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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2009
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#1
Hello. Any advice on separation from an abusive narcissist?
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Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 533
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#2
Been there, done that. My best advice from personal experience is to try and cut off all personal contact, if possible. Talk through your lawyer. And start building a new life just for yourself.
Hang tough and don’t let anyone bring you down. __________________ Today is the first day of the rest of my life. *Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form meant to portray a professional assesment of any kind. CB |
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profound_betrayal
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2009
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#3
Thank you. We still live in the same house.
I m worried he will invent lies about me during the divorce |
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Perpetually Pondering
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Location: New England
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#4
Judges have seen and heard a lot. At the same time, many cases do not go to trial and much of the work is done with the mediators, who have also seen and heard a lot. When it comes down to it, it doesn't seem like they can be bothered by all the pettiness you fear aka his slander and lies.
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Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: USA
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#5
I’d like to ad that I also had to live in the same house for a few years before I could move out. It was hell. Oh , there will be lies and slander for sure but that could be the least of your problems. Try not to be in the house as much as possible when he’s there. I had nowhere to go. No work , no friends , no family. It’s hard not to talk to somebody you slept with in the same bed with for years. I tried and it always turned into an argument. The emotional toll it took on me was beyond description. I pray you can find a way out.
__________________ Today is the first day of the rest of my life. *Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form meant to portray a professional assesment of any kind. CB |
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Rose76
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#6
In my experience the narcissist in my life walked away with all the family and friends. They are master manipulators and extremely charismatic. They tend to place themselves at the center of attention and surround themselves with those who if not one of their hand picked hangers on would be treated as unworthy.
Be prepared for him to be painted as the victim. Be prepared to be cut off as people pick his side (they can't help it). But is this not worth being free of the cycle of abuse? |
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profound_betrayal
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Grand Member
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Ny
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#7
I divorced one as well. He invented lies and he continues to lie to everyone. He’s very convincing to others. Just gather your evidence and stay aware. Don’t communicate anything with him. More info for him is more ammunition. Keep your distance and sleep with one eye open. It’s a horrible experience.
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Grand Member
Member Since Apr 2016
Location: Ny
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#8
Live your life as if he doesn’t exist. Turn the page.
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New Member
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: Texas
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#9
Most of my husband's family is on my side. My husband called his sister last week, and she told him what she thought of him and abandoning his family, and for him never to call her again. He drained me of my childhood home, my retirement and blames me for the money problems we has, even though I have proof of his gambling and gaming as to where the money went.
Mine left the home, it has been a struggle to pay the bills. Money is tight, but I am doing it day by day, without any support from him what so ever. There are days I just want to sit and cry because I am.so angry at the way he is treating our children. How does someone be with a child from birth to 11 years and just walk away and not talk to them for 4 1/2 months. I can only go a couple days and I have to hear their voice. With him it is out of sight out of mind. Do not communicate with him or let your lawyer do the talking for you. Mine had a restraining order against me, and was still texting me and harassing me. His attorney had to tell him to stop contacting me. Change the locks, ignore him. Stay Strong! |
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Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 190
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#10
Separating from an abusive narcissist is difficult: they don’t take rejection well. And if the ANarc has some sort of legal right to live in your home, there has to be a compelling legal reason to actually change the locks...as hugely tempting as that is... otherwise they have a right to call the cops. On the other hand, if you find yourself locked out or in...you have the right to call the cops, too...
Any lies and threats you may encounter are just there to control you—they aren’t the truth. Find people who keep you grounded in reality and who are good for you—they’re the first line of defense against a manipulator. |
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Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: USA
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#11
I went through the hell of divorcing a narcissist. One day after 30 years of marriage she won’t let me touch her and wouldn’t tell me why. Didn’t want anything to do with me , and wouldn’t tell me why. It was my fault though because all the red flags were there but I didn’t have the cognitive ability to pick up on the clues. I was incompacitated physically and mentally. That , she took advantage of to the fullest. She didn’t love or want me anymore but didn’t want to divorce me because of financial reasons. So I filed because of being psychologically tortured by her passive aggressiveness. Just couldn’t live like that anymore. Neither of us could afford to leave so we went into separate bedrooms. No kids around anymore, thank God. She still had to go to work but I was unable to , being physically and mentally disabled. The resentment was tremendous ! She turned my children against me. She turned anyone who would listen against me. I suffered tremendously as I had no one to turn to. I was totally abandoned.
So finally I was able to move out. I basically gave her everything as I just wanted out. I could have made her life miserable but I had a problem, I had a heart, which is a weakness when it comes to a divorce. She wanted to bury me. I just wanted out. I went through a lot of pain but I eventually found a way to go on. I learned how to live in the moment and not the past. I was getting better. My advice is to cut off all communication totally if possible. A divorce should be like a death. It’s over. At least that’s how I see it. What you need is friends, or family or anything that will give you some positive vibes and a reason to move on. A narcissist will try and destroy you. I’m sorry for rambling on but I want to share my horrible experience with divorcing a narcissist. And in short , the only way is to mentally think that they don’t exist anymore so you can move on to a life that you deserve, even if it’s by yourself. Wishing you the best. __________________ Today is the first day of the rest of my life. *Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form meant to portray a professional assesment of any kind. CB |
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Have Hope, profound_betrayal
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Have Hope, profound_betrayal
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Member
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: to
Posts: 139
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#12
Quote:
He will lie - get ready! PREPARE so you dont get knocked over. Expect NO integrity. NONE!! These ppl are VERY VERY SICK. I just replied to a post re narc before you. The advice you got was good. look up grey stone, no contact Have you got kids with this narc? Have as little to do with him as possible, but plan when. He might retaliate (all a control issue - they are kids throwing temper tantrums when they dont get their way). Remember they have the right to do what they want! I shared a quote with the person b4 you, & will share another one with you (same site but cannot post) "they lie better than you tell the truth" __________________ profound_betrayal fighting the unknown ... (mind ) |
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#13
Make sure you are NEVER alone with him.
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Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 190
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#14
Also, remember this: that when you communicate with another human being, it is to connect, and understand, and evolve. An abusive narcissist on the other hand talks with you (or gives you the silent treatment) to control you, to manipulate you, to instill fear, to gather evidence that can be used in a court of law or in a future argument. Therefore, it is impossible to explain anything or get explanations from the narcissist. Really. My wife kept saying “I don’t understand why...” but then when I made the mistake of trying to explain she just used whatever I said to denigrate me.
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unaluna
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Fuzzybear
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Wisest Elder Ever
Member Since Nov 2002
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#15
Good question I am not married to a Narcissist but both of my parental units were malignant N's.
(sorry about the delayed response) __________________ |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#16
I am currently divorcing a narcissist and it's been a complete nightmare. I cannot win with him no matter what. And he has to win no matter what. We have an ongoing argument that has gone on for 2 months. I blame him for the breakdown of our marriage, and so now he blames me. He cannot accept responsibility for all his broken promises, lies and bad behaviors that ruined our marriage. I am infuriated with him. In one week's time, he should have all his belongings moved out and then after that, I can go no contact. All we have left is the divorce process once he's all moved out. I am very much looking forward to gaining far greater peace and distance from him. It's hell and it's very toxic for me.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
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#17
The other thing is: my narc husband is using every manipulation tactic he possibly can to win me back over and to get me to come back to him. But I know it's NOT true love: it's abuse, and it's all about power and control over me. He wants to be the one to walk away. He cannot stand that he's lost all control.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
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