How long?

it's a slow process and something that you cannot rush. Thing is to work on focusing on yourself, good things in your life even when it doesn't seem like there's much, work on it. I have been through being left by a spouse and for me it was a full year to feel ok-ish and longer to find my footing and independence. although it was very painful I can say without question that it does pass eventually and there can be good things ahead but you gotta believe in that and claim it for yourself.

Thank you for your message. I think that, I thought that, if there is a problem, if there are many problems, adult people can speak together and trying to solve them. In my case the solution has been, I repeat, to throw me in the trash, saying less ore more “if you now create problems to me and to my new relationship [with a liar and betrayer, our friend) I will ruin you and your life”.
I cannot believe it even now, I cannot believe as a person could be bad. How my husband, that I knew since we were very young, has grown up with such a rage. It has been a horror movie. But...
I’m learning there are so many people in that way, I’m really sorry. I wonder how they could be happy in their life.
Now I’m not very happy, because I would like to spend my time with someone, to do everything beautiful with someone, and I do not. But in the future...
I’m not changed. I don’t feel anger towards people and men, I’m generous as I was before, I’ve patience, I love others.
Only I’ve to remove the envy. It’s sad, but they have a lot of possibilities and they are a couple...instead I’m alone and with some issues. It’s not fair, but I feel envy for them, even if I’m thinking that I’ll never desire such people in my life, on my way. I feel also anger towards them.
Please give me some suggestions to heal from envy and anger.

Hi Friends! I'm still moving on, but It is not easy...
They are not yet two yers that my husband left me...now he has married again and his "lady" is pregnant of 6 months......
I can't believe that is love. He has fallen in love, surely. She's carrying on her project to have a baby (she's old, she had not a lot of time to wait again).
It's not my matter, but in a sort of competition between us, they're alteady at the goal, while I have to left the start point yet.
And so much things are not right yet in my life!!
I feel like they have stolen my life. For sure the last two years.
How they can sleep?

It's you who has to make your life. "They" could not have stolen anything that was surely and truly yours. What they demolished was the illusion you were living in. You found out you didn't have what you thought was yours. It didn't get stolen from you. You never really had it.

Her having a baby doesn't mean she's winning some race. Stop these comparisons.

If I have to be sincere, I have to tell that I'm thinking very often how to stop this pain, and the solution is not properly pain-free.

If I will be lucky, maybe an asteroid will hurt my car, with me inside, when I' m going at work.

I cannot struggle anymore.

So 1 year passed, and I have not found yet anything to make me happy, or a destination. My GPS is ko, I don’t know where to go. One year passed from listening that my marriage was ended, in a butterfly flap we closed everything, just to end 2 moths ago with divorce. I live it as a personal failure, the biggest failure in my imperfect life, while I feel envy for him, who has everything. I was thrown in the trash. Ok, in happens. Hope to forget.

One thing I learned for sure is that an healthy self esteem and self worth is one way to address the grief and pain. So, it's important to find out all the ways and means to achieve them

First thing I would say to your last response is that it is not necessarily a personal failure on your part. There are a lot of factors involved in making a relationship work and you are not entirely responsible for everything going right or wrong. if a relationship fails there are two people to blame and even if you think you failed in some things you must stop carrying the entire weight of the breakup on your shoulders.

((((Azzurella))))

I cannot emphasize enough to focus on you, your needs, your values and your newfound freedom. I know looking at this as if it's freedom is a stretch in the beginning but let's face it, you can either dwell on the idea that you believe something is missing or you can acknowledge even if that's the case you choose to focus on what you've gained in all of this. You have a chance here to find yourself without interruption and interference of a spouse or significant other and at the moment you do not have to share time or your energy. Even though that is not what you want ultimately it's good to see the silver lining in everything we have.

Also stop focusing on others and what they have, what they are, where they have been in comparison to yourself and how you lack whatever it is that you focus on. This only serves to make you feel less than they are and it feeds the jealousy, feelings of inadequacy and ultimately, depression. It will take work to shift your thinking of course and it's not a flat path, but at first an uphill battle but it is one that is not insurmountable. Besides once you are successful in finding yourself, trust me, all that other stuff really pales in comparison.

Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. I’ll try. Every day.

Yw. I don't know if wise but keep on going. if you have to keep coming here to ask or share stuff then do so. this place was a great help back when I went through what I did!

Yesterday I talked with a great friend. She told me to think to the mud I’ve been in the last 12 months, and if I really could accept in my life a person for whom it would be better if I died, if I would love a person who hurt me in a such way (so much and so badly).
I wonder if I will pass my life thinking about it, and wondering how was it possible he hated me so much. There are no answers, I’m sorry.
And it is easy to say that only with my will I’ll go pass this struggle. It’s only my will, easy to say. I have the will, but not the force.
I feel as I was looking my home burning. Yes, it happened, but I can’t believe, I can’t realize. I’m feeling like I’m looking to my life as through an open window, from the outside.
I think I’d like only to sleep and forget.
I’ve always been so strong. Now I’m weak and I’m going to be ill.

15 years is a long time. Your recovery from this loss is going to take time, and It will take something else, besides time. Without that something else, you will never recover. I have a family member in your situation who has become disabled by divorce and will never fully recover. You don't want that to happen to you. I'm hopeful for you because you are working. The person I know gave up on working and on other responsibilities.

Here's the other thing, besides time passing, that you need. You have to acknowledge what you did that brought you to this heartbreaking place. If you say, "I was victimized by a man who fooled me.", then you give up all your power. Sometimes, bad things happen to us that are totally out of our control. That is a self-defeating way to look at this.

Here's what makes you a true victim: Some drunk runs a red light and crashes his car into your car. The doctor tells you that you have cancer. A terrorist blows up a building while you are in it. This is not that kind of thing, where you had no part in setting yourself up for devastation. Your husband did not suddenly get substituted by a monster. Who he is is who he is and who he was. You believed what you wanted to believe. You insisted that the truth was what you wanted it to be. You kept insisting on that until reality clobbered you over the head and made it impossible for you to keep kidding yourself. You can learn from this that there is a price for buying into a fantasy. Then you can open your eyes and your heart to reality and meet it on its own terms.

Maybe it's too soon for you to consider this, but it will never be a good time. The person I know said her husband promised her that he would never hurt her, and so she trusted him. He specifically promised her that he would never be unfaithful and would never cheat on her with other women. She said she relied on that. Now she gives up on life because she got betrayed.

People do get fooled. Getting fooled by someone doesn't mean you're stupid. But spending 15 years thinking your marriage is just fine - when it is not - means you tend to believe what you want to believe. It's time to stop doing that - not to go around being negative about everything all the time . . . . . but to maintain a healthy skepticism and get to know others for who they really are.

You can give up and spend your life with a cat, but you don't have to. I recommend taking off the "rose-colored glasses."

Thank you very much. Your words are not soft, but I think you’re right 100%. I must stop believe I had a lovely prince. Most of my friends understood there was something wrong with us, in our couple. I was blind, or with pink lenses.

Good for you, Azzurrella! This is how you empower you. One year post marriage ending, you are off to a great start. Be the author of your own life story, not a blank page that someone else writes on . . . not a victim.

You have some friends worth keeping.

I am hopeful for you.

Hi guys!!I hope you had a good Xmas Day!!
I’m working day by day to recover. To accept pain and a new life.

I'm verry happy to hear it, Azzurrella! Merry Christmas! Don't give up. You can do this. Sending many hugs to you

Everything we go through in life counts as experience. Experience can be the source of wisdom. Wisdom makes life better.

May you be well in the new year.