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Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#21
I want to give a positive answer and say I’m doing good but I’m not. I am a week away from the one year anniversary of finding out, and my heart is still completely shattered over it. I honestly have been struggling with thoughts of being done with this life, but I’m fighting it. I am sorry you are also facing this. You are right, it’s devastating, and anyone who says it isn’t either hasn’t faced it or wasn’t truly in love with whoever did it to them. I hope you are well too, try to stay strong, it’s all we can do.
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Open Eyes
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Member
Member Since Nov 2020
Location: USA
Posts: 46
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#22
When the person you loved betrays you, it is a big tragedy
And I'm so sorry this happened to you. I understand that you do not want to live without a family. But it seems to me that living with a person you don't want to live with for the rest of your life is also a bad idea. Maybe it's better to leave your wife now. Because you will no longer have love and trust. But if you go, you will still have a chance to find a person who will love you and who will be faithful to you. All people deserve to be with people who value them. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#23
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I wouldn’t live without a family, all 4 of my kids rallied behind me when it came out (they are all adults or within a year of being). I am not lacking love, but definitely trust. Finding a person who will love and be faithful to me seems very unlikely. I don’t see me ever giving anyone all of my heart or trust ever again. I don’t think any woman will ever want me anyways. I am in a wheelchair now from my spine injury, and also by me not having trust I don’t think any woman would want to deal with my insecurities. I’m not staying for those reasons, but I have already accepted them as truth. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#24
So it’s been about 2 months since my last post on this thread. I find myself literally numb to the face most of the time. My heart has grown harder and I no longer feel like I can ever be in love with her again. I love her as a person and do not want her unhappy the rest of her life, but I think that’s the extent of my feelings right now. I never make love or have sex with her. Never turned on. Never care to touch or kiss really. I am afraid of growing old alone though. I wonder if it’s better to have a “best friend” I live with who’s not like a lover, or to be alone the rest of my life? I feel like I have three options:
* Stay in an unhappy marriage because I have company. * Be alone the rest of my life * Get busy dying I never could imagine I would one day be in this position. Give my whole self and life to one person just to be torn apart so horribly. I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. I feel like such a worthless loser. I gave everything... 😭 |
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Bothell
Posts: 24
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#25
Hi @AZ Dad 1979 I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. My husband and I are currently going through a divorce and that has been gut-wrenching, to say the least, I cannot imagine also dealing with infidelity.
What does your wife want to do? Does she want to stay married? |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#26
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So short answer I should have given: At this point she’s all in, and I have one pinky toe in. |
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Open Eyes
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Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Bothell
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#27
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Being single is better than being in a bad relationship. On the other hand, if you can forgive her and fully move on maybe you should. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#28
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The toe is in because I am afraid. I’ve been with her and only her since 16. Im 42 with no experience outside of her and also now that I am partially paralyzed after my injury, I don’t think anyone else will want me. Bad reasons I know, but I am scared I will regret not trying longer if I become an older man who’s always alone/lonely. I am sure people think I’m stupid either way. Either why would I stay with a cheater or because I stay with one I don’t really wanna be with. |
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Open Eyes
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Bothell
Posts: 24
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#29
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Member
Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#30
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catches the flowers
Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#31
I wouldn't rush to divorce. I've been married for close to 40 years and we had our big separation, saw other people, etc. Once we went through all that we became best friends and at this point, we really rely on each other for both emotional and practical reasons. I've seen sooo many people rush to divorce and deeply regret it years later.
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sarahsweets
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Location: US
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#32
Separation isn’t a bad idea. My ex and I were separated for a year before we decided that divorce is the way to go. I’d only want immediate divorce if there is abuse
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Bothell
Posts: 24
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#33
You're funny lol. Yeah I know it can always be worse, people keep telling me this but for some reason, it doesn't make the situation feel any better lol. I know it's not the end, but it sure feels like it's the end for me. I also wasn't the one who initiated the divorce nor do I fully understand why we are getting a divorce. So I am left with a lot of questions and confusion. He's pretty much completely ignoring me at this point. Which makes it even harder. I feel like if I at least had some definite reason I can move on a little faster.
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AZ Dad 1979, Open Eyes
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Location: Northeast USA
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#34
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Bothell
Posts: 24
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#35
Yes, I think he does have terrible communication. It was a repeating issue in our relationship, and now it's making the divorce even worse. But I have tried writing a letter, meeting up, and texting, and it's radio silence from him. I have no idea what's going through his head.
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Location: US
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#36
Omg I am sorry, it appears that people are discussing two completely different situations on this thread and I responded thinking I am on a different thread. When I mentioned separation and used my own divorce as an example, I thought I was on ilocecats thread. Ugh. My response makes no sense. Sorry AZDad, hang in there
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Legendary Wise Elder
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#37
I am sorry AZ, when it comes to marriage challenges, an affair is up there as very hard to recover from. ((( hugs))).
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Account Suspended
Member Since Feb 2021
Location: Washington
Posts: 14
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#38
Hey, I advise you to deal with all these by using professional help of a councelor
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New Member
Member Since Mar 2021
Location: Mexico City
Posts: 5
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#39
Quote:
Even though we were in a bad place in our marriage I was hanging on to the hope that we would soldier through this bad time and that if we were resilient we would find a place where we could see past the frustrations we inflicted on each other and thrive again. Unfortunately it did not happen. She is the second woman to walk out from a marriage with me. And both hurt as hell. The second time was much more damaging though. We were married for 11 years and have 3 beautiful children. I don’t believe in divorce and would never initiate it. No matter how bad things can get. I think I was a much better person with her even if we were in a downturn that I am alone. Her walking out from me shook me to my core. It really destroyed my self of sense of self. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be here anymore. I have pondered this question endlessly for a long time. A couple of weeks after my wife left me, my best friend, who has been my closest family ever since we were 6, insulted me challenged me to end my life and of course left me. So I pretty much felt like going through two divorces at the same time. No I feel absolutely worthless, and feel that all that has happened is clearly my fault. I am a horrible person. I can’t come even to think that any woman would ever come to love me. After all two women have clearly found out that I’m insufferable. All this horrible pain, confusion, insecurity and bitterness feels like penance for my many faults. I’m hanging on to my kids and work as a source of validation and meaning. Work is a very poor substitute though. However bad it gets hang in there, your children deserve you. Last edited by bluekoi; Mar 03, 2021 at 11:58 PM.. Reason: Soften to "end of life". |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2020
Location: Arizona
Posts: 27
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#40
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I am sorry you have had to go through your own version of this not just once but twice! I too have never believed in divorce, except the biblical view which it’s ok when there has been infidelity. Also you cannot control the other person, so if they go through with it there is not much you can do. I have always had the soldier on mentality as well. I mean there will always be disagreements even full on arguments, but that doesn’t mean fall out of love and quit. I was definitely a better person because of my wife, but this is a transgression I just cannot get past. I know I’ll never fully trust her, and now I attach her to the deepest pain I have ever felt, and that’s not a small thing for me to say. I’ve gone through losing my lower half to paralyzation, mother lied to me about who my dad is (she has no idea), my little brother dying, and many other heartbreaking things. I too felt the being shook to my core. She swears it has nothing to do with me, my looks, intimacy, nothing... That just doesn’t compute for me. There had to be a reason linked to me in some way that would cause her to go be with another man. A man she didn’t know anywhere but from meeting him online. So much horrible details have surfaced about him and the kind of man he is too. He’s a nasty pervert. My kids is the absolute only reason I haven’t ended it all. I can’t imagine leaving them feeling like they weren’t enough of a reason to go on. To be honest though, I have asked myself honestly are they? They are and would no question be if they weren’t all pretty much adults. They have already moved on and have their own lives. I have 1 non adult child left and that one is 17 in a matter of days. Soon I will have nobody... |
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