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5730
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 02:24 AM
  #1
My husband and I separated about 6 weeks ago and we are headed in the direction of a dissolution. We have 2 boys. Anyway, I am struggling the most with loneliness during the process. As a back story--My ex has mental health issues and we fell nicely into a narcissist/co-dependent dance throughout our marriage of 12 years. I have been in therapy for 3 years and so I am addressing my co-dependent tendencies.

When my ex has our children, I feel especially lonely. In an act of desperation, I joined a dating site seeking friendship about 2 weeks ago. Big mistake. I was taken aback by the number of mid-life sex addicted people on dating sites. Anyway, do you have any tips for dealing with the loneliness of the divorce process? I feel like I am a drag for my friends right now and they are all very busy with their families.

I want to approach my post-relationship recovery in a healthy way, but I just feel so lonely and in all honesty--desperate for interaction (and maybe attention).

Any tips would be appreciated.
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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 01:03 PM
  #2
Hi 5730. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry for the loss of your marriage, but it sounds like you have been working on yourself and taking care of yourself. Good for you.

It sounds like your life has revolved around your children and husband so when they are not there, it would feel lonely. Unfortunately dating sites tend to be dominated by people looking for physical intimacy. I have met people on meet ups where you are in a group of people that share similar interests. Of course with restrictions due to covid19, there may be fewer in person meetups, but even a zoom meeting is a way to feel connected to people. I was surprised how many exercise classes are being held in Zoom. There are also meditation classes and mindfulness. I have links if you want to reply to this post or send a personal message. @CANDC

I think joining this site is a good move for meeting people as friends and acquaintances that I have online. I enjoy the anonymity of Psych Central and hesitate to share personal contact info onsite, but that to me is an advantage because friendships build slowly and with less risk of having things turn sour.

These articles may be of interest
Loneliness | Psych Central

All By Yourself? 10 Ways To Overcome Loneliness

Hope you get the support you are looking for. This is rather a specific subforum so you may want to check out others and post there also https://psychcentralforums.com/

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Default Aug 16, 2020 at 07:05 PM
  #3
Thanks. I would love any links you have to offer.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 12:17 PM
  #4
Hi 5730,

I just joined, kind of in the same situation, a separation with my husband amidst COVID 19, and dealing with loneliness. Except that I don’t, sadly, have any children, and all my evenings and weekends are just mine to struggle with. Just wanted to say, I understand your pain, and you are actually not alone in this.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 06:57 PM
  #5
I am also feeling this. My daughter has been living with me but she is not here that much and moving out soon. I am absolutely dreading living by myself. I know lots of people who love living alone and I wish I did, too. One thing that helps me is to have something on my calendar every day/night... a walk with a friend, or an online meeting (there are meetings for codependency on In the Rooms.com), or socially distanced chat or SOMETHING.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 05:28 PM
  #6
This has been the year that has tested the limitations of my sanity. Sadly, I don't have an answer for what you experience--loneliness. As mentioned in some of my previous posts, I am one year post separation from my ex wife.

I absolutely DREAD entering my apartment. The emptiness of it just gets to me and on weekends, it has been pretty uncomfortable. Add COVID to the mix and life has been unbearable. I do have a 7 year old daughter that visits me very seldomly, she is still having difficulty adjusting to her new paradigm. Her therapist suggests to make it easier for her we shouldn't force her to stay at my home. So, I suffer at night with memories of what was my past family life and try to splice in my new life. It sure would be nice if I had someone to come home to and talk to, since my walls don't respond.

So, perhaps, know that you are not alone in your feelings of isolation.

--Sarc.
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Default Sep 23, 2020 at 11:39 PM
  #7
Hi 5730–
I used to feel that there was nothing worse than loneliness. Then I had a 9-year marriage with a narcissist that got worse and worse, and she got angrier and more violent and abusive. The divorce was finalized a year ago. Now I have a different view of loneliness. I still don’t like it, but it’s peaceful, I don’t feel threatened, or attacked, or walking in aminefield, and I’m not sleeping on the couch. It’s soooo much better than the alternative.

There is much wisdom in what beeX wrote: you might not have company all the time, but it’s good to schedule some kind of healthy interaction every day: a phone call, an online chat, a walk, a trip to a bench outside Starbucks, or even if you just blast the radio and sing along.
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 09:05 AM
  #8
I hear you. I just found out 2 months ago that my husband wants a divorce. And he is having an emotional affair with a coworker. Here's the thing - during this whole Covid time - I have been incredibly lonely in the house with him. I couldn't figure out why he wasn't talking much. Well, he was talking, just not to me. Ah ha. That makes more sense.

Now we are trying to sort out the next step which is very complicated with a two income house that we were fixing up and a step child, and of course, Covid. I am still very lonely in the house. This is my number 1 thought. It's why I joined this forum. (so you have done 1 thing that should help).

Here are some others - there is an app/website called Meetup - it's for everyone to find people with similar interests. I have used it in the past and have joined it again. You may be able to find a walking/hiking group or something that will get you involved with a couple more people. Also, don't be afraid to call someone who don't know that well and just say - "hey I am going through a divorce and I really need local friends right now, would you like to meet for dinner/drink/coffee" Go out and ask them questions about their life. You have nothing to lose. Podcasts I also think are helpful because it feels like someone is talking to you. I personally find walking very helpful. Fresh air, earbuds, sunshine and miles beneath my feet. In addition, you could set up a project to do that might take your mind off of it - sometimes accomplishing something can lessen the loneliness. Good luck.
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Default Dec 06, 2020 at 10:07 PM
  #9
I hear you and I feel the same.

34, going through divorce and no kids.

I like my "me" time. I enjoy my routine. But after a few hours, I feel like I dont know what to do with myself. Weekends especially are a drag. All my friends are in a different phase, either busy with kids or their spouses, so cant really rely on them.

I am hoping this will get better at some point, although in my head, I dont see how.

Any suggestions are welcome. I will look into this app-Meetup as suggested,

From my end, I can only say that meditation and yoga have been quite helpful. it keeps in check the unnecessary chatter in my mind.
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Default Dec 08, 2020 at 07:53 AM
  #10
8 year marriage, abusive wife, and two boys with autism. I could fill a book with all the layers, reasons, and tragedies of why it came crashing down. I still love her but had to do what was best for me and my kids... Anyway, the best thing you can do is get out. Shopping, stroll at the park, or even a phone call will help fill the dead space... It doesnt sound like much, and in the end it might not be, but it will help a little. I'd avoid relationships cause they really wont fix your loneliness and you might end up hurting someone. I find talking to my dad helps a lot, I know that isnt something everyone can do though. My dog is also a great source of comfort. At the end of the day, the loneliness still weighs heavy on me... But time heals everything. Truthfully, the only thing that helps the pain is the time that separates us from this moment. We just have to keep busy until that day comes were we can run free again. Im so sorry, but know youre not alone. Hoping for better days, my friends.
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Default Apr 22, 2021 at 02:37 PM
  #11
I hear you on the lonely and desperate for interaction. I think I'm starting to bug my friends too and can only say "I'm alright" so many times. I'm going through a divorce as well, moved out 6 weeks ago, and when I don't have my two kids around I'm beyond lonely. I don't mind the quiet sometimes, but it has added to my depression lately. Have you found anything that works? I'm reading a lot online, and just joined this forum yesterday, but I'm on the computer a lot. The last thing I want to do is go on a dating site.
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Heart May 08, 2021 at 03:16 AM
  #12
Hi, Just moved into my new home, been divorced for 6 months now. I have a lot of friends and family, but the feeling of loneliness strikes time and again. I've found reminding myself that I am loved, that there are many that feel this way, seeing friends and family helps and can lift the feeling. Tbh I feel depressed and as has been said, can't see a way forward. It's to be expected apparently - according to the 5 stages of divorce.
I need genuine hugs and love and to feel I'm part of something bigger than me alone. I used to enjoy my own company within the family, but not so now.
Odd that so many feel this way. Hug to all those that feel this way
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Default May 19, 2021 at 09:01 AM
  #13
Echoing everything that has been said on this thread. I find 5-8pm the hardest time of day and Sunday the loneliest day. I try to find something to do, even just walk the dog or pull weeds or organize the shed, just to have the time pass. Watching a movie kills 2 hours. I try to tell myself feeling lonely is part of being human and have myself felt lonely at times within a relationship, which in some ways was more difficult for me. A good book can provide escape. I’ve started a few that were good but then found the subject was triggering my recent relationship issues so it took awhile to find the right kind of things to read. Hang in there, you are not alone!
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Default May 19, 2021 at 12:02 PM
  #14
Sending hugs to everyone and i hope that things will Improve really soon for everyone! Please do not give up!
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Default May 22, 2021 at 03:17 AM
  #15
I am also dealing with loneliness so thanks for making this post. I think at some point it will get better but it will take time. It helps that thanks to this post i know im not alone and were not alone and to know that others feel the same way. I will try the yoga and meditation.
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