New Terrain, After 27 Years Married

Hi Everyone -
I'm new to this forum and wanted to introduce myself. I separated from my husband of 27 years in January, 2020. He had a brief affair in 2011, which he told me about. We went to marriage therapy for 8-9 years which helped us with communication and co-parenting, but did little else.

My problem was that I was trying to build trust with him, but he consistently did things to sabotage any progress I may have made. I'm not naturally a trusting person anyway, but he wasn't transparent about his phone and I caught him lying to me about going to a bar after work (which is how his affair happened). I think that was the final straw. It appeared that he really didn't care whether I trusted him or not. He wanted to do what he wanted to do.

We had difficulty connecting on a deeper level and, because of that, didn't have sex often. That was his major complaint. I found it difficult to talk with him because he was always looking at his phone or would reply with one word to something that took me 10 minutes to explain. I felt very alone and unappreciated.
We are friendly, still - and I think that makes this more difficult. He tells me that I'm the love of his life, but he sure didn't treat me that way! More than anything, I'd love for him to be the partner I want and need so that our family can stay intact (our children are all over 18 now). But, I have to be honest with myself.
I was miserable and lonely for years! I have to constantly remind myself of that.

We haven't filed for divorce . . . yet. We both believe it is coming and have lightly discussed it. But, it feels like I'm stepping off a cliff. I just don't know how to maneuver this. That's why I'm here.

I hope my story can be beneficial to others, and I'm hoping to get hope and clarity as my process moves forward. Right now, it's very lonely but I'm hoping that I'll find love again when I'm ready.

Hi GottaBMe. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are in a relationship that does not seem fulfilling emotionally if I hear you correctly.

The unknown of life after a divorce can be scary. One thing that can happen is couples that you and your husband socialize with may drift away as friends since the social connection was based on couples. If you have not a friend or two, it may be helpful to have one now that you are contemplating divorce.

One thing I did in a major change in my life was write down all the things I get in a relationship in a vertical column one to a line: for example financial support, a home, a dependable person in the house so I am not alone, etc. Then in a column to the right beside each of these benefits, I write how I might get that as a single person. After you list all the ones about your husband, you might then list all the elements of your life now and how that might change.

What I found by writing down all the situations, my fear lessened and my problem solving kicked into gear. I joined a yoga club and met lots of people that way plus got in better shape. I also made sure the finances would be okay. It helped me see the changes and accept the changes.

These may be of interest
Life 2.0: Coping with Divorce

Reduce the Stress of a Divorce

Coping with Divorce: In the Beginning

Feel free to reply to this post or PM me
@CANDC

I really related to both of these posts. My marriage of 33 years and our story seem to be very similar.

Something that I am really struggling with is releasing my husband and the other woman from my consciousness. I don't want him back and and taking steps to heal myself and use this as a positive springboard forward. I just can't clear them out of my head--it's like a shadow living in my brain.

If I could maintain a friendship with him and the other woman was not in the picture, I think I could get there. But knowing that she has been on the periphery of my life for 10 years and I had no idea until two months ago, is haunting me.

Anyone have any ideas? I am trying breathing and reading and walking and it only helps for a little while.

Be very cautious. Be sure divorce is truly what you want and need. I'm not going to write out a whole story for you, but I will tell you that my husband and I have been married for 33 years. 16 years into the marriage we all but hated each other. So we separated, but continued raising our teen children together. We were both in other relationships. Then the kids went away to university, the other relationships felt weird and ended.

Now my husband is 73 and I am 57. He's in great health; I'm not, so much. We've let bygones be bygones and have come to realize that we are not only dear friends, but the reality is, we need each other for practical reasons.


Forming new relationships, whether with friends or romantic partners, would be pretty difficult at this point in our lives. We both have our long-time friends, and what's left of our extended families. We cherish those.

I don't know what your financial situation is, or how you feel about strangers caring for you, should you have serious health problems that require assistance.

If you have children makes a big difference, I think, as opposed to if you do not have kids.

At this point in life I am immensely grateful that we didn't divorce when we came with an inch of doing so 16 years ago. I have known couples who divorced after two or more decades of marriage and it never did turn out well for them. I seriously cannot think of any who ended up better off. That's my experience, anyway.

Unless there's frank abuse, I'd think long and hard about whether divorce is a wise move. Perhaps separation first would be smart?

Just some thoughts.

We are separated already. I do realize what a large step this is and I'm scared, honestly. But, the truth is, I was miserable for a very long time. Like, seriously depressed. I don't want to just take him back because we have a long history and a nice friendship. I want him to make an effort to make me a priority and take better care of himself too. I'm not so scared to be alone - I just wish I could get out to meet new people right now! I want us both to be happy and, although this is painful right now, in the end I believe it might just be the best thing for both of us.

Thanks for those tips! I will definitely try that : )

Keep taking care of yourself, for sure! I found that time really does make it hurt a little less. It really sucks, I know!! But, keep taking care of yourself and reminding yourself that you are lovable and deserve to be treated better than that! I know that when I started getting physically stronger, that's when I found the mental strength to move out and separate. There is definitely a connection between the two! Challenge yourself physically and you may find that you have way more strength than you ever dreamed you had.