[FindingPeaceToday]

Hello all. i really could use some help here. i was married for 26 years to a very high functioning alcoholic. i actually had no idea. after it was all revealed, he joined AA, stopped drinking and within 5 months left me. no notice. no discussion. just left. that was it. he moved into an apartment and never once mentioned divorce. never spoke of it. never would say anything but he wasn't coming back. 2 years later he filed for divorce and served me my papers. our mediation is this month.

we own a business together and he is all but cutting me out of all info on the business. i've been trying for two years to keep myself involved and bug him for info, but i am too beat up and exhausted. its a service based business and he is "the face" and i do all the office work. so we need to stay in contact, but he is not doing that and the business is suffering a bit.

i have so much guilt and shame over how i acted in the marriage. i go to alanon weekly for 2 years, therapy, yoga, meditation, etc. i know we both played a part in the failure of the marriage, but i carry so much shame. when he left, he started dressing as i wished he had when we were married. started eating great, exercising and lost tons of weight and looks great. all things i asked while we were married. he now has a girlfriend and sees my adult kids and is on top of the world. meanwhile i can't seem to get myself together.

and working with him triggers me constantly. even though he doesn't communicate, i do get random work related texts and each time it makes me sad. i know i have given so much of my power over to him and cannot figure out how to turn this around.

i still live in the house we raised our kids in. i feel like he moved on and i'm stuck in the past. i can't get a new job, until i know what is happening with the business in the divorce. i feel like a prisoner. i know i'll have to move and no idea where i'll go. i know i want to leave the state where i live now. i just cannot believe i am still mourning the illusion of this marriage that was based on lies and deception. he even admits he lied to me for years. why in my mind have i made him into the perfect person, when for the last 15 years of the marriage i was so unhappy? i was so lonely in the marriage. we didnt even sleep in the same room for years. for years i used to dream of being alone. be careful what you wish for. the loneliness i feel is suffocating me. i cannot figure out how to move on from this.

[FindingPeaceToday]

also this morning i spoke to him. for some reason i need to understand and i think that's what i can't get past. i need to understand how he can just get sober and leave after so many years. i said to him that with recovery we can now have what we wanted. our kids are grown, we have money, we have flexibility to travel and enjoy life. finally. he said he got sober and had clarity that he doesn't love me and doesn't want to be with me. i once saw a quote that said "when love is no longer being served, it's time to leave the table." why the heck can i not leave the table?

[FindingPeaceToday]

i think the trouble i am having is wrapping my head around acceptance that when he got sober he just left. he never gave recovery a chance. never gave me a chance. he said he just doesn't feel it and can't give me what i'm looking for. says he just doesn't love me and doesnt want to stay where he doesn't love someone. i saw a quote that said "when love is no longer being served it's time to leave the table." why can't i leave the table?

i think working with him does not allow me to fully heal. however, he is happy as a clam and that trips me up. to me, each day i work with him is like ripping off the bandaid, over and over again. why is it so easy for him to just completely detach and have absolutely no feelings? why the hell am i so stuck.

My dear.... I am so sorry for your pain, first of all. That would be quite the shock to have someone leave you after so long and so abruptly like that. But you said you were not happy and wished to be alone. Do you feel you still love him? Or do you think it's more so the sudden change in his stance and his sudden decision to leave that has left you feeling stuck in the past? That's like having the rug suddenly pulled out from beneath you.

I think moving and getting a different job once the divorce goes through is a great decision!!! That will help to leave the past behind you and to move onwards with your life. Keep posting here as needed and talking about this. (((((many hugs))))))))

[FindingPeaceToday]

Thanks Golden Eye. I think it was the shock of him leaving. And i think for so much of the marriage i was mother, then wife. I got married straight out of college. So all i knew was daughter, mother, wife. Then nothing. I think this is a time of self-discovery and finding out who i am and that is quite scary to me. But high time i learned to be with me and love me and see who i am. Thank you for the reply. i need all the hugs i can get

[FindingPeaceToday]

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice."

LOVE THAT

[PinkyDoo]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It was a pretty awful thing to do, just leave so abruptly without saying anything or even trying to work with you. I can see why it is hard to move on. There's the shock, lack of control, the fact that you still have to see each other, and the fact that he started seeing someone else. It could make anyone miserable. I'm with Golden_Eye. Once the divorce is final, you can get out of the business and move on. Is he going to buy you out?

[Hollowed_Harlequin]

Nothing like being betrayed and abandoned in one swoop. Very cold.

Originally Posted by FindingPeaceToday

Thanks Golden Eye. I think it was the shock of him leaving. And i think for so much of the marriage i was mother, then wife. I got married straight out of college. So all i knew was daughter, mother, wife. Then nothing. I think this is a time of self-discovery and finding out who i am and that is quite scary to me. But high time i learned to be with me and love me and see who i am. Thank you for the reply. i need all the hugs i can get

YES!!! It is a wonderful thing to rediscover or discover who you truly are for the first time... yes, it can be scary, but also exhilarating and exciting! To fall in love with yourself is a beautiful thing, and lord knows, we could all use some self-love. You got married very young. I know this must be so hard to accept and embrace new changes, but a new life with a brand new you is something to look forward to..... and you never know when love may come around again. You just never ever know.... ((((((((((((many hugs))))))))))))))

[girlrocker40]

I am quite new here on this forum having only joined today but had to respond to your message as it sounds a bit similar to my story. Also newly divorced after 20 years of marriage. My ex husband also just literally decided he didnt want to be with me as I couldnt love him the way he wanted to be loved.. There were no warning signals, no discussions, he wouldnt go for counselling. Nothing. He got remarried less than a year after the divorce was finalised So i totally understand what you mean about not being able to move on. I also feel trapped, angry, bitter, abandoned etc etc but i believe that we have to look at this as another opportunity to start afresh and to really find out who we are and what makes us happy. I realise now that i had totally lost myself when we were married. He was very different from me in outlook and slowly my real self (whatever that is) became submerged and totally lost to the point that i dont even know what i like doing anymore or what i enjoy. I dont think we can escape the pain of the betrayal, when you've been with someone that long, you trust them or at least you think you know them. Now having to try to navigate dealing with him for the sake of our 3 children and he is already trying to get my kids to meet his new stepkids and wife which is really making me more angry and sad because i think its fine for him he's moved on and i'm stuck. I have been so depressed and anxious, dependent on him financially as i couldnt even function to go to work and deal with all the other issues that arose as a result. The pain is indescribable but i guess pain is temporary so we must try to get excited about the possibilities that could be ahead. We just need to get through the fog first. Stay strong.