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AZ Dad 1979
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Default Nov 19, 2020 at 01:56 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by MB310 View Post
Hi AZ, how are you coping now? I recently found out my husband was unfaithful & he’s now asking for divorce..it’s devastating. Hope you are well
I want to give a positive answer and say I’m doing good but I’m not. I am a week away from the one year anniversary of finding out, and my heart is still completely shattered over it. I honestly have been struggling with thoughts of being done with this life, but I’m fighting it. I am sorry you are also facing this. You are right, it’s devastating, and anyone who says it isn’t either hasn’t faced it or wasn’t truly in love with whoever did it to them. I hope you are well too, try to stay strong, it’s all we can do.
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Default Nov 20, 2020 at 07:43 AM
  #22
When the person you loved betrays you, it is a big tragedy
And I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I understand that you do not want to live without a family. But it seems to me that living with a person you don't want to live with for the rest of your life is also a bad idea.

Maybe it's better to leave your wife now. Because you will no longer have love and trust. But if you go, you will still have a chance to find a person who will love you and who will be faithful to you. All people deserve to be with people who value them.
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Default Nov 21, 2020 at 12:16 AM
  #23
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Originally Posted by herbal tea View Post
When the person you loved betrays you, it is a big tragedy
And I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I understand that you do not want to live without a family. But it seems to me that living with a person you don't want to live with for the rest of your life is also a bad idea.

Maybe it's better to leave your wife now. Because you will no longer have love and trust. But if you go, you will still have a chance to find a person who will love you and who will be faithful to you. All people deserve to be with people who value them.

I wouldn’t live without a family, all 4 of my kids rallied behind me when it came out (they are all adults or within a year of being).

I am not lacking love, but definitely trust. Finding a person who will love and be faithful to me seems very unlikely. I don’t see me ever giving anyone all of my heart or trust ever again. I don’t think any woman will ever want me anyways. I am in a wheelchair now from my spine injury, and also by me not having trust I don’t think any woman would want to deal with my insecurities. I’m not staying for those reasons, but I have already accepted them as truth.
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 05:10 PM
  #24
So it’s been about 2 months since my last post on this thread. I find myself literally numb to the face most of the time. My heart has grown harder and I no longer feel like I can ever be in love with her again. I love her as a person and do not want her unhappy the rest of her life, but I think that’s the extent of my feelings right now. I never make love or have sex with her. Never turned on. Never care to touch or kiss really. I am afraid of growing old alone though. I wonder if it’s better to have a “best friend” I live with who’s not like a lover, or to be alone the rest of my life? I feel like I have three options:

* Stay in an unhappy marriage because I have company.
* Be alone the rest of my life
* Get busy dying

I never could imagine I would one day be in this position. Give my whole self and life to one person just to be torn apart so horribly. I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I feel like such a worthless loser. I gave everything... 😭
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Default Feb 25, 2021 at 10:53 PM
  #25
Hi @AZ Dad 1979 I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My husband and I are currently going through a divorce and that has been gut-wrenching, to say the least, I cannot imagine also dealing with infidelity.

What does your wife want to do? Does she want to stay married?
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 02:29 AM
  #26
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Hi @AZ Dad 1979 I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My husband and I are currently going through a divorce and that has been gut-wrenching, to say the least, I cannot imagine also dealing with infidelity.

What does your wife want to do? Does she want to stay married?
My wife left for 2-3 days in the beginning which led me to believe she didn’t want me at all, but came home and asked to work it out saying she only left because she was too ashamed to see me or talk to me. Now she claims she wants to grow old together and all of those other sappy things we used to talk about before. The difference is I don’t share her feelings in every way anymore. I don’t believe I will ever fully trust her. I’m disgusted at the thought of intimacy and the very few times we have been together it’s been great for her, but it was all going through the motions and no “happy ending” for me. I have gone from doing that to not doing anything at all because I can’t do it without thinking of what she did and the mental images that accompany those thoughts.

So short answer I should have given: At this point she’s all in, and I have one pinky toe in.
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 12:49 PM
  #27
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Originally Posted by AZ Dad 1979 View Post
My wife left for 2-3 days in the beginning which led me to believe she didn’t want me at all, but came home and asked to work it out saying she only left because she was too ashamed to see me or talk to me. Now she claims she wants to grow old together and all of those other sappy things we used to talk about before. The difference is I don’t share her feelings in every way anymore. I don’t believe I will ever fully trust her. I’m disgusted at the thought of intimacy and the very few times we have been together it’s been great for her, but it was all going through the motions and no “happy ending” for me. I have gone from doing that to not doing anything at all because I can’t do it without thinking of what she did and the mental images that accompany those thoughts.

So short answer I should have given: At this point she’s all in, and I have one pinky toe in.
I see, what is keeping that pinky toe in? Maybe whatever is keeping you makes the relationship worth fighting for. But it's definitely not worth it if you're going to be unhappy and don't plan to move past this. I know you have a long difficult road ahead (whether you get a divorce or stay together), so you need to decide which road leads to a happier ending for both of you.

Being single is better than being in a bad relationship. On the other hand, if you can forgive her and fully move on maybe you should.
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 04:48 PM
  #28
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Originally Posted by ilovecatss View Post
I see, what is keeping that pinky toe in? Maybe whatever is keeping you makes the relationship worth fighting for. But it's definitely not worth it if you're going to be unhappy and don't plan to move past this. I know you have a long difficult road ahead (whether you get a divorce or stay together), so you need to decide which road leads to a happier ending for both of you.

Being single is better than being in a bad relationship. On the other hand, if you can forgive her and fully move on maybe you should.

The toe is in because I am afraid. I’ve been with her and only her since 16. Im 42 with no experience outside of her and also now that I am partially paralyzed after my injury, I don’t think anyone else will want me. Bad reasons I know, but I am scared I will regret not trying longer if I become an older man who’s always alone/lonely. I am sure people think I’m stupid either way. Either why would I stay with a cheater or because I stay with one I don’t really wanna be with.
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 05:11 PM
  #29
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Originally Posted by AZ Dad 1979 View Post
The toe is in because I am afraid. I’ve been with her and only her since 16. Im 42 with no experience outside of her and also now that I am partially paralyzed after my injury, I don’t think anyone else will want me. Bad reasons I know, but I am scared I will regret not trying longer if I become an older man who’s always alone/lonely. I am sure people think I’m stupid either way. Either why would I stay with a cheater or because I stay with one I don’t really wanna be with.
That makes sense. I think fear is also why I am afraid. Currently, I'm in the actual divorcing part, and I can say that this part is even worse than not knowing what the future will be like. Because in your phase there's still hope. But based on everyone who I have spoken with (various ages) they all have said in unison that it gets better with time and that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. I am sure you'll figure out what's best for you.
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 07:38 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by ilovecatss View Post
That makes sense. I think fear is also why I am afraid. Currently, I'm in the actual divorcing part, and I can say that this part is even worse than not knowing what the future will be like. Because in your phase there's still hope. But based on everyone who I have spoken with (various ages) they all have said in unison that it gets better with time and that being single is better than being in a bad relationship. I am sure you'll figure out what's best for you.
I think I saw you say you were in your late 20’s? You will bounce back, you are young and have a ton of living to do. Try being a 42 year old whos been with one woman and can’t walk currently due to partial paralysis!! Wanna switch? Lol j/k.
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 07:59 PM
  #31
I wouldn't rush to divorce. I've been married for close to 40 years and we had our big separation, saw other people, etc. Once we went through all that we became best friends and at this point, we really rely on each other for both emotional and practical reasons. I've seen sooo many people rush to divorce and deeply regret it years later.

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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 08:21 PM
  #32
Separation isn’t a bad idea. My ex and I were separated for a year before we decided that divorce is the way to go. I’d only want immediate divorce if there is abuse
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Default Feb 26, 2021 at 09:29 PM
  #33
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Originally Posted by AZ Dad 1979 View Post
I think I saw you say you were in your late 20’s? You will bounce back, you are young and have a ton of living to do. Try being a 42 year old whos been with one woman and can’t walk currently due to partial paralysis!! Wanna switch? Lol j/k.
You're funny lol. Yeah I know it can always be worse, people keep telling me this but for some reason, it doesn't make the situation feel any better lol. I know it's not the end, but it sure feels like it's the end for me. I also wasn't the one who initiated the divorce nor do I fully understand why we are getting a divorce. So I am left with a lot of questions and confusion. He's pretty much completely ignoring me at this point. Which makes it even harder. I feel like if I at least had some definite reason I can move on a little faster.
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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 10:14 AM
  #34
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Originally Posted by ilovecatss View Post
You're funny lol. Yeah I know it can always be worse, people keep telling me this but for some reason, it doesn't make the situation feel any better lol. I know it's not the end, but it sure feels like it's the end for me. I also wasn't the one who initiated the divorce nor do I fully understand why we are getting a divorce. So I am left with a lot of questions and confusion. He's pretty much completely ignoring me at this point. Which makes it even harder. I feel like if I at least had some definite reason I can move on a little faster.
Sounds like he doesn't know how to articulate what is bothering him. Sounds like he is a bit immature when it comes to communicating.
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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 01:31 PM
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Sounds like he doesn't know how to articulate what is bothering him. Sounds like he is a bit immature when it comes to communicating.
Yes, I think he does have terrible communication. It was a repeating issue in our relationship, and now it's making the divorce even worse. But I have tried writing a letter, meeting up, and texting, and it's radio silence from him. I have no idea what's going through his head.
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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 04:18 PM
  #36
Omg I am sorry, it appears that people are discussing two completely different situations on this thread and I responded thinking I am on a different thread. When I mentioned separation and used my own divorce as an example, I thought I was on ilocecats thread. Ugh. My response makes no sense. Sorry AZDad, hang in there
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Default Feb 27, 2021 at 05:04 PM
  #37
I am sorry AZ, when it comes to marriage challenges, an affair is up there as very hard to recover from. ((( hugs))).
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Default Mar 02, 2021 at 09:03 AM
  #38
Hey, I advise you to deal with all these by using professional help of a councelor
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Trig Mar 03, 2021 at 11:24 PM
  #39
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Originally Posted by AZ Dad 1979 View Post
I want to give a positive answer and say I’m doing good but I’m not. I am a week away from the one year anniversary of finding out, and my heart is still completely shattered over it. I honestly have been struggling with thoughts of being done with this life, but I’m fighting it. I am sorry you are also facing this. You are right, it’s devastating, and anyone who says it isn’t either hasn’t faced it or wasn’t truly in love with whoever did it to them. I hope you are well too, try to stay strong, it’s all we can do.
Hey AZ Dad! I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s just not fair. I know exactly how you feel. My wife left me a little over a year ago. Although there was no infidelity involved in our marriage, our relationship started to deteriorate about a couple of years earlier when I lost my job. I do however think I understand intimately how you feel about trust being broken. In my mind fidelity is more than just not sleeping around. It’s also about staying. Leaving is as much a transgression to fidelity in my view.

Even though we were in a bad place in our marriage I was hanging on to the hope that we would soldier through this bad time and that if we were resilient we would find a place where we could see past the frustrations we inflicted on each other and thrive again.

Unfortunately it did not happen. She is the second woman to walk out from a marriage with me. And both hurt as hell. The second time was much more damaging though. We were married for 11 years and have 3 beautiful children. I don’t believe in divorce and would never initiate it. No matter how bad things can get. I think I was a much better person with her even if we were in a downturn that I am alone.

Her walking out from me shook me to my core. It really destroyed my self of sense of self. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be here anymore. I have pondered this question endlessly for a long time.

A couple of weeks after my wife left me, my best friend, who has been my closest family ever since we were 6, insulted me challenged me to end my life and of course left me.

So I pretty much felt like going through two divorces at the same time.

No I feel absolutely worthless, and feel that all that has happened is clearly my fault. I am a horrible person. I can’t come even to think that any woman would ever come to love me. After all two women have clearly found out that I’m insufferable. All this horrible pain, confusion, insecurity and bitterness feels like penance for my many faults.

I’m hanging on to my kids and work as a source of validation and meaning. Work is a very poor substitute though. However bad it gets hang in there, your children deserve you.

Last edited by bluekoi; Mar 03, 2021 at 11:58 PM.. Reason: Soften to "end of life".
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Default Mar 04, 2021 at 01:17 AM
  #40
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Hey AZ Dad! I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s just not fair. I know exactly how you feel. My wife left me a little over a year ago. Although there was no infidelity involved in our marriage, our relationship started to deteriorate about a couple of years earlier when I lost my job. I do however think I understand intimately how you feel about trust being broken. In my mind fidelity is more than just not sleeping around. It’s also about staying. Leaving is as much a transgression to fidelity in my view.

Even though we were in a bad place in our marriage I was hanging on to the hope that we would soldier through this bad time and that if we were resilient we would find a place where we could see past the frustrations we inflicted on each other and thrive again.

Unfortunately it did not happen. She is the second woman to walk out from a marriage with me. And both hurt as hell. The second time was much more damaging though. We were married for 11 years and have 3 beautiful children. I don’t believe in divorce and would never initiate it. No matter how bad things can get. I think I was a much better person with her even if we were in a downturn that I am alone.

Her walking out from me shook me to my core. It really destroyed my self of sense of self. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be here anymore. I have pondered this question endlessly for a long time.

A couple of weeks after my wife left me, my best friend, who has been my closest family ever since we were 6, insulted me challenged me to end my life and of course left me.

So I pretty much felt like going through two divorces at the same time.

No I feel absolutely worthless, and feel that all that has happened is clearly my fault. I am a horrible person. I can’t come even to think that any woman would ever come to love me. After all two women have clearly found out that I’m insufferable. All this horrible pain, confusion, insecurity and bitterness feels like penance for my many faults.

I’m hanging on to my kids and work as a source of validation and meaning. Work is a very poor substitute though. However bad it gets hang in there, your children deserve you.

I am sorry you have had to go through your own version of this not just once but twice! I too have never believed in divorce, except the biblical view which it’s ok when there has been infidelity. Also you cannot control the other person, so if they go through with it there is not much you can do.

I have always had the soldier on mentality as well. I mean there will always be disagreements even full on arguments, but that doesn’t mean fall out of love and quit. I was definitely a better person because of my wife, but this is a transgression I just cannot get past. I know I’ll never fully trust her, and now I attach her to the deepest pain I have ever felt, and that’s not a small thing for me to say. I’ve gone through losing my lower half to paralyzation, mother lied to me about who my dad is (she has no idea), my little brother dying, and many other heartbreaking things.

I too felt the being shook to my core. She swears it has nothing to do with me, my looks, intimacy, nothing... That just doesn’t compute for me. There had to be a reason linked to me in some way that would cause her to go be with another man. A man she didn’t know anywhere but from meeting him online. So much horrible details have surfaced about him and the kind of man he is too. He’s a nasty pervert.

My kids is the absolute only reason I haven’t ended it all. I can’t imagine leaving them feeling like they weren’t enough of a reason to go on. To be honest though, I have asked myself honestly are they? They are and would no question be if they weren’t all pretty much adults. They have already moved on and have their own lives. I have 1 non adult child left and that one is 17 in a matter of days. Soon I will have nobody...
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