This makes me happy (a positive divorce post)

With the end of the 12 month requirement in my state to divorce coming soon (less than 8 weeks), I have been looking at information on how to proceed.

A little background since I have not posted much, if any, on this particular forum. Back in March, my wife (essentially my ex) decided she didn't want to be married anymore. In a nutshell, she wanted the younger, wilder life again and proceeded to have multiple bfs since then, and is now living with the latest one. Anyway I'll leave out a lot of the mess that she left me, financially. She has no job still. She collects food stamps, illegally really as she doesn't have the kids... but I'm getting to that part. This has gone on for awhile. She left me when she had no job, did get one for a short time and quit, got another and got fired and hasn't had one since. Anyway that's just the tip of the iceberg. But my point is not about that.

After separating our home situation was that we had two leases and since she had no job, I had initially tried to keep up both (sstupid I know) and ended up losing a new car, both leases and ended up wth evictions on my record. She found a bf that would let her move in after being kicked out of a roommate situation... o.O Yeah I know. crazy. I was married (am married) come march it will be 14 years. I moved into an extended stay hotel and have remained since. it's easiest for me at the moment knowing that it's going to be difficult at best to find an apartment right now..

My kids are with me. She stayed in the hotel with me for a short time, lacking a place to live. When she left, the kids remained with me and have pretty much the entire time. She doesn't come around - using the excuse she has no vehicle (but really makes no attempts to find a way to see the kids much) and has no money (again, making no real attempt to find a job) The times she's contributed by buying us food, calling it support, she takes me shopping borrowing her bf's car since i have none yet either. ( I take a bus to work everyday and get a ride I pay for from a friend in the hotel) She says hi from the parking lot to the kids, gives them kisses and is on her way. That's about the only interaction they get with her. They have stopped asking about her anymore which saddens me as it seems they've kind of given up on her coming around..

So with that in mind I was happy to see this:

"If one parent moves out and leaves the kids with the other parent, does it hurt the moving parent's chances of getting custody at a later date?

In a word, yes. Even when a parent leaves to avoid a dangerous or highly unpleasant situation, if the parent hopes to have physical custody at a later time it's unwise to leave the children behind. The parent who leaves sends a message to the court that the other parent is a suitable choice for physical custody. Also, assuming the children stay in the home where the parents lived as a family, continue in the same school, and participate in their usual activities, a judge may be reluctant to change physical custody, if only to avoid disrupting the children's regular routines."

~via http://www.nolo.com/legal-encycloped...q-29054-2.html

Yay. I take care of the boys 24 x 7. Without any help from her. According to that she's giving up a lot by her actions.

Just had to rave about this news

That IS good new! I have no doubt that you'll get custody anyway, with the way she's been acting. She certainly hasn't been showing that she's "Mother of the Year."

So feel confident that you'll get custody. I have no doubt. I just wish she hadn't left you in such dire financial straits!

Keep us posted on what happens, will you? I'll be sending prayers your way. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you so much. Of course I'll be posting the news. With as little as she tries to spend time with them, I feel that she just doesn't want them in the way of her freedom she may not even fight it.

How difficult this must be for you. (((HUGS)))

If she left the relationship, she left the kids, makes no /minimal advances as far as contacting the kids then I would think it would be a no brainer to a judge.

I know this answer most likely already, but is she paying you child support. She should be if she is not. Any man would have to pay even if he didn't have a job or he'd be thrown in jail, so is she paying.

My sister in law, put in writing and her and my brother in law both signed an agreement that he didn't have to pay her child support and that he would never ask for custody or even partial custody. They both signed and had it noterized. That is as close to legal as they could get w/ out forking out to much money for a lawyer. He sees his son 3 or 4 times a year and agrees that the child will be better off w/ out knowing him well. He is most likely correct.

Is something like that something you and her could discuss. You keep custody and she doesn't have to give you support. You don't have to exclude them from her life just make sure they will not stay w/ her in a permanent living arrangement.

Well that's my goal. I won't keep them from her I just want to be the primary caregiver and I want it on paper.

idc about child support. I can take care of them and I figure that's how it should be. child support should be based on need, not just a given.

It's just the custody or living arrangements I want to make sure work for their favor which is to stay with me because she just isnt there for them

Would she be open to discussing this and doing something, an agreement of some sort, or would that just put the ball in motion for her to know that you are thinking about that and she would want to get in the way of what is best for the kids ASAP.

In the next 6 or 8 I forget which you said the divorce will be final. Will that come up in court then. They have been w/ you all along and are thriving correct. No trouble in school, good grades, or at least grades in school equilivent not dropping from what they were. The only thing that concerns me is living in a hotel. That doesn't sound like the best option for kids. A house or appartment. But is is better then living from home to home w/ mom and a strange man. That is my only concern for how a jucge might see things. Keep us updated. I think you mean well and the kids should be w/ you from the things you have said.

She knows my intentions. She knows that I take good care of the kids too. I'm not even sure she's gonna want all that much time with them anyway. I'm sure she wouldn't say no but she's also probably not going to push it either.

Exactly. I'm not real worried about the hotel thing. Many people do this in a transitional period like this. I don't even know if it will come up.

I dont' even know that a judge takes all that much time looking at things where things are agreed upon. I believe in a DIY divorce situation, you can take the stuff to the court, and he looks them over and probably will confirm we both agree and then sign off.

I think it will work out fine.

Oh how I hope you are right. The judge will just look over stuff and sign off.

Since you have soul custody now is that up for review to Or do you just have guardianship (where the kids can stay w/ either of you, but you have the power to make all final decisions) and not soul custody and it has just worked out that the kids are w/ you? I just assume you have soul custody, but never assume anything is my moto.

Reguardless I hope the judge sees and the kids get to stay w/ you.

like the article states, the fact that she left the kids with me when she split, the likelihood that she would gain custody now is next to none. That was the point of my post - that what she's done kind of made it easy for me to have primary custody of the kids.

There is no custody. We have no formal custody document at the moment. And I'm not trying to have custody. Shared is likely what it will be but i want them to primarily be with me physically.

Sorry I was under the impression you were concerned about her gaining full custody even though you have done an execellent job taking care of them

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Great news for you!! Considering she has no means of supporting the kids or providing a roof over their heads anyway, looks like that puts some more icing on the cake foe you!! Congrats!! Sending prayers!!

I'm not sure but I thought I heard somewhere that you cannot agree that the absent parent does not have to pay child support nor can you sign any legal document. Support is your child's right, not yours. You cannot sign it away.

I'm probably wrong. I may have heard this from Judge Judy.

That may be correct if you go threw the courts, if you make an agreement on your own and the courts know nothing of it then it's up to you. When that fails though and you go to child enforcement thats another story. Some one will pay most likely.

Straight from the NC law site. you can agree. The guidelines for the state are apparently, just that, guidelines and per a judge they can be worked out between the divorcees.

Thing is, I agree that it's the children's right. They deserve to be taken care of and that there is financial means for them to be taken care of. No question there. But it's not like social security where they receive that and it's to them but this is payment to the other parent in need to take care of the children, they do not get direct financial payment. So it's not really that the kids have a right to the money, it's not their money. it's for care.

Don't get me wrong. I am not against Child support but I think it should be based on who has the means and who has the kids. If I have them primarily, I don't expect anything from her. Why? because I have the means financially to support them fully. She doesn't. Why would it be fair for her to pay?

Well Child support enforcement is just that, enforcement. it still falls on the child support agreement. If it's decided on by the divorcing couple, all Child support enforcement will do is enforce what's on the agreement. If you go through the courts to decide, yes someone will always pay, of course. But that will be in court, prior to the enforcement dept. getting involved. Does that make sense?

i am speaking on this partially based on experience. I paid child support to my first ex for 12 or 13 years through the office of child support enforcement, it was best that way because it was taken out of my check automatically and easier that way. But still they weren't the ones to impose the amount, it was the paper work they worked from that was decided on in the divorce.

S4 I do understand. Courts set the rate and enforcement enforces the amount. My H is self employed and when he does weekly payroll he just automatically deducts whatever child enforcement says. It is much easier that way most of his employees agree.

I agree if your ex wife has no means of paying child support, and the children's needs are being met by you then that is the main thing. That their needs are met some way somehow. In the long run messing w/ child support and there mom is most likely a losing battle. She is your ex wife but there mother and as seldom as they do see her, still what hurts her will hurt them. So if you guys agree that this arrangement is best then that is a good thing.

Another note and in support of the idea that she'll probably not try very hard to fight much.. She called me last night starting out with her broken laptop... long story short, she's not doing well. Said to me "I'm a mess" after I told her she needs to "get a job, take care of herself and quit relying on others." She said "I know" and burst out crying. So in a nutshell I am pretty sure she's gonna be pretty flexible.

Spoke to my ex yesterday about the coming date - in March. She was completely oblivious to the fact that the end of our marriage would be official soon. O.O

Anyway with all the stuff going on she's apparently come to the realization that she isn't at a point where she can take care of the kids much. our conversation was not about this but I felt it was time I brought it up with her. She actually was the one that brought up that we can work things out ourselves. (I had told her this months ago but she was adamant that we needed lawyers to do this for us) Well I agreed and proceeded to tell her what I expect. I told her that I would like to be the primary care or responsible parent in the divorce and added that she would have full access too them and open visitation as long as she gave notice reasonably. Funny thing was she intially just said "that's fine" No argument, no confrontation. She did say at one point, "well we should have a schedule" but I added "well I don't want to put pressure on you to have to see them on x date etc. with your life as erratic as it is right now it would be easier on you to just have an open visitation with them where you could see them when it's best for you." She did agree to that.

Things are looking up. Just thought I'd share.

S4 that is such good news. It is a good thing you guys can be civil. It sounds like she is a good mom if for no other reason then knowing what is best for her children, you are the best for there children. I hope things continue to go smoothly.

Thats great!!!!!!!