[Cami Incendia]

I need help on what to do with my marriage. this is going to be a long on as i'm going to be completely honest and give the entire back story. I love my husband and have been with him for 16 years married for only 1. When we were younger about 17 and 20 years old he went to prison for 3 years. I promised that I'd wait for him and I did. I wrote him everyday for the first two years and about every week or so during the third year ( My life had become busy and I was working crazy hours as a waitress to save enough money for us to have a place by the time he got out that following year) During this time I made friends at my new job which was a relief because I had been totally alone during the first two years. I had cut everyone off and was severely depressed from missing him even though I saw him every two weeks. During the last year my friends consisted of a female and a male. Now the male I was comfortable with because I had no reason to think he wanted me in that way. So one day he offered to pick me up for work and I said sure that would be nice (since it saved me $6 on a cab) The day he came to pick me up I told him wait here and went to get ready. He came up stairs and started talking to me about normal non sense then out of no where he kissed me. I never ever led him on. When he realized It was not a mutual feeling he apologized and I accepted ( Now I feel I should have throw him out) so we left and went to work. I started to distance myself from him at that point. I felt I needed to tell my husband because we didn't keep secrets from one another. So I did and he was upset obviously but he understood that it was totally one sided and I apologized profusely. Of course he demanded I stay away from him and I did until the man in question started dating my best friend at the time and he would come around with her sometimes. Now I didn't see the problem with this as I was not interested in him and he was dating my friend. So we all hung out together. My husband finally came home and I had a place ready for us and I thought we were fine. I introduced him to my friends and he seemed fine with it for months. Now I knew I couldn't afford to keep the apartment up alone and told him that he needed to get a job. He wasn't really trying much and after a few months and an eviction notice I lost it. I admit that I began to belittle him and shame him as I was frustrated and it was the only way I thought at the time that he would make the extra effort. Through it all we still managed to stay together even after we got evicted and spent two years living with different family members until we got ourselves together (Mind you during this time I got pregnant and had a baby who was 1 by the time we got our own place) After about a year he started messaging a woman we both knew but weren't friends with. I have bad blood with her from us being teens. He claims he never slept with her but I didn't believe it then and I don't now. However I never ever brought it up after we had the initial issue of me discovering the messages. I tend to let go of things once i'm passed it. At this point I don't think he was cheating he was always home when not at work (he is a homebody) Now I have asked him through out the course of our relationship to no contact this woman and he will agree but 6 months or some years will go by and he is back to texting her always insisting their friends. So suddenly he starts Accusing me of having sex and emotional affair with the guy I was talking about that I worked with. Now this was 7 years ago at this point but he keeps insisting that it happened. he has made up his mind about that and won't let it go. he refuses to believe me saying that my actions lead him to believe that I did it but I know that I didn't. Now this is an on and off argument with him it has been 3 years now and he will find any reason to fight about it and bring it up. two months before our wedding he went insane because I ran in to an old friend while we were out together. I knew this guy way before him that I hadn't seen in 10 years. We were only ever friends never anything more even before my husband. Once I got with my husband I stopped even seeing him then he moved away. So I see this friend and he has a mess of hair on his face and I jokingly grab his beard and make a pirate joke. My husband storms off practically leaving me and accuses me of being a thot ( *****). we got in to a huge fight and he brought up the other thing again as well saying I was a no good ***** and he was leaving me.( Also by this point we have had baby number two and this all took place on valentines day) So after two weeks of fighting and him constantly being hurtful and calling me horrible names we managed to work it out. we bought our first home and got married ( We weren't married before because he wanted to be financially stable first) So we move in and everything is fine and happy. Now almost a year later he is accusing me again of cheating on him and belittling him when we were younger and being disrespectful and not loyal and a deceitful *****. He says that it is over and he wants a divorce. he said he never should have married me and that he hates me. He says that he doesn't have a life because he never goes any where (he is a homebody nobody forces him to stay home. he works over night and sleeps all day) and that it is all my fault. I know he is stressed because of the bills and I know stress is his trigger to treat me this way and act out. So I went out and got a job to help out ( I'm a stay at home mother. His choice not mine. whenever I get a job he claims he can't watch the kids and work and that it is too much for him ect. he doesn't trust daycare's or baby sitters) I have tried talking to him and hearing him out I have even apologized for what he thinks I did even though I know I didn't do anything. He is adamant about not being with me and I have checked all his phones and texts and even the phone bill so I know he is not Cheating on me ( I know it was wrong but this came out of no where and I had to know so went through his stuff) I'm a good wife to him. I take care of him and I'm always will to be intimate. I'm not perfect. Sometimes when he attacks me I attack back because it can be so brutal. I say things just as mean to him when I am feeling attacked. I know that he loves me. I'm not sure if he is in love with me anymore however. I just don't know what to do and need some advice on how assuming I can fix this. Our children have no idea its bad between us and I love him so much so I feel like I'm being forced out of a life I built. I also don't want to have ruin my girls happy life over something I didn't do but he can't seem to let go of. Any advice or help would be appreciated. He won't go to counseling and I know there is no way I can get him to attend a workshop of any sort. Even if we managed to get back to a good place he wouldn't go. he thinks it is all bs and he is one of those people where he is right and the world is wrong. I just feel so lost and alone. When he is home he pretends i'm not there unless he needs me to get the kids to stop doing something. when he does speak to me it is only to yell at me and belittle me and continue to dissect something that happened years ago that I can barely remember now. He swears that he just can't get over it and i'm not who he thought I was that he doesn't even know me because the woman he knew wouldn't have allowed that to happen. I'm so lost he is throwing away our beautiful family because of something that he thinks I did and can't seem to get past. Even after all this time.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Cami: I'm sorry you are faced with this most difficult situation. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support.

If your husband won't go to counseling or therapy, & is determined to leave the marriage, I don't know what you can do other than to perhaps seek some counseling / therapy for yourself (& perhaps some legal services at some point)in order to help you prepare for what appears to be the inevitable.

Ultimately you only have control of yourself. So my thinking is that the best way, perhaps the only way, to proceed is to simply let your husband do what he chooses to do & prepare yourself for what's to come. Perhaps other members, here on PC, will have other perspectives to offer. I wish you well...