Recent divorce

Hello all. I don’t really know how to start this. My ex-wife and I started out as friends; really good friends for a couple years. We were basically inseparable. Then we started dating. We were together for 5 years. She was definitely my most trusted person. We had our ups and downs, mostly related to severe mental illness on both our sides. I don’t need to rehash our the details of the whole ordeal; I’ve done it too many times to count, and it doesn’t help to talk about the divorce and everything that happened and led up to it. Right now, I don’t know how to cope. She was my most trusted person, and without her I feel like I’m drowning. Coping through my mental illness, I always had her. In the divorce, I lost all support for my transition (I’m ftm transgender), all support I had for my mental health, and the only person I’ve ever truly loved. I don’t know how to get through this without her here. I don’t even want to get back together with her; I simply want to talk to her like I used to and not be so alone. The divorce came out of nowhere for me so I am still reeling from the shock. This happened in the beginning of the year. I have completely disassociated from reality, my past/memories, and my identity, I don’t trust anyone anymore, and I have an emotional barrier up to everyone including friends and family. I’ve been hurt so many times, she was the only one I thought would never hurt me. I just don’t know what to do to cope through this. Any advice?