[PeachCream22]

In terms of separation with my ex, I've been really proud of myself. I've resisted a lot of temptations, I've learnt from my mistakes and applied them for my life. Such examples, include, cutting off contact by blocking on social media, deleting relevant numbers off my phone, trying to be busy, resisting the temptation to stalk online, talking to my friends about it. It works. it really does. PsychCentral has been nothing but wonderful and helpful. I've never once tried to initiate contact with my ex, no matter how strong the temptation is. It was always he who found a way to contact me, and it was those times that broke me down, when I'm trying to hold it all together. I don't think he will, or can contact me anymore, since I recently blocked him off on a lot of communication methods.

However, feelings are coming back. The feeling of missing him. Jealousy on how he might do so much more better than me in life. He's going to change, move on, I've heard he's got a girlfriend already, studying hard for his future, be a better person, while I'm just stuck here reminiscing about the past and feeling resentful like a bitter ex girlfriend. Believe me, I've tried to not be one. I've tried so hard and got so far. But sometimes I don't know why, maybe I haven't completely moved on. I hate that.

Maybe it's because after our schooling days together last year, he still hurt me so badly and then kept contacting me for the next few months until this year April on and off. I've felt a mixture of feelings on and off....and it was difficult. It's been about a month since he last contacted me. I think it's the on/off thing that keeps killing me over and over again, like Prometheus, his liver regenerated over and over again just to have a crow dig into his body alive and eat his liver again and again....

The breakup was almost two years ago. I've run out of methods. Maybe I'm pushing the blame, but sometimes I just feel like maybe I shouldn't have let him in after the breakup. Series of complicated awkward avoidances and conversations in a vicious cycle of good interlaced with bad memories (mostly bad) JUST MAKES IT HARDER, even if you weren't together anymore. He's bad for my health.

I'm gonna break down tonight. I don't know how to cope anymore.

Thanks for reading.

[TrueMe]

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry you're feeling so low at this moment. I was struck with several thoughts while reading your post. 1. Dang this girl is an awesome writer! You are so articulate and intelligent, very aware of who you are and where you're at. 2. Even though you have done everything you can do to stop all communication with your ex, as long as he kept contacting you, which he did up until last month, he effectively stalled your healing process. Each time he reaches out, there is that tiny tiny voice of He Still Needs Me, that last little thread attached to your heart. Severing that thread is painful, as you face being replaced. When he stops contact for good that thread will be cut and you can fully absorb him completely moving on. It may have been two years since the breakup, but it's only been a month since you've heard from him. You control not contacting him, he controls not contacting you. And that hurts. A lot. This is your last painful hurdle. You've jumped many thus far, you can do this one! It's ok to break down, you're human. Cry as much as you need, then get back up as you have been. Please keep us posted.

[Piraeus]

I know you don't want to hear this, but you will heal over time. I have been divorced for four years now. I have a child with her, so there has to be some contact. I am lucky. She lets my daughter come for a whole month in the summer. I usually see her at Thanksgiving or spring break, for about ten days.

I agree with TruMe. It's ok to break down. I have many times. It's not easy. I cried my eyes out for months. I hope you find some healing.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

[PeachCream22]

TrueMe:
Ok, firstly, thank you for such a supportive and kind reply, not to mention helpful too.

I'd like to apologize for the long post in advance.

Well...I've been working on this for almost two years now. Trying lots of methods to move on, trying to be nice to my ex at school, doing my best to hold everything together at school, and I've learnt quite a few things in the process. So perhaps that's why I am "very aware of who I am and where I'm at." Thank you for saying that. It makes me feel like I'm on the right track while moving on.

I'm just so tired of absorbing this stuff you know? For two years, it's always been me trying to move on. Whatever he did that hurt me in any way, directly or indirectly (please excuse my rather blunt words as everything here is from my point of view, but of course, there's multiple sides to every story, in this case, my ex might have his own view of things, but I guess it doesn't matter for now) I always tried to imagine the WORST possible scenarios and then put myself and just keep hurting myself emotionally, thinking about those scenarios of him moving on and becoming better and better (in terms of pretty much everything) and then I'd die alone. Nobody wants me because I don't know how to love and deserve it. I absorb all that in again and again, so whatever he did in the future cannot hurt me anymore. If that makes sense. For example, at school, a month after the breakup, I heard that he likes someone who is I think his current girlfriend, and (before anything could happen between them) I'd imagine them together living happily and I'd just disappear off the face of Earth. I'll think about that scenario over and over again till I'm numb, until I no longer feel unhappy. I'll keep on absorbing the bad stuff until I become numb. That's the best I can ever do, numb.

I've tried to be happy for him. I've tried to be a good friends. I've tried to not hurt him. In the end, I was strong enough to break it off completely, and now I feel miserable. AND NOW I GOTTA ABSORB THIS new thing. It's like I can't seem to be happy anymore. My life will be centred around him in some way. I know it's all in my mind, I just can't escape it. I'm rather pessimistic, ever since that life-changing experience. Maybe I'm taking myself too seriously. Maybe I'm just depressed. Maybe I think too much.

Maybe I need help.

[PeachCream22]

Originally Posted by Piraeus

I know you don't want to hear this, but you will heal over time. I have been divorced for four years now. I have a child with her, so there has to be some contact. I am lucky. She lets my daughter come for a whole month in the summer. I usually see her at Thanksgiving or spring break, for about ten days.

I agree with TruMe. It's ok to break down. I have many times. It's not easy. I cried my eyes out for months. I hope you find some healing.

Sincerely,

Piraeus

I hope you are doing well too. Thank you for your insightful reply. It was very nice of you to share your story. It lifted my spirits up a little, to see someone can really become as strong as you. I hope I can become like you.

Thanks for saying it's okay.