[StokesBill28]

Last night I told my wife that I love her and want work on our 30 year relationship, but that I need space and will sleep in the other bedroom. Over the last couple of years she has been tempted to flirt with other men online and even develop emotional connections with them because she says something is missing from our relationship. We tried marriage counseling and I went to individual counseling when she backed out of marriage counseling and have tried really hard to make things work. I know that I bear half the responsibility for our relationship and have tried my best but sometimes work, kids, cooking, yard work and life get in the way.

Yesterday I found a naked photo of my wife that she sent to a man online that she met a week ago and was flirting and connecting with him. When I called her on it she tried to downplay it. When I told her that I was not ok with it and needed space because I could not pretend like nothing was going on she said she wants to stay with me but needs to figure out what is missing by connecting with this other man. In fact she told me she is planning on flying to see in a few months to see if she can figure out what is missing, even if it means risking losing me.

In my heart I love her and we have kids, a house, and all that stuff. In my mind I think we are done no matter what she finds with another man. I don't know if I can ever trust in our relationship again.

Do I follow my heart, or do I follow my head?

[healingme4me]

Follow your head.

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[eunoia535]

Seperate houses. So sorry.

[peaceseeker63]

She wants to keep you in the sidelines for support while she sows her wild oats! If this is ok with you, then sit back and watch.
Otherwise, does she say she loves you, but that something is missing? Or does she just say something is missing? Can she tell you what is missing? Is she willing to work on what is missing? Are you receptive? I separated from my husband and got myself a boyfriend about 1.5 years ago. I was missing sex, intimacy, companionship and financial help in my marriage. I told my husband explicitely what I needed, multiple times. He told me "I don't know what to tell you". His exact words. But then he was surprised and hurt when I moved out! I think your wife will find someone else and move on, or she will decide that the world if full of jerks and she has a good guy at home. But only she will know which one it will be, and it may take her awhile to decide. Now you have to decide if you want to sit and watch that, or take care of yourself.

[MattPerry35]

Man, that is tough. I know it would be hard but I think you need to say goodbye. Not only for your own well being but for the example this is setting for your children.

[sherbet]

I think you're in for more pain if you hang around and wait. I think she needs to reengage you in relationship decision-making--it's one thing if you had both decided to have an open marriage or agreed that she can consider her options for a while, but it looks like she's the only one calling the shots. She also needs to commit to marriage counseling. It's one thing that you can tolerate her search for what she's missing and give her some space, but what's disturbing is she's not acting like she's in any relationship with you at all. This is something you need to compromise on, together. I think if she could start acting like she's in a relationship with you may have a shot…because right now she's not acting like she's trying to repair what she has with you.

This sounds very difficult. I really do hope this works out for you.

When I read this my mouth literally dropped open.

Personally I would not spare her one more thought, worry, or tear.

I'm sorry that's hurtful and wrong. I have the same opinion as the others that its over.

[cabbageman]

My ex-wife started sleeping in another bed a year before we got in a fight that lead to divorce. I'm sorry to hear all of this. I know exactly what you are going through.

As hard as it is buddy, you really need to grow a pair asap and get a lawyer to proceed with divorce. Women do what they want, and ironically, their bodies are biologically wired to respond to alpha males (despite the fact their minds might not agree). You can read all about it in marriage forums and self-help books; it's called pulling a 180. If she wants out, open the door (pretty much). Check out the married man's sex life primer book. It talks about how relationships have been for the majority of mankind and how things have changed recently, although our bodies may not have caught up. Might seem like bull, but read the book.

Take charge of the relationship and stop being abused, because; (newsflash), you are! Nobody deserves this.

All I can say for sure is in my own relationships, I noticed whenever I started leading my own life and putting myself first, although women in the moment may not have liked it, they started respected me, because that was a boundary I chose to develop, and ironically, the more you don't want it, the more they do.

You see, you need to be the prize and it's up to them to chase you. If a woman is not interested, move on. There are many more suitable candidates and no matter how you feel; it's true.

Good luck and thanks for sharing.

[ICanSpellThornwell]

I pray for you and your family as you seek to fight for it instead of just giving up. There can be great joy in fighting for a marriage even in the midst of great heartache. Spend yourself for this marriage and you may begin to see things turn around. There is no marriage beyond repair.

-ICanSpellThornwell-

[StokesBill28]

Thank you all for your comments, it has helped me put things in perspective. I had a long conversation with my wife and made it crystal clear that I will leave if she does not commit to working with me on our relationship and stop looking outside for answers. She agreed and we are developing a plan together on how to repair things.

This is my last attempt to stay together with her, I will give it my all but if I find that she is not committed and honest with me it will be over. My wife seems to be sincere in wanting to stay together, but I can see that I need to grow and change as well as her if we are going to make it.

Thanks again for the help!