Trying to figure out what to do

My wife of 12 years (been together for 16) left me. She's been gone now for a month and a half living with her sister. We were having lots of financial problems and she says that she finally had a nervous breakdown. Since she's been gone it seems like I've gone through every emotion possible. She seems to have closed me out and her and me rarely talk at all. I hear from her mainly if she needs something usually. She said that the breakdown has made it hard for her to concentrate on anything but she said that she still loves Mr and doesn't want me going anywhere. I've tried being patient with her but she seems to have only closed me out, everyone else in her family gets treated as she usually treats them. Recently I told her that we should really start working on our relationship before it's too late. She agreed and said that she would. I also told her that we need to put a time frame on the separation. Because I don't want it dragging on and on forever. She asked how long I said about two to five months. She said that she didn't like that because it's pressuring her. But then she went ahead and agreed. During this separation we are still not communicating and not trying to work towards anything. Does anyone have a suggestion?

CrimsonKing: I'm sorry you & your wife have come to this difficult place. I would have to say that from my perspective if the two of you aren't communicating, & not working on anything, then nothing is being accomplished except the passage of time which may or may not be of any benefit.

It seems to me some couples counseling would be the way to go here. I presume that's not something that hasn't already occurred to you. I suppose another suggestion might be to try to plan out some regular get-togethers, perhaps on a weekly basis, to do something together the two of you would enjoy... essentially the two of you would be dating again.

Perhaps there are other ways to proceed as well. However it just seems to me that, unless the two of you are interacting in some way or another, there's not much point to being apart except to be apart. And, in that case, it may come to a point where the two of you may simply have to acknowledge that the relationship is irretrievably broken. I wish you both well...

I would agree that couples counseling would be the best thing you could do. Maybe it would help you understand what's going on with her.

Sadly she never agrees to counseling. I asked if she wanted to spend some time together this last weekend. She said that it would be okay. Then early the next morning, the day that I was supposed to pick her up, she said that she couldn't make it because she was sick. I ended up in the hospital a few weeks ago, I was having some numbness and pains. I have a problem with my heart so I called her in case something happened. She called me the next day and said that I shouldn't be alone right now and that she was coming to stay and we would work out things. Instead of the day she waited to show up that night. She spent the night and the next day she rented a storage unit and asked me to help her get the rest of her things. When she finally decided to talk about our relationship, she just said that she wasn't interested in coming back and she was going to stay where she is. She then said that she would eventually find a job there near her sister and get her own place. I just asked where does that leave me, what about us? She said that she didn't know, but she doesn't want a divorce and she doesn't want me going anywhere. I have to admit that this tore my heart into shreds. She went back into the house and I stayed sitting there thinking. I just started crying and I couldn't stop. When she came back outside and saw me. She just said that she was sorry that I was sad. Then went back into the house and started bringing out the things she brought with her to stay over. She said to take her back to her sister's. If I ever see her we may only speak mostly about trivial things. I usually have no one on one time with her because she is surrounded by her sister and her sister's family. She basically ignores me while I'm there so I usually just end it by saying that I have to go. The last time that I was there I brought her a check that she received in the mail. She asked if I would take her to get it cashed. She bought herself a new dress, pointed out that she had just bought herself some "sexy" boots. Her words to describe her boots. And said that the new hair color was something that she just decided to do. I just had a talk with her the night before about us not cheating on each other while we're in this separation. But I'm starting to wonder if she's not thinking about trying to find someone else with what she's doing. Also a salesman at the store where she got her dress. The salesman was selling pillows and for stopping and talking to him. He started telling us about a new company offering a sober ride to people. He said that it's good if you're at a party or bar and you need a ride. Usually she would say well I don't drink anyway. But instead she kept asking questions about it and kept asking if they offer the ride for that town. All of this just adds to my doubts of her trying to help fix our relationship. But also makes me wonder if she's planning on being unfaithful. Maybe I should just ask for a divorce and try to heal. I stay very lonely and restless too but I don't consider being unfaithful to her.

You brought up financial problems. She may be a woman who thinks that a man is supposed to provide for her and has become dissappointed that finances have become a problem. It doesn't sound like she is working at the moment, herself. When financial trouble throws a marriage on the rocks, I think it's usually because one party in the marriage blames the other for the money problems, or they blame each other. You don't sound critical of her. How is she at shouldering responsibility for finances?

Sounds like she wants to get back out there, but she wants to keep you around incase other options don't work out.
I would start looking after yourself a little more, maybe go and see someone and talk things through. If your able. Then you will be in a better position when/if she does come back to know what you want.
I really wish you all the best, and hope you find support and kindness to help you through this difficult time.

She sounds like she hasn't figured out exactly how to say divorce just yet, like she needs to work on how to say it. because everything else she is doing says she wants one. moving to her sister's house, talking about getting her own place there, obviously flirting with the salesperson in front of you and getting information in case she wants to go out and party.
It's not fair for her to keep telling you to stay where you are while she gets on with whatever agenda she has.

When my ex and I first separated, we were still in the same house and I agreed to counseling for 2 months to see where we were at that point. Unfortunately it didn't work out (we'd tried 5 times in 8 years)

If she's been gone over a month with no efforts whatsoever to try and work on things with you and barely contacting you then you need to get better clarification from her of her intentions. You might also contact a lawyer to at least get some idea of what you need to do to first protect yourself and to find out what has to be done if you do end up going the divorce route.

If not for her behavior, I would have given her the benefit of the doubt when it comes to a nervous breakdown. I had my first one about 10 years ago and it involved an ER visit...when we attempted couple counseling while I was in this state, the counselor told us I needed to get myself together before he and I could come together. So, I don't know just how bad her 'breakdown' was. She seems to have gotten over it pretty well seems like.

I am really sorry you are going through all of this and I do wish you the best