Divorce and Dating... Struggling with this :(

Here is the background: I was married at 27 to a man 10 years older than me; I already had a son 2 yrs old from a prior brief marriage. "Steve" and I had two more children and he also basically raised my son that I came to the marriage with. We were pretty happy for about the first 10 years. Then I noticed changes; he would often be depressed, act erratic, became very selfish. Not very family oriented. He blamed me for all of his unhappiness. I was a stay at home mom... did all the typical kid related stuff, was super involved, classroom mom, etc. My husband was an executive and traveled a lot. He moved up in his career and really was very successful but the more success and money, the more withdrawn and depressed he became. He would not go to therapy or consider meds. Around year 15, he really targeted me as the reason he was unhappy and began acting out in an aggressive way - he pushed me a few times, he called me names in front of the kids, super angry and uncontrollable yelling at times. I was walking on eggshells. No one else knew this, he was so mild mannered in front of others and at work.

By our 18th year of marriage (2 years ago), I made the decision to leave. His behavior was becoming scary - he refused to receive his mail at our home, he became paranoid that I was making changes to his cell phone plan so he changed our family passcode on a daily basis, he became ultra withdrawn and took his dinner and ate in his home office every night. He began flaking on things he promised to the kids, such as coming to some of their events. By the time I filed for divorce, I didn't recognize this person at all. He would not move out of our home, so I had to move. Something I now regret, because he is still comfortably living there and refused to let me back in to retrieve some more of my person items.

The legal aspect has been as ugly as it can get. He has lied in court, won't produce documents, and fights the divorce in general along the way. He would not ever go to a mediator - and now we have a trial set for the end of this month. Custody has been worked out, it's all financial now. I have sole custody of our older daughter (per her therapist, he was verbally abusing her, so there is to be no contact), and he has 50-50 with our youngest which so far is OK but I am monitoring that.

The last two years, I have casually dated 3 people for just very short periods - and those were not guys I really should have ever dated in the first place. I'm 47 but in great shape, most people think I am early 30s, and really my whole family looks young so I may have lucked out with good genes. I am very active and lucky enough to now have a job that pays well, so I have a lot of opportunity to travel both with and without my kids. The problem is, I cannot seem to meet anyone to have a relationship with... or even to date for that matter. So often people ask if I am dating anyone and I just cringe at that question. I feel like when I say no, they must think something is wrong with me. A few times, I have had friends say I "should" be dating. That's nice, but HOW do I even go about that? I don't want to do online dating, the one time I tried, I was too intimidated and it didn't seem natural. It seems like everyone else who is single around me lucks into meeting someone nice. That just doesn't happen to me.

Adding to this is that my ex pretty much found someone right away... she is JUST like me, even looks like me. He does all of the things for her that he used to complain in doing for me. Granted, she lives a bit far from him so they only see each other on weekends and sometimes not that often. It really bothers me that this man who was (and I am sure still is) mentally ill, was able to get someone - who is really pretty and smart by the way - and I'm the one who is alone and feeling lonely?? It just adds salt to the wound.

Wondering if anyone can relate. I go to events at work and am just blown away by how quickly most everyone else is showing up with a "new man" who seems great and I'm there by myself or with a family member. I loved being in a marriage and not that I need that again but I do want someone in my life - I am happy with my life, but it feels like something is missing. I am just not sure how to go about it, or if I need to chill and just wait until it happens, not force it? Hoping someone can relate, thanks!

Hello CAmommyof3: Your situation is not one I can offer help with. But I saw this is your first post here on PC. So I thought I would at least welcome you to PsychCentral. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hi CAmommyof3,

Welcome to the PC community!

Wow. Lots going on for you for a very long time now.

I am very sorry there wasn't a viable and helpful intervention which may have helped everyone, the whole family, long ago. I do understand you had tried and your husband was unable to participate on that level, for whatever reason.

I can share the fact that both my husband and I each have some of our own challenges. We each have seen our own therapists to deal with each of our own issues. For awhile, we also saw a couples' therapist, which was helpful at the time. We are very lucky we were each/both able to work through our own issues and also support one another.

I have many friends in transition, ending marriages and starting to date. They are not having fun, for the most part. First of all, there is a grieving process involved in healing the loss, even when the marriage has gone south. When people skip over this, they sell themselves short. Sooner or later, they need to take the time to go through the grieving process.

You may have gone through the grieving process. I do not mean to imply you have not. You may be ready to date, while many of my friends truly are not yet ready, are not truly emotionally available to anyone. They are still working on resolutions from their former marriage(s).

In time, you may find someone with whom you resonate. I have found this happens when we least expect it, or when we are not looking for it. It seems to come about spontaneously when the timing is right.

I am glad you are here and reaching out.
You and your family have been through a lot and, by the description you'd written, there is still more to settle in the finalization of the divorce, etc.

I am sure others will be along to welcome you, to share, to support you.

This is a huge site with lots of forums!
Please look around and make yourself at home anywhere you feel comfortable!

I hope to see you around the site!

My Very Best to You and to Your Family.
I hope every one of you, your ex included, will find healing.

Most Sincerely,
WC

I am so sorry to hear about the hardship you have experienced, but you are a very strong woman. You are strong for sticking up for yourself, drawing the line, and doing what was best for you and your kids. I also commend you for trying to make it work for so long. As far as dating goes, it will happen when it is supposed to. I know sometimes it is lonely without a companion, but it is better to wait than to rush into something that you are unsure of. As for your ex, he may not be as happy as he seems. Often times, we do not know what happens behind closed doors. When my ex and I split, he rushed into a new relationship, and I was crushed. Later on, I found out how unhappy he was and how he felt stupid for rushing into something that he wasn't ready for. He ended things with her only a few months after they started dating. Some people do that to distract themselves from the real issues that they need to deal with. It is a way that they avoid facing the underlying problem(s). Whereas, I took the separation for myself in order to get over things I needed to. It is also nice to start doing things you enjoy doing. You said you are really active, which is great. Perhaps running, hiking, or biking could be a good hobby to get into. I know that online dating seems weird, but it is a very common way in which people meet now a days. In-fact, most of the couples I speak with anymore say that they met on some form of the internet, whether it be a dating cite or Facebook for example. It makes sense considering how much we use technology. However, I still wouldn't rush into things. It will happen, and sometimes the best relationships are the ones you don't see coming. Keep your head up because it sounds like you have a lot going for you, and you should be proud and confident. The right man will come along