[TherpistMom]

So this is my first post, so I figured that I would focus on what I came here for. I have been officially divorced for over a year now, and separated for 2 before that. I have an amazingly smart 4 year old boy, who I share custody of with my ex. I work really hard at trying to maintain a civil relationship, but my ex is closed-minded, vindictive, and sometimes downwright ignorant. I feel as though I got out of that relationship for a reason, but now my son is having to contend with him all on his own. He treats our son fine, and is not abusive, but we have extremely differing opinions about parenting, and my ex refuses to work with me to be on the same page. Any thoughts or suggestions would be immensely helpful, are there other divorced parents out there who are going through anything like this???
Thanks.

[Leed]

All I can tell you is for the sake of the boy, you both are going to have to "act" as if you 'like' each other when in the presence of the boy. This is going to be very difficult, but very important.

You may need to meet together without your son to try to come to terms on the best way to bring him up since you are at differing opiinions. It might be good to see a therapist who deals with parenting, and get some advice. I think a professional would really be a good idea since your husband is a vindictive type who only wants to hurt YOU. This needs to come to the attention of the therapist too.

Hopefully a therapist can give you both better parenting skills and with any luck your ex will go along with what he suggests. But your sons life is at stake here, and I hope he understands that.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us posted, will you? We really DO care. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

Hi TherpistMom,

You are in a pretty common situation after divorce, when children are involved. We all have different ideals of correct parenting, That isn't unusual at all ~ as these struggles often occur during marriage itself.

My recommendation is that you focus on the well-being of your son. That's the logic that I use to get me through everyday. My ex-hub and I have different diets, exercise/ activity beliefs, play rituals, etc. But, my girls love their daddy very much. And they love mommy. Mommy is more structured. We get exercise daily, and we eat healthy meals (minimizing "fun" snacks), and read. I think that they appreciate both perspectives towards life. Daddy is a lot more lenient and relaxed. Mommy is a stickler for rules, but joins in the fun here & there.

Anyway, children do pick up on the differences between mommy and daddy's rules pretty quickly. They also know how to work within them and occasionally challenge the rules. My general opinion is for you to take your personal emotions out of the relationship (easier said than done, I know) and let your son develop a healthy and enjoyable relationship with his father.

Best wishes to you!

[Mike_J]

My soon to be ex has been taking absolute delight in NOT "co-parenting" it tears me up to see our daughter put in this situation. In the long run you HAVE to put your child's best interest in front of your anger.

My soon to be ex and I have different ideas on some rather basic things that are causing problems. I don't have much in the way of thoughts or suggestions but I am going through a similar situation.

[flowergal]

Hi,
It is hard, I know! When my ex and I split up we were forced to take a "parenting class" and believe it or not, they actually gave me the best piece of advise, that is USABLE, that I have heard about this issue! They suggest that you don't just co-parent... you actually consider yourselves business partners, and your "business" is your child.

Sounds weird, but it works. Not business like your job, but your business of the child. You only talk about things that affect the child, and what the child needs. Keep it all on him, and don't become personally involved with your ex.

It is not as easy as it sounds, but I have learned that I don't' discuss anything personal with the ex, and when he starts going off in that direction, I lead him back to our son. We have managed to remain friendly towards each other, and that's especially handy when we are around our boy.

Hope that helps! Let me know if you try it!