[emmachey]

Hi,

I have been married for 20 years. We had been dating for 8 months and he wanted to take a trip overseas before we tied the knot. So I let him. He had an affair with a woman while travelling. He was in an open marriage before, so it was no big deal for him. I have to back up a bit here to explain....I started working at a place when I was married before (this is 2nd marriage) and fell head over heels in love with my boss. I thought he felt the same way, and month after month we kept things above board. We enjoyed talking to each other. No hanky panky. So, ok, I'm married to this guy (not the one who cheated on me, above) and we are totally not right for each other. Plus, he isn't nice to my daughter and I'm getting ready to split with him. Then I find out my boss is thinking of taking a job a long way away and I will never see him again. So, I tell him how I feel about him. He listens and doesn't say much, but the next day we begin talking about our feelings for each other. Now, we've known each other for over a year and no sex but a definite physical attraction going on. He is married, I am married. Neither one has cheated before and we don't know quite what to do. I am 36, he is 38. So, we do end up in a wonderful physical relationship...he is fun to be with, sense of humor, and also sense of integrity....I have left my husband. My lover has decided he cannot cheat on his wife and he has to try to make things work. He tells me I should date his friend....so I do....we get married and have been married now for 20 years. But it was never right. I was angry with him for cheating on me while he was travelling. He promised he would not do that and loved only me. I felt humiliated. How could I face my ex lover, who I worked with? My current husband had bought an engagement ring for me while he was travelling...I guess it was in his pocket when he was cheating on me. So in anger and pride I insisted on getting married. I have tried to make things work and I think he has too...but we are mismatched. Fast forward......I found my 'boss', my lover that I had when I was 36. We have not seen or talked for 23 years. Now I am 60 and he is 62. He is unmarried, his marriage didn't work out. I am married.....things are just so ironic. We are only communicating via email and we don't want to talk about our past feelings because that would be stepping over the line. But we are absolutely delighted with one another. He says his face lights up with a smile and his heart lifts when he sees an email from me. I feel the same. Obviously there is a lot of feeling on both sides but since I'm married I'm being careful......my husband (the one who likes to travel) is away right now travelling and has been for a month....I cannot go for various reasons I won't get into here, but they are valid reasons. I feel happier talking to this man via email than I have for 20 years. We understand each other. He has empathy and a kind heart. He is a psychologist. Should I just keep living with my husband, pretend I'm happy and keep this friendship going via email? Should I tell my husband I am talking to this man...who is an old friend of his? I should tell you that my current husband was married for 20 yrs before he knew me..they had an open marriage but he remembers just about everything his ex ever felt or said, but after 20 yrs with me he can't remember my likes or dislikes, or maybe just does not care. My old lover, on the other hand, remembers just about everything we said and did in the months we were together. I feel like fate has played us a nasty hand. We were both tied up with other people, now he's not and I am. I have thought about this man every day for 23 years. What now? I would like what is left of my life to be happy. Our kids are all grown up and really don't care what we do.

[kaliope]

only you can decide to stay or not. something has kept you in the relationship for 20 years. you neglect to say whether psychologist is willing to consider a relationship if you leave your husband. whenever making a decision like this, I go with a pro/con list. what are the pros to staying in the relationship and what are the reasons to leave. if there are more reasons to leave then there are to stay, then the decision is made for you.

[spondiferous]

Honestly, from reading your post it seems pretty clear to me. I don't know what your reasons are for staying with your current husband, as you haven't really said. You outline more reasons for leaving than for staying. I don't even consider the re-emergence of your ex boss an issue. I just question why you would stay in a situation you're not happy with, especially when there's nothing in it for you?