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Timeforchange2020
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Default Oct 20, 2020 at 06:41 AM
  #1
Hi I’m 36 and facing my second divorce and feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. This relationship was by far my best ever. I felt I did my best and showed as much love as a partner can show their wife. It was very unexpected and I truly felt she was the one I would be with for the rest of my life. She has now cut off all communication between us and am pretty sure she is filing for divorce. And here I am again lost and just don’t even know what to do? Nothing feels good like it used to. Not my hobbies or recreational activities. I can’t sleep through the night and struggle to even get out of bed. I never was one to cook for myself before so I’m even having trouble maintaining any sort of diet and losing weight very fast. I have reached out for help and start trauma counseling today. I just feel so alone and like I don’t even know where to start to heal. I’m sure many of you feel the same just looking to hear from someone who might have some answers?
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Smile Oct 20, 2020 at 02:41 PM
  #2
Hello Timeforchange: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. The Depression forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/depression/

And then here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Shocked that Your Spouse Left? Here's the Secret to Recovery

What to Do When You Feel Lost After Divorce

How To Deal With Depression After Divorce: 5 Actionable Tips

The Differences in Divorce for Men and Women

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Rebecah
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Default Oct 20, 2020 at 08:22 PM
  #3
I am also going through a divorce, first timer. I feel similar. Some days in fine others I wonder why I even initiated the divorce. Of course logically I know why. He was emotionally and in the past has been physically abusive. Could be caring and sweet and amazing and then turn and fly off the handle with anger. Never knew what was coming. So with all of this how could I think that staying married an option or question my decision. Im constantly wondering what I did wrong. Its so hard like lo no
sing a piece of yourself. Tell me it gets easier. The divorce literally just this week
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Hstjustice
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Default Oct 22, 2020 at 07:55 AM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Timeforchange2020 View Post
Hi I’m 36 and facing my second divorce and feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. This relationship was by far my best ever. I felt I did my best and showed as much love as a partner can show their wife. It was very unexpected and I truly felt she was the one I would be with for the rest of my life. She has now cut off all communication between us and am pretty sure she is filing for divorce. And here I am again lost and just don’t even know what to do? Nothing feels good like it used to. Not my hobbies or recreational activities. I can’t sleep through the night and struggle to even get out of bed. I never was one to cook for myself before so I’m even having trouble maintaining any sort of diet and losing weight very fast. I have reached out for help and start trauma counseling today. I just feel so alone and like I don’t even know where to start to heal. I’m sure many of you feel the same just looking to hear from someone who might have some answers?

Hello, I am 51 and you pretty much described what i am going thru and how I am feeling. It'd be about a month and a half. One difference is we have 3 dogs that i love very much, that are living with her. I get to visit them weekly but it really can't replace not seeing them daily. My advice is to try getting threw the day or even an hour at a time. The healing process take a while. i am not even close to it. The only answer is time, and to learn for it. It sucks trust me, I had my whole retirement planned out, and where we were going to live and all the traveling we planned on doing. Then out of no where it's all gone, and I still don't know the reason why, other than being told she doesn't feel connected, she feels we were just roommates.
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ShockedAndAwed
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Default Nov 06, 2020 at 06:49 PM
  #5
Wow, the above post could have been me in many ways. I am 53 and going through divorce after 23 years of marriage. It is quite painful and was a surprise to me. My days feel lonely and empty most of the time and y mind goes over and over the past years trying to put sense to why we are here. I am in therapy each week and look forward to those sessions to help provide clues on how to move on. All my happy memories are now filled with sadness. I have joined a different church and that has helped. I have also started to volunteer to see about putting my energy toward others instead of inward. But, what we are all going through is the grieving process and the only answer I can truly find now is time and allowing myself to experience the denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance steps. It is quite lonely often, but I have started to have daily talks with God although they seem one sided a lot. I wish the best for you and just know that you are not alone and there is hope on the other side.
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Default Nov 18, 2020 at 05:39 AM
  #6
I am 32 and on my second divorce. I can relate. I did everything to the best of my ability pretty much ever moment of every day. I just can't understand how some people can just leave so easily after devoting so much time to them. I tried going on prozac again and had a totally adverse reaction. I was in bed but unable to sleep and losing weight. My therapist has been one of the only things keeping me going. So, I'm glad you started counseling.
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herbal tea
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Default Nov 20, 2020 at 08:17 AM
  #7
Hello
it is a pity that you have such a difficult period now.
I know that now no advice will help reduce your suffering and depression.
The only doctor in this case is time. You just need to go through this period, and then everything will start to get better.
Also, try not to be alone during this period. The support of relatives and friends helps a lot.
A few years ago, my sister divorced and I saw how difficult it was for her. But six months later, her life improved and she became even happier than during the marriage.
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Momof3mn
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Default Dec 14, 2020 at 07:13 PM
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Hello! I am 36 I have been married for 18yrs and have 3 children. However my husband has been to rehab 5 times and I have finally learned he is a covert narcissist. I finally filed for separation a couple weeks ago. I will never be able to change him and he will never change. Something I'm learning is that I need to look at myself and see why I attract men like this so in the future this does not happen.
I'm sure you new counseling will help you a lot good luck 😊 My best advice is just to figure out what you can change about you so the next person you meet and let into your life will not carry these traits of your 1st 2. Truly wish you the best through this journey.
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Open Eyes
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Default Dec 15, 2020 at 01:02 PM
  #9
It's always a shock when a relationship fails. A person gets used to living in the maze of a relationship, even a bad relationship and when that ends it is NORMAL to feel lost and to even question who you are.

I actually talked about this in another thread where they study human behaviors by using rats. Believe it or not they have actually learned a great deal from studying rats even though human beings have so much more brain capacity.

We all unknowingly develop certain ways of navigating from an early age. We do not really know what is good or not good, instead we all adapt to whatever environment we experience. If you take a young rat and introduce it to a certain type of maze, that rat will learn how to survive within that maze pattern. That is even if there are things that might hurt that rat or where a rat is taught to eat too much, or doesn't get to eat as much or has to do extra things just to eat. If that rat is moved from that maze and exposed to a new maze, it stresses and it looks for things that are similar to the other maze it learned to survive in.

Truth is, human beings tend to gravitate to whatever is "familiar". So a human being can choose a partner that may be unhealthy for them, but it is something familar so they pick that person. When or if that fails to last because they chose the wrong person, it's normal to get confused and even wonder "who am I?". And unfortunately, as a person looks to find a way forward, they are more apt to choose that same FAMILIAR and even begin to rebuild that same old maze that it knew how to navigate.

People tend to form relationships based on what they know too. A person who prefers to instruct and control in some way may constantly be attracted to a person they can do this with. It's actually amazing to sit back and observe because you have this constant needy problem type and the instructor constantly following this person around. I have even seen this instructor type ignore some significant red flags and even encourage this other person to do things that are WRONG.

I have seen teachers do this, and especially riding instructors where they constantly instruct a student to do things the WRONG way. One begins to wonder who is controlling who. I have watched parents do this with their children too. Again, it gets so I have wondered who is controlling who and the one thing that stands out is the end result is NOT HEALTHY.

When ANY relationship ends, it is NORMAL to feel lost. That is because of how without even realizing it, we begin to learn how to engage in a PATTERN/MAZE with that other individual and it becomes a part of who we are without even realizing it.

The important part of HEALING is to agree to examine the maze and BE HONEST with self about what self did that contributed to whatever they allowed to happen while in that maze. This is not meant to self punish either, instead it's important to examine the dynamic of the maze so that you do not go out and once again create the same maze simply because it's what you know and are familiar with.

We all can learn to function in mazes that can be unhealthy. The key to making healthier choices is to identity our own part when it comes to gravitating to the same unhealthy we thought was normal but is not.
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cjackson968
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Default Feb 13, 2021 at 01:14 AM
  #10
What's the grounds for the divorce?
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