Mediation vs hiring a lawyer

I’m in an abusive marriage and must get out. He’s volatile and verbally explosive. When upset, he becomes vindictive, unreasonable, irrational and very difficult.

I spoke with a divorce lawyer who said it could cost less to hire a lawyer to divorce us vs mediation because our case is pretty simple. No kids, no real shared assets (no home or mortgage), totally separate finances except a couple items, and we’ve only been married a year. Lawyer said the divorce paperwork will cost me $1500-2000. Mediation can cost $3500-4000. Plus with mediation, you want to probably also hire your own lawyer to check the paperwork (So I’ve read).

If my husband becomes difficult when I face him with a divorce, he could wrack up the legal fees making it Much more costly for me. He also can hardly afford his own lawyer.

So do I hire a lawyer or try to mediate? I think mediation assumes my husband will cooperate.

I just don’t know? Anyone have experience with this kind of decision??

Do what makes you safest, I can't tell you one way or the other. The most important thing is your safety, I am afraid he might go to far in one of his rages and hurt you. Have you thought about reaching out to a woman's shelter or something of the sort to see what your best options are? You are an important person and no one has the right to hurt you in any way, shape, or form. Stay Safe

I guess no one can help.

I wish I could.

Thanks Bill! It’s ok. It may be too tough a question for anyone to answer.

I think only your lawyer can help with legal question. Every situation is unique and without knowing all ins and outs no one here can tell you what’s best. I would trust that a good lawyer will know what makes more sense. I personally have no idea what’s best from a legal stand point so I’d not advice one way or the other

Yes you’re probably right. I was hoping someone had experience with a similar process/decision.

It’s still going to be unique to your situation. Even if people had to make that decision like you do, their marriage and their spouse are likely very different from yours.

True enough. Guess I need to continue talking to lawyers and reading up.

Hi Have Hope—
I just read your question, andalso your other thread on the continual cycle of raging abuse and love bombing (rinse and repeat!). You already know the love-bomb part is the same dysfunction as the abuse part (obviously more pleasant though!)

Yours sounds a lot like my marriage only it took us a lot longer to slide into the abuse phase. Tthere were a lot of enjoyable parts, yes, including sex, to the first four years, followed by five worsening years.

Here’s where I suggest you read “Power” by S. Arabi about being married to, and surviving, a malignant narcissist. (I know there are orher books that cover the same subject but I haven’t read them; also, I have it on my phone but if you don’t have phone or computer privacy it will be too risky to download it—maybe find a library or bookstore you can hang out in for a little while every few days or keep a copy at work). It’s a great explanation of HOW somebody who is supposed to be a partner can be so cruel and destructive to her partner—and her children (ACS got involved at one point).

The important thing to remember is that normal human beings expect their partner to be loving and supportive, not cruel and vindictive and abusive and controlling. But when you attempt to do anything with a malignant marcissist, you don’t get normal, you get gaslighting and manipulation and abuse.

That includes just trying to talk about the marriage.

Or negotiating an end to it.

She was the one who suggested mediation because it would be cheaper. I agreed. It didn’t work. We were fine and splendid agreeing on most things, but absolutely stuck on the things we disagreed in (you probably won’t have to worry about some of those, like money, if you were only married one year, we were married 9). So the mediation went well, wonderful attorney, we had our own wonderful attorneys as well, smoothly, but only by treading on eggshells very carefully. When the few difficult subjects (eg money) came up. She disagreed with the formula. After the meeting, walking out through the the building lobby she turned on the monster and she backed me up against a wall and screamed at me for 20 minutes.

The mediation lawyer was really surprised—and annoyed at me—when my lawyer and I served my wife with divorce papers for a court appearence. But by then I had gotten bored of trying to explain everything to everyone and figured the mediation would never ever succeed anyway. My wife’s response was to fire her attorney an hire “the best divorce lawyer in town”. And then fire him a couple of months later when he realized his client was so unreasonable and didn’t really have the money to pay him for the kind of cutthroat legal work he usually did for clients that usually had vastly more assets than we did.

Mediation is for two partners who agree to go separate ways. Just like marriage therapy is for two people who want to work as partners to have the marriage succeed. If one partner is just going to use these oportunities to manipulate things the prognosis is very poor.

The divorce took 17 months to May 2019, and yeah, it was really nasty, but by then we had been separated and my daughter and I were rebuilding our lives with court-mandated non-interference from my wife. It’s sooooo much better.

Short answer: mediation with a narcissist is just an invitation to manipulation.

Keep your eyes on the prize of a better life for you and I wish you serenity, courage and wisdom.

Thank you soooooo much for your help and for this information!



I do not know if I am dealing with a malignant narcissist. He very well could be. He certainly is explosive, irrational, abusive and vindictive. In every fight where divorce has been mentioned, he's been willing to screw me over financially.

I just read an article stating that mediation does not work with narcissists or abusers. It said mediation is for reasonable people, not for narcissists. Your own experience attests to that.

So I then researched attorneys experienced with abuse and abusers.... and experienced with contentious divorce. I contacted one such lawyer through email just now for an initial consultation.

I've spoken with and have interviewed one lawyer so far. I think I need to keep speaking with different lawyers to make sure I hire the right one who knows how to handle an abuser or narcissist. I also read that this is key when researching and identifying a divorce attorney.

I am sooo scared and am soo nervous. He frightens me when he becomes explosive in a rage.

What??? One law firm wants to charge me $350 for a "case evaluation"! Before I've even interviewed them or received my free consultation?????? I am not paying that. Aren't all initial consultations with a lawyer free? GEEZ!

Not every law firm or lawyer provides free consultations. I don’t believe they are obligated to. Just don’t use that lawyer if you’d rather go for ones with free consultations

Hmm... that's odd. My sister who is a lawyer said you can get free consultations. Maybe she just meant with some lawyers.

Yes you can get free consultation. If they provide it. It doesn’t mean every lawyer is going to provide it. When you search for a lawyer, you will see in their description if they provide free consultation. If they don’t provide it, you can’t hold it against them (unless they promised free consultation but then sent you a bill). There are so many lawyers that you can definitely find ones that will not charge for first consultation

Yep - I found one and it's a free consultation. I refuse to pay money upfront when I do not have a sense of the lawyer yet.

What I’ve read is I need a lawyer experienced in emotional abuse. The one I’m speaking with tomorrow is. It’s a free consultation. I hope this bares fruitful gains. .

UGH. Mistake. I am talking to my parents now about the details of divorce because they're going to help me to tell him when I do tell him. Now my parents are pushing for me to mediate, when my gut tells me I should hire a lawyer. I am going to follow my gut!!!!!! I feel like I need to protect myself legally in all ways.

8 Signs You Should Skip Mediation and Head Straight for the Divorce Lawyer