[Whisper888]

I'm getting prepared to leave my husband. And have been getting my affairs in order, before I leave. I do have a plan, but I'm hoping someone can give me their opinions...or a few tips that may help me.
My city has a free mediator that couples going through divorce can use. Basically to help u navigate and divide ur assets. I think this would save my husband and I thousands. My opinion right now is that we could probably part amicably and be fair to one another. Any thoughts on this? Should I talk to a lawyer anyways?
My plan is to move out of the house with my children. I can't afford my house alone. I will rent until the house sells. Will this hurt me in any way?
I've been looking into therapy groups for my kids. 8 and 10. Does anyone have any experience with this?
I'm truly open to any advice or tips anyone might have. Anything that might make things easier on my kids or myself. Or perhaps a book or website that is useful? Thanks in advance.

[BipolarMama31]

I can give you the story of my husbands divorce to hopefully answer some of your questions. Im not sure how much will apply to you, but here goes.

He left his wife and she was arrested for domestic violence. She abused him very badly and was removed from the home and he had sole custody of their son.

He had a lawyer and so did she. He agreed to let her have the house and everything in it in exchange for not paying alimony. This was decided early on through the lawyers.

When it came to custody and child support there was a battle and ended up taking about 2 years.
Where we live before you can go infront of the judge a mediator is mandated. They went to mediation without lawyers and could not agree to anything so it went to the judge.

At the court date, she was required to do anger management for 1 year, they have joint custody 50/50 and their son is required to see a local child therapist, who occasionally gives updates to the judge if something is very bad. Nothing bad has ever come up, so she just reports that the child is cared for.
On that court date they also settled child support amount. I want to add, by the time the final court date came, we couldnt afford the lawyer anymore (after about $18,000 over 1.5 years) so my husband went in and spoke for himself with no lawyer.

I would suggest speaking with a lawyer asap rven jusy for a consultation. Lawyers can be shared by both parties and keep everything out of court. When you get to mediation/court you both lose power. What i mean is, at that stage, the judge can say he will have custody every sunday, when thats something you both didnt want.
I also suggest you should be the one to file. It usually goes better for the person who files first. Not always, but thats a rumor i heard.

Another rumor i heard is dont leave the house. You will probably end up having to sell it and split the money. But, for the childrens sake, consistent living is important, and by moving them it isnt always ideal. Unless of course safety is an issue, in which case, leave asap.

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[Mid-Life-Larry]

Just my opinion, but, if you are keeping the kids, I would think you should keep the house too.
He should be required to support your underage kids and pay some of the mortgage/rent as a matter of child support.. no?
I would suggest talking to someone familiar with your laws.
Peace and good luck!!!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Seek a lawyers advice before leaving the house or signing/filing anything. So you are 100% sure of your rights and responsibilities. Look for someone who primarily works in your area and is very familiar with your county's family and probate court. In my experiences with fam&pro courts...they can vary quite a bit in their mentalities about "fairness" and "best interests". In America family Court is like the wild west. For real scary. Also it is probably in your best interest once you find a lawyer who you feel is knowledgeable and competent and has a good track record w/ ur court..put him/her on retainer, hopefully you can find someone who is also affordable! Cuz bottom line is that even when these matters start out civil...U NEVER can know that the other party will remain that way. Protect yourself, protect your children, protect your rights...hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

[Blizz88]

I am sorry that you are currently going through this, and thank you for sharing. If you and your current husband are civil, this may work; however, I would still consider seeking out a lawyer. Divorces can get nasty very quickly, and it is always good to protect yourself. It is also more complicated because the two of you have children. If you guys can do in a civil, productive manner then that would be ideal. If the two of you can agree on things, including the house and how to split time with your children, then you can leave the lawyers out of this.

[eskielover]

If your H is truly civil then I would think that he would want you & the kids to stay in the house until it sells. It's easier to move one person out than three.

My H didn't want a divorce so he wasn't cooperative at all about dividing up the assets & debt & the expensive lawyer which seemed about average in Calif was no help. Tole me to sort through because everything he did would add to the cost if there wasn't agreement to start. (found out years later after I finally walked out that H didn't want a divorce because it would " make him look like a failure"

If you are just getting prepared to leave your H....do you really know how he will react? Is this mutual agreement getting the divorce?

For me I just couldn't tolerate living around him & his behavior any longer....one of his other final comments was that he "thought I would just continue tolerating him the rest of our lives since I had tolerated him so long".

Sometimes we have no idea what's going on inside their mind until after we take the step to leave as it doesn't come out while together because communication is usually bad in the first place for a marriage to get to that point.

I hope this does go as smoothly as you are hoping but beware..you never know. In my case, the lawyer didnt help & I had to back out of the divorce at that time. A few years later I was financially able to just walk out leaving everything behind except my sanity.

Each situation is so different & not mant are text book divorces...wishing you the best with this

[Whisper888]

Originally Posted by eskielover

If your H is truly civil then I would think that he would want you & the kids to stay in the house until it sells. It's easier to move one person out than three.

My H didn't want a divorce so he wasn't cooperative at all about dividing up the assets & debt & the expensive lawyer which seemed about average in Calif was no help. Tole me to sort through because everything he did would add to the cost if there wasn't agreement to start. (found out years later after I finally walked out that H didn't want a divorce because it would " make him look like a failure"

If you are just getting prepared to leave your H....do you really know how he will react? Is this mutual agreement getting the divorce?

For me I just couldn't tolerate living around him & his behavior any longer....one of his other final comments was that he "thought I would just continue tolerating him the rest of our lives since I had tolerated him so long".

Sometimes we have no idea what's going on inside their mind until after we take the step to leave as it doesn't come out while together because communication is usually bad in the first place for a marriage to get to that point.

I hope this does go as smoothly as you are hoping but beware..you never know. In my case, the lawyer didnt help & I had to back out of the divorce at that time. A few years later I was financially able to just walk out leaving everything behind except my sanity.

Each situation is so different & not mant are text book divorces...wishing you the best with this

Hmmm...I guess one of the things that is eating away at me is that my husband doesn't know I'm planning to leave. I gave him the "if things don't Change then I'm leaving speech" 4 months ago. But truly...I didn't expect anything to change and it hasn't. So I've been quietly getting prepared. I don't even think he took me seriously. Even though I've never mentioned divorce before. I feel very guilty about it. I'm not a deceptive person. And I'm not doing it to hurt him. I just want to make sure that I'm prepared so I can make the best choices for my children. My husband is very selfish. And once his feeling are hurt...he won't consider the kids at all. He's just incapable of putting others before himself. I don't know if this is the right choice...or the wrong one :-(

[MissAmanda85]

@Whisper888 so sorry that you are currently experiencing a hard time in your marriage. My brother and sister in law recently completed their divorce, and it is never easy. As far as lawyer involvement goes, sometimes it is necessary. If mediation is unsuccessful, lawyers will play a big role in settling the terms of your divorce, through the court system. If you can settle the terms between the two of you, it's possible to have a relatively short and inexpensive separation. I found a company called Thistoo "Your Personal Divorce Assistant" and it seems helpful. @Everyone has anyone heard of this? Would be curious to know how about your experiences.

Best of luck.

[eskielover]

At first you said that you think the divorce can be amicable but then later on you say when he feel hurt he gets selfish & won't consider the kids & this divorce isn't something you have even discussed with him past the first threat of it......

I think you will definitely need a lawyer to see to your best interests personally. I know how just plain STUPID my husband got every time I pushed for a divorce. Honestly it took me 13 years to finally walk out of there. I didn't know if it was the right choice. We had been married 20 years...but the marriage was bad the whole time, only reason I tolerated it was because I escaped into my career though I was always cleaning up the messes he made in our lives...it was nothing but constant fighting. Was so miserable after I my career ended with the crash of aerospace in California....it made my depression that much worse to the point of so many suicide attempts I lost count as I felt it was mynonlybway to escape because he was being so stupid about getting a divorce.

You are probably just better off (from my own experience) just deciding to do it when you are ready rather than wondering as the misery only gets worse & if they really don't want the divorce they will make the process miserable & even more os a challenge....since you aren't in the discussion mode about it, there is probably a good reason why you aren't.

[Bookaholic2016]

Originally Posted by Whisper888

I'm getting prepared to leave my husband. And have been getting my affairs in order, before I leave. I do have a plan, but I'm hoping someone can give me their opinions...or a few tips that may help me.
My city has a free mediator that couples going through divorce can use. Basically to help u navigate and divide ur assets. I think this would save my husband and I thousands. My opinion right now is that we could probably part amicably and be fair to one another. Any thoughts on this? Should I talk to a lawyer anyways?
My plan is to move out of the house with my children. I can't afford my house alone. I will rent until the house sells. Will this hurt me in any way?
I've been looking into therapy groups for my kids. 8 and 10. Does anyone have any experience with this?
I'm truly open to any advice or tips anyone might have. Anything that might make things easier on my kids or myself. Or perhaps a book or website that is useful? Thanks in advance.

I am a licensed mental health counselor and I know that it is extremely important to get your kids into therapy asap! I just recently divorced after 33 years of marriage and my 2 adult children are having a rough time with it. Their father has basically walked out of their lives. Kids, no matter what age, will find therapy helpful when their parents divorce.