[eskielover]

Divorced or not divorced, it doesn't make any difference with the way he is effecting my credit rating because my name is still on the home loan & the lawyer I started the divorce with years ago said there is no way to get my name off the loan unless he sells the house or refinances it....he has been late or not paying the mortgage payments AGAIN.

I went through this a few years ago & he got a loan modification after not making house payments for 2 years.....then he couldn't make the payments on time even then.

Things were going rather smoothly with my credit until last fall when I tried to get a home equity loan on my totally paid for farm....that was when I realized he was screwing up again...it was confirmed again when I was going to buy a new lawn tractor at Lowes but needed a little more credit & it was declined due to current late mortgage payments. This final hit came with my farm & truck insurance that went up $350+ a year when I had absolutely no claims on my truck which is where the huge jump in cost came in....the house that I had a new roof put on the beginning of this year had a much smaller jump in cost. Talking with my insurance agent we determined that it had to do with credit rating which can effect the cost as much as 35%..... Obviously it is that idiot who is messing up because my credit has been spotless now that I am responsible for my own spending.

I left him 10 years ago....so know he thinks he doesn't owe me any words of warning but I still have my furniture & even cloths there (2100 miles away). Finances have been tight for me because I am responsible to not overspend but have had major repairs needed on my farm so wasn't able to come up with the money to finish filing for the divorce let alone have money to make the trip out there & rent a $3000 moving truck to bring my things here.

I will be taking a flight out there to get my horse ready so finally ship here after 10 years but not enough money left over from the one access I had to make up for the home equity which would have given me enough money to wrap up everything.."..now there will still be lose ends until I can save up the finances to pay cash for it all. I will definitely look into a storage unit for my furniture & things along with my daughters things while I am there so I can make sure they are safe. The last time I was out there was 9 1/2 years ago. I had gone through a traumatic robbery out of my truck on my drive back there & wasn't thinking clearly about everything & was giving him a chance to make it in the new environment of my farm.....huge mistake but wanted to give the marriage one last chance after 33 years.....so the move here wasn't planned the way it should have been if I had actually known then what I know now. So the lose ends exist that need to be wrapped up.....at least going there I can see with my own eyes what is actually going on....see all the things he is hiding from everyone for fear of looking like a failure.

Lack of communication was one of the serious issues I had with him besides his inability to emotionally connect & his continual financial irresponsibility that became obvious when I got sick & needed him to take over the finances.....which became impossible for me being in & out of hospitals the last 13 years I lived in the same house as him.

His disability income is the max benefit which puts his income higher enough than mine that IF responsible he could manage fine on his own as I have managed totally fine on my own disability income.....it's a struggle but it is totally possible. He has always been irresponsible & it's not due to low IQ....it's due to total lack of any common sense.

Obviously he can't afford to file for divorce since he can't even responsibly handle the expenses he has....but I often wonder about one of the last comments he made to me about never wanting divorce all those years I was wanting it....he told me that divorce would make him look like a failure.....so no wonder he never says anything about his total failure when it comes to being financially responsible. Geeze this guy is 65 years old, he is no longer the kid he always wanted to stay being....his motto throughout the years we were married was "I'm a toys are us kid I will never grow up".....I think he has done a good job of fulfilling that motto.

Honestly I wish he would just dissappear off the face of this earth & let me just finally deal with the mess he has made & get it over with.....but know our daughter would be hurt if that happened. It's obvious that old leopard will never change his spots but I know my only freedom will come when he is gone....or at least the house is gone however that happens (foreclosure or sale).

[Raindropvampire]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with his inability to be responsible. It truly sucks that even after getting yourself free and being responsible he's still dragging you down. I wish I had a solution for you

Divorced or not--there are some men whom we can never free ourselves from. The longer we have been with them, the tighter the gordian knot has become. No advice--I marvel at how far you have come despite how he has (mostly unintentionally?) sabotaged your life. I was hugely scared deep inside when I stood before the Justice of the Peace on the day of my marriage. As usual, my gut understoood what I totally did not comprehend....

[eskielover]

Oh yes, IF I had been wise & paid attention & UNDERSTOOD the red flags before I got married. I would have cancelled the wedding like I wanted to. How I rationalized that he couldn't possibly be like that with an education & how wrong it was to listen to a mom who I didn't respect the opinions of in the first place to convincing me to go through with it & that he would grow up & be responsible when he had to. WOW, & to think that was EXACTLY WHY I finally left him. Dang I was smarter at 21 than I even gave myself credit for.....I did have self-confidence issues growing up in the dysfunctional family I had. I didn't see their behavior as dysfunctional either but had a sense they were different than most other families.

Hind sight 20/20 but I will never make a stupid mistake like that ever again. I love my single life like many women around me do.

Lol....there is really NO solution to this. That was my problem & really the underlying foundation of the depression & ALL my many suicide attempts before I finally left after my mom died, after I sold the home in the crappy neighborhood I grew up in & TOOK MY MONEY & walked away from everything I had built up (material goods) in my marriage. Over the last 13 years, his irresponsible handling of finances & & my many hospital stays that we're a better choice than being in the same home as him....all the retirement money we put together was gone & a house whose value was upside down & I had no idea at that time how much he was resisting divorce because he was afraid how it would make him look.

I often wonder if he thought after I left that I would come around to his stupid thinking that two can live cheaper than one. That is unless the other one was him, but he never saw that. At the time I got married I didn't know how much his mom pushed him to finish college & get his degree. I pushed myself to get my degree & computer career so the concept of having to be pushed was foreign to me. BUT I knew he had an attitude issue in college that I NEVER respected....that if he thought he knew more than the professor or it was an easy class he wouldn't do the work.....thus the horrible GPA he graduated with then complained because the bank he worked for during college would hire him into their computer department, something he counted on & did none of the on-campus interviews so he could have a choice of positions when he graduated like I did. That attitude problem was a serious part of why I didn't want to marry him because I didn't respect him for it. I had no idea how important respect was in the growth of love.....but his continued attitude issues throughout the marriage kept love from ever getting a foothold in the marriage & I just hid myself in my career because our daughter was born right before I graduated with my degree. The marriage was nothing more than a battle ground & I can understand now why our daughter never wanted to come home from my parents where she stayed during the week most of the time. Creating a totally dysfunctional environment for her.

Love my freedom of being 2100 miles away but there is no way to monitor what is really happening. Our daughter doesn't even know if he is still living in the house when I had a friend from the ranch where my horse is at, tell me she sees him all the time at the house across the street from her way across town from where the house we own is located.

Being away from him & observing such abnormal behaviors really highlights the behaviors I had grown to think we're just normal but quirky....there was much more seriously wrong with his behaviors than just quirky ALL THOSE YEARS. But having grown up with a dad who was very similar it didn't stick out like it does now that I am surrounded by all people with normal behaviors....getting away has really shown me just how sick of a relationship I was involved in.

[healingme4me]

Do you think you might put it on the market? The old place?

Fingers crossed for you in tieing up lose ends!

[Nammu]

Sounds like it would be better for him to to sell the house and downsize, maybe then the bills would be more manageable.

[eskielover]

It would be the wise thing to do but wise has never been his MO.

Since both names are on the loan I don't think I can put anything up for sale especially since they required me to file a quit claim on the property when they modified the loan.....like they hold me responsible for his not paying the loan & take away my ability to put any pressure.....however I may talk to a lawyer out there & see what my rights actually are at this point.

Have to modify my plans a little. Fencing estimate came in way too high as is so plan B: have the permanent fending put on the side & front to make sure there is no possibility of her breaking through the fence on the far side of my farm or on the street then use electric tape next to the woods & my house. That way the runin shelter can be afforded & also the trip to Ca to get lessons on my horse, get her cog gins & health cert & make sure she is loaded safely & get a picture of what is REALLY going on out there & afford the shipping cost to get Izzy here.

One thing I learned early in life.....if plan A doesnt work which is best case, then plan B will take form out of plan A when the initial disappointment goes away within a few days.

This was the only real estimate I got so I did call another guy who was the one who came out to let me know what I needed as materials & talked to him about some of the amounts that seemed redicuously high. I will be purchasing those materials myself to make sure They are not overcharging me in that area. I think they make profit off materials & since I had already most of the materials it's like they dumped a higher cost on the few materials I was needing still.