How can i ensure i make it work

Hi everyone

OK so I messed up bad like real bad without getting into too much detail I did something out of character and horrible. In turn this hurt my wife and family and now I was forced out of the home by protection order. My wife got hers removed so we could talk and she decided to stay with me though I dunno why. I love her so much and miss all of them I see her daily as she comes where I am staying to visit talk cuddle etc but not sure how too stop feeling like its gonna end up for nothing. I mean she and I do not like the word divorce and we both love each other but what I did was beyond bad and without being allowed home I need to work on me and us and future but need to make sure I go back to the me I used too be. This was alcohol related as well as marital and financial stress related. Any advice would be appreciated as to how to make it work when living apart and fixing how bad I hurt her and her trust towards me. FYI I am leaving out details of what I did too not be judged by people I feel horrible enough.

Thanks

Hmmmm, not sure how to tread on an answer. I make my comment with great difficulty.

There is no ignorring that whatever you did it was bad enough to warrant a protection order. At least you are acknowledging it. I will say my concern is for her as she seems to be ignorring the measures put in place for her (and your family's ?) safety. I personally don't find her behavior appropriate in this case. It suggests to me a co-dependency. Both of you need help. The best thing you can do if you care for this woman is to urge her to get professional help. I would seek out some for yourself.

You have mentioned alcohol fuelled this. Perhaps AA is in order? I would recommend she seek out Al-Anon for her own support requirements.

Finally, I am not suggesting you don't continue to see her but I don't believe private time is in order.

Again, I am fully aware I rock the boat here but my intent is to actually be helpful.

I hear you but she only removed the order on herself to talk to me as she told them she did not want on on herself to start with. She needed answers and to talk to help decide what to do next. I was honest and answered everything truthfully to the best I could and even though I hurt her and one other in house bad she gave me a chance. The goal is to get help I need to make sure it never happened again and better myself and us in the process. I quit drinking and I am on a waiting list for counseling not singles and marriage. I love her allot it seems like it took a huge mess up to realize how much I do love them all. I keep telling myself that maybe us breaking up is what is best choice but at same time neither one of us wants that. Ugh wish I could just go back in time and fix before all this.

Obviously you know you can't go back & undo what you have done. Maybe this was also a good thing because I'm guessing that you didn't even acknowledge you had a problem before this happened? Otherwise you wouldn't have allowed it to get so far out of control.

Seems to me that the only way you can assure that this doesn't happen again is to make sure you never drink or use alcohol ever again. Not even in a social setting. It's going to take a lot of determination on your part.

I have seen marriages that have failed because of alcohol be repaired but ONLY if the person with the drinking/alcohol problem removes themselves from the problem permanently & forever so that the marriage & they themselves have a chance of being who & what they have the capability of being without the influence of alcohol.

I'm thinking that how much you really want your marriage to work will determine just how determined & willing to give up the alcohol that caused this to happen you really are.

Obviously, there must me something under it all that came out with the alcohol & you need to get yourself into therapy to help work on that also along with your alcohol addiction/dependence also so you can learn skills to control your desire for the alcohol & give you the internal strength to abstain no matter what the temptations are or become.

It's also important for your wife & family to get into therapy to learn how to deal with your struggle against the alcohol so that they don't feed into the temptation you will already be struggling with.

The real issue is what is underlying the cause for your drinking in the first place & what was underlying (other than alcohol) your treatment of your wife & one other in the house. It's nice to have someone who wants to give you a second chance but you need to understanding EVERYTHING that went into blowing in in the first place beyond the known alcohol.....all the underlying reasoning & thoughts that caused you to get to that place in the first place if you ever want to truly heal & have a marriage that is really based on LOVE.....you can't love someone & treat them that way no matter what your claims are.....so you really need to do a lot of soul searching with a really good therapist.

Well alcohol was only how I dealt with the money stress and marriage and work issues because I tried to talk to the wife and got no where that way we both drank to solve our issues but they built up for me and Istarted drinking more and more since issues was getting worse. Booze was in no way to blame for what I did it was only a mitigating factor. I am waiting for counseling just a long waiting list. She has options for counseling but does not want too ATM except for our marriage counseling. She does have all the kids signed up though which is good. In meantime us staying together is an secret because she does not need the bs of everyone coming down on her etc. Such a hard scenario to deal with and fix myself at same time.

I'm being hopeful that she did not just stay with me in fear of being alone. I want to work extremely hard tonmake it all work and will do whatever is required too do so.

How did she manage to remove the protective order from herself?

All this work that needs to be done might seem overwhelming in the moment, there's no quick fix and it takes time, years not months, but reaching a place in recovery where you can look back and know that you've come far, is worth it.

I think this may be your "rock bottom", your "wake up call".
It seems you are taking it that seriously.

If i read it corectly, you both are struggling with alcohol?

If that is the case, you both need separate help to fix yourselves, then you should come back together and work on fixing the relationship.

Do you have pending legal issues against you in the future from this incident?

If you do, or if you don't, i think you should give some space, and really take sobriety seriously (not implying that you arent doing that now, but it's a long rough road that will have many ups and downs).

Are there kids involved?

How do your actions during the incident affect the 3rd person involved?

I really wish you the best! I'm sorry it got to such a bad place, but you can take this, and grow, and learn how to cope without harmful measures, like alcohol and anger.

And i apologize if i come off blunt, im trying to piece together what advice i can give with the information you feel comfortable sharing.

She talked to the crown counsel and they contacted my lawyer and courts removed hers via mutual request we left the 3 step kids on protection order only her and my biological toddler are not on it. Yes long road I know it will be worth keeping the woman I love.

Yes pending legal issues she wants to help me through it all together. The 3rd person is my step daughter and victim won't go much more into details she is 14. Iam done withbooze have been for 3 months now she is still drinking.

AA is a wonderful program if you are open to that. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce when we both decided to put down the alcohol. Almost five years later our marriage is stronger than it ever was. It does take work and commitment from both people though. I wish the best for you and your family!