[FrankIV]

I was in an 8 year relationship with my wife. We had two kids with autism, Isaac (8yo) and Jeremiah (4yo). Both my kids are non-verbal but my oldest is the most severe. The years were really hard on us especially with our oldest son who had lots of behavioral problems... Both my wife and I have very little family involved with the kids... Honestly I could write a book about all the horrible things we experienced as autism parents, especially when it came to family which is unfortunate. I deeply loved my wife and fought for our family for so long... But after our second son was diagnosed she mentally checked out... Things slowly got worse and worse... to the point were she became abusive to not only me, but my sons as well. Finally one day i asked her if she wanted to get separated and she said "That sounds amazing" Those last couple months with her were so sad... I tried so hard to let her know how much i loved and appreciated her but it just didnt mean anything anymore coming for me... and with the abuse, i had to leave, for me and my kids. After the divorce she really abandoned the mom life... She didnt want to see my oldest on her weekends with him, she didnt want any kind of custody of my oldest and only wanted to see my youngest ( He has high functioning autism and is easier to care for) She's even told me in person, and I quote! "I wish i never had kids, I was never meant to be a mom." And now she's having lots of casual relationships with a lot of men. Shes always excited to tell me about the new guy shes seeing, not sure why... I think shes on her 6th guy now? This last weekend i couldnt watch Jeremiah for her, on her day with him, and she got really upset and said "youre a worthless piece of **** and you should kill yourself" I just sat there speechless and all i said was " Jessica, all i do is take care of our kids, everyday" she walked off and never apologized. It just hurts that she doesnt care... She doesnt care about me, im worthless to her. I really dont know what to do anymore. Im trying really hard to combat the loneliness by going for walks or talking to my dad... but it just kills me... I talk to my son even though he cant say anything... i cry a lot around him and he likes touching my tears ( he loves water. ) I even tried talking to this girl I really liked and she started coming around. She was a girl from my past and we had some history together. She was telling me she loved me ( which isnt a word you really go throwing around in your 30s..) But then she started acting weird... She would make plans with me and my son and then bail on us without any word from her... Eventually she stopped talking to me completely... I was pretty upset, but i know its not the answer to my loneliness. Its so hard being a single dad with 2 non verbal children, I wish i could have real conversations with them, and not just me venting to my kids while they play with my tears lol... Im feeling like im losing hope, strength, the will to go on. I dont know what to do anymore and find myself staring at the wall most days... I have no friends anymore... They either got filtered out or I lost touch cause of the marriage/kids. Making new friends in your 30s is impossible it seems... and all the people I know are either starting careers or families... So, i guess i come her in search of any kind of wisdom you can bestow upon me. What can I do to just feel, okay... to get some ground underneath my feet again... anything helps at this point.

[Yaowen]

Dear FrankIV,

I am so terribly sorry you are in the situation you described in your post. The whole thing sounds utterly heartbreaking. I wish I knew what to say to help ease your distress and grief. Hopefully others here will have the knowledge, insight and wisdom to be helpful to you. You are an amazing person. I have always thought that being a parent was the most noble and heroic life a person could live and so to me, you, being the parent of kids with autism is just way beyond noble and heroic. People like you inspire me so much and it saddens me that I do don't know what to say to be helpful to you. I can't even imagine what burdens you carry in your life and how heavy they are. Reading your words makes me think they are crushingly heavy. My heart goes out to you and my deepest apologies for not being able to be helpful to you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[FrankIV]

Thank you so much... i teared up reading your response. Its nice to hear someone say something like that to me cause no one ever has... Thank you

[Seetha]

It was heart breaking to read your post. I think you are an amazing person to not give up on your kids and stick to your responsibilities even when your partner bailed.

I can only imagine how difficult this phase must be for you. I am raking my mind up to see if I have anything helpful to say , but failing miserably!

Perhaps try a support group for parents ? who better to understand and share wisdom than people in the same phase.

Hire help atleast for an hour or two every couple of days to take care of your kids .Even if you don't do anything fancy, if you are able to turn off and blow some steam off, it should help.I know it may feel like it wont mean a lot, but it surely will make some difference.



I love talking to my dad and getting his advice too.

[FrankIV]

I really want to try a support group. Im just not sure where to find them? I also heard there arent as many people meeting up anymore cause of covid... But im still going to try. Its so hard to get myself to do these sometimes cause of the crippling depression.. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story... Truthfully, just having people hear my story is comforting. I know there probably isnt anything anyone can say to really help... Im just happy you all appreciate what i do... it makes me feel like i matter... thank you

[MickeyCheeky]

i am (was going to write it in caps) so Sorry to hear about Your situation, frank! i COMPLETELY Agree with ALL the other Wise And Wonderful People on this forum. You are truly a noble warrior And fighter, Being a parent. Have You considered getting some kind of therapy perhaps? That may Help making You feel a little bit less lonely, having SomeOne to talk to, And at the same Time You may also get some Support And some Advice about how to proceed with Your Life. i am so Sorry if this Advice was not particularlu Helpful but perhaps give it a Try if You Want to! You Matter A LOT! SEnding Many Safe, Warm Hugs to BOTH You, @FrankIV, Your Family, Your FriEnds, Your children And ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Seetha]

On the contrary, the participation in support groups has apparently gone up. Due to Covid, most of these are now online via Zoom , so people are finding it more convenient.

The best source to find out about the groups, in my opinion, would be your kids Doctors. Each health care system usually has such resources...

its worthwhile to give it a try! I totally understand being crippled with depression. Its only natural for your system to feel beat out. But please find the strength to reach out, always!

Sending hope your way.

[BrownEyedAries]

This week I went looking for a support group. 2020 has been particularly rough, and I’ve found myself desperately hoping to find someone that will understand at least part of what I’m going through. Your post is one if the first I’ve read, and the first I’m replying to. I was in a 16 year relationship with my husband (married for 14 years). We have 2 boys, ages 12 and 9. My 12 year old has autism. While I can relate to your post in so many ways, I can’t imagine having 2 kids on the spectrum. I hope in sharing part of my story with you, you will feel less alone.

A year ago (last December) I went to the eye doctor for a routine exam. 2 days later I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. In January 2020 I went in for surgery on my youngest sons 9th birthday to have a tumor removed and a biopsy done. While recovering from surgery and waiting for biopsy results, my husband chose this time to inform me that he wanted to live a different life. As he started moving on with his life, I was left pretty much alone to recover from surgery, homeschool my kids (because COVID shut their schools down), and try to give my kids a normal routine they both desperately needed. COVID also shut down all my sons therapy offices. These are therapies that have been a regular part of his routine since he was 12 months old. At the end of May 2020, I went in for another check up to see how I was recovering from surgery. At this appointment I was told I need 6 weeks of brain radiation. I started radiation in July 2020. I did this 5 days a week for 6 weeks, and received 81 doses of radiation. It left me incredibly tired, and nauseous. 5 days after finishing radiation, my husband of 14 years filed for divorce. We went through mediation on October 1st, and he willing gave me primary custody of my kids, and agreed to let me leave the state with them (so I could be closer to family as I recover) for less spousal support. In October 2020, I packed up our lives and moved halfway across the country. I’ve spent the past 2 months trying to get my kids settled into their new lives.

While our stories are different, I think we have a lot in common. We’re both in our 30’s, we are both single parents to 2 boys, we have a child/children with autism, and it sounds like we were both betrayed and traumatized by the one person we should have been able to count on. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Be kind to yourself. Know that you’re doing your best, even when it feels like it’s not enough. I do believe that things will get better and easier for both of us.

[Seetha]

I think you are amazing. For posting this. For being so positive and full of hope.

[Here we go again]

Hang in there. You are strong and you have one thing,... The unconditional love of your children.