[CBCS]

This is a long writing. I'm asking a lot from complete strangers to read through this and, if you are willing, respond. There was no way to make this a snippet. I have never been on a message board in my life, so please bear with me as I clumsily figure this out. I may not even be in the right area.

With that being said, let me throw this out there. I'm a man in my mid-40's. My life has been in a downward spiral for a couple of years. My second marriage was failing, we were unhappy, and the household was not healthy. We muddled through. There were arguments. There were mean things said by both of us during these arguments. There was never any physical abuse or anything like that on either side.

This past year was the worst. It's as if we just gave up. There was just a dull pain. Nothing left in either one of us. We were just grinding it out. I was never a drinker other than socially, but that picked up and I started having a drink a night a few months back (about 3 months ago). About a month ago it turned into a couple a night. I was just numbing myself to the pain. I hit a personal bottom. So did my wife.

It used to be that when we got into an argument, if it was a particularly negative one, she'd threaten divorce and I would resist at that point. I never took off my ring or anything. But recently I began saying, "Just do it. I'm not going to argue about it. I don't care anymore." And I really didn't. I figured someday she'd quit and divorce me, or, like me, she'd just grind it out to the end. There was no hope.

Saturday night last week we got into an argument because she lied to me. The argument heated up and she sent some texts. A short while later a guy showed up at the door and served me. There it was. We were getting divorced. I had envisioned this day. The two possible scenarios where that I got angry, told her it was the best and stormed out; the better one, I thought, would be that I kept my cool, and coldly packed my things and walked out without another word. I did neither. I just stood there. I didn't move. I was in shock. We talked about it calmly. I was numb.

I woke up the next morning and, well, I don't know how else to say this, but all I felt was love. The love we had when we first met and developed the relationship. I don't know why. I was ready for divorce. I was also ready to grind out an unhappy marriage for life. But I wasn't ready to be stripped of everything and feel pure love towards her. There was no desperation in me. I wasn't feeling like a desperate victim who wanted to cling onto her and the relationship out of insecurity. I laid there in bed and said, "Although it takes two to tango, I can't control that. I'm going to fix myself. Clean up my side of the street. I'll do it with or without her, but I want it to be with her." I felt unending love for her and it pulsed through my body.

I went downstairs and grabbed a relationship book off my bookshelf, with the workbook, that I had bought a couple of years ago but never even cracked the spine. I got to work. It was the perfect book because the first half was all about me, not the relationship. It was all about writing, taking surveys, taking stock, and seeing myself as I am. The person I became was ugly, and I have this unending desire to change that. How I set up the relationship this way. I ended up taking Wed - Fri off to focus on my new work, and we spent the evenings talking. My eyes are wide open.

I'm not looking to change my wife. I'm looking to change myself and my environment. It may be too late for her. She's got one foot out the door and mentally prepared for divorce. But she's receptive and she sees the change, even with her hesitancy. She's also responsive.

It has been one week now since this happened. I feel like a new man. It has been hard looking at myself in the mirror. I've cried on and off during the week for the first time in years, possibly decades. I've dug deep. I'm committed.

Now, this does not mean that my behaviors have changed for good. I understand that. They have in the immediate, but I'm in the newness of the revelation. I recognize I'm going to need help...Counseling. Books. Friends. And whatever else is out there to help. The "experience" changed me to my core, but now the work begins.

All that to get to this question: is it possible that I changed overnight? I feel like there has been a chemical change in me. I'm a new person. I recognize it's only the beginning as far as the work, but it almost seems impossible to me that this could happen. I want to repeat: this is not an act of desperation to keep my wife. I will change myself even if she divorces me. However, I truly want this to work. I went from despair to enlightened overnight. I want to show her the man I can be...for life. If this is possible that this genuinely happened to me, is there a name for it?

If you made it through this writing I appreciate it, and I'd like to respectfully ask your thoughts.

Sincerely,

CBCS

[Perna]

Hi, CBCS, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I believe one can change one's perspective suddenly with new realizations. You know how you can be thinking of a problem/situation and then dream about it and solve it (called "sleeping on a problem")? I don't see why you and your unconscious can't have gotten the "message" to one another about what you really want, what's important to you, what sort of man you'd like to be, etc.

I'm glad it happened to you so you were able to take advantage of it perhaps before it was too late.

[gnat]

When my brother was served, he changed overnight. For him it was too late, his wife was done with him, there were no more chances. Even as they've been apart for several years now, he carries a maturity h never had in the past. He accepts his respo sibility in the situation and is working hard to better himself, even after all this time. Although he and his wife have parted and he's in a new relationship now, it is much healthier, and as he continues communications with his ex wife (they have a daughter together which requires them to continue contact) they have beam respectful of each other.

[CBCS]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, CBCS, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I believe one can change one's perspective suddenly with new realizations. You know how you can be thinking of a problem/situation and then dream about it and solve it (called "sleeping on a problem")? I don't see why you and your unconscious can't have gotten the "message" to one another about what you really want, what's important to you, what sort of man you'd like to be, etc.

I'm glad it happened to you so you were able to take advantage of it perhaps before it was too late.

I'm hoping I got the message before it's too late, but that's not up to me. I'm doing what I can and hoping/praying for the best. Great insight, though, and I thank you for taking the time. I would have never thought of my subconscious getting the message...

[CBCS]

Originally Posted by messedinthehead

When my brother was served, he changed overnight. For him it was too late, his wife was done with him, there were no more chances. Even as they've been apart for several years now, he carries a maturity h never had in the past. He accepts his respo sibility in the situation and is working hard to better himself, even after all this time. Although he and his wife have parted and he's in a new relationship now, it is much healthier, and as he continues communications with his ex wife (they have a daughter together which requires them to continue contact) they have beam respectful of each other.

Thank you for that. I really needed to hear it. It might be too late for me, too, but I hope to develop that same integrity and carry it through life, regardless of what happens.

[eskielover]

I know it can happen if the person really does want that change to happen. Sometimes it takes a traumatic experience to shake the person enough to really understand how serious the situation has become & just how much a part of the cause of it they are.

I am glad that you had this realization......I was hoping my maybe not hoping that my stbxh would get a wake up call....more for his own benefit because after 33 years of living under the same roof, I HAD ENOUGH!!!! & there was no chance for him any more.....but his arrogance is way too much for him to ever change.....6 years after I left him (just started working on the divorce last year).....he still the same idiot he was before I married him & for all the years I lived with him & he just kept hammering the nail into the divorce cofin over the last 6 years. I remember his arrogant comment as we were driving from Ca to my KY farm.....he said he thought I would continue tolerating him forever because I had done if for so long....he never believed I would leave him. For me, the time away gave me so much insight into all my feelings about the marriage & realized the things I realized I didn't like before I got married & was going to call an end to the wedding were the same things that I left him for 33 years later......sometimes we have an awareness that is so very important......be it for of against the marriage. I changed when I left.....I could finally be the person I had lost when I got married.

I think what determines the change that is made is what realizations we do see in looking at the whole picture....if you are capable of doing that which to your goodness you are able to do this....which is also why you are able to change. My stbxh doesn't see that he's a problem....never has....but his attitude is a serious problem.....you don't have arrogance standing in your way......this is a very good thing & the desire to fix yourself no matter what is the most important key to why you will be successful at this.

Anything can be changed if we want it bad enough.

[Bobbarita]

I was married 20 years. The verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse along with rage, anger, and control issues he has came to light slowly (for me). I consulted a lawyer in 2007 but didn't act on it. 6 years later we retire to a gorgeous home in an upscale community in a warm southern state. The abuse worsens, there are arguments all the time---sarcasm, name calling, belittling. I couldn't take it anymore. The last thing he said to me as I packed my suitcase, (I did return for a short 3 week period hoping to reconcile after he begged me on the phone), was "You're going to leave ALL THIS???!!!" and he swept his hand to indicate all the luxury, all the beauty of our home. The last thing I said, "I love this home. It was our dream. But I am leaving YOU. I can't take your abuse any longer!" Fast forward, divorced last week after 1 year of legal nonsense (his), have the house to sell, find my own place, etc.

Perhaps you have changed. Perhaps this is your "wake-up" call. Perhaps it came too late to save your marriage. Changing, at your age, (BTW I'm 59), is possible but unlikely. The same applies to your wife. As my therapist said, when I did not have the courage to leave, "Life is a short walk on earth. Don't waste it. Ask yourself if you want to spend that time arguing, sad, miserable and depressed." I had an epiphany like yours a week later. Marital therapy didn't work---we had numerous sessions over the years all initiated by me. He said something to me, (it was actually less insulting than usual), and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. We'll both live on 1/2 of what $ we had before. Too bad, but I would not trade the peace I've experienced with him gone for any amount of money. 20 years. I hope G-D grants me 20 more to find the loving happiness I sought from the beginning. I just learned he has been diagnosed with cancer. Karma spares no one.

[eskielover]

"You're going to leave ALL THIS???!!!"

Oh my.....I heard the same thing only it was one of those things constantly said when I kept wanting a divorce because I couldn't stand him for the 33 years I lived under the same room (married). Everytime I said I wanted a divorce, he kept saying...but we have more money to work with if we are together than what a divorce will leave.....so I kept hiding in my career until I no longer had it to hide in.....then the house wasn't worth enough & dividint the assets would have meant almost nothing & without my engineering job........I felt so trapped that for me suicide was my only way out....tried more times than I can even remember.....glad I didn't succeed because my mother died....I got enough $ to leave & buy my own home.....I walked out 6 years ago....but because of financial issues didn't go for the divorce until now. 2100 miles away makes it difficult to even get anything out of the divorce as far as my things & furniture. Not even sure how to work that out ATM....don't even have enough $ now to make the trip across the US with my horse trailer & truck to get my things out of the house......lots of things have a lot of meaning to me & I have lost so many things over my life it would be nice to have some family things that do mean alot....but so be it....like you....My peace & my freedom from the abuse I went through is so much better if it comes down to not being able to get anything.

[4D2Long]

No, to answer your question...YOU did not change...SHE did....she decided she was not going to live with unhappiness and an unfulfilled life....so she put in action her last resort solution......You said it yourself...you claim to have pulled a relationship workbook off the shelf, bought years earlier...you decided to look at it in a moment of desperation...but you always knew where it was....you did not care to look at the book meaning you were tempting her unhappiness to see how far it would go...whatever caused you to not care enough to crack open the spine of one of those cheesy relationship rescue books is anyones guess...but it says a lot....but too late in the process...some men own more financial wealth than women and are better at pushing the limit....especially during the home stretch years....they know they are not happy, they make their spouse miserable and know they could never talk themselves into cleaning up their act in order to attract another woman...but that fact makes them even angrier at their spouse.....

What happened to you was good old fashioned "shock"... you were shocked that you might have to explain to everyone what happened...then you will become " one of those people"...you know the ones...married for 35 yrs, then wham....divorce...everybody talks...everybody forever remembers that you were the guy whose middle aged wife was tormented so bad, she had to divorce you in order to gather control of her own life and to have finanial freedom.....

We as a society, know that middle aged women are about home, family, and security...women our age do not decide to buy a sports car and trade in our middle aged men...unless we are being treated bad in our long time marriage...so for everybody out there who takes exception to my post, you know its true...and so do your peers....

To you I would say...be real....stop reading books to determine your marital happiness...if your wife can specify your problem areas...trust that she is doing that to help you to understand her unhappiness...there is nothing...and i mean nothing in this world as miserable than a tortorous marriage of more than 30 yrs...the longevity creates even worse scenarios than a couple married only five years...and then let a divorce lawyer tell you that you cannot afford financially at your age to live separately and you have the makings of hell on earth...if she wants out...do her a favor and help her...you will gain self respect if you try to resurrect happiness in your spouse...again...NO...you cannot change...you should have read that book many years earlier

[oldlife_disrupted]

"We as a society, know that middle aged women are about home, family, and security"

Not quite. I'm currently living the opposite and I'm hearing quite a few cases that women leave in their 40's because they've lived that life since too young of an age and they need to escape.

And I'm really not liking that assumption because I know that once the separation is official, people will start whispering about how I must have been an awful person to live with when I've been trying real hard to make her happy (to the point of exhaustion) not knowing she was depressed and she needed help I couldn't give her.

[4D2Long]

Originally Posted by oldlife_disrupted

"We as a society, know that middle aged women are about home, family, and security"

Not quite. I'm currently living the opposite and I'm hearing quite a few cases that women leave in their 40's because they've lived that life since too young of an age and they need to escape.

And I'm really not liking that assumption because I know that once the separation is official, people will start whispering about how I must have been an awful person to live with when I've been trying real hard to make her happy (to the point of exhaustion) not knowing she was depressed and she needed help I couldn't give her.

If you think back further, you will likely find a time where you were stubborn and willfull.....and perhaps this was the time your spouse realized she could not be a 65 yr old woman in this relationship...perhaps she is afraid of aging with you..... the reason women often wait till their forties to make life changes is because of children and the need for stability..once a womans children are almost grown or grown, and there is no hope for stability...she, if she is lucky and smart, has the good sense to find refuge and solace, even if that means being alone....men need to understand, this is not the olden days...

Some women actually catch on fast now.....some women even earn a bigger paycheck...and wow....some can think for themselves and learn how before senility sets in.....but society will see you as the bad guy if your spouse has been known to run a well organized home, be a good mother and be supportive of her family...we are like that when it comes to this topic...and unless you can show that she has been buying lacy undies, flirting with the grocery store bagger or having online relationships, we continue "as a society", to believe that this poor woman suffered in a marriage with a miserly difficult man till which time she scrimped and saved, till she could dig her way out....

I admit...I was not the one who saw the shadowed images in time...to do much for my own issue, but I had exceptional circumstances that made it difficult...I admire women who can distinguish between a yellow peach and a white peach.....and know which tastes better to her.....if your wife is depressed...ask her how you can help her....research the subject...show your interest....sometimes all a person needs is for someone to say they care.....its not all about finding a pill

[oldlife_disrupted]

No actually that doesn't match our life at all. These assumptions are old fashioned and wrong. Hopefully in time people will drop that attitude.