the marriage than what everyone including me thought it was just the loss of my career. Have finally been able to look back now that I have been free & see the picture more clearly.

He was irresponsible in his spending all our married life & at the beginning it was a fight.....but then I caved & ended up following to a point.....then I cleaned up our financial mess which took about 5 years without any counselling because my accounting degree gave me enough know how to do what I needed to do....he didn't like it but he didn't have a choice.

Then my depression set in after loosing my career & he became in charge of finances again. Don't know if he thought spending would keep me from wanting to do end my life with suicide or the anorexia.....but he didn't get it....I wanted to be married to a responsible husband....not a jerk....so he spend money on nice things like the dogs we were showing....I would have been happy with 2 eskies....& maybe a few shows once in a blue moon......instest, a fortune was spent....money that ate up our IRA's.....so now there is NOTHING except the disibility we both ended up on.

After the IRS situation & now the foreclosure.....I had enough & realized even before I knew some of the other things going on that he was completely dangerous to my future besides driving my anger up again after I finally got it under control in dealing with him. I see him as a hateful irresponsible child that who is incapable of functioning as a human most of the time.

I remember when I left 5 years ago....he said it made him look like a failure....& he thought that I would tolerate him for the rest of our life since I had tolerated him for that long already.

I saw my escape & took it after my mother died.....I wasn't about to have him use up my inheritance & leave me still trapped with him. Worst thing is that he makes himself look like such a nice person. Shoot, he even offered me money to replace my broken printer & my old phone a few weeks ago. I had already replaced my printer & I will take care of my phone when I decide what I want to do. However sending me more of my things that I ended up completely leaving almost everything there.....would be a nice way to spend it.....he replied with nothing.....typical self....he only ever wanted to do what was his idea & I had to threaten or manipulate him to get what was really right.....worst part....he never learned.

His mind is incapable of learning anything than what he wants to know & he will argue & tell you you are wrong even when you have proof you are right. I remember growing up with a father who was like that....but thought he was that way because of his father & the way he was brought up....my husband wasn't even related & I was trying to make sure that I didn't even get interested in any man similar to my dad......I what in the world did I end up with

Everyone else seems to mourn their marriages & the loss of their husbands......I am so overjoyed, there is definitely NO MOURNING HERE....it's the best relief I will ever have....just afraid that because of some things, I am still going to have to have some contact at least until the IRS situation is finished.....will see what more information brings.....

I learned early in the marriage that threatening & manupulation was the only thing that worked on him.....from the first time I threw a bucket of ice water on him because he refused to cooperate in getting going so I could do the laundry on the only day I had to do it......we were living in an apartment & he didn't like the washer & dryers....so I had to do the laundry at my mothers & she didn't have a dryer...so I had to do the laundry early so I could hang it out to get dry. He wanted to sleep in & I needed to get going....I told him that I would throw ice water on him if he didn't get up & he didn't believe me.....I dumped a huge pitcher on him & he got up......unfortunately, that was the way our whole marriage went....always adversarial.....& he started off with his sarcasm which I promptly shut down also. I had a list of things I wasn't going to put up with & went over them before we ever got married....he didn't understand or believe a word I said...but he agreed with everything......I really didn't want to get married if those issues weren't going to be met.

It was hard being married & yet not being able to ask for information or trust the information you got....I kept thinking it couldn't happen every time....but it did. I finally realized that the only way I could stop myself from asking him for information & stopping myself from listening was to LEAVE....

That was the first best thing I ever did....I realized I wasn't the horrible angry person who saw nothing but red when I was around him.....but I was the caring person who had been hanging around inside of me waiting to be who I was. Second best thing I'm doing is getting the divorce. I know I will never consider getting married ever again....I really love living alone...just me & my eskie dogs & hopefully when I get my horse here....add my horse to my family....my mare had her & I met her at about 1 hour old.....I fell in love completely. Haven't seen her in 5 years.....but am holding onto the hope.

One gets left with a kind of strange feeling however with the living alone....where I moved to, there are many of us women who own farms & have our horses & live alone....one of those friends died this last week.....alone & no one realized for a few days. I feel bad that I missed knowing her funeral was today....until I looked in up on the internet....it was a couple of hours after it was over. That is one of the only things I think negative about living alone....if anything happened, no one would know to take care of my animals. Guess that's one reason I like living where I do....I have many friends who drive by every day as it's the road into town from our back farm area & everyone notices if my truck has furniture in it, or that my truck isn't there but another car is. The other negative on living alone is that I am the only person doing things & if I don't do it...it doesn't get done....haven't trained my eskies to do the laundry or the dishes.....don't think their slurpy tongues count as washing IMO.

Oh well, when it's over.....my lawyer says I will feel a huge relief.....maybe it's just that I have felt these negative emotions toward my husband for so many years that I can't imagine it feeling any different....or at least not in an overnight, blink of the eye sort of way. It took me awhile to realize how how wonderful not living around him actually was...but immediately knew I couldn't live around him any longer....but the relief feeling took longer to feel.

Well, now that I have written my normal novel about my life event.......will see how this whole things goes from here. An out of state divorce is a lot different than both being together & getting it taken care of in the same place. It's all done by mail & agreements that way......I have to make sure I get everything I want agreed on too....my brain has been whirling for so long now....glad this is a long weekend to relax & just kick back & think without anything pushing me so I can sort our my thoughts & hopefully get the reply from my stbxh on those questions I am with holding the quit claim to get.....he can't possibly think I'm not serious....since he did respond to the last set of questions....maybe these hit on a really sore spot with him & he's not as willing to answer because it's not trivial answers like the half arsed ones he replied with the last time.

Will be so glad to be rid of this looser.....I don't think I ever really felt love for him because it was constantly such an adversarial marriage. I was aiming for my career & he had his which I ended up in the same field he was in.....but I wasn't willing to blow off my responsibilities to have fun like he always wanted to do & got mad at me & called me controlling because I looked after myself because I knew he wouldnt.

[Leed]

And I thought MY marriage was a nightmare! My Gosh, you were dealing with a real child, weren't you!

I'm so sorry Eskie that this has been such a trial for you. I cannot imagine living like that for 38 years! 26 was a horror for me, and I didn't put up with NEARLY what you did! How on earth you stayed sane is beyond me,and INDEED you did stay sane!

I wish this was over for you -- gosh how I wish! But no more than you do I'm sure! Keep us posted. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[eskielover]

I think the only way I did stay sane was because I was focused on my BS degree when I got married & I refused to quit that when I ended up pregnant with our daughter....10 months after our daughter was born, I graduated & had several great job offers to choose from so I started my career as a programmer......then after 1 1/2 years, I ended up as a firmware design enginneer in the aerospace industry......which was my total escape from the marriage.....yep, I became one of those workaholic husbands that wives complain about as my only escape.

Amazed that I still haven't heard anything from him....maybe he can't find the password to his retirement fund.....or the car title loan agreement that I demanded a copy of.

I just couldn't believe one of his answers to my previous set of questions when I asked him why he lied I told me he paid the property taxes in 2011 when he hadn't paid a cent of property taxes.....his response......."I can't remember everything" .....who can't remember that they didn't pay ANY property taxes for the year. He doesn't have that many expenses....he's not working (he's also on disability now because in theory, his ADD is so bad he can't function any longer like he could....but he always had problems...he just got away with it for awhile.

I seriously think there is more wrong with him mind than just his ADD...like my calif pdoc who he also went to see....commented even to the IRS in his letter to them so I could get the penalties waived...he thought there was something more wrong & that he had advised him to see a neurologist....whether the beginning of dementia, alzheimers, or had a mild stroke after I first left him.....but something has really messed up even more his already messed up mind.

I think it would explain his situation better than just thinking he's a total & complete idiot & jerk....gives him much more of a benifit of the doubt than just writing him off as a complete & total looser (which really still may be the reality)....no matter why.....I don't want to have anything more to do with him, his attitudes, or his ways.

Still no word on my questions....guess he feels that there's no point over the holiday weekend since there's no mail....can't send the quit claim anyway. I have never been able to figure out his thinking or his mind.....it's in some spaced out place as it's always been.

[Leed]

Do you REALLY think there's something wrong with his mind, i.e. dementia or do you think he's just plain irresponsible and has a "who gives a darn" attitude? Sure he might have ADD, but does that excuse this? Does it excuse the fact that he hasn't answered any of the questions put to him? I just don't see it that way. I think he just doesn't give a darn, and he's being revengeful for you leaving him and wants to put you in a "bad space."

I'm probably wrong, but he's probably got some "friends" egging him on telling him what and what not to do.

Husbands can be really vindictive when they want to be. Take care & keep us posted, will you? Hugs, Lee

[eskielover]

Pdoc that we were both seeing wrote a letter to the IRS that he had told him to go see s neurologist because he thought more was wrong with him than just the ADD that caused him to completely not respond to their letter for 10 months (at the time we first went back to KY to find my farm & when I first left, it wasn't with permanent separation in mind). He was complaining that he couldn't hold onto tools or function that summer I first left.....I mean, we had been separated even though living under the same roof for 13 years.....he thought like I did that he either might have had a mild stroke (he had untreated high blood pressure) or even before that, I was asking the pdoc if he thought my H had some level of dementia. He didn't deny it, but he said there was a need for a neurologist to determine that & obviously, he refused to go to find anything out. That was one of the conditions I had put on him for coming back to my farm was that it was determined what was going on with his mind........this is just more of that same.....which even though he had been bad all our 33 years of living in the same house.....t wasn't this bad....but it could be because he's angry that I left & he's speaking out of both sides of his mouth....saying he wants the divorce while on the other, it's making him feel like a complete failure once the divorce is actually final...until then it's not a reality in his mind.

That's has always been the problem with him is that he never says what he thinks, so you never know where in the world he's coming from.....which has always been how he's pushed my buttons & always denied he knew he was doing it.

I wish I really knew where he was coming from just once in his life so that I could actually understand the why he acts the way he does.....that indicates that he's just a jerk.....but that it's become worse, I know that dementia/alzheimers can make the bad worse like with my grandmother.....she was always a sort of mean spirited person....but when the alzheimers hit.....she was beyond mean...she was physically dangerous to my grandfather even with her bad hip (she wore out her first hip replacement & had to have a second).....that was how we finally were able to get her out of the house & into the care she needed.

It doesn't matter if there is something wrong or not....leaving him is the only solution.....however talking to adult protective services & getting some financial guardianship set up might be something that's necessary because there's no one really to look after him...our daughter is about 1/2 way between him & where I settled.

He has no touch with anyone we knew. I haven't had any touch with them either, but just lately, I was trying to find out if they know anything about him & he has just basically disappeared to everyone......so who knows if he's gone into complete isolation & is just listening to what his own mind is telling him (that is also like all the previous years)....or has found someone who is now suggesting what to do......he never listened to anyone.

Even his mother commented at my mother's funeral that they were leaving him alone until he figured himself out....that was several years before I finally left him. They stopped helping him long ago & really stopped having much to do with him....never included him in on any of the family get togethers.....but he never had anything to do with them either even when his dad was sick & in the hospital & all the other kids were there for support.

He's always been in his own world. You could talk to him & if he was reading or watching TV or anything else he was interested in, you didn't exist....but that could have been the ADD. He said growing up in a house of 4 kids, he had to learn to shut out the noise....but shutting out noise & shutting out people is 2 different things.

Just have never known where he's been coming from since the beginning of the marriage which has made it impossible to have any relationship with him. Its not different just worse & it's hard to tell if it's because he's worse or just getting angry for the way his life had gone & isn't willing to take responsibility for what he's done because he never felt he was doing anything wrong with his credit spending....& his feeling of entitlement was continual from the time I knew him.

I think if there was something wrong with him it would more explain his behavior in a nice way than him just being a total & complete jerk even though it's what he's been all the years I have known him....but how much worse it's become...could either be because he's angry because he's where he is & is blaming it on me......or if it is an illness, that could explain a lot also.

With NO communication....it's impossible to really say what's going on from 2100 miles away.